A tragic loss in Wisconsin

Tragedy in Wisconsin

So, like me, have you been hearing the news about all the shootings around the country of late?  I heard a report that indicated the person accused of the shooting in the Milwaukee area was the estranged husband of one of the victims, and that his wife (or ex-wife) was killed in the shooting.  I have heard of this kind of thing far too many times, haven’t you?  A divorce, battles over custody, and estranged husband (usually) vents his anger and frustration with a gun or other weapon, killing his ex and sometimes the children, too, before taking his own life.  People shake their heads in disbelief, wondering how anybody could DO something like that.

Although, I suspect there are a great many of us individuals who have gone through the process of divorce, and we have an idea how it could happen.  Not that we all were tempted to do something that awful, but we certainly understand how tempers can flare and how intense and confused the emotions can get during a divorce.  The hurt, rejection, frustration with and ex or with the court…...it can simply become overwhelming.

So we need to pray for the families of the victims in these shootings.  But we need to do more than that.  We need to be sensitive to individuals experiencing divorce, and try to help encourage them through their emotional upheaval in healthy ways (which, by the way, is central to the purpose of my book).  All too often, people are left to sort out their struggle by themselves, without the listening ear of friends or the guidance of wise counsel.  And the intensity of the hurt, isolation and betrayal simply overwhelms them until they can’t handle it any more.  Oh, it doesn't always play out in destructive behaviors with guns.  Sometimes it manifests itself in drunkenness, or through illicit relationships, or other apparently “crazy” behavior.  I believe it is important for people like you and I, people who have some idea of how difficult it can be, to be the kind of people that folks struggling with divorce can turn to in their times of hurt and loneliness.  I hope that my little book helps prevent tragedies like those we hear about in the news.  And maybe your involvement may do the same with somebody you know and care about.  

Lessons from My Uncle Jiggs

Have some folks who may do some occasional guest blogs for me you will meet along the way.  Today is one of those.  My uncle passed away yesterday, and my cousin, Leland, wrote a really powerful piece about his dad.  I asked him to share it on my blog, so it is below.  What is amazing is that, with a few variations here and there, he is actually describing his dad’s siblings as well, all part of that “greatest generation.”  I might suggest as you read it, that you consider what the list would be if your kids were writing about you especially if yours is now a single parent home, as is the case with many after divorce."  So, here is Leland’s blog, which you can also see at his blog address:  http://blog.speakerhardware.com/

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Lessons.

Things I learned from my Dad.

1. The inherent value and dignity of hard work. "Put your nose to the grindstone". Just get it done. He could work harder than any human I've ever seen. The house I grew up in he built. Somebody was coming the next day to install something, and it had to be sided. He and Mom sided the entire house in one day. Dad drove a 50lb keg of nails that day, Mom cut the lumber. He couldn't lift his arms the next day. 

2 Take the time from work to do something else. When Mom and Dad were in their late 50's early 60's they pretty much traveled the world. When we were kids we always loaded up in the car and drove around the US for 2 weeks. I'll be first to admit that this lesson I didn't learn well, but I'm "working on it". 

3. Honesty. I hope I learned this one well. 

4. Truth. Dad spoke the truth. Whether you wanted to hear it or not, no matter who you were. Never harshly, just truth. 

5. Love. Exemplified with Dad's care of Mom. Mom's parkinsons the last 3 years of her life left her immobile. Dad took care of all of it. He just about wouldn't let us help. Every night after she died Dad touched her picture before he went to bed. And in how he was the rock around which all of us revolved. When you had a problem, needed help, he was there. He and Mom were a love affair that lasted over 50 years. 

6. Entrepreneurship. Growing up in a hardware store, run by my parents was much like what you hear farm kids describing their lives. Everybody works, everybody shares responsibilities. I gave the corporate world a try for a while. I couldn't do it. Owing your own business is a dream for many. But the grunt hard grind it can be makes a "job" with benefits look pretty good sometimes. I know when I left Boeing for the hardware store Mom and Dad asked me several times if I was sure. 

Dad would come up with crazy ideas for the store, house, whatever. Mom would fix that with a "now Jiggs" and that was the end of it. But their instincts for business were almost unerring. They never got rich, but did put 3 kids through college with no debt and retired pretty well, and had long lives after.

7. Life. Going through this with first Mom, who's illness was protracted for a very long time, and now with Dad in a much shorter span has shown me something. Life is more powerful than anything. Yes, death gets us all, but the titanic struggle I have witnessed between my father and death, even though he wished it, convinces me that death wins, but death is not the winner. The life lived, the lives left behind, those are the winners. I recently read that physicists are coming to the conclusion that everything is just information. So conservation of energy and mass rules apply. If that's true, nothing is lost, the religions are right. The universe (heaven) is gained. Maybe not pearly gates, but maybe it is.

8. Respect. The biggest fear we all had was disappointing him. It was never mean, but you knew when he disapproved or was disappointed. He was such a figure of respect to everyone who knew him.

