Positively Opportunities for the Divorced

Divorced during Holidays---Opportunities for Change

So, how was your Christmas?  Isn't it amazing how much activity goes into celebrating such a solemn holiday?   I had a pretty good one this year, got to see most of the kids, enjoyed some nice music and worship times, and some really fun times of gift giving/receiving.   Hopefully, you found time for some meaningful worship time, some meaningful family time, and some ways to experience joy in all the hubbub.   

I don’t know about you, but I have thought a lot about those poor folks in Connecticut, Oregon, Colorado and now, Pennsylvania, who lost loved ones in rampages and had to celebrate Christmas with an empty spot at the table, too.  And frankly, I’d rather go through the experience of the difficulties of divorce than to suffer what those folks, especially those parents in Connecticut, have suffered.  

Tough as divorce can be, there are things that are tougher, and those of us who have experienced the ravages of divorce need to remember that during our frustrating times.

It is a good thing to know, that though much of life changes, and sometimes, even your marriage status due to divorce, the meaning and power of Christmas remains.  Perhaps some of you went through a difficult divorce year, dealing with frustrations of managing split schedules, feeling the loneliness of those hours when children were celebrating elsewhere while your home was empty and maybe, just maybe, even dealt with the hardship of finding your motives and meanings twisted and misinterpreted due to influence by an angry ex.  Many of us know those kinds of things (and more!).  But if you experienced any of that this year, I also want you to observe a couple of other things as well.  First, have you paid attention to the time you DID have with your children?  This Christmas especially, you know there are families such as those up in Connecticut who would give anything to have had even ONE hour with their children on Christmas!  Don’t allow yourself to get so focused on what did NOT go well that you lose sight of the things that DID go well, and the time you DID have with your children and loved ones.

Secondly, I would encourage you to also focus a bit on those hours the children were elsewhere and you were left to yourself.  What did you do with that time?  Were you at some other kind of celebration or worship time?  Did you spend some of that time with other friends or family members?  Maybe it was your time to clean up the house after the gifts, or to read over the Christmas cards that came, or do a few odd jobs that have been waiting your hand, or maybe even just to relax a bit while watching a ball game or to read a good book.  While your Christmas may have changed, those changes that feel so much like loss, also create opportunity for change to do something new or fresh.  So don’t only consider those changes as loss, recognize that the changes also contain the gift of opportunity, and so maybe you were able to do some things this Christmas season that you would not have been inclined to do (or even able to do) in other years.  Let those be something you celebrate as well.

With those things in mind, you have the same situation about to occur again in the upcoming New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day.  Things may be different, but that different may include some positive opportunities as well.  As you look forward to New Year’s Eve, realize that it, too, is a holiday that can be tough for those caught in divorce….especially around midnight when people are giving their spouses a New Year’s kiss.   However, it can also be a time to start something fresh, something  If that is you, think that you can create for yourself in the form of new traditions and taking advantage of new opportunities.  Instead of waiting till midnight on Monday to be caught off guard, begin now to think of ways to celebrate in fresh ways. 

A tragic loss in Wisconsin

Tragedy in Wisconsin

So, like me, have you been hearing the news about all the shootings around the country of late?  I heard a report that indicated the person accused of the shooting in the Milwaukee area was the estranged husband of one of the victims, and that his wife (or ex-wife) was killed in the shooting.  I have heard of this kind of thing far too many times, haven’t you?  A divorce, battles over custody, and estranged husband (usually) vents his anger and frustration with a gun or other weapon, killing his ex and sometimes the children, too, before taking his own life.  People shake their heads in disbelief, wondering how anybody could DO something like that.

Although, I suspect there are a great many of us individuals who have gone through the process of divorce, and we have an idea how it could happen.  Not that we all were tempted to do something that awful, but we certainly understand how tempers can flare and how intense and confused the emotions can get during a divorce.  The hurt, rejection, frustration with and ex or with the court…...it can simply become overwhelming.

So we need to pray for the families of the victims in these shootings.  But we need to do more than that.  We need to be sensitive to individuals experiencing divorce, and try to help encourage them through their emotional upheaval in healthy ways (which, by the way, is central to the purpose of my book).  All too often, people are left to sort out their struggle by themselves, without the listening ear of friends or the guidance of wise counsel.  And the intensity of the hurt, isolation and betrayal simply overwhelms them until they can’t handle it any more.  Oh, it doesn't always play out in destructive behaviors with guns.  Sometimes it manifests itself in drunkenness, or through illicit relationships, or other apparently “crazy” behavior.  I believe it is important for people like you and I, people who have some idea of how difficult it can be, to be the kind of people that folks struggling with divorce can turn to in their times of hurt and loneliness.  I hope that my little book helps prevent tragedies like those we hear about in the news.  And maybe your involvement may do the same with somebody you know and care about.  

