Maximum Effort: Saving a Marriage

Please welcome guest blogger today; Glenn Machlan, Bible Translator with Youth With A Mission.  Currently, Glenn is translating the scriptures into a language spoken in a remote village in the Philippines   His work is the first translation for this language. 

“I did everything I could”

 

After my wife left me, I heard some people in similar circumstances say that they had done everything they could to save their marriage, but it wasn't enough. Every time I thought, Did they really do everything they could? Who really does that? Who is that perfect? I was certainly aware of wrong things I had done, and good things I didn't do in my marriage. So I thought it was incredible that there were people who had been that good in their marriages. And yet there have still been many times when I've thought, I wasn't bad enough to deserve that! Which I suppose, when you come right down to it, is the same thing!

Still there’s a persistent idea in our humanness that if we do a certain amount of good, then we deserve certain good results. And we are shocked and offended if we not only don’t receive good results, but actually suffer instead. And if you’re like me, you can easily wallow in self-pity. 

Shortly after the roof collapsed in my marriage, when I was falsely accused, I was encouraged by 1 Peter 2:13-14. “Now who is there to harm you if you are zealous for what is good? But even if you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed.” (ESV) It was amazing to think that this would be the source of my blessing, but it helped me avoid self-pity at the time. (Of course, many times since then I have had a hard time believing I was blessed, and self-pity seemed to be a good friend!)

About that same time, I watched the DVD of “Fireproof.” The message in the movie seemed to be that if you do all the right things, your marriage will be good, or will at least survive. But that seems to be a very legalistic approach to marriage and to life. I thought it was interesting that in the film that even when the main character had finished the Love Dare, his wife still wasn't sold on staying with him. It was only when he took the sizable amount of money he had been saving for a boat and used it to help her parents out that her heart was melted. I thought, Great! What can I do of that magnitude? I knew that God is capable of doing anything, but in my situation it was going to have to be Him doing the heavy lifting if things were going to change. It wasn't going to be anything I did, unless God opened up the opportunity and gave me the power to take advantage of it.

Several years ago I read a Christmas mystery by Anne Perry, and she made a profound point through one of her characters. A young woman had surprised people by turning down the proposal of a handsome, charming, wealthy young man, and instead married his younger, seemingly less attractive brother. The reason she chose the younger brother was because the older one was not a forgiving person, a very wise decision indeed. She recognized that marriage is not the coming together of two perfect people who can then enjoy each other’s perfection, but the joining of two rather imperfect people in constant need of forgiveness. What life is like for us as Christians, in perpetual need of God’s grace and forgiveness, is also what life is like for us in relationships, but especially a marriage relationship.

I’m reading the book Assaulted by Joy: The Redemption of a Cynic, by Stephen W. Simpson. A big part of his ‘redemption’ happened when his wife gave birth to quadruplets (and the rest of us should thank God every day that He hasn't so blessed us!). Coping with four needy babies put an incredible strain on their marriage and they – both psychologists – started to see a marriage counselor. One day the counselor pointed out that Stephen didn't like his wife to see his flaws, a revelation to his wife. “In that moment, things started to change. We started giving each other more grace. I started trying harder, and it worked because I was motivated by love for Shelley rather than fear and resentment….Shelley and I started to see

each other as we really were: broken, imperfect people who were trying to love each other and our kids.” 

That’s it! We don’t do everything right, or everything we can, but there is forgiveness and acceptance and grace that covers our sins and empowers us to do better.

Step Parenting Anyone?

IN-STEP?

Met some new friends recently, another ministry couple.  She has written a book about being a step-mother.  I was telling another friend about it, and that friend immediately commented about step-parenting:  “I can’t even imagine.  How complicated that must be.”  Pretty insightful for somebody who hasn’t done it.  In her book, my friend talks about step-parenting and uses the term “in-step” as she discusses the challenges and finding ways to work them out.  I’m not done with her book yet…just got it over the weekend…but as I have been reading along, it is certainly a trip down memory lane!

Some of you may be saying to yourself, “So,what’s the big deal?”  I suspect that there are not many relationship issues more challenging that step-parenting and family “blending” which, by the way, is kind of a mythic term.  There may be shared parents, and shared space, and healthy relationships, but blending is probably more of a hope than a reality.  But on my dinner plate, various dishes can share the same plate and produce a wonderfully flavorful meal, even though they aren’t all “blended” together!  Sometimes they touch.  Sometimes the gravy spills over into the peas.  And that’s okay.  But I definitely don’t want my peas run through the blender with the mashed potatoes before they get on the plate.   A “blended” might just operate the same way, and that might very well be not such a bad thing.

