Thinking About Children

What About the Children?

My wife teaches.  I have pastored churches and been involved in ministries that include all ages of youngsters.  A significant shift has taken place in our culture that is pervasive, and it can be most readily illustrated in the form of assumptions:  a) you can no longer assume that children with different last names are not brother and sister living in the same household; b) nor can you assume that the children in a home all have the same father or mother; c) nor can you assume that a children you know have the same name as the parent with whom they reside, IF they reside with a parent at all.  Grandparents, aunts and uncles, step-parents, foster parents---families are very much more complicated these days than in years gone by.  Also, children are very much more confused about marriage and family, and often enter our presence with private heartaches, losses and fears.

A radio interviewer once told me the story of a family member of hers whose ex, after years of being divorced, would still drive the children to a meeting location supposedly for the purpose of letting the children go to their dad’s for the weekend, when she in fact already knew that he would not be there because had called in advance with a conflict of schedule. Why did she do that?  Because then she could tell the children that his not coming proved he didn’t love them.   Then she would turn around and drive home.  Of course, I have no way to verify the story, but sadly, I find it very believable.  Because I am sorry to say, it is only one of a multitude of similar stories I have heard down through the years.

In many ways children suffer the most through a divorce.  It is not an insignificant statistic that a high percentage of American children living in poverty are in single parent homes.  Granted, there are times a divorce actually gives children a chance at a more normal life that protects them from abuse.  But most of the time, divorce is about the adults, not due to concern for the children.  Some parents work very hard to help their children navigate the tough waters of splitting parents, doing their best to protect the children from unnecessary heartbreak.  Other parents use their children as weapons to wreak vengeance in anger at their exs.  And there are parents who are good pretenders, saying they are acting in the child’s best interest and doing it in such a way as to convince the children they are, but who in fact are manipulative and deceptive about the web they weave.  In that case, it may be a long time or perhaps never that the children learn for themselves to understand and appreciate the “enemy” parent for who he or she really is without the colored lenses provided by such a parent. 

Children should not have to hate one parent in order to be able to love the other.  Children should not have to choose which parent to be loyal to and whether they can have a loving relationship with each.  Children should not have to be pawns dealing with issues that the adults in their lives are unable or unwilling to deal with themselves.  Children should not suffer the brainwashing that a divorcing parent might try to impose.  Children already feel insecure enough as the world they call home crashes down around them, every effort should be made to provide assurance for them in as many other areas as possible.  The broken hearts of children should experience healing from their parents as agents of God loving, protecting and caring for the little ones in their charge.

I realize that even the best of parents makes mistakes, and that children even in the best of families may suffer heartbreak and wander far astray.  So when I say the things I did above, I mean we should try our best, trusting God to make up for those times we fall short.  But for parents whose actions are more self-serving than children serving, I remember with trembling the words of Jesus in Matthew 18:5-7----

And whoever receives one such child in My name receives Me; but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck, and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.

A Reason to Laugh

Stop and Laugh With Me

(you may want to bear with me in this…there is eventually a point!)

(This cartoon copyrights owned by PEANUTS Worldwide LLC)

Somebody once asked why I chose to use a devotional format for my books.  And there are lots of reasons, but one of the main one is that I have used devotional guides myself of one sort or another for over 30 years, and have found that time to stop, reflect and listen to be invaluable in my life.  Lately, I have included in my routines reading through some old copies of Guideposts I have picked up in thrift stores here and there, and had a particularly funny story told by Mark Collins in the 2011 edition.  With my own retelling, the story goes like this:

A man was visiting a loved one dying in the hospital, and as they visited was reminded that so many times that loved one had told the man that when he thought about dying, he had always wanted to die in his sleep like his great grandfather.  He did NOT want to die screaming and squirming and scared like all the people who were in the back of his great grandfather’s stagecoach when he drove it over the cliff! 

Or how about some old lame ones?  Like the man who told his friend that there was something wrong, because everywhere he looked, he was always seeing spots.  His friend asked if he had seen the doctor.  “No, just spots!”