Purpose

Our Father, Who art WHAT?

So saw a good friend today…a retired pastor friend.   As always, it was good to see him.  And, as always, he had a joke for me.  One he thought might be apropos.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe you can figure it out.  It goes like this:

A preacher once wrote his first book, and was very excited about it.  As he received his congratulations and his early sales, his head began to expand.  And then, one day, as he led his congregation in prayer, he began with the Lord’s Prayer.  Kind of.  He stood before the congregation and spoke with his booming voice, “Our Father, Who also wrote a book…..”

Moving on.  A friend told me she was visiting with someone a bit about the Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce Book, She told me that the person asked how I justify divorce.  As I said to my friend, the first answer I thought of was, “Probably the same way that person justifies self-righteousness and judgmental ism.”  However, the real answer is, “What makes you think I justify divorce in the book?”  The book isn’t about debating the rightness and wrongness of divorce in this situation or that situation.  Most of us who have been through a divorce aren't interested in justifying it anyway…..we don’t see it as some wonderful opportunity that came into our lives.  But to get bogged down in the midst of that question is to miss the point of the book, and the point of the blog. 

Here IS the point:

  Divorce is, sadly enough, a reality in our society today, and in many of our churches today.  There are great marriage helps and resources out there (I personally like a lot of the material Les and Leslie Parrott have out there, and the Marriage Encounter program).  And I believe that those kinds of helps save many a marriage, and wish they could save them all.  But real life is, even with those programs out there, there are still divorces.  When we as Christians encounter those individuals (Christian or not) in the midst of that process or afterwards, we have a choice.  We either come alongside to try to minister God’s love, grace, mercy, forgiveness and strength.  Or we can turn them out as failures, immoral and threatening to our churches and our marriages, judging them as not worthy of our time or energy.  In my opinion, it is a sad thing that so many Christians choose the latter option. 

Because, as I study the Gospels, I don’t find Jesus behaving that way.  Oh, sure, he could still say that adultery was wrong.  He could still speak of the sanctity of marriage.  And he did the same in other areas of right and wrong….most notably in the way he responded to those members of the Pharisees who were so harsh in their treatment of people whose lives were filled with bad habits, poor choices and sin.  But to those trapped in those things, Jesus came with mercy, forgiveness, a challenge to change, and assurance of his love.  Those “sinners” LOVED to be around Jesus.  The judgmental Pharisees DIDN'T like to be around him. 

So…….   if what I say there is true, shouldn't people out there in sin LOVE to be around people trying to be like Jesus who call themselves Christians?  Shouldn't people whose lives are falling apart, maybe because of bad habits, maybe because of poor choices….and, I would suggest, in the midst of divorce whether justifiable or not……. shouldn't those kind of people experience God’s LOVE through Christians claiming to follow Christ?  I would think so. 

You and I both know that is not the experience many Christians create in the lives of struggling people around us.  In fact, my friend went on to tell me that a relative of hers said that she believes her church runs off divorced people, almost intentionally, because it treats them like second class citizens.  Hmmm...  That doesn't sound like Jesus in the Gospels.  It sounds more like somebody else.  But you decide.  I know, though, which way I’m going, and that is to offer a book that will help represent Christ walking with those folks struggling with the devastation of divorce.

                                                                                              

TL:dr   I know, it’s too long.  But, please read it anyway, okay?

Being Divorced on Labor Day

Labor Day...

So this is Labor Day, the last day of a long weekend.  For many people it is the weekend that represents the end of summer, the last chance at summer fun.  For a person recently divorced, it can mean lots of other things, so I want to address them specifically this blog.  If you aren’t divorced, read on, you might understand some friends better, and find it isn’t too late to include into your plans a friend who is struggling. 

First, I want to reflect on those who have younger children.  If your children are young, may be feeling the extra emptiness of a house without the sound of children at play.  Or you may feel the loss of that annual trip to the zoo or theme park.  Other weekends aren’t so bad, since by now you’d be back at work.  But if you are used to spending Labor Day with your kids, the change can be hard.

          On the other hand, you may have the children this weekend (in which case, why are you reading this now?  Go spend the time with your kids!!)  In the case of the parents WITH the kids for the weekend, it can be just the opposite.  You can overdo because you don’t see them as often, and want to make the most of the time you have.  But the kids most need you to be YOU, to provide the consistency of who YOU are, not some “manufactured for the weekend party person.”  Though your emotions may be overwhelmed, maintain a relatively normal time with your kids, but taking into account the fact that your time opportunities with them has been altered, and opportunities should be used while you can. 