So what is hard about it?  Well, let me suggest a few possibilities.  For instance, one parent believes in cell phones for the kids safety and has raised her kids that way, the other believes that cell phones are too much of a distraction for children, and they need to wait till they are in high school, and his kids didn’t have them.  The families merge…who changes?  And how do you communicate the values held dear while altering the practice those values had upheld?  A step-mother or step-father may use an expression or behavior that they have always used, even on that is common for their gender.  But in the spouse’s previous marriage, that expression may have been used in an abusive way, so when the child hears or sees it, what kind of impact do you suppose it will have?  And odds are, it was only at that moment the step-parent learned the history behind the difficulty.  There are plenty of times you will be compared to my “real” mom or my “real” dad (bio dad my friend calls them), usually only in scenarios where you come out on the short end of the stick.  Sometimes that is followed by the reminder that, “I don’t have to listen to you, you aren’t my real mom!”  It is always good to remind yourself at that point that God says children are a blessing from Him!

Or, sometimes one of the parents has been single for a while, and the eldest child has taken on extra responsibilities around the house, not quite like an adult, but definitely “momma’s little helper.”  Then, suddenly, there is this other adult now living under the same roof.  While it may be nice to have that step-parent around, the child can feel like their role has changed, and maybe not even be sure they are needed or wanted anymore.  And that new person who has come into the house may be perceived as a threat as they share their mommy with this new person.  Of course, all these things vary significantly with the ages of the children, the length of time the parent was single, the ages of the children (if any) that come with the new step parent, and a multitude of other factors.

And you are juggling all this while Christmas traditions undergo transformation as they alternate between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day year to year, or deal with ex spouses who try to interject themselves inappropriately or are excluded inappropriately.  As you handle these things, the children themselves are possibly juggling two sets of rules in two different houses that might be radically different, trying to negotiate uncertain waters at a tender age.  It may be harder to be a step child than a step parent!

Well, for all of you out there trying to navigate these uncharted waters, there are a few resources here and there.  There are so many variables, I doubt that you will ever find a guidebook with all the right answers.  You simply have to glean what you can, do your best, pray, and remember that the love you have for your spouse should be big enough to extend to your spouse’s children, or it isn’t much of a love commitment.  All we can do, is try to do out best.  Even without step children, we can only do our best when it comes to parenting, too, right?  Step parenting is just parenting…with lots of unexpected booby traps and complications thrown in!

I will let you know about my friend’s book and website later on, as she has been invited to send in a guest blog for you to read.  My friends and I are also talking about putting together some workshops that might offer some encouragement and insights…will have to let you know about that as they develop. 

TL:dr  Being a step parent is NOT an easy undertaking!

Taking Meaning from Martin Luther King

“And in the last days it shall be, God declares,

that I will pour out my Spirit on all flesh,

and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy,

    and your young men shall see visions,

    and your old men shall dream dreams;” 

--Acts 2:17 ESV

This week in Washington, D.C., there was a big celebration to commemorate the date when the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. gave the speech referred to as the “I Have A Dream” speech at the Lincoln Memorial steps.  I was young in the 60’s, and remember some of the race relation events of the 60’s and 70’s well, but others are more sketchy, including the presentation of his speech.  However, for years I taught a speech class at a community college, and every class had to watch or listen to certain great historical speeches, and read others, and King’s ’63 speech was ALWAYS included.  What surprised (and saddened me) was the number of students who were aware of the speech, but had never read or watched it in its entirety.  They were sadly deprived.

Having grown up in a multiracial community, and always attended schools that were just naturally “integrated,” I had a hard time understanding (and still do, for that matter) those who sought to hard to maintain segregation and discrimination.  Just doesn’t make much sense to me.  I love King’s line about judging an individual, “not by the color of his skin, but the content of his character.”  Actually, there are a number of lines I love.  And I love the dramatic style of presentation.  It is more than just what people call the style of the “black pulpit.”  He had a gift, and when he generates excitement and energy in that speech, raising pitch and volume up and down like a rollercoaster, then when he reaches the peak with, “Free at last, Free at last, Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last,” he doesn’t stand for applause, he doesn’t draw other conclusions, he doesn’t even say, “thank you.”  Instead, he raises the pitch and energy to the peak, and walks away leaving the words ringing in their ears, because he understood it wasn’t the man, it was the message that mattered, and the best way for people to hear the message of that speech was for him to get out of the way.  If you have never watched it through, I highly recommend it.

I didn’t know MLK, Jr., obviously.  I know some things about his life, but I also know there are things that have been sealed away, and that he wasn’t a perfect person.  So I don’t think the man needs to be on a pedestal, but he certainly needs to be appreciated and the message he brought should be valued.  But as I listened to the various politicians and entertainers bring their thoughts (and I didn’t listen to that many completely through), I was struck by what I perceived as the difference.  They spoke about the movement and the dream…which are both important.  And they elevated the man.  But it also felt like there was plenty of ego involved as well….could be my bias.  But I wasn’t so impressed.  I began to wonder why, and came up with what I think made a difference.

King had a dream.  But the dream was not his own.  In all the chatter these days about race relations, I think some core elements have been lost along the way here in America.  