Or the man who DID go to the doctor because of a pain in his arm.  When the doctor asked him what was the matter, he replied as he raised his elbow to shoulder level, “Doc, it hurts when I do this.”  And the doctor, of course said, “Then don’t do that.”

Okay, how about a couple of my favorites, then. 

Like the one about the blonde woman (sorry blondes, I tried to rewrite it, but it just doesn’t work as well) who hopped onto the Paris-bound plane in New York, and plopped right down in a First Class seat.  The flight was full, and as the attendants were checking people’s seating, she was advised that her ticket was for coach and she would have to move to a different seat.  The lady replied, “I’m blonde, I’m going to Paris, and I’m going to sit in first class. 

When she could not get the lady to move, she went up and got help.  The head steward came and said, “Ma’am, I’ve been informed you are in the wrong seat.  What seems to be the problem?”  She replied, “There’s no problem.  You see, I’m blonde, I’m going to Paris and I’m going to sit in first class.”  Unable to get a change, no matter who talked to her, and yet unable to depart until the seating problem was rectified, they finally brought in the captain.  They explained the situation to him, including her stubbornness, and so he went back to her seat, identified her as the lady in question, then leaned over and whispered into her ear.  She instantly hopped up and ran back to her seat back in the coach section at the back of the plane.  Mystified, the crew gathered around the captain and asked, “What did you say to her that got her to move?”  He smiled, and replied, “I simply told her that first class wasn’t going to Paris.”

Then there is the one about the braggart who claimed to be a great bear hunter, especially of grizzlies.  He had bragged all the way up to the remote cabin as he and his friends headed out on their hunting trip.  They, of course, mocked his arrogance, and it was clear to him they didn’t believe him.  And so, as they arrived, he bragged to them, “I tell you what, you guys go unpack everything, and I will do all the KP all week if I can’t get a bear before you are unpacked.”  Sounding like a sure thing, they took the bet. 

So the man disappeared out the door, and they started unpacking.  They weren’t very far along in the process when they suddenly heard the front door open, and saw the man rush in and hide behind the door.  A few seconds later, an angry grizzly came bounding into the cabin.  The man suddenly jumped from behind the door, and as he headed out to the porch, they heard him say, “You guys get this one skinned and I’ll be back with another in 15 minutes.”

I particularly enjoy Far Side and Peanuts cartoons.  A couple of my favorite Peanuts cartoons, as I recall them, are when Linus is walking around proclaiming how much he loves mankind, over and over again.  The ridiculous statement is challenged by one of the other kids, and Linus replies, I “LOVE mankind.  It’s people I can’t stand.”  And the other, also involving Linus, has him walking into the room all spruced up and looking fine, showing off his new clothes.  As he leaves the room, Lucy (I think) yells after him, “Hey, you forgot to polish the back of your shoes.”  And Linus replies, “I didn’t forget.  I only care what impression I make when I walk into the room.  I don’t care what they think when I leave!”  I think Charles Schulz is one of the great writers of our age, I really do. 

Why have I put all this out here?  Because one of the really tough areas of divorce, as well as a challenge we experience when we are dealing with times of high stress, is the great tension that exists internally.  In divorce, that tension is often accompanied by an overwhelming sadness.  

I lost a dear aunt who passed away recently, one of my prayer partner aunts.  During the times of my divorce, one of her wise words to me was to find something each day that can bring a smile to my face.  She knew scriptures such as these: 

“A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”---Proverbs 17:22 ESV

“He will yet fill your mouth with laughter, and your lips with shouting.”---

Job 8:21  ESV

In the midst of the heartache and struggles, something that brings a smile is, indeed, good medicine.  And it is a very promising thing to hear that laughter will one day return.  If you are a person struggling these days for whatever reasons, perhaps this blog will have brought a little laughter…or maybe a groan…to lift your spirits just a bit.  I encourage you to supplement it with additional items of your own that bring laughter and joy to your world.  God knows that there are plenty of things to bring you down!

TL:dr  Sharing some humor with the advice that laughter is a good antidote to heaviness of heart. 