          Or, you may have the kids, and be struggling with the “at mom’s house we always…” syndrome.  Don’t let yourself get caught up in the competition and blackmail.  It’s okay NOT to be what “dad’s house” is, to not have the same finances, to be faithful to your own set of values (assuming God approves).  Again, it is about who YOU are, and having a genuine relationship with your kids based on that.

          Finally, those without kids (or whose kids are elsewhere) who may feel lost because old traditions no longer fit.  As for you, remember, divorce gives you the opportunity to create your own traditions that fit with who YOU are, and the things YOU want YOUR life to reflect.  Maybe this year you don’t HAVE to go on that annual camping trip, and so can do the yard work for fall you always wished you could.  Or, maybe you don’t HAVE to stay home and work, so might go to a movie or the lake with some friends.

          For me, Labor Day weekend is not a big deal, and I just do what I do.  Maybe this is the year for YOU to decide what it is to you, and to do whatever it is that best represents you.  Even if it means working, because you can’t afford the getaway, because that, too, is an honest response to the changes you have experienced in your life.  As you look back over the weekend, or maybe at the beginning of this last day, I hope you find something of meaning in how you have spent your time.

Is there a drought in your soul?

Rain for Soil and Soul

  Guess what!  We got rain over the weekend.  Lots of rain.  Like 3 or 4 inches.  Won’t solve everything, but certainly makes a dent in the drought.  I quickly got outside when I could to do some serious weed pulling.  Yes, I think it is amazing, too, that everything dies in a drought EXCEPT THE WEEDS!  They don’t seem to mind it a bit. Still have lots to pull…..it is a big yard……but at least got started. 

  And guess what else.  The weeds weren’t so hard to pull.  Even this big one that I don’t know what is called, but it has a humongoid big long root that goes straight down that you can’t normally pull out.  Very exciting.

  Seems to me there could be some good lessons in all this.  Like how in the drought times if our lives, the weeds can take over if we aren’t careful.  Or, better yet, it was amazing how easily the weeds came out after the ground got soaked really well by the rain.  Could that be a parable?  Jesus talked about soil and weeds and roots and rain.  How about this:  If we keep the soil of our lives well watered with the Word of God, then the weeds of Satan that try to take over can be much more easily removed than if we neglect the word and allow our hearts to grow dry and hard in the things of God. 

If that is the parable, and I think it is probably a pretty good parallel, then

Ask yourself, how well watered is the soil of YOUR heart these days.  Might be time to turn on the word and let it soak in.

  And guess what else.  Been back and forthing it with the publisher a lot lately, trying to get final changes in place.  I’ll be surprised if they get the book completed by the end of August as expected, but shouldn’t be too much longer.  For those of you who have told me you are waiting for it, I am sorry it is taking so long…….but should be soon.

TL:dr  Keeping your heart filled with the word of God is great protection against infestation!

The Christian and the Olympics... here is a whole different idea

Let the Games Begin!!

So the Olympics are winding down.  Remember when Paul’s life is nearing the end, and he writes in 2 Timothy that he has fought the good fight, finished the course and so on?  I wonder if that is how our athletes feel about now, too.  Having been involved in some things myself (not at all on the scale of the Olympics), there is always at the time of the close of a big event, a feeling of let down, kind of a “can’t believe it’s over, hard to let go” sort of moment.  But there is also a sense of satisfaction in a job well done.  You probably know what I mean.

Anyway, those games are ending, and I got to thinking, I wonder, if we looked at the Christian life as a parallel to the Olympics (and, remember, Mt. Olympus was the home of the gods in Greek mythology)…..then what would be the various events we could enter in the “Christian Olympics of life”?

Some folks I think would decide the competitions would include events like:  quoting Bible verses relay, winning souls for Christ competition, longest prayers marathon, Sunday School attendance, the righteous living slalom, best dressed at church, fanciest worship, biggest choir, most worshipful praise team…..

But, I think there is a mistake in that.  First off, the US soccer women’s soccer team this year did NOT medal by competing against the US soccer team!  Those of us in the body of Christ are ON THE SAME TEAM!!!  To win, we must beat the competition, not the teammates!  And secondly, I have heard people say God’s desire is more about who we ARE than about what we DO, so wonder if there might be some other possibilities. 

I think our competition would be against those things that would pull us and others away from God, things that could cause us to lose our focus and forget out goal.  Seems to me the Christian Olympics should include some of the following events:

The “endure to the end” Marathon

The “flee from temptation” dash

The “pass the baton discipleship” relay

The “be perfect as your father is perfect” high jump

The “entangling sin” distance shot put

The “trusting God with it all” high dive.