King did NOT create his own message.  He was a man ENTRUSTED with a message.  He was a man called of God as an ordained minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  When he spoke of issues of justice and love and righteous actions, he spoke out of a context: the context of the scriptures, the context of the church he had grown up attending, the context of the Savior he served and followed.  

It was what he gleaned from those contexts that his message was shaped, for it wasn't merely his message, I believe, it was the message God had revealed to him and entrusted him to proclaim.  Go back to the speech, it is peppered not only with references to United States history, but also with references to a multitude of scriptures.  That was his standard.  That was where he derived his authority.  That was how he learned right from wrong.  As the scripture from Joel quoted in Acts indicates, God is a God of dreams, visions and messages called prophecy.  And the dreams the Spirit of God pours out are dreams of substance, value and truth.

Today, so many leaders derive their authority from their own imaginations and designs.  They speak of a vision that is derived from popular opinion.  Their moral authority has become mired in the morass of relativism.  There is, for them, no ultimate truth, only the truth that gets a hearing, produces fans or gets one elected.  In part, I think this has happened because so many parents since MLK’s day have neglected in raising their children with knowledge of scripture, lacking attendance at church or synagogue.  So what is right, what is good, or the idea that our Creator expects something of us is, for those children, totally arbitrary or personal opinion.  And I believe we are paying the price for it as a nation in a great number of ways.

I so love the scene in “Driving Miss Daisy” where she is invited to synagogue to hear King speak, but leaves waiting outside her “Negro” chauffeur  never considering seriously that he was one of the very people on whose behalf King was speaking!  Truth and popular opinion are rarely the same.  Jesus made very clear that real truth is to be found in scripture.  So, for me, the celebration of Dr. King’s speech is not merely remembering what he said, but also a celebration of the Giver of the message Dr. King proclaimed.  When was the last time YOU spent time searching the scriptures for some truth?

(p.s.  I’ll got some thoughts to share regarding divorce again, soon.  Just feel like this is an important enough event that I want to include it, too.)

TL:dr  Reflections on Martin Luther King’s speech celebration and the source of his message.

...and the winner is?

Dear Old Dad!

So it was time to do the drawing for the free copy of Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce   VOLUME 2, now that it is completed and out.  So we gathered up the names of the people who entered the drawing by liking the facebook page and then sharing a post about Volume 2.  Then we printed the names onto papers for a drawing.  Last time we had the pastor do the drawing, but I decided this time, that probably the person most excited about the books even being written is my Dad, and so we had Dad do the drawing.  Before I tell you who won the drawing, let me tell you a bit about Dad.

We live in the same town as my dad, having moved down a few years back to help out and to be able to dedicate some time to writing.  Dad was married to my mom for over 60 years, having gotten married just after World War II, and married till mom passed away last fall, a great achievement in this day and age.  Dad served in the army during that war, involved in the invasions of Sicily, Italy and Southern France, all making way for the D-day invasion across the channel.  He was at Dachau the day after it was liberated, and was involved with the famous and difficult battle of Monte Cassino.  In fact, in the last couple of years, he was awarded a Bronze Star having led a rescue of around 30 injured New Zealand soldiers during that battle.  Originally he was put in for a higher decoration, but records were destroyed when HQ was hit, and the other records burned in a fire in St. Louis, so his award recommendation had been long lost.  Then word of his actions got back to the current officers of the battalion, and they took on the project to make amends for the long missing records, and he received a bronze star as a result. 

However, if you talked to Dad, he wouldn't tell you that was the most important thing in his life.  It was just what had to be done or else those guys would have died.   And when you talk to him about World War II, he has a hard time believing he was able to do some of the things they had to do, sleeping in the rain, marching clear across Europe…  But then he realizes he was only a young kid, back 70 years ago when he was serving.  Now, at nearly 93, reflecting on his life, he knows what they did then was important, but he more values the six decade long marriage, and having raised a family, and having worked hard as a successful photographer for several decades.  (I learned photography from him, including the shots on the covers of my books…as did my sister, who did my photo on the books.)  Having grown up during and survived the Great Depression and Dust Bowl on a Kansas farm, he has learned how to face most any challenge, and is a real can do sort of person.  In spite of the physical limitations of age, he still keeps a vegetable garden growing, loves to cook and can, and always has one project or another going around his house. 

But what means the most to him has been his involvement in church and his commitment to Christ.  He has served his church teaching Sunday School and as a Deacon, as well as many other roles.  Even today, he has a greeting card ministry, and sends encouragements to those who are in grief, are ill, or celebrating birthdays and anniversaries.   His faith and his commitment to, not only believing in God, but actively serving Him, are core values he has sought to pass on to his children, grandchildren, family and friends.  His example in all these things have helped shape who I am, and what I have written.  And it seemed only fitting that we include him in our celebration of the new book, and so, thanks Dad, for everything.  With that, let’s show the pictures and announce the winner of our free signed copy of Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce  Vol. 2:  Spring and Summer—Seasons of Renewal and Warmth.   AND THE WINNER IS……

Fallen Humanity - and the Grace We Need

Monsters or Men? 

