...and the winner is?

Dear Old Dad!

So it was time to do the drawing for the free copy of Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce   VOLUME 2, now that it is completed and out.  So we gathered up the names of the people who entered the drawing by liking the facebook page and then sharing a post about Volume 2.  Then we printed the names onto papers for a drawing.  Last time we had the pastor do the drawing, but I decided this time, that probably the person most excited about the books even being written is my Dad, and so we had Dad do the drawing.  Before I tell you who won the drawing, let me tell you a bit about Dad.

We live in the same town as my dad, having moved down a few years back to help out and to be able to dedicate some time to writing.  Dad was married to my mom for over 60 years, having gotten married just after World War II, and married till mom passed away last fall, a great achievement in this day and age.  Dad served in the army during that war, involved in the invasions of Sicily, Italy and Southern France, all making way for the D-day invasion across the channel.  He was at Dachau the day after it was liberated, and was involved with the famous and difficult battle of Monte Cassino.  In fact, in the last couple of years, he was awarded a Bronze Star having led a rescue of around 30 injured New Zealand soldiers during that battle.  Originally he was put in for a higher decoration, but records were destroyed when HQ was hit, and the other records burned in a fire in St. Louis, so his award recommendation had been long lost.  Then word of his actions got back to the current officers of the battalion, and they took on the project to make amends for the long missing records, and he received a bronze star as a result. 

However, if you talked to Dad, he wouldn't tell you that was the most important thing in his life.  It was just what had to be done or else those guys would have died.   And when you talk to him about World War II, he has a hard time believing he was able to do some of the things they had to do, sleeping in the rain, marching clear across Europe…  But then he realizes he was only a young kid, back 70 years ago when he was serving.  Now, at nearly 93, reflecting on his life, he knows what they did then was important, but he more values the six decade long marriage, and having raised a family, and having worked hard as a successful photographer for several decades.  (I learned photography from him, including the shots on the covers of my books…as did my sister, who did my photo on the books.)  Having grown up during and survived the Great Depression and Dust Bowl on a Kansas farm, he has learned how to face most any challenge, and is a real can do sort of person.  In spite of the physical limitations of age, he still keeps a vegetable garden growing, loves to cook and can, and always has one project or another going around his house. 

But what means the most to him has been his involvement in church and his commitment to Christ.  He has served his church teaching Sunday School and as a Deacon, as well as many other roles.  Even today, he has a greeting card ministry, and sends encouragements to those who are in grief, are ill, or celebrating birthdays and anniversaries.   His faith and his commitment to, not only believing in God, but actively serving Him, are core values he has sought to pass on to his children, grandchildren, family and friends.  His example in all these things have helped shape who I am, and what I have written.  And it seemed only fitting that we include him in our celebration of the new book, and so, thanks Dad, for everything.  With that, let’s show the pictures and announce the winner of our free signed copy of Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce  Vol. 2:  Spring and Summer—Seasons of Renewal and Warmth.   AND THE WINNER IS……

Top Ten Tips For Coping with a Troublesome Ex

AH, THAT TROUBLESOME EX!!

In a conversation with a woman the other day, she indicated that she had been divorced a long time, and what she needed was my next book.  When I told her it was at the publishers, and explained some of the topics in it, like hope and rebuilding, she told me that what she needed was a book specifically about how to deal with a troublesome ex.  Don’t know that I care to write a book like that (although it IS discussed in places in both volumes), but thought I could at least throw some thoughts into the blog, because I bet she isn’t the only one, right?

I have heard and had lots of ideas in this area.  Sometimes it seems like a better legal arrangement ought to be that when a couple divorces, one HAS to move to another country.  Some folks actually say they are better friends AFTER their divorce than they were during their marriage!  Other individuals think in terms of acquiring hit men.  I don’t know that I will have all the answers, in fact, I can guarantee you by experience that I do NOT.  But I can throw out some thoughts that might be helpful.  And I think I will put most of it in a top ten list format, with a few preliminary comments.

The comments are simple.  First, it is what it is…divorce is messy, and you just have to deal with the realities it creates the best way you can.  You may think it would be easier to not have your ex involved with your children’s lives, and you may be right.  However, I have known several where that is the case, and those parents were heartbroken at the pain their children experienced with the absent parent, so it is a mixed blessing at best.  Dealing with an ex is, of course, the most difficult when the children are minors and the resulting entanglements ongoing, so if you are in that situation, realize that it will reduce as the children mature. 

The other thing I would highlight is that dealing with an ex is, unfortunately, a good test of your faith and commitment to the Lord.  There are so many scriptures that apply which seem so good in theory, but you get to learn they are not so easy to put into practice.  If you are struggling with an ex, I encourage you especially to read the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5, 6 and 7 where topics are addressed such as forgiveness (6:14), being treated poorly (5:11-12), revenge (5:38-40), responding to evildoers (5:44, 7:12) and focusing on your own actions (7:1-5).   You learn how hard Paul’s advice is to never return evil for evil, but good instead (Romans 12), and as you grow in your understanding of God’s love for us and through us, understand the depth of living out God’s love as described in 1 Corinthians 13.  Perhaps reading something like Corrie ten Boom’s book, The Hiding Place can help you as you struggle with injustice.