9. Don't take any of it too seriously. Seriously. :-)

10. How to do/fix/make stuff. Working with him was like working with a tornado. Fast and furious. You better be watching, because it's probably not going to get explained, just done. He about killed a couple of grandsons when in his 80's roofing the kennel building. Just like he about killed a couple of sons in his 60's roofing the house. We couldn't carry shingles fast enough. No nailers, 1-1/4 roofing nails, 1 hit to start, next to drive flush, every time.

G.S. "Jiggs" Crooks Aug 1 1921, Aug 21 2012.

Nursing Home Caregivers are a Special Lot

Greatest People on Earth

  So think I have mentioned that I have an uncle passing in the process of passing away.  I have taken my father out a number of times to see his younger brother, the only sibling he has left.  As we drove away, two things struck me I decided to share.  One was how incredibly hard it must be, because my father has known this brother of his for 91 years, and for much of their lives they lived in the same town.  Great people.  I am truly glad I have known them in my life…..I know that privilege doesn’t happen for everyone in their family situations.

  But what I really wanted to share came from something else.  As we walked in, we chatted with the nurses and aides at the desk, and last night, as we were leaving, a nurse was walking down the hall, and stopped to chat in a very cheery way.  And it made me think that I ought to share some thoughts about these folks.

  You know, these nurses and aides who do all the direct contact work with patients and residents in nursing home facilities are very incredible people.  And I am thinking not only of this place, but others I have been involved with in the past.  Most of them are way underpaid.  Most of them work very long, hard hours.  Most of them do things most of us would never do.  And most of them do all these things while smiling! 

  I pass by residents who are pretty immobile and uncommunicative.  I see others who are rather cantankerous.  And, of course, there are others who are just delightful people if you are willing to take the time to actually talk with this person sitting in a wheelchair.  These committed individuals do that every day of their lives.  And love doing it.  I suppose it is because they know that what they are doing is important.  And that they are doing something for people who desperately need the help.  People whom our society isn’t very good at acknowledging their significance. 

  Well, I don’t want to go one forever, but I do want to say how much I appreciate all these individuals….mostly women here…..do for people I have known in so many different places.  Thanks for their commitment, their caring, their love, and their cheery attitudes which many days must be very  hard to maintain.  I couldn’t do what you do.  Not the way you do it.  And I figure that when all is said and done, there are going to be some extra beautiful heavenly crowns upon their heads.  At least until they cast them down before the feet of Jesus.  Thanks all you nurses and aides….God notices even if nobody else does!

TL:dr  Nursing home caregivers have a special God given talent and ministry.

A Broken Heart

Oaken Broken Heart!

  One of the most powerful images I experienced in scripture is found several places.  I most noticed it in Psalm 34:18, 147:3 and Isaiah 61:1 (you can look them up yourself if you want to do so).  These texts describe the unique and especially intimate way God cares for a select group of people.  That group of people is those who are broken hearted.  God promises to be near to them, and describes Himself as seeking up bind up and heal their broken hearts.  And that is a huge part of so many experiences in life, especially in divorce.  When a marriage ends like that, there are broken hearts all over the place.  One spouse’s heart may have been broken years before, as they* saw their marriage decay and their spouse fall so far short of what they had hoped and dreamed their marriage would be.  That is usually the person who files.  The one who is filed upon is often surprised, and their heart breaks as they experience this once beloved person turn against them in what feels like betrayal.  And, of course, the children’s hearts break as they see mommy and daddy fighting, crying or struggling.  And the grandparents’ hearts break as they watch their child and grandchildren go through the upheaval and agony of divorce.  Plenty of broken hearts to go around in a divorce.

  But not only in divorce.  Yesterday, I went out to the hospital early to see my 91 year old uncle who has decided it is time to call in hospice and end all the treatments, medicines and therapies.  I took my nearly 93 year old dad in with me to see his brother.  Lots of heartbreak in that room.  In losing a loved one, it is helpful when we see that the individual has lived a full and long life, but the truth is, one is never really ready to let go.  But we have to, ready or not. 

   Hearts break as boyfriends split up from their girlfriends.  Hearts break when long loved pets die.  Hearts break when hopes are dashed by test scores, rejection letters and pink slips from the boss. 

  You can tell already that this topic is dear to my heart (which has had it’s own share of breaks), and so you know it is well covered in the book itself.  But here I want to point out something simple in case you are experiencing some kind of heartbreak in your world.  When your heart is breaking, there is a unique and special opportunity to experience a precious intimacy with God, because in those tender moments, God chooses to draw near to you because of those wounds.  Don’t neglect to embrace those loving arms in the midst of YOUR heartache.

*For those of you who haven’t seen the book, I do explain in it that I DO REALIZE that grammar expects plural nouns to go with plural verbs, and when referring to an individual, we are supposed to use the singular.  But my thing is that I am frustrated that we haven’t developed an effective gender neutral pronoun (calling a person “it” just doesn’t evoke positive responses, unless you are playing tag).  So rather than have somebody ticked that I tried to include women in “him” or men in “she,” I choose to use the plural and let the grammarians pull their hair.  Just so you know.

TL:dr When our hearts are broken, God is near if we look to sense His presence.