BTW:  Right now, we have a special offer on both volumes of Finding God at our website:  findinggoddevotionals

Helping your friend...who is divorced, on Mother's Day

MOTHER’S DAY

Top Ten Tips to Help a Divorced Friend on Her First Divorced Mother’s Day

1)     Don’t be surprised if you don’t see her in church……it is hard enough without seeing lots of couples and hearing more stories than you want to hear.

2)    Odds are she will have her kids with her, but may not have the funds to go out to dinner…if you have funds, how about sending her a restaurant gift card?

3)    If her kids are young, somebody may need to do for them what dad used to, helping them shop or making a project for mom.  You could be that somebody (although, there are some of us dads who still make sure the kids have funds for Mother’s Day for our ex….so don’t assume.)

4)    If you have a close friendship, you may want to find a way to offer a bit of the pampering she may have experienced (or should have) on past Mother’s Days:  hire a teenager to clean house for her, send a gift certificate for a massage, that kind of thing.

5)    Give her a call, later in the day, and make sure the listening end of your phone is working well.  It very likely will be a difficult and emotional day….she may need a shoulder to cry on or a person with whom she can vent. 

6)    I wonder if she will get any Mother’s Day cards?  You could make sure there is at least one.

7)    IF SHE DOESN'T HAVE CHILDREN---don’t assume it is a no big deal day….remember, she didn't just lose her husband, she lost a potential family.

8)    Maybe she’d like to spend the day with HER mother, and doesn't have the resources to get there…you might be able to help out.

9)    The most significant help you give may not be on Mother’s Day.  It may be over lunch the day after when you ask how things went.  It just helps to know somebody cares, or even that somebody is aware that it might have been a difficult day

.

10) Don’t underestimate the power and meaning of prayer.  Pray for her on Mother’s Day, and let her know she is in your prayers.

The Process of Divorce - Grief and Mess

Messy, Griefy Divorce--Reflected

I don’t know if you read the blog that has been featured on Paperblog of late, but I thought it had some really good thoughts, and I wanted to respond to and piggy back on various portions of the article.  The title of that article is “Divorced? It’s Messy and Grief is a Part of It” by Rhodainpittsburgh and one the first comments the author makes is:  “Divorced means you are wrapped up in grief because the dream of the family is lost.”  All of who experience divorce know what she means.  But I would like to suggest some fine tuning of the comment, specifically regarding the dream.  The dream of the family that she says is lost is, indeed, lost if it refers to the specific family whose relationships are now broken and strained.  There remains a dream of what a healthy, functioning family is, and that dream remains worth pursuing.  True, barring reconciliation it won’t happen with that original family.  But as one moves on in life, the dream can materialize in a second family, possibly tweaked by the reality of step children from a previous marriage.  In the midst of divorce it is easy to believe things can never be good again, which is not true; although they will be different.

 “Being divorced is really about having a whole new world view come into play. Just like grief, being divorced takes a good amount of time to recover,” is the next section for me to add my comment.  It is very true that a new world view enters life, much of which is an undesired world view, certainly nothing anyone would aspire to have.  That world view can become either extremely cynical, or one that is simply more realistic than the starry eyed idealism of youth.  And grief is exactly the right word…..the grief of divorce is the same as the other grief experienced in life’s losses, with the exception that after a divorce the “corpse” continues to interfere in your life, and he/she intentionally chose to leave and reject you, creating some significantly more intense dynamics in grief.  The hurt and sense of betrayal is far different from the grief of a death.  This difference may well add to the long process of healing the author refers to in her article.

Ms. Pittsburgh then goes on to discuss the perspectives of the dumped vs. the dumped upon, highlighting the shock and questioning about why.  She is, of course, right in the things she observes, including the rude awakening that can cause one to examine him/herself and one’s contribution to the problems of the failed marriage.  I remember my attorney and I discussing the fact that, generally speaking, the one who is filed upon faces a staggering learning curve to play catch-up with the spouse who has already begun the process of making plans and discovering legal as well as life options regarding divorce.  These things all combine to create such an intense shock that one can literally walk around in fear, desperation and the feelings of being overwhelmed.  It certainly is not the simple and easy process often depicted in movies.