With that as my introduction, how about the top ten suggestions:

1)  Technically, you should probably feel complimented…after all, it means you and your life are so much more interesting than your ex’s that he/she simply won’t move on!

2)  Don’t let yourself sink to their level or become hard and bitter.  A friend of mine once said that the trouble with getting into a spitting match with a skunk is you both end up smelling like skunks.  Just stick to the facts, avoid counterattacks and unnecessary       explanations and defensiveness.

3)    Set appropriate boundaries, and don’t be afraid to stand up for them.  Enabling poor behavior benefits no one.  Sometimes you can state or write your desires in a clear and non-confrontational manner with good results, but not always. 

4)  Pray for them!  Maybe not the prayers you FEEL like praying, but prayers you can imagine Jesus praying.  Prayers like, “God, help him/her submit to You. Help her/him realize how what they do affects the kids.”

5)  The Golden Rule (Matthew 7:12) is a good guide to use….treat others (your ex) the way you want them to treat you.  (Not how they ARE treating you, but the way you WANT them to treat you.)  You are setting an example, maybe they will pick up on it (but I wouldn't bet on it if I were you).  More importantly set an example for your children or others who are watching you as an example of a person of faith.  

6)  If worst comes to worst, you COULD go back to court to seek some assistance, if you can afford it.  If the ex doesn't

 make court ordered payments or schedules, or if     there is continual harassment, there are possible legal courses of action such as contempt of court charges or restraining orders. The trouble often is, though, that     even though you may be able to obtain court decrees, enforcement is often another matter.  Ultimately,there will be the court of heaven and the judgment there will be inescapable. 

7)  Return good for evil (Romans 12:14-21).  Even if your ex shortchanges you financially, or robs you of time with your children on their birthday or Father’s/Mother’s     Day, YOU still seek to do what is right, what is good, what OUGHT to be done. You will be able to look yourself in the mirror when you are doing your best to live pleasing to God, even if others are not. 

8)  If you have children, always remember this is their father or mother.  If nothing else, your ex gave you these children you love.  AND, the ex remains their father or mother, and so don’t do things that undermine that reality.  Try to be careful what you say or do in front of them.

9)  Perhaps most of all, when dealing with that troublesome  ex, you can be thankful that at least you don’t have to deal with him/her all the time, since you no longer    share a home.  After the divorce, though an ex can create a great deal of stress and havoc, you still can go home to your own space and your own friends without him/her around. 

10)  Notice:  none of these are really about that troublesome ex….because you often have no useful influence over that person.  All you control are YOUR behaviors and          attitudes, you don’t control theirs.  Remember, if the two of you got along well, holding the same values and priorities, you probably would still be married….it’s because you DON’T that you are now dealing with them as an EX…don’t expect them to adopt your point of view NOW!  The good news is, you also will only have to answer for your own choices…they will have to answer for theirs. 

Well, there’s a list.  Maybe it will help.  At least it can offer some food for thought. 

TL:dr  Dealing with an ex can be very difficult, but tips about the kind of person you are and how you respond can make a difference.  

How's your Lawn?

Unwatered or Unnatural?

I like Phoenix.  Arizona in general, actually.  I have visited many times over the years, especially since I have family living there.  In fact, this last trip down was for the memorial service of a dear uncle who had passed away.  I have special memories, favorite places, favorite things to do and always try to discover something new as well.  (Don’t worry, I’m not going to discuss all of those, you can read on!)  So I went on an early morning walk   (one of my favorite desert things to do) and noticed a couple of things that had me thinking.  One was a sad thing, as I noticed that even though Phoenix has many places they try to make the city look nice and artistic, there always seems to be trash strewn along the roads and sidewalks.  New York is like that, too.  The other thing I noticed probably because in the upcoming volume of the divorce book, I have several reflections based on Jesus’ soils parable, and it got me to thinking about some things I might share with you.

As I fly or drive into Phoenix, I am always struck by the idea that millions of people choose to live together in a place where there is very little water naturally available. Most of it comes in through canals directed to various places, ultimately coming out of the mountains to the north.  Almost anything can grow in this area, as long as you irrigate.  So walking along, I would see three kinds of yards.  The first are the ones that are simply desert oriented.  These are yard where people know that the grass found in yards elsewhere does not survive in the desert on its own, so they create yards that are more desert friendly, with pea gravel, cactus and aloe.  The rest of the yard is simply a sandy desert theme.  But most places like having yards with grass.  I would walk by some of the nicest yards, well watered, well kept, that look really great.  But right next door may be a yard that has reverted to sand, as those owners have neglected the needed watering.  As I proceed from here, you may want to take what I share as a metaphor for your own life, or maybe for your marriage or divorce, because those were the images that came to my mind as I reflected on what I saw.

The first kind of yard, the desert theme, can be an interesting approach to things.  Those owners simply step back and take a realistic look at their situation and seem to decide a couple of things.  I think they must remind themselves that they chose the desert as the place they wanted to live, so why bother to try to create something that belongs to some other climate in the first place?  And the second thing I think they do is simply take a realistic look at things:  grass isn't part of this environment, what is?  What things belong here and I enjoy?  How can I simply take the reality of the desert to create something I enjoy for my yard?  And then they decorate with some lovely cactus flowers and rough stone and create something pretty nice.  I think married couples can create good marriages doing that as well, by simply not trying to be something they aren't  taking a realistic look at themselves and their life circumstances, and then building their marriage based on the realities of their lives.  At least, it sure makes sense to me, doesn't it YOU? 