So there are a few names that are popping up a lot in the news these days:  Major Nidal Hasan from the infamous Fort Hood shootings, and Ariel Castro along with his victim Michelle Knight.   When you read the headlines or hear the news, do you ever wonder what is wrong with people these days?  

The headline that really caught my attention was the one that described Ariel Castro as a “monster”.  In his statement, Castro described himself as sick, and denied culpability for his disgusting behaviors.  And Hasan seems to have no regrets for the lives he has taken or the injuries he has inflicted.  Are these mere flukes of a society gone awry?  Or is there something more?  Contrast those two individuals with Ms. Knight who has responded in extremely difficult circumstances with dignity, grace and even forgiveness, while acknowledging that the evil she and her comrades experienced at the hands of Castro must be punished.  How can people be SO different from one another?

There are those who describe Castro, a twisted fluke of nature.  I would argue that he demonstrates the reality of human nature at its worst.  On a recent flight back from Phoenix, I happened to visit with a young woman from Europe, who had moved there some years ago from Iraq, and still apparently has family and friends in Iraq.  In the course of our discussion, she commented that Christians were now being killed in Iraq in frightening numbers, and she started to describe what was happening, but then stopped herself and said, “No, I won’t tell you how they are killing them.  It is just too awful.”  Too awful for words.  

Some years ago I was in Mexico City, and visiting with some refugees from El Salvador primarily, and as I listened to their stories, I was impacted by the kinds of atrocities being done by one group of humans to another down there.  I, too, heard things I will not describe to you, but I will mention that one individual said his family had all been “machine gunned” at the dad’s law office, and their bodies tossed over a cliff along with thousands of others.  He said his relatives (nor those of other victims) could not go retrieve the bodies for burial, because if they did try to claim a body, they would be “machine gunned” as well, and join their family members in the pit. 

I just returned from another trip to Arizona, and happened to stop in one of the wild west towns of New Mexico.  In that community, there was a news report back in the 1800’s, that it had been an unusual week, because nobody had been shot there.  So what we are hearing is nothing new.  In fact, you can go back throughout history and find incredibly awful things people have done to others, sometimes in the name of country, sometimes in the name of religion (sadly, including Christianity), and sometimes just out of pure greed or power hunger.  Some of the ways the ancient Assyrians treated their captives would turn your stomach…they were ruthless and evil. 

On the other hand, you can go back through history and find individuals whose deeds are more reflective of Ms. Knight, individuals whose behavior was exemplary, and who inspire us to greater things.  In my studies of the rabbinic teachings, they explain that every individual is born with the “inclination to good’ and the “inclination to evil,” and that the goal of life is to follow the good inclination, and hopefully have the scales tipped in that direction upon one’s return to our Maker.  

Christian teaching differs, though, from that concept.  While we would agree that there are the two directions pulling at us and beckoning us to deeds of good or evil, we also agree with Paul that though we might DESIRE to do good, the reality is that we all end up doing things that are evil, or at least fall short of the perfection of God, despite our best intentions.  That is due to the power of sin in our world and in our lives, resulting from the Fall by which all humanity is tainted.  Both Romans and Psalms, which it quotes, acknowledge that there are none righteous, but that all have gone astray.  What we see in Castro is the manifestation of that unrighteousness with, apparently, nothing to hold it in check. 

What we see in Hassan (and I would argue we have seen many times by people doing evil deeds in the name of whatever religion, including Christianity), is the deception we often experience, in which Satan appears as an “angel of light” leading us into deeds which in our deception we THINK are pleasing to God, but are actually the trickery of Satan to lead us to evil.   It is easy for us to sit and look at these kind of people, and acknowledge how awful they are, but believe we are not like them.  And most of us aren’t, at least in some ways.  I have never shot anybody, let alone attacked a whole fort full of soldiers who were my comrades in arms.  I have never kidnapped and held captive young girls, and abused them as Castro is charged with doing.  And probably you haven’t either.  But I know there are things I have done that I shouldn’t have, and later regretted.  I know that are things I wish I had done, but turned away from in selfishness or lack of compassion.  I bet you could name some of those kinds of things in your own life, as well. 

Sin may not find expression in the same form in our lives as it did in Hassan or Castro.  But it has found expression in ways that fits US, sadly enough.  It is for this reason God’s call to us is to repent, to turn away from those things, and to turn to Him for forgiveness and help in conquering the evils of our lives.  We may not have done what those two individuals did, but we also have not been everything God designed us to be, or fulfilled the highest standards he has established.  Which is why I find it so interesting when church folks want to condemn divorced individuals as terrible sinners worse than themselves.  I don’t know about you, but I am utterly dependent on and thankful for the mercy and grace God extends to us through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Without it, who knows which of us could have been the next Hassan or Castro?  As the old saying puts it:  “but for the grace of God, there go I.”