As the author moves forward in her article, she begins to discuss the unhealthy ways the marriage got to the point of divorce, and the lessons that can be learned to avoid repeating the mistakes in the future.  As a pastor who has talked with many troubled couples through the years, the point she makes about avoiding problems and honest self-reflection could be expanded to include the admonishment that all too often couples are unwilling to face problems while they are still small, seeking help only after the problems have become almost unsolvable,  Or, what I have frequently seen as a cause of divorce is that, once a couple decides to work on their problems, the individuals are far too prone to focus on the problems they see in their spouse, and unwilling to do the hard work it takes to own up to one’s issues in a way that can lead to change and growth.  If you end up remarried, hopefully those words won’t describe you.

What lessons can be learned as one moves forward?  Rhodainpittsburgh makes several suggestions.  I would like to add a caveat to what is written:  what one really learns will be in the area of personal growth toward generally more healthy ways of relating and problem solving.  It is fairly dicey to take mistakes from a past relationship and try to apply correction to a future relationship, as each relationship is unique and each partner unique.  It is inappropriate to respond to a new partner in a way that is actually designed to avoid problems one had with a previous partner.  Those problems may not even apply in the new relationship!  It is more important to be, as the writer suggests, genuine and honest with yourself and your spouse, while open to growth and learning.  The example of silence she mentions in some cases may, indeed, be the stuffing of issues and attitudes, but others sort out their issues by means of silent reflection prior to speaking, while others still simply are quiet people who are more introverted and communicate more in nonverbal ways.  Again, the point is each person is unique and must be treated as such.

Further in the article, the writer speaks of reentering the world alone, without the partner you once had at your side.  Of course, she is right.  And that reentry can feel extremely uncertain and lonely.  On the other hand, it is also an incredible opportunity for a restart, the chance to choose a fresh way to live, to create a new kind of home environment, or even to be able to develop and express personality traits that had previously been left aside or long forgotten.  It is a wonderful opportunity to sit before God to simply ask, “What would you desire to do in my life and through my life from this point forward?”  Granted there may be some limitations, but there are also possibilities that did not exist in the previous troubled relationship.  I would encourage folks to never minimize the opportunity that the tragedy of divorce has created, though created in a terrible and very difficult way.

As she goes on to discuss loneliness and the opportunity to find yourself afresh, I would suggest that her point of rediscovering yourself is only part of the process, because you can also begin asking yourself, “But who do I want to become?  What do I want my life to reflect?  And, most important of all, what am I willing to do to get there?”  The loneliness, though absolutely overwhelming and often extremely depressing, does provide the solitude time to ask oneself questions such as these, without the constraints of answers imposed by a spouse with a different life agenda.

Rhoda warns one should not get lost in the loneliness and grief, seeking a balance instead.  In

fact, I would add an additional twist.  Not only the loneliness and grief, but don’t let even the divorce itself consume your life.  You are not merely a person divorced or divorcing.  You still are a unique individual, capable of making various contributions in the lives of those around you as a worker, a parent, a sibling or a friend.  Don’t allow divorce to somehow become your self-definition.  It is only one facet of the person you are. 

Yes, the process of divorce and life afterwards are complicated, messy and uncertain.  And no two are exactly alike...some couples manage to find ways to work it out well while others wage all out war for generations.  As a result, it is always hard to predict, or for specific advice to always apply.  But here are a few thoughts, partly suggested by Rhoda.  It is important to seek support and strength, but for that to be done in healthy ways and not in addictive or dependent relationships that can become very inappropriate and eventually more hurtful than the divorce.  And while there are common threads among those experiencing failing marriages and divorce, the truth is, most everything I said above cannot be generalized to fit everybody.  What is helpful for one person may be counterproductive for another.  What can bring healing to one might cause unnecessary hurt for another.  Just as couples in marriage must work out the particulars of relationship skills and tasks that work for them, so in divorce each individual has to find the direction that can lead them, over time, to wholeness and hope.  Personally, I do believe it is always best to process these things with God as your guide, hence the title of my book, Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce. But as Rhoda has so aptly demonstrated in her article, and as I seek to provide in my book and writings as well, sometimes it is simply helpful to make the journey through, as a shared journey with somebody who has gone through divorce previously who is willing to open their world, struggle and perspective enough to provide some tips along the way.  Maybe these articles can begin the process for some of you reading these pages.  At least, I hope so.