Others, like the lush green yards, instead of looking merely at what is, also look at what could be with a little effort and imagination, and so go about doing the things to make something more.  They put in irrigation pipes, they set timers to flood the lawn, they plant orange trees and azaleas, and end up with a pretty scenic spot out of the deal.  But it requires a lot of intentional planning, thought and effort.  And some marriages thrive doing the same thing.

But what I noticed most was the contrast between the yard owners who had let theirs go, and their neighbors with lush green grass.  The title of this blog captures the conclusions I came to in my reflections.  The first one is that in order to have a quality lawn in Phoenix, you have to commit and be diligent to keep up the watering and the other tasks of lawn maintenance such as edging and mowing.  Without that nurturing care, the lawn dies.  And it appears to die very quickly under the scorching heat, and soon reverts to nothing but desert sand.  It seems to me that the same is true for us, as individuals and as couples.  If we are going to be people of high character, it requires diligence on our part, because we can quickly decay and revert to something less.  I know this is true of our spiritual beings.  Our understanding of God and our relationship with Him is not something that just goes on its own, it is something we must nurture and cultivate, if we want that area of our lives to prosper.  If we want our marriages to thrive like the lush green of a healthy lawn, we need to be willing to be diligent to keep up the things that make for a good marriage: time together, good communication, consideration, that sort of thing.  If you are divorced, then you may recognize here how your marriage had gotten to the desolate point it had reached, as you reflect on the care not provided.

But then I also thought more along the lines of the people with the first yard.  The yards are gorgeous, and I grant that the desert is extremely fertile when things are watered, but there is also a certain artificial-ness to it all.  In rain forests and jungles, there is no need to try to make things grow…plants grow and grow and grow all by themselves!  In those locations, the issue is more about how to keep them from taking over!  So there is a sense in which the green yard people in the desert are trying to make their places something they are not!  And they do it for appearance’s sake, of course, they want their places to look nice.  But even if they make the yard nice and plush, the truth is, that is NOT the nature of the desert…the nature of it is to be waterless, and to harbor those hardy plants the thrive under these extreme conditions.  For the lawns to truly be lush would require a change in nature, the rain patterns to shift and turn this area into a jungle which, by nature, is a thriving place for plants. 

I think sometimes individuals, Christians and marriages all make the same kind of error in their lives.  They do the things it takes to change the way things appear to make them seem wonderful, but they never really deal with the core issue of the need to change their nature.  The marriage is a sham, the individual is disingenuous, or the Christian has no depth and is hypocritical.  It isn't enough to look godly, we must be godly if we want to please Him.  The need is for a change in the nature.  The couple in the marriage need to ask God for transformation to help make it what they cannot create themselves.  Paul says in Corinthians that Christ makes in us a new creation, that the old has passed away while the new has come, as if describing a desert turned to rain forest.  (Interestingly enough, many deserts in the world were, in fact, once lush jungles and forests, until nature changed.) 

So does any of this resonate with anything in your life?  I know that in mine, there are places that need real transformation, not merely a change of appearance.  And I know that taking a realistic look at my situation makes a huge difference in what I expect and what I know I can reasonably try to create.  And I also know that the touch of God is an absolute essential for areas where my feeble attempts at beauty leave something to be desired.  Maybe the lawn of YOUR life could use some thoughtful consideration, too. 

TL:dr  In life, as in lawns, it is wise to assess ourselves and our relationships based on the realities of life, and deal with the real nature of things, not artificial constructs of our own making.

Acknowledge What Is... and Then Let Go!

What’s Wrong With Me?

I am probably one of the few males in the world who really does like the old movie, “When Harry Met Sally.”  If you have seen it, you may remember the scene where Meg Ryan’s character finds out her boyfriend got engaged to somebody else, and she cries out that it wasn't that he didn't want to get married, it was that he didn't want to marry her, struggling with what is wrong with her that nobody wanted to marry her.  That is an emotion lots of people feel in one way or another during or after a divorce. 

What is wrong with me? 

That can be experienced lot so of different ways.  What’s wrong with me that he/she left me for another?  What’s wrong with me that I treated him/her so badly?  What’s wrong with me that I didn't learn my lesson and work harder to make the marriage good?  What’s wrong with me that he/she didn't want to live with me anymore?  What’s wrong with me that I couldn't see this coming?  What’s wrong with me that I couldn't make it all work out?  What’s wrong with me that makes me so unlovable?  What’s wrong with me that I didn't make the changes I should and so drove him/her away? What’s wrong with me that I chose to marry somebody like that in the first place?  As I look around at all the happy couples who have good marriages and love one another and manage to keep theirs going so well, what’s wrong with me?