TL:dr  Castro and Hassan evidence for us the fallen nature of humanity, and our desperate need for the forgiveness of Christ.

What Does Your Personality Say About Your Prayers?

PERSONALITY, DISORDER, DISARRAY, DIS-BLOG!

So what do you think of personality tests?  I think they are pretty useful, myself, though I usually flunk when I take them!  There are lots of personality tests out there and some are very interesting, others seem rather bizarre.  But one thing they all have in common is that, if you pay attention to what they are saying, you will discover that not everybody experiences or views the world the same way you do.  They don’t even all see it the same way I do!  

This is actually true for lots of reasons. With the Zimmerman trial, and the death of young Martin, we are hearing quite a great deal about your skin color and the country in which one grows up in can really shape how you experience events.  Our gender, our subculture, the chemical balance in our brain all combine to create an amazingly complex individual fashioned by a variable of factors throughout our lifetime.  These events and factors create our personality and shape our personality into different types - the personality tests seek to identify the ways in which various people experience the world and interpret the things they experience, and in so doing, help us understand why we think the way we do, as well as improve our understanding of other individuals.

 

Have you ever thought about a personality test in terms of your spouse or your ex?   Now if you were to ask my wife, she would tell you some silly story about personality tests and that I thought I should have her take one to decide whether or not I ought to continue to date her or not.  There is an event out of which she spins the yarn…but whether it is all she claims is highly debatable!  

The truth is, if you participate in any of the better dating/matchmaking services, a personality inventory of some sort is used to understand you and create your profile.  Well worth your time if you are hoping for a compatible match.  Many pastors, too, have some various personality tests they give to their engaged couples to help prepare them for marriage, by helping them understand the differences and similarities in their personalities.  Probably not a bad idea, because some personalities mesh much more easily than others. 

The truth is two individuals can experience the exact same event and interpret it in two completely different ways.  Which can be enriching in some situations, but in a marriage, it can be the grounds for lots of difficulties, especially if one spouse doesn't realize the role personality plays in the way we experience and interpret our realities.    Paying attention to the information from a personality inventory might make some individuals reconsider their choice of marriage partners long before they reached the altar.  At minimum, they wouldn't expect their spouse to we do!   

I’m sure that God’s guidance and wisdom can overcome obstacles in even the most opposite of personalities, and that the differences are often enriching to a marriage that might have been boring if we were too much alike, but the whole idea really raises some interesting possibilities, doesn't it?  I know that in my experience, the two different personality types of my first and my second wife have certainly played a big role in creating a vastly different relationship in my second marriage from my first, especially with all the things I learned about myself along the way.  Might be something to explore if you are considering getting married again, or even if you want to have a better understanding in your current relationships.

Anyway, perhaps you are wondering what got me started on all this in the first place.   Well, my wife showed me something she ran across on the internet that plays with the combination of prayer and the Myers-Briggs personality inventory.  I laughed enough I decided to pass it on to you.   If you are familiar with Myers-Briggs, you can jump on down to the prayer list below.  

Prayers for Myers-Briggs Types

(Click on the link above to go to the Liturgy website for the prayers!)

If not, it might be helpful to know a bit about the Myers-Briggs.  There are four categories in each personality type, and each category has two possible identifications.  The pair options are Introvert/Extrovert, Intuitive/Sensing, Thinking/Feeling and Perceiving/Judging.  I’m not going to explain much more, you can research it online.  And if you aren't familiar with it for yourself, I’d highly recommend checking into it…you can learn a lot with this tool, in my opinion.  Anyway, enjoy the prayers of the various personality types, and the source of the humorous piece.  Enjoy!

What Will Your Generation Do With This Church?

From Generation to Generation

You may recall in my last blog about the U.S. celebration of freedom, that I mentioned that it is up to each generation to do the things necessary to protect and preserve freedom for the next. 

I was visiting with a friend after that and we were discussing the churches, children and grandchildren.  She mentioned a person she knows who was very involved with her church who had a good sized family, and yet among her children and grandchildren, a very small percentage of those offspring are involved with church.  I know a number of families in which this same scenario plays out, and other families in which the children follow faithfully in their parents’ faith.  Coming on the heels of my Independence Day blog, it made me think that as important as it is for each American generation to protect our liberty to pass on to the next, it is even more important that we pass the faith on to our children and grandchildren.