TL:dr  An insightful article about the struggles of divorce receives comment and input from Richard.

I said goodbye to my dog today

BEST DIVORCE TIP I EVER HAD!

Reader Warning:  The material ahead contains significantly sappy thoughts, at least everything after the first paragraph does.  Read at your own peril.

The picture above is, Wwhhat, my dog for fifteen years.  Snoozing on the floor, in the middle of the room, her favorite place to be. 

If you have read my book, you already know the story about my dog, and the fun day my son and I had naming her the silly name we selected.  And when you get the second volume, there are enough dog and cat stories there to let you know how much I enjoy having pets.  When they are well trained.  Anyway, I’ll offer up the great tip first, that way you don’t have to read it all to find out.  A couple of friends were concerned for me when I was faced with divorce (actually more than a couple).  They were especially sensitive to the empty house I was in alone, with the kids only around on that terrible thing called a “shared parenting schedule” (or visitation some say).  That is probably the worst fallout of divorce…but that will go into my discussions on children.  

Anyway, so my friends decided I needed something to keep the house from feeling so empty, and one knew a person whose dog has just had beagle puppies (and I always wanted a beagle anyway!), so a little beagle puppy found her way to my home, and I was not alone again.  My wife also talks about the dogs keeping her company and protected, too.  

SO THE SIMPLE TIP IS:  if you are new into the divorce process and feeling the emptiness and loneliness of echoing walls in your home, it can be a GREAT thing to get a new pet.  Not for the kids, for you.  I prefer cats or dogs, maybe you like something else, but studies have indicated the stress reduction that comes with owning a pet (despite those times they can drive you NUTS!!!), and the companionship of a walking in the park with a dog or having a cat purr on your lap is incomparable.  So that’s the tip. Well, it may not really be the BEST tip I had, but it certainly turned out to be a very good one.  Of course, the downside of the tip is that if your finances are tight, unless you are a vet your will have the expenses of shots and spaying/neutering (which I STRONGLY urge you to do!)  But if you have the cash, the joy is well worth the investment.  (Okay, the sappy part is about to begin, you can bail out now if you’d like.)

Today I closed a chapter of my life, and it was a chapter that was difficult to close.  In the grand scheme of things, it seems almost ridiculous that I would consider this significant, but many of you will know exactly what I mean.  I mean, it is not nearly as big a deal as when my uncle or my mom passed away last year.  But today’s experience might contain something helpful for you, if you are struggling with divorce, and so I will share some memories with you. 

Today I had to put my dog down.  She was 15 years old, almost to the day.  Within a month or two of the beginning of divorce proceedings, she came into my life, tail wagging, mouth smiling, nose nuzzling and full of life.  I’d say she was the best dog I ever had, but I have had some really great dogs in my life and each has been special in its own way.  But this dog was clearly mine.  When I was alone, she and I would go to the park, and she would run and play (never really got the hang of fetch, though), and I would laugh and play with her on my hands and knees.  She was a companion for many, many years.  She never bit anyone.  She rarely growled (I don’t remember her ever doing it, actually).  She loved treats and her eyes lit up whenever I came around, always hoping we’d go for another walk or have a special treat.  And she went walking a lot with me and the woman who later became my second wife and her dog, as a frequent simple date when she and I would visit and laugh or cry. 

For the last three years she has been living at my dad’s house.  Not because she wasn’t welcome at mine, but since dad has been alone much of that time, he has wanted to keep her there.  So even in her old age (the vet said life expectancy for a dog like her would be 12 years, not 15) she was still doing in important job by serving as companion and guard for my dad.  Although she couldn’t really hear much of anything lately.  And her eyes were getting weak.  And her back has some serious problems.  Though the precipitating cause for putting her down was that she developed an illness that would require surgery risky for a dog her age, and that would probably continue to return even if this was successful.  So instead, after some discussion and thought, I decided to let her go now, while she hasn’t had to suffer long, having had a good and very meaningful life. 

Frankly, I don’t know how I would have made it without her.  And I mean that seriously.  And as I said goodbye, she enjoyed some last special treats and Easter leftovers.  We had a hug and a picture.  And then my heart was filled with gratitude to God for her and my mind was flooded with memories of times together.  Then she was buried in a place that also has special memories in my life.  And when I came home, my son’s dog (who we are dogsitting for a few months or years and who is also nearly as old as mine was) came over and greeted me, nuzzling up to me arm as if she knew we had both lost an old friend.  (Every once in a while back when, those two dogs used to get loose and would go visiting all the neighbors and friends, as well as a little sightseeing in town until I would track them down.  At that point, they would joyfully come running and hop back into the car to go back home.  Good memories.)  And, as you might be able to tell from this blog, I have a soft spot for movies like “Marley and Me,” “Beethoven,” “Old Yeller,” or “Homeward Bound.”  I’ll have to see what the next chapter brings, and whether or not another animal will take the role of my beagle or my Siamese cat, both of which are now gone as is the way of life in this world. 

What is it that brings joy to your life and home?  In what HEALTHY ways do you fill the voids of loneliness?  I once had a young child ask me whether or not there would be dogs in heaven, whether or not their pet would be there to greet them when they grow old and die.  I found some scriptures and gave an answer I won’t share here (all of which was before the movie “All Dogs Go To Heaven” came out.)  So while I won’t say anything about whether dogs go to heaven or not today, I will say this:  a good dog brings a bit of heaven to us here.  At least, mine sure did for me.  And my wife’s did for her as well.  I will never forget how God used something as simple as my beagle to bring me the joy and hope I needed at one of the lowest points of my life.  So much so that had my son and I not come up with our silly game to name her, she would have been named, “Hope.”   Perhaps the same idea could be useful for you, too.  So thank you dear friends who had the foresight to insist I get my puppy.  And thank you, God for sending them and for creating such a delightful animal to share 15 years of my life.  And thank you, my dear little beagle for all the things I will never be able to express or repay.  And thank you, blog reader, for allowing me to share this silly little reflection. 

TL:  sorry, no shortcuts today.

Are you ready for God to resurrect your life?

RESURRECTION:  A PARADIGM FOR POST-DIVORCE

So I received a comments on my facebook page after a recent blog and that led me to writing this blog as we near Easter.  The blog had a catchy title of “Are You Over it Yet?” and if you didn’t read it, you may want to scroll down and do so before finishing this one.  Simply said, many people have very little clue about divorce, believing it is something you should just get over and move on with your life.  Two of the comments mentioned that after a long time married, or after forgiving your ex, there is still a sense that you don’t “get over” it.  I appreciated those comments, because they affirmed the truth of the blog and the book.  I share in the book about a couple of individuals who helped me during my divorce time by pointing out this very fact.  Both of them had been divorced many years before I had known them, and had moved on into full and rich lives, with good marriages and good attitudes.  However, as I struggled with my experience, they encouraged me with the belief that I would get through it and move on, but that one never really gets over a divorce.  And so reading the comments and having those memories I thought, with Easter upon us, the resurrection of Christ can give some good insights into the post divorce process, to go one step further in the discussion of “getting over” a divorce.  

So, back to Easter.  Let’s consider a few key concepts of the resurrection.  In the crucifixion and the events leading up to it, Jesus suffered a great deal of anguish, pain, eventual death  and entombment.  There were plenty around who sought to make sure He stayed dead, even guarding the tomb to prevent a deception.  But on Easter Sunday morning, to everyone’s utter shock and surprise, (or in some cases, their horror and dismay), Jesus came back from the dead in the resurrection, leaving the tomb and grave clothes behind!  This series of events can be a powerful image of what God can do in our lives, even if we go through the experience of divorce.

First, Jesus was tortured, beaten, attacked, mocked, left on His own, and eventually destroyed.  If you've gone through a tough divorce, most of that is something you can relate to in one way or another.  Oh, maybe you didn't die (probably not, you are reading this!), but you sure may have wished you could, and certainly there were things in your life that did:  your marriage, your trust, your love, your hopes…lots of possibilities depending on your experience.  At the very least, life as you knew it died.  And those divorce papers felt like a burial shroud, covering over the years of love, the years of building a life together and the hopes for “happily ever after till death do you part.”  Dead.  And often the next experience is one of cold and empty darkness (hence the cover of the book), much like the cold dark tomb of Christ.  Sure, you may have some around you come with fragrant spices to make things seem better, but death remains death nonetheless.  And there are those who wrap us in grave clothes, stamped with the word “divorced”.  There are those who serve as guards, seeking to make sure we remain in that tomb, some by always identifying us merely as a person “divorced” or who, like our ex perhaps, no longer wants us around at all.  I appreciated Toni’s comment about forgiveness, even though “getting over” the divorce is a different matter…..because isn't that also part of the Easter story?  Did not Jesus on the cross pray God to forgive the people who destroyed Him, too?  And yet that prayer did NOT prevent the death from occurring nor cut short the experience of being laid in a tomb.  Forgiveness IS important, but it doesn't change the fact that you end up divorced…..at least, not most of the time.

But Jesus’ story did not end in the tomb with the people keeping Him locked in.  The power of God cannot be stopped by such trivial human efforts.  Jesus broke free from the grave wrappings, the stone could not withstand the pressure of the glory inside, and Jesus got up from His grave to start life anew, a life of glory and life eternal.  After a divorce, we are faced with choices.  Some people seem to like the tomb….they like getting flowers or spices, they prefer the safety of entombment away from the people outside, and they spend their time dwelling on all the things that got them to the death of their marriage.  But other people stagger out of their tomb, trying to piece together a new life as best they can, always carrying with them the label placed upon them of “divorced” by those who would just as soon they stay in the tomb and not trouble the contented lives of those outside.  And then…

And then there are those who believe in the power of resurrection.  There are those who ask God to do a work in their lives, to put flesh on the dead bones, to tear off the grave clothes and open the tomb so that they can walk into a new life with Christ.  This happens at two levels for us, the first, of course, is when one chooses to give their lives to Jesus to follow Him in life, and thus receive the gift of eternal life with the promise of heaven.  But it also happens when we allow God to invade the cold, dark spaces of our lives like divorce, and ask Him to bring light and life there by His glorious power.  And just as miraculously as Jesus walked forth from the tomb, God can bring forth something powerful and new beyond the death of your marriage.  I know this myself, I have a new wife and completely different opportunities in my life than I ever expected at the time of my divorce.  And some of them are miraculous.  Like the fact that a woman in Zambia…..a country I've never seen, and a woman I've never met….reads these blogs!  And she isn't the only one!  There are lots of names and countries that keep popping up…and I don’t know most of them…but God does, and God is working not only in my life, but in the lives of people He is touching as He works in mine.

But…  There’s always a catch, isn't there?  Well, sort of.  Here is the “catch.”  First, if you read the Easter stories carefully, you will notice that the resurrected Jesus still had the scars in His hands, feet and side.  That is the notion of not “getting over” your divorce.  God can move you on, God can do great things, you can find a new life and a new joy….but the damage was done, there is no denying the scars, the experience of your divorce has changed you.   Jesus’ wounds didn't hurt like they once did.  They didn't bleed as they had on the cross.  But the scars were there, clear reminders of the crucifixion and the price He paid for our sin.  You, too will come out scarred, but remember, scars exist only from wounds that have healed.  Like Christ’s wounds, their impact remains, but healed they no longer have the power to cause you pain as they once did. Oh, the healing takes time, prayer and forgiveness, and the pain may only go away slowly or twinge now and then, but God can redeem your situation and bring new life, allowing you to leave the cold dark times behind.  Which brings us to the other catch.  You have to walk out of the tomb.  If you really want to know the power of God’s resurrection in your life, and beyond your divorce, you have to refuse to stay wrapped in the garments that bind you and break through the dark stone that would hold you back from tomorrow….no matter who or want wants to keep you trapped inside.  Sometimes that entrapment is well-intentioned (or not so well-intentioned) family or friends, sometimes it may be a harassing ex.  Sometimes it can be the bitterness and unforgiveness in your heart, sometimes it can be