Maybe I could offer a few possible responses that might be helpful, if you have ever felt that way (whether you are divorced or not!).  Let me illustrate first from a wedding I recently performed.  At the front of the sanctuary, as the ceremony was proceeding and it was my turn to share some thoughts for the beaming couple in front of me, I told the groom I had some bad news for him.  I explained that this woman he loved and was about to marry was, indeed, NOT PERFECT.  She had issues, struggles, shortcomings….she just was NOT a perfect person.  But then I reminded them that HE wasn't perfect either!  Marriage is the joining together of two imperfect people, with radically difference perceptions (remember, she is from Venus while He is from Mars!) to go build a home in an imperfect world.  So, part of what is wrong with you, or with me, or your ex is that none of us is perfect or were married to a perfect person, and that combination of imperfection can sometimes turn very sour.  This imperfection, by the way, is what the scripture refers to as our sinful nature, the fallen state not only of humanity but of the world system damaged by sin that leaves creation groaning for redemption, says Paul in Romans.

Secondly, maybe the breakup with your spouse isn't so much about what is wrong with YOU, as it is what is wrong with your EX!  I know some individuals who were abandoned by their spouses and left us all wondering, “WHAT was he/she thinking?  This was a GREAT person left behind!”  Or, maybe you beat yourself up asking why you couldn't have chosen more wisely in the first place.  There is truth in the old saying that love is blind, and so sometimes we cannot or will not see things that might have warned us.  But sometimes we made choices the best we knew how at the time, even under the guidance of God, and then life happens.  We just need to give ourselves a bit of credit that we did the best we could given the knowledge we had at the time, and reality is that we didn't

 know then what we know now, and that makes all the difference.

Finally, you can waste a lot of time trying to figure it all out, all to no purpose.  Sure, if you can identify things you could do differently in your life, or ways you can grow, or things for which you need to forgive your ex…these things are all helpful when looking back and asking where you have failed.  But to be able to identify the 30% that came from your issues and the 70% that came from your ex’s (or vice versa) really accomplishes nothing usable.  Truth is we each contribute to the successes and failures of our marriages, and we always have the opportunity to become more than what we are, to become more of what God desires us to be, and these are really the only useful purpose of asking what is wrong with us.  And I believe it is also useful to acknowledge that there are some things we cannot change on our own.  We need the alcoholic support group, we need the encouragement of friends, we need the help of our doctor or counselor, and most of all, we need God’s Spirit to guide, forgive and strengthen the things in our life that will create the futures that could possibly be. 

So what’s wrong with you?  Oh, probably lots of things.  And lots of things are wrong with me, too.  But neither of us is stuck there.  And it is the same boat that all of us are in.  So acknowledge what is, and then let it go.  Limit the time your rehash the past so that you will have the energy to build the future.

TL:dr  We can obsess over what we did wrong, or we can focus on the things we could possibly do RIGHT in days ahead. 

                        

The Process of Divorce - Grief and Mess

Messy, Griefy Divorce--Reflected

I don’t know if you read the blog that has been featured on Paperblog of late, but I thought it had some really good thoughts, and I wanted to respond to and piggy back on various portions of the article.  The title of that article is “Divorced? It’s Messy and Grief is a Part of It” by Rhodainpittsburgh and one the first comments the author makes is:  “Divorced means you are wrapped up in grief because the dream of the family is lost.”  All of who experience divorce know what she means.  But I would like to suggest some fine tuning of the comment, specifically regarding the dream.  The dream of the family that she says is lost is, indeed, lost if it refers to the specific family whose relationships are now broken and strained.  There remains a dream of what a healthy, functioning family is, and that dream remains worth pursuing.  True, barring reconciliation it won’t happen with that original family.  But as one moves on in life, the dream can materialize in a second family, possibly tweaked by the reality of step children from a previous marriage.  In the midst of divorce it is easy to believe things can never be good again, which is not true; although they will be different.

 “Being divorced is really about having a whole new world view come into play. Just like grief, being divorced takes a good amount of time to recover,” is the next section for me to add my comment.  It is very true that a new world view enters life, much of which is an undesired world view, certainly nothing anyone would aspire to have.  That world view can become either extremely cynical, or one that is simply more realistic than the starry eyed idealism of youth.  And grief is exactly the right word…..the grief of divorce is the same as the other grief experienced in life’s losses, with the exception that after a divorce the “corpse” continues to interfere in your life, and he/she intentionally chose to leave and reject you, creating some significantly more intense dynamics in grief.  The hurt and sense of betrayal is far different from the grief of a death.  This difference may well add to the long process of healing the author refers to in her article.

Ms. Pittsburgh then goes on to discuss the perspectives of the dumped vs. the dumped upon, highlighting the shock and questioning about why.  She is, of course, right in the things she observes, including the rude awakening that can cause one to examine him/herself and one’s contribution to the problems of the failed marriage.  I remember my attorney and I discussing the fact that, generally speaking, the one who is filed upon faces a staggering learning curve to play catch-up with the spouse who has already begun the process of making plans and discovering legal as well as life options regarding divorce.  These things all combine to create such an intense shock that one can literally walk around in fear, desperation and the feelings of being overwhelmed.  It certainly is not the simple and easy process often depicted in movies.