The “carry one another’s burdens” weight lifting competition

The 10k compassion walk

The 70x7 forgiveness relay

The block that shot intercessor’s soccer game

The “2 Peter 1:5-8” climbing challenge

Interested?  You don’t have to prove yourself to be good enough to get into the competition.  All you have to do is sign up at your local church altar or your prayer space at home.  Good luck! (except, I don’t believe in luck…)

TL:DR  Our christian olympic competition should be against those things that pull us and others away from God.

NOTE:  The individual in the picture is Robin Govier, a retiree who was chosen to carry the torch through a section of Wales.  He was chosen because of his commitment to Christian Aid, a Christian group in England that responds to crises in the world.  This is the link to a short video on You Tube, which is touching and quite funny as well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgT3b1UD_Cg

The Christian and the Olympics..another story

Olympics one more time…….

So did you hear the story on KLOVE about the David Boudia, winner of a Bronze Medal at the Olympics this year.  You can hear it if you want by going to the following link:

http://www.klove.com/news/view-category.aspx?id=13

Seems he was in the Olympics 4 years ago to compete, but between then and now was led to Christ by his coach at Purdue.  He now realizes that the bronze medal he has won is just temporary, and that what really matters is that his life glorifies God.  He is a diver, and his event was the men’s synchronized 10-meter platform event.  I’m not sure of all the events, but think that is the same as the women’s event I saw some of the other day. 

It’s kind of funny, isn’t it?  We seem to be hearing lots of stories these days about Christian athletes, and most of them are pretty good about giving credit to God, and making sure to emphasize that it isn’t all about winning.  The news media seems never quite sure what to do with these things.   Like the whole “Tebow” items……..now they talk about people “tebowing.”  (If you don’t know much about it, he plays for the Denver Broncos, and publicly kneels to give God thanks, while also being a positive influence on his teammates.  Kind of funny, the news media calls it “tebowing” as if it is something new.  It is only new to them.  Jewish folks and Christians have known of the act for years…..we call it, bowing our heads, kneeling, bending the knee, prostrating oneself…….all of which simply means to put oneself into a humble posture before a God who is greater than we are. 

We do need to be praying for these folks.  They face plenty of ridicule for their stands for Christ, and they do have unique opportunities to speak out for Jesus.  It may not be everybody’s way of doing things, but anything that sets an example is a good thing.

TL:dr  We need to be praying for those who speak for Christ in a culture that doesn’t always agree with what many Christians believe.

Fresh Moves from God

Chocolate Chip Cookie Diet??????

Hey, before you read this one, you might want to look up 2 Samuel 6:12-23…..it comes up later in the blog.  So, I keep bumping into the ongoing church hassles over what kind of music the service is going to have.  Mainly because God tends to have me involved with long standing churches rather than the new starts, and so the churches I have been involved with have had to deal with facing the possibility of making changes or dying.  And they hate making changes.  All too often, some people in those churches seem to be clinging to the past as if that is where their salvation and security rests, when in fact, their salvation and security rests in Christ alone, and Christ moves fresh in each generation and each period of our lives.  Why is it so hard to let go of the past and embrace something fresh God might be doing?

Well, the context of this time the topic came up arises from a conversation with an out of town friend who has observed such a dispute in relation to music in something she was involved with.  As we discussed it, I suggested that the real issue isn’t about music, it’s about “me,” about whether I am truly open to God doing whatever God wants and my willingness to get on board with his moving, or whether I am the one in charge and what God can and cannot do in my church and life is limited by whether or not it fits in with what I want or what I like or what I think is best.  God’s choice of calling us His children is sometimes very apt.  But I know very few parents who will feed their children only what they want and like, or few teachers who will only teach children what the children think is best.  If they realize it isn’t best to let children always have their own way, why do we think God should do that in our lives?

In the Bible, that story in Samuel about David and his dance when bringing up the ark……or perhaps some of the Acts stories about the early church…. make the best parallels to this modern dilemma.  David was lost in worship, dancing his heart out, not paying close enough attention perhaps, but so enamoured and excited with God and what God was doing, that he just didn’t notice or even care!  Michal sat in judgment on it.  If it was today, she might have said, “You know, we just don’t worship that way.  It isn’t very respectful of God, it seems to me.  We have to set an example, you know.”  And she was rebuked and punished for daring to berate the exuberance of David’s love for God.  Not a good choice on her part.  And probably not a good choice by many Christians, today, either.

Just saying.  When Paul makes a big thing about the diverse gifts and roles in the body of Christ, I don’t understand why so many Christians think every other Christian should think and act just like they do!  The saddest thing in all of this is that when we put these limits on God’s work in our midst, it is US who get shortchanged.  We miss out on all God COULD accomplish through us, all the “beyond imagination” sorts of things God wants to do in our lives and in our world.  I guess, though, if all we want is peanut butter and cookies………   Just sayin’……..

                                                                        

TL:dr  It is critical to be open to fresh moves of God.