Perhaps that describes your life.  As I look through the scriptures, I find many individuals whose children served God and followed in their parents’ footsteps.  Abraham is a great example of this…Isaac, Jacob-Israel, Joseph..the line is impressive.  But then one of the most celebrated figures in scripture, King David, had children whose lives were far from exemplary.  Later, King Hezekiah was a man whose relationship with God was pretty special, but his son, King Manasseh, was one of the most godless kings Judah or Israel ever had, (though he did repent later on).  I know that there are those who try to offer assurance that the children of believers will be people of faith if we are appropriate parents and believe, but the pattern of scripture is that though godly parents have a godly influence, providing an opportunity for their children to embrace the faith for themselves, children and grandchildren do not always follow in their parents’ faith.  Sometimes our influence may be more effective with people outside our family than with those in our family, much as we might prefer it not to be that way.  If it is, then we can pray and trust that God will have other individuals whose influence can impact those in our family who we seem unable to reach, because prayers accomplish so much more than we can accomplish ourselves.

It is absolutely critical that we take the preservation of our faith seriously.  God expects it of us, and the eternal destiny of millions depends on it. 

I have heard it said that the church is always only one generation away from extinction.  (Tried to find who first said it, but wasn't able to locate it…if you know, let me know, I’d wouldn't mind having the name.)   

A friend of mine discusses the decline in so many American churches, and how so many have lost the younger families.  She likes to inquire her faithful church friends who are of the baby boomer and older generations whether they have children and grandchildren who aren't involved with church.  She then asks whether they wish those same children were involved in the church and what they would be willing to do to get them involved.  Her final question is then: “Would you be willing to give up your kind of music if that would help them want to be involved?”  

While people will often say they would do whatever it takes, all too often we place limits on what we actually are willing to do, and as a result, those younger families get involved in other things more conducive to their experiences of life. 

In divorce, there is often a faith crisis for the children in the families, especially if one parent holds strong to their faith while the other is irreligious or openly scoffing.  But even if both are believers, the children can question what difference it makes to believe, if it doesn't protect one from divorce, because they don’t always see the whole picture.  Sometimes they can lose faith because they pray for their parents’ marriage, or that mommy and daddy will get back together again, but when they don’t, they can believe that God must not be real.  The hurts in the lives of children can drive them to God, or drive them away.  As divorced parents, we must do our best to be seeking Christ and being obedient to his will so that our children will see a genuine example of faith.  That seeking may lead us to reconciliation with our ex, it may lead us to remain single, it may lead us to build a godly home with our second spouse, but wherever it leads, it is our duty to do our best to maintain a quality witness for the sake of our children and grandchildren.  And it is our duty to be praying for those children, whether it appears that they are listening to God or not.  Manasseh was clearly doing wicked deeds despite his father Hezekiah’s example, but he later repented…God got through to him later in his life, at least somewhat.  As my wife wisely says in these kinds of discussions, “You don’t know what God is doing in their lives.”  And we don’t. 

So let me sum up a few thoughts on this whole discussion.  First, seek to be a genuinely godly influence in the lives of your children.  If you children follow in your footsteps, rejoice and continue to pray for them.  But if they do not, realize that even if your marriage had stayed intact it does not guarantee your influence of faith would have been different.  And so we pray for our children and do our best to continue to hold true to God.  But always keeping in mind that it is up to you and me, we who live in THIS moment in history, to do our best to make sure that the message of Jesus has opportunity to spread beyond this time and into the future for those generations yet to come. 

TL:dr  It is critical for each generation to carry to light of Christ effectively for following generations to see.

4th of July and Freedom: Has it changed your life?

Free At Last…

  

This is the time we celebrate Independence Day here in the United States, but it is more than a celebration about gaining independence from England so many years ago, it has become the day we also celebrate freedom itself.  Freedom of speech (at least, most of the time), freedom to choose where we live, what careers we choose, freedom to travel, freedom to move to a new location…freedom to decide for ourselves in every area of our lives.  Of course, all freedom also comes with responsibilities, and is preserved at a price, preserved with diligence.   We are free, but not free to kill another person, at least, not without suffering the consequences.  Because freedom is not the same as anarchy.  Each generation has the obligation to preserve the freedom we enjoy in order to pass it on to future generations, and those of us celebrating freedom today owe a great debt to the countless individuals from the past who, sometimes at great personal cost, protected the freedom we have inherited.

Divorce brings a great deal of devastation in its wake, but for some, it can also mean freedom:  freedom from the beatings and abuse one has suffered, freedom to express oneself without being put down or ridiculed by an emotionally abusive spouse, freedom to change life directions with a new career path or a new location.  The losses created in divorce are, to some degree, counterbalanced by the freedom to pursue God’s calling and gifts in your life. In some cases, divorce allows themselves free to finally worship and serve God the way they always wanted to, but had been constrained by an unbelieving spouse.  But again, freedom comes with responsibility.  Paul tells us in Galatians 5:13 that we are not to use our freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but to serve one another in love.  The temptation to abuse freedom often overwhelms individuals who are divorced, sometimes cutting loose in inappropriate and unhealthy ways that lead to new heartaches, destruction and alienation from God.  I wonder, for those of you who have been divorced, if you have been wise in using your freedom in ways that draws you closer to God and brings honor to him. 

But most of all, true freedom has to do with the freedom that is given to us by Christ as we are delivered from the tyranny of sin in our lives through forgiveness, justification and redemption.  Sin enslaves those caught in it, even though they may declare they can quit at any time, or that they aren't doing their sins because they have to, but because they choose to do these things for their own gratification.  But in their case, the truth is, freedom has been sold to the mastery of sin and they are deceived as to the direction it is leading them.  There is ALWAYS a price to pay, sin is never free.  But freedom in Christ means being free from the power and penalty of sin to be free to be all God has created and desired us to be. 

Well, as you observe or participate in the celebration of freedom this 4^th of July, take time to cherish the freedoms you have, to pray for those whose lives and countries have constrained the freedom of their citizens, and to examine whether you are using you’re the freedom Christ offers to live your live in a manner that pleases God and to revel in the joy life with God can bring. 

TL:dr: Fourth of July freedom is experienced by divorced individuals in a whole different manner. 

The Songs on the Radio....the Impact of Divorce

Silly Love Songs

So have been on the road quite a bit of late, and pretty swamped with some things around home, as well.  Lots of good visits about faith, about my books, about old friends.  Driving home today, I was listening to some oldies CD's after having visited with some folks about possibly speaking at an upcoming event in their church.  In my visit, I was told about a man who was experiencing a tough divorce, and so there was a fair amount of discussion about the topic.  As I was driving along, a song came on that was an old love song, and it got me to thinking and remembering, especially as I was thinking about and praying for the individual I had heard about. 

Let’s talk first about music, though.  I like music.  A lot.  I am musical, maybe not a virtuoso, but enough to know my way around a few instruments.  I think you can agree that there is a huge emotional tie to music.  Songs that lift your spirits, songs that lead you to prayer, songs that bring a tear to your eye.  Or at least, they do these things for me.  Anyway, so this love song came on the CD (yes, the CD…I have some old LPs around, too…).  And as it played, it reminded me of the time during the time of my divorce when I literally couldn't listen to the radio or many of my CDs.  It was too hard.  The promise of love, the joy of finding that special someone, the longing in the eyes, all those things love songs describe primarily reminded of the love I hadn't known, the love that had been shattered, the great sense of loss I was experiencing, and the love that all now felt like a lie.  Some other music was also hard to hear…like Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas Songs and certain other Christmas music, because it was all tangled up with memories of years gone by in a relationship now dissolved and cast aside.  Even some songs of faith just didn't feel very good, songs that promised God was working everything out, or that when we trust in God nothing evil will come our way….though I believed the essence of the message, the experience of my life in that moment did not match the assertions of faith.  In fact, the experience seemed to contradict everything those songs were saying, because it so often felt like either God had let me down or I had let God down, and it was very difficult to decide which was the case. 

Maybe these things describe your life these days, or describe a time you remember like I do, or maybe they describe the struggle someone you know is experiencing.  It is a hard place to be.  It is a lonely place to be.  It is a very tearful place to be.  

But it is not the place you stay…

or at least, I hope you don’t stay there.  As I experienced tonight, one does move on, and favorite songs come back with a different perspective…maybe a bit more jaded perspective, maybe a perspective that contains a bit more wisdom.  The come back because you come to realize that though the marriage ended, it doesn't mean that love does not still exist, or will never exist again in your life.  They come back because you find a place in your heart, a place in your life for all the memories, each in their own time slot, each with their own mix of joy and tears.  They come back because you discover that, even though you couldn't see it at the time, God was indeed still at work, and was still loving, and still working out plans for good.  They come back because music that is successful is successful because it touches a common thread within human hearts…the cry to give and receive love, the call to something greater than ourselves, something eternal.

I don’t have a huge point to this little blog.  Except I suspect there is somebody out there who knows exactly what I am talking about, because they have either experienced it themselves, or are in the midst of it right now.  I just wanted that person to know they are not alone.  And that they are not stuck.  It is one of the many phases and struggles tied in with the experience called divorce.  That brokenness affects so many areas of our lives, and sends out so many ripples, that sometimes it is easy to forget how much of our lives have been changed because of the words on a court document.  If you are the one struggling, I encourage you to hang in there, eventually these things move on and take a new shape in your life.  And that shape can be very, very good…even if it continues to bring bad mournful or difficult memories.  Realize, you are not alone…these things happen to many of us in the upheaval of life due to divorce.

TL:dr  Divorce’s impact can even affect our experience of music, and change the way it touches our hearts.

Top Ten Tips for Father's Day....for the Divorced Dad....

Well, we did some tips for Mother’s Day, how about putting out some ideas for Father’s Day?

 

 

 

Top Ten Father’s Day Tips for Newly Divorced Fathers

 

1)  Don’t try to make up for all the times you DON’T have with your kids, make this time you DO have a special one.

 

2)  Teach the kids the importance of Father’s Day by setting an example in the way you treat your own dad on Father’s Day.  You might even choose to make it a multi-generational celebration, because remember, grandparents also suffer time loss in a divorce.

 

3)  Teach the kids something about YOU, by sharing an activity that is important to you and helping them understand why it is.  

 

4)  If your ex makes the day difficult, choose to NOT focus on that, but to keep central the importance of time with your children….especially if they don’t reside with you most of the time.  Father’s Day isn’t about her, save that for another time.

 

5)  Pay attention to your budget.  If your resources are limited, (and even if they aren’t) don’t overcompensate by making the celebration over the top…maintain some degree of normalcy and keep some old traditions.

6)  We guys often aren’t good with expressing emotions, and they can really bubble to the surface in a big way on Father’s Day after divorce.  Be prepared for that…maybe arrange to have a buddy you can touch base with during the day if you struggle.

 

7)  A challenge to you:  if your ex helped the kids shop or make their cards or anything to make the day better for you…send her a thank you card…she is a rare gal if she does.  Your note may impact for the better, relations with your ex for many years to come.

 

8)  The break with your spouse complicates lots of relationships.  If your father-in-law was a good friend, consider sending him a Father’s Day card, or make sure your children do so for that grandfather.  (But don’t do it if you have been mean to your ex!  At least not without an apology.)

 

9)  You may know another guy who is having a tough Father’s Day…maybe because of a divorce himself, or some other reason.  You may want to find a way to include him in your plans and make a difference for HIM, too.  

 

10)  The Bible honors godly fathers, from Abraham to Job and beyond.  Set a godly example for Father’s Day, make sure you spend part of it with the kids in worship…being an example of faith is the greatest thing a Father can do.

Top Ten Action Tips for Getting Along with Your Ex!

THE TROUBLESOME EX—PART TWO   

TOP TEN ACTION TIPS

a.k.a.

Sending Ricin to Blackmail Hubby Won't Solve Your Problems!

So have you heard about the Texas actress, Shannon Guess Richardson, in Texas who was arrested after sending a ricin-laced letter to the president?  Turns out she and hubby are divorcing, and she was trying to set him up and make him look bad.  Guess she wasn't a very believable actress, huh?  OBVIOUSLY, she didn't read my last post…although, I posted after the letters had been sent.  If she had read and heeded the advice, she wouldn't be in jail now.  A news commentator asked if she was crazy or something, and the answer, of course, is YES!  The emotional upheavals of divorce can make you do crazy things!   So that, combined with the fact that one of my readers, Jason Ratner, made some specific responses/suggestions, caused me to reconsider putting together a list not about the emotional and internal responses of dealing with your ex, but a few practical interactive tips for those times when you are negotiating or trying to get on top of that difficult relationship. 

1)           In all your communications, stick to specific issues dispassionately…don’t chase rabbits or explanations and go into long self defenses.

2)          A friend’s wise advice to me was to put things into a win-win situation, where I sought what I needed by also offering what my ex needed in exchange.  (Having a good support group of wise friends can be very helpful!)

3)          Document everything…time of meeting, topic discussed, inappropriate actions suffered, keep hard copies or duplicate files of every email sent and received or text messages, and, if possible, also every voice mail.  In addition, you should document agreements not kept and court orders not honored.  Make copies of any checks written/received and consider registered mail for items sent.

4)          Develop a tough skin, don’t let the person get to you…they know your buttons and will push them.  Time to rewire!  Remain calm and direct, save your venting for afterwards with a friend or out in the wilderness where you can shout or cry to your heart’s content.

5)          Be clear, firm and insistent on specifics, in a timely fashion.  For instance, let her know several weeks ahead that you expect to be with the children on Father’s Day/Mother's Day and will pick them up at a certain time.  If there are objections, sometimes a simple, “nonetheless, I expect to pick them up at that time,” can go a long way. 

6)          Sometimes a copy of the court orders can be helpful.  In the scenario just mentioned, you can send a copy of the relevant documentation with the appropriate passage highlighted.

7)          When the other person responds well, express appreciation, and even find a way to reciprocate to help reinforce the kind of relationship you are seeking to develop.

8)          When the other person makes demands that ARE within appropriate bounds, respond in a positive way, such as, “yes, of course you can pick the children up at 7:00…it is important for the kids to have time with you, too.”

9)          In cases of high emotions, it may be best to set boundaries in terms of communications, sticking only to letters, emails and voice mails rather than direct interactions, lest you fuel the emotional firestorm between you.

10)       With a particularly abusive or invasive ex, it is a good idea to always arrange any necessary meetings or child drop offs at neutral locations, and bring a witness with you….they may be less likely to cause problems publicly.

And if nothing else works, there do seem to be some extreme cases, in which you may need to move to another town and simply start a new life as the only way to be away from the issues of dealing with your ex as often as you do.  Bottom line, it just is NOT an easy thing to deal with, and each situation is different.  Pick up tips from others who have dealt with it in the past, and hang on…for this, too, will pass!