As the author moves forward in her article, she begins to discuss the unhealthy ways the marriage got to the point of divorce, and the lessons that can be learned to avoid repeating the mistakes in the future.  As a pastor who has talked with many troubled couples through the years, the point she makes about avoiding problems and honest self-reflection could be expanded to include the admonishment that all too often couples are unwilling to face problems while they are still small, seeking help only after the problems have become almost unsolvable,  Or, what I have frequently seen as a cause of divorce is that, once a couple decides to work on their problems, the individuals are far too prone to focus on the problems they see in their spouse, and unwilling to do the hard work it takes to own up to one’s issues in a way that can lead to change and growth.  If you end up remarried, hopefully those words won’t describe you.

What lessons can be learned as one moves forward?  Rhodainpittsburgh makes several suggestions.  I would like to add a caveat to what is written:  what one really learns will be in the area of personal growth toward generally more healthy ways of relating and problem solving.  It is fairly dicey to take mistakes from a past relationship and try to apply correction to a future relationship, as each relationship is unique and each partner unique.  It is inappropriate to respond to a new partner in a way that is actually designed to avoid problems one had with a previous partner.  Those problems may not even apply in the new relationship!  It is more important to be, as the writer suggests, genuine and honest with yourself and your spouse, while open to growth and learning.  The example of silence she mentions in some cases may, indeed, be the stuffing of issues and attitudes, but others sort out their issues by means of silent reflection prior to speaking, while others still simply are quiet people who are more introverted and communicate more in nonverbal ways.  Again, the point is each person is unique and must be treated as such.

Further in the article, the writer speaks of reentering the world alone, without the partner you once had at your side.  Of course, she is right.  And that reentry can feel extremely uncertain and lonely.  On the other hand, it is also an incredible opportunity for a restart, the chance to choose a fresh way to live, to create a new kind of home environment, or even to be able to develop and express personality traits that had previously been left aside or long forgotten.  It is a wonderful opportunity to sit before God to simply ask, “What would you desire to do in my life and through my life from this point forward?”  Granted there may be some limitations, but there are also possibilities that did not exist in the previous troubled relationship.  I would encourage folks to never minimize the opportunity that the tragedy of divorce has created, though created in a terrible and very difficult way.

As she goes on to discuss loneliness and the opportunity to find yourself afresh, I would suggest that her point of rediscovering yourself is only part of the process, because you can also begin asking yourself, “But who do I want to become?  What do I want my life to reflect?  And, most important of all, what am I willing to do to get there?”  The loneliness, though absolutely overwhelming and often extremely depressing, does provide the solitude time to ask oneself questions such as these, without the constraints of answers imposed by a spouse with a different life agenda.

Rhoda warns one should not get lost in the loneliness and grief, seeking a balance instead.  In

fact, I would add an additional twist.  Not only the loneliness and grief, but don’t let even the divorce itself consume your life.  You are not merely a person divorced or divorcing.  You still are a unique individual, capable of making various contributions in the lives of those around you as a worker, a parent, a sibling or a friend.  Don’t allow divorce to somehow become your self-definition.  It is only one facet of the person you are. 

Yes, the process of divorce and life afterwards are complicated, messy and uncertain.  And no two are exactly alike...some couples manage to find ways to work it out well while others wage all out war for generations.  As a result, it is always hard to predict, or for specific advice to always apply.  But here are a few thoughts, partly suggested by Rhoda.  It is important to seek support and strength, but for that to be done in healthy ways and not in addictive or dependent relationships that can become very inappropriate and eventually more hurtful than the divorce.  And while there are common threads among those experiencing failing marriages and divorce, the truth is, most everything I said above cannot be generalized to fit everybody.  What is helpful for one person may be counterproductive for another.  What can bring healing to one might cause unnecessary hurt for another.  Just as couples in marriage must work out the particulars of relationship skills and tasks that work for them, so in divorce each individual has to find the direction that can lead them, over time, to wholeness and hope.  Personally, I do believe it is always best to process these things with God as your guide, hence the title of my book, Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce. But as Rhoda has so aptly demonstrated in her article, and as I seek to provide in my book and writings as well, sometimes it is simply helpful to make the journey through, as a shared journey with somebody who has gone through divorce previously who is willing to open their world, struggle and perspective enough to provide some tips along the way.  Maybe these articles can begin the process for some of you reading these pages.  At least, I hope so.

TL:dr  An insightful article about the struggles of divorce receives comment and input from Richard.

A Sneak Peak at Volume 2 - Spring and Summer - Seasons of Divorce

(Reposting this blog from yesterday... caught some errors in it and wanted to put out a corrected version...)

On it's way....

Richard has finished the second volume of Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce: Spring and Summer is in  preparation for the publisher!!   To give you a sneak peek we are posting Day 43 from the book.  

Like the first volume - volume 2 has six months worth of daily devotionals and is intended to walk with you on your journey through the divorce process.  

Day 43    1  Samuel 20:25-32; Genesis 4:3-11; and  James 1:19-20

  Rage.  Hatred.  Resentment.  Revenge.  Fury.  Wrath.  Bitterness.  Detest.  Rampage.  Shame.  Raving.  Temper.  Grudges.  Jealousy.  Malice.  Outrage.  Disgust.  Pretty intense words, huh?  Emotions that are pretty consuming, too.  Do you recognize any of those words?  Do you remember feeling that way in recent months?  Maybe you don’t have to go back months…..maybe this morning, or a few minutes ago.  I suspect a high percentage of us who have experienced divorce have faced most of these emotions at some point in the process.  Especially if there are particularly difficult circumstances to deal with, such as having been abused (or children who were abused), an ex who was viciously vindictive in the divorce, if you are the victim of an adulterer, if you were left financially devastated or abandoned at an extremely awkward time such as when expecting a baby.  I bet these don’t even scratch the surface.

