Impact the Next Generation!

A chance to voice your thoughts.....

I remember one time sitting down with a mother and her children as she told her kids that she and daddy were getting divorced.  The kids expressions varied because their ages varied, but it is not a sight you want to see.  But it is a sight seen far too many times in our world today.  Professionals always told us that the kids of divorce were resilient and would bounce back, that they would be fine.  Now it is known that resilient or not, divorce of parents impacts the children for the rest of their lives.  Lower school performance, more risk of substance abuse, higher risk of divorce and more.  Might look into that some more another day, but have a couple of thoughts I wanted to share today. 

Dealing with your children when struggling with your ex is tricky at best.  There are so many times you bite your tongue, times you wish you HADN’T bit your tongue, times you know they are being manipulated and times you know they ought to know the truth, but to tell the truth would sound like bashing your ex and end up creating OTHER problems.  Or maybe none of those is your experience……maybe they are the experience of YOUR EX!  Not good.  I don’t suppose there is one of us who has been divorced who hasn't missed a cue here or there, or wondered if what we did or did not do was helpful or not.  Truth is, it is hard to know.  And you may never know.  But there are some things you can know, let’s touch on some of those today, okay?

In one of the recent radio interviews, the interviewer told of a family situation she had seen in which a mother drove her children five hours to a pick up point, even though she had been advised well in advance he would not be able to meet her until a couple of days later!  She used it as a chance to show the kids her dad didn't care about them.  It’s obvious SOMEBODY didn't care about them very much….but I don’t think it was the dad!  At least, not that time. 

I know of other situations where parents have offered to give their children all of the child support money if they would move to their home, parents who have intentionally made arrangements for the children to be away for a special trip on the ex’s Father/Mother’s Days or the child’s birthday, parents who tell the kids all sorts of lies about the other parent, or worst of all, parents who manage to create the same impressions so subtly the kids don’t even know they are being manipulated.  The sad truth of divorce is that all too often, the children get used as weapons, spies or sources of income.  And we wonder WHY there are adverse effects in the lives of the children? (I wonder if they will ever decide to call it child abuse and arrest the offending parent?  Trouble is, how would you know which parent to believe?)

 

Something I think is even more sad is that I have seen children mistreated in these ways but because of confused loyalties or the skilled deception, the children will side with the abusing parent and shut the other parent out of their lives.  The expectation is that when the child grows up he/she will begin to see things from an adult perspective, and realize the truth.  It’s a nice idea… doesn't always happen.  Unfortunately, I have seen that, too.  But I also know times when it does work out.  Again, no way to predict, and that is part of what makes it so hard. 

Well, there is much to discuss in this area, and so think we’ll spread it out over several blogs….although maybe over a period of time.  However, as I put this together, I am working on a couple of things, and would welcome some ideas/feedback in specific ways that I will use in various ways to help address these issues so that maybe some children will be spared the difficulties, and parents learn to be more effective.  I certainly don’t claim to have all this figured out perfectly myself!  Perhaps by sharing some ideas and experiences, together we can help.

So here is what I would like to hear from any of you with first hand experience: 

1)    If you have been a child of divorce, are there things you wish you could tell your parents about what helped or what made it harder?

2)   If you are a parent, are there things you wish you could tell your children that you have avoided lest it create more problems?  Things that you really wish they understood?

3)   If you are either, and have experienced something that really helped or was a good idea, would you be willing to share it?

All names will be kept confidential, and don’t even have to be submitted.  If you are a child from divorce, it might be helpful if you gave your current age range (teens, 20’s, etc).

You can send it as an email to seasonsofdivorce@gmail.com or submit it through the contact form on the website:  findinggoddevotionals.com  Thanks!

TL:dr  Take the time to read it, you might be able to help.

Valentine's Day and Divorce...on the road to healing

Top Ten Valentine’s Day tips for the Newly Divorced

1)    Be Wise---Don’t go where you will stir up painful memories or set yourself up as an awkward fifth wheel.

2)   Be Healed---Allow yourself time to heal from the loss and grief of your divorce instead of caving to pressure and start to rebound date out of neediness and loneliness.  (Just because friends say, ”It’s time to get out there, to get over it” doesn’t mean they are right.)

3)   Be Joyful.  Don’t let your own loss overwhelm the day, find a way to do something to bring a smile to your face for Valentine’s Day.

4)   Remember, Valentine’s Day is a celebration of love…..so celebrate love…..with friends and family you love, or by showing love to someone in a nursing home or homeless shelter.

5)  Adjust..... If you have young children, don’t get wrapped up in yourself and forget them.  They, too, are experiencing a different kind of Valentine’s Day, and may need YOUR love and help to adjust.

6)   Celebrate love by spending some time with the good memories of your marriage…thanking God for the good times you had, remembering that it wasn’t all bad. 

7)   Do something special for yourself for Valentine’s Day…..buy a box of your favorite chocolates, nice dinner with a friend, or go to a movie.

8)   Get outside of yourself a bit.  Find somebody you can make the day special for….send flowers to that newly widowed friend, candy for a neighbor’s kid, maybe invite a lonely friend out to a play or ball game.

9)   Cry.  That’s right, weep a bit this Valentine’s Day, somewhere privately or with a special friend if you prefer.  You have lost something precious, and if you really ever loved your spouse, that loss hurts.  Part of valuing love is being able to grieve love lost.

10)  Read 1 Corinthians 13, to remind yourself of what love truly is like.  It may help you understand how far your marriage had drifted from God’s design for loving relationships.  And let it remind you how much God loves you, even if your ex doesn’t!

A Merry Divorced Christmas!

“And a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed…….” 

Do you know those words?  They are, of course, from Luke’s record of the birth of Christ.  Are you in the Christmas spirit yet?  I’m not.  Too early.  But there may be some of you who are especially not in the Christmas spirit, because this Christmas you will have to celebrate without your spouse….it is the first one after your divorce.  And you face the season with dread, anxiety, uncertainty….maybe even poverty.  What do you do?  (Some of you may not be in this situation, but may know somebody who is…..read on, you may be able to help somebody through a tough time.)

One of the best things you can do….in my opinion….is to see this season as an opportunity for a fresh start.  You may feel very keenly the sense of loss…. and be oblivious to the fact that it is also an opportunity for something special.  I would suggest you consider it an opportunity for a different kind of Christmas….one that can bring new meaning for many years to come.  I believe you can accomplish this two or three ways….or maybe both ways works for you.  I know both had meaning for me when I was in your shoes.

The first method is to incorporate something new into your Christmas… something that will become uniquely yours.  It can be something simple like a new Christmas decoration.  Or maybe attending a Midnight Christmas Mass at a nearby Catholic Church.  I did some of these kind of things.  A friend told me about an excellent stage production of Dickens's Christmas Carol in a nearby city.  Since money was tight, I learned that if you went to the right matinees, it was affordable for me.  I went with my kids or friends or, later, my fiancé for a number of years….until I moved away from the area.  Another difference was I decided to skip the artificial tree and go out to tree farms where the kids and I could wander and search for the perfect tree that we could cut ourselves…..even if there WAS six inches of snow on the ground.  I remember one particularly bitter cold outing after an ice storm with electric poles on the ground and slippery roads to negotiate.  That year, the wind convinced us that the best tree just happened to be right beside road we drove in! 

The second method might be to think back into your “ancient” past to discover and reclaim something special from days gone by….before you were married.  For me, that could be things like driving around to view Christmas lights in nearby neighborhoods, or allowing the kids to open just one present on Christmas Eve, or reading Luke’s Christmas story at home BEFORE the presents are opened. 

A third method is to consider the various Christmas traditions you have developed, and select which ones have special meaning for you.  When you find these, you then find ways to make them even more special.  This is especially important if you have children at home….in all the upheaval and change, they need to know that there are things they can count on as lasting.  For me, these things included honoring the tradition of attending Christmas Eve Candlelight and Communion services.  It meant having the children get out the old favorite nativity sets, and asking them to arrange them on the piano or counter.  It meant including certain favorite tree decorations (even if the memories brought tears), and putting them on the tree once again.

Don’t let the loss you are feeling this Christmas discourage you….although I know it is hard not to feel that.  But as a counterbalance, find ways to reclaim Christmas celebration in YOUR own manner, with YOUR own meaning, free to pick, choose, change and create something special. You’ll be glad you did.  Just don’t wait until Christmas Eve is upon you before you make some choices and plans.  Begin now to consider and to develop some options.

TL:dr  Christmas, though hard, can be special if you start making some choices now.

Being Divorced on Labor Day

Labor Day...

So this is Labor Day, the last day of a long weekend.  For many people it is the weekend that represents the end of summer, the last chance at summer fun.  For a person recently divorced, it can mean lots of other things, so I want to address them specifically this blog.  If you aren’t divorced, read on, you might understand some friends better, and find it isn’t too late to include into your plans a friend who is struggling. 

First, I want to reflect on those who have younger children.  If your children are young, may be feeling the extra emptiness of a house without the sound of children at play.  Or you may feel the loss of that annual trip to the zoo or theme park.  Other weekends aren’t so bad, since by now you’d be back at work.  But if you are used to spending Labor Day with your kids, the change can be hard.

          On the other hand, you may have the children this weekend (in which case, why are you reading this now?  Go spend the time with your kids!!)  In the case of the parents WITH the kids for the weekend, it can be just the opposite.  You can overdo because you don’t see them as often, and want to make the most of the time you have.  But the kids most need you to be YOU, to provide the consistency of who YOU are, not some “manufactured for the weekend party person.”  Though your emotions may be overwhelmed, maintain a relatively normal time with your kids, but taking into account the fact that your time opportunities with them has been altered, and opportunities should be used while you can. 

          Or, you may have the kids, and be struggling with the “at mom’s house we always…” syndrome.  Don’t let yourself get caught up in the competition and blackmail.  It’s okay NOT to be what “dad’s house” is, to not have the same finances, to be faithful to your own set of values (assuming God approves).  Again, it is about who YOU are, and having a genuine relationship with your kids based on that.

          Finally, those without kids (or whose kids are elsewhere) who may feel lost because old traditions no longer fit.  As for you, remember, divorce gives you the opportunity to create your own traditions that fit with who YOU are, and the things YOU want YOUR life to reflect.  Maybe this year you don’t HAVE to go on that annual camping trip, and so can do the yard work for fall you always wished you could.  Or, maybe you don’t HAVE to stay home and work, so might go to a movie or the lake with some friends.

          For me, Labor Day weekend is not a big deal, and I just do what I do.  Maybe this is the year for YOU to decide what it is to you, and to do whatever it is that best represents you.  Even if it means working, because you can’t afford the getaway, because that, too, is an honest response to the changes you have experienced in your life.  As you look back over the weekend, or maybe at the beginning of this last day, I hope you find something of meaning in how you have spent your time.