  I want to offer a few thoughts to you in regard to these emotions.  It isn’t surprising that you may have felt any or all of these at some point in your divorce.  I know…I felt many of them, myself.  Because divorce literally shatters so much of our lives, and hits us at the core in a very extreme way.  It makes sense that extreme emotions would arise under those conditions.  What doesn’t make sense is to let those emotions begin to take over your soul, or to continue to nurture them and end up trapped in their nasty clutches.  Today’s scriptures include the story of two men whose lives went into ruin because they did just that, they allowed these powerful emotions to take control of their hearts and their choices as they expressed them in impulsive and damaging action against others.  Cain was so jealous of Abel, and so ashamed that his rage took over and he killed his brother, ending up cursed and rejected because of it.  Saul’s jealousy and rage against David took over and the story of God’s first chosen king in Israel turned from victory into tragedy as his life spiraled further and further downward into depression and eventually death.  Unfortunately, there is not an easy way out of these things.

  Now that you are in the springtime of your divorce, these emotions may be subsiding, less frequent and starting to heal over.  If not, then you may want to do some serious soul searching.  Is where those emotions lead really the place you wish to go?  If you allow their destructive nature to spit venom into your words and deeds, will that be the kind of example you wish to set for your children and friends?  James warns us that our anger is not the kind of anger God has; it is about us, not about justice.  Usually anger masks a deeper emotion, like being hurt, or feeling helpless and betrayed, or even being embarrassed and ashamed.  There is a way out with God’s help and learning to forgive.  It may require you to spend some time with your pastor or a professional counselor.  It is common to experience these in the heat of divorce….but dangerous to let them follow you into the next stage of your life.  I encourage you to be sure you have started doing the hard work of letting them go so you can find the peace of Christ to bring healing, serenity and self-control.  It will be well worth it.

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Tragic Loss of Life

260 Souls Lost

So what was the final death toll up in Boston?  Three was the last I saw, and, of course, 144 wounded, some terribly wounded.  At the Texas factory, the death toll has risen to 15 with 200 injured.  Back to back tragedies here.  But did you see the news yesterday about the 260 killed by the collapse of a clothing sweat shop outside Dhaka, Bangladesh, with over 1000 injured?  (At least those are the last numbers I have seen…there is quite a variation out there.)  After the building had been ordered evacuated as unsafe the day before.  The workers were ordered back in by the owners the next day, told to ignore the cracks.  The same owners who are now in hiding. 

 

I got to travel to Dhaka last year, and heard it said that the Bengali people are the happiest people on earth.  And let me tell you, I have never seen smiles bigger than those I saw in Bangladesh…..sometimes on the faces of people who had absolutely nothing.  I passed by some of those sweat shops, some lit up in full swing late into the night.  While there are some very modern and beautifully structured buildings there, there are some that are clearly questionable….and I kind of wondered about the techniques they used….notice the bamboo in the pictures!  Since it isn’t our country, it doesn’t receive the attention that our national tragedies do, even though the death toll is significantly larger and the wounded exponentially more.  But it doesn’t have anything to do with us, right?  Except that the clothes from that building have been purchased by U.S. stores like WalMart or Dress Barn according to multiple articles.  CNN had an article that said: 

“The resulting catastrophe is the latest to befall Bangladesh’s accident-prone garment industry, which employs more than 4 million people — most of them women — but regularly comes under scrutiny for its slipshod safety standards.”  (http://myfox8.com/2013/04/25/nearly-200-killed-in-collapse-of-clothing-factory-in-bangladesh/)

FOUR MILLION PEOPLE!!   In “slipshod safety standards.”  And an “accident-prone garment industry.”          

                                                                                      

 I like finding bargains as much as the next person, but events such as this should give us all pause, especially in a time when we can find fair trade articles if we look for them.  We say that at least they have a job, but it isn't a job that really enables people to get ahead in life.  It is more like slavery at subsistence wages.  I would be remiss NOT to tell you that I got to see first hand that there are people working to help these women and their families have a chance at a better life.  Education in the most rural of areas.  Job skill training and self employ opportunities, as well as nutrition and agricultural guidance are among the things a few people are doing to make a difference in the lives of regular people.  It is a wonderful alternative to dangerous sweatshops that keep their workers in abject poverty.  You might consider supporting such groups, by making fair trade purchases and supporting groups that are working to improve conditions.

In Dhaka I saw toddlers playing in the dirty gutter with discarded video tape as their toys.  I saw individuals sleeping on pushcarts or three wheeled bikes, apparently the only beds they have.  I saw inner city and rural women, bound in poverty, but finding a way out through the training they were receiving. 

Anyway, does it bother anybody else that we have such a high value on lives in our country, but not so much when it is out of our purview?   Kind of an “out of sight out of mind” concept.  I also heard there have been tens of thousands killed in Syria’s uprising.  The tragic list of worldwide needless loss of life is staggering.  And it is also significant, I think, that the folks who died in Texas and Boston are in environments where they would have at least had the chance to find out about Jesus and enter eternity prepared and forgiven.  In Dhaka, such opportunities are extremely few, so the lives lost in garment tragedies there likely enter a Christless eternity. 

I guess I just wanted to share a bit.  For those of you going through a divorce, sometimes things like this can bring some perspective….because life could be a lot worse than it is even in divorce here in America.  For millions of people, their lives daily are far, far more tragic.  Pray for the people of Bangladesh, won’t you?  It so reminds me of Jesus’ statement that the laborers for the kingdom are few.  And as we mourn our losses here in Texas and Boston, could we also mourn those whose lives existed and ended in pathetically tragic circumstances?  And maybe give a second thought when we check our clothing tags…care a bit more about the person at the sewing machine.

TL:dr  Our national mourning could be expanded to also mourn those we give no second thought to, the garment factory workers in Bangladesh (May God have mercy on their souls.)

God Hears the Cries of Boston

LOSS OF INNOCENCE…..AGAIN

It may seem like I have forgotten about the blog lately, but I simply have been caught up with a couple of things at home, including trying to do some editing to get the second volume of Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce to the publisher…. wouldn't take so long if I wasn't so picky!  Soon, I promise.  In addition, I am actually away from home to take my 90+ year old father to visit some relatives in Chicago (long drive)…..figure there are not too many trips like this left….but lots of time to blog.  He is going to get to go to his first professional ball game tonight….we go to see the Chicago Cubs play the Texas Rangers.  Promises to be a big day.  But while here, heard the sad news about the bomb blasts in Boston, although only bits and pieces.  Of course, we all need to be praying for the grieving families, as well as those who are doing the investigative work, whether it is international terrorism or simply some angry young man like the one at Sandy Hook. 

 

A truly sad thing.  At least for most of us.  There are those, who seem to rejoice in these kinds of acts, and those people also need our prayers.  I vaguely remember some discussions back at the time of the 9/11 murders that included comments about the fact that the United States had just been introduced to the world of terrorism in a most obscene way, and that places like Israel have had to deal with these kind of horrific acts for many years.  I had a friend who was studying in Jerusalem back in the 90’s who told me about the day he was headed across town when a bomb blast blew up a bus, killing and injuring many.  During my time at Hebrew Union College in Cincinnati, there were often times when a bomb blast in Israel would place the campus on high alert.  The Jewish people are very aware of the hatred that exists against them by some misguided and angry people - and the fear is that the same incident would happen there.    But when 9/11 introduced the U.S. to the fact that we are not immune from the hatred and violence in the world, those far away stories affecting only a few individuals became stories about us, now. 

 

But what seemed to be an awakening in our country has, over time, become watered down by political correctness and conspiracy theory idiocy, as well as the continued assumption that if only we talk and be nice to people, they won’t do anything bad or hate us.  And while it is possible that talking and kindness can change the way people relate to us, it ignores a core reality of human existence, that is also not politically correct:  the sinful nature of human beings.  Oh, sure you and I may not be a person who would go set off bombs to kill race spectators or tourist buses, nor fly airplanes into buildings…but can you honestly say that you have never done anything wrong?  Or that you actually DID do all the good and right things you knew ought to be done in your life?  Or that you will never do anything you are ashamed of ever again?  If you think you are not included in this brokenness, then maybe that is your first mistake (or sin)….though I doubt it.

I was reading on the internet the other day about a murder here in the states that made national headlines…I don’t remember the details.  But I remember a comment that was posted below the article in which an individual was frustrated that the murders of four young black men in Chicago would not be granted the same significance by the media of this one murder.  The same kind of thing is, of course, occurring now.  The terrible Boston tragedy is gaining non-stop coverage and analysis, as well it should.  But there were at least as many murders and atrocities in our world occurring simultaneously, whether in North Korean prison camps or gang infested cities or through the hands of war lords in Africa….about which we may not hear (or care!).  But God does.  He notices the passing of each one who comes before Him for judgment.  He notices the tears that stain the faces of the families.  He notices the hardness of people who do not care.  And he notices the cause as sin continues to spread its grip in our world.  And He notices whether or not His people exemplify the changed hearts of love by the way they live and the compassion they show.  He notices whether or not we take seriously the need to let people know there is a better way, a way to be freed from sin’s grasp on our hearts and minds and deeds.  

So as the investigators and the health care workers do their jobs there in Boston, and law makers do whatever they feel their job is. Perhaps it is time to ask when we believers are going to actively deal with the core problems.  When will we take seriously our responsibility carry the promise of God’s grace and new creation salvation to a world in such desperate need of it?  That is the only answer to problems like these:  a changed heart through the power of the Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross.  Bombing is already against the law.  Murder is already against the law.  Assault is already against the law.  Capturing the individuals who murdered in Boston yesterday will not change the hearts or deeds of those who plan on doing the same kind of murderous deeds in Jerusalem or Rwanda or wherever else tomorrow.  When will our loss of innocence open our eyes to the spiritual realities of the world in which we live and the depth of evil that exists? 

Sadly, in the U.S., I suspect it won’t be long before the conspiracy theorists find a way to blame this on the Jews or the government, or the actions are all explained away by a profile of the individual’s cultural background and everybody will move on as if it has nothing to do with OUR lives or who WE are...anything to prevent us from looking deeply at the mar that sin has left upon our hearts and the hearts of those around us.  God has compassion and mercy for sinners….but for those who deny it exists, there is never a need to come seek that forgiveness.  But for those who know that they, too, are individuals whose lives have been broken, God will never turn away those who come seeking His grace and restoration.  And that our example the early Christians set so effectively in the Roman Empire that they literally turned the world upside down….by overcoming evil with good, hatred with love and telling the world there is a better way.  Even as we pray for those suffering in Boston, let’s do our best to help turn the tide. 

TL:dr  The evildoers in our world, as exemplified in Boston, more than anything else, need to experience a personal encounter with God, and it is up to us to help them know how.

How far would you go?

Probably the Best Divorce Practice I Ever Followed!

If you can, before reading this, could I ask you to go get one of your Bibles if you have one, and just have it in your lap or close at hand?  Today I want to share something with you that really struck me.  I have a friend who works in a very remote hilly area in the Philippines, translating the scriptures into the native language of that small group of people.  Every once in a while he sends out newsletters, telling his friends what is going on and listing prayer requests and the like.  He probably also uses it to keep his sanity, as he is so far away from his original way of living when he grew up on the East Coast of the United States.  Anyway, I wanted to share with you some of the things out of his latest musings, after which I will be able to explain what it made me think about.  So, the following excerpts are from my friend, Glenn:

The mayor told me that power lines would reach Mangali by the end of the year. How nice (and different!) that will be!

Praise God that we finished the accuracy checks of Revelation and the last half of Luke (the first half was done a few years ago). 

Praise God for good opportunities to share with people in the community during comprehensibility checks as well as in public events such as school closing programs. I printed out the current drafts of the entire New Testament for the team members so they can more readily use the Mangali scriptures in church services and elsewhere and they are being used!

Still recovering from pneumonia in January, I decided that I would not hike in all the way to Mangali. There was, however, a truck going in that day, which was a great option for the first 4 1/2 hours. Then we hit incredible amounts of mud, and the workers got out (every few minutes it seemed) to shovel mud and put down rocks and rice chaff for traction. They did this from 3 p.m. until 2:20 a.m., at which point they decided to get some sleep. Unable to sleep before then without being pitched out into the mud when the truck jerked forward, I was glad to get some rest, even if it meant sleeping on the spare tire with a backpack under my head. The next morning we decided to hike the rest of the way, and we arrived at the edge of Mangali at 2 p.m. The truck, still carrying some of our cargo, didn’t arrive until 10 that night!

Pretty impressive stuff, huh?  When was the last time you took 7 or 8 hours hiking to help somebody who needs to know something about the scriptures?  When were you last so tired you slept on something akin to a truck tire?  Or do you remember when you finally got electricity run to your home?  Or how long have YOU been waiting to have the New Testament available in your native language?  And how much are you willing to do to help someone who doesn't have the New Testament in their language to have that opportunity? Or to help someone get to church who can't due to a disability, poverty or lack of "appropriate social skills?" 

A missionary friend of mine (well, wish they were friends, I actually only got to meet them for a short while) once told about going back home to Australia from their mission field, and how much it bothered them when their friends would complain about losing electricity for 5 minutes in a storm and consider it a major crisis.  My friends compared it to their experience of driving their van in the mission country on hot summer days.  The windows would be down and women on the street attempted to shove their babies into the van, hoping they would take the babies home and the child would have a chance at a decent life.  Compared to the desperation they witnessed from these women, five minutes without electricity just didn't seem like a big deal to my friends.  Obviously, all those years without a regular power source must not be a big deal to my translation friend, either, because he has been going to that village for a couple of decades. 

 

 Beside you (hopefully) is a Bible.  Odds are, you have had one accessible the vast majority of your life, if nothing else a Gideon Bible at the local hotel or hospital or down at the public library (maybe a few readers haven’t).  These people are thrilled that the scriptures are going to be available in their language at last.  Now thrilled are you that it already IS in yours? 

Probably one of the best habits I had during my divorce process was spending time every day reading God’s Word.  I learned a lot about myself, about God, and received a lot of encouragement, challenges and hope.  Especially if you have children in the home as a single parent, it is very hard to carve out time to spend reading the scriptures…so many other demands just seem so terribly urgent.  But I would encourage you to not let those moments get crowded out…don’t find the time, MAKE the time, one way or another.  Even if it is only 5 minutes at bedtime. 

Pause for moment.  Right now, hold that Bible and try to imagine how you would feel if that Bible wasn't even available in your language.  That was reality at one time.  Even if you are a Greek or Hebrew speaker, there was a time it wasn't written or collected yet.  Imagine that the Bible in your hand is the first Bible you can read.  Imagine that you have just received the first one translated into your language for the first time since it was written 2000 years ago.  It’s a sad thing that we so take for granted this incredible volume that sits on our tables or shelves.  It is truly a treasure beyond any other here on earth.  How about taking a few minutes with the copy you have beside you to spend time with it realizing just how incredible it really is?

TL: dr  The greatest treasure we neglect to see is God’s Word at our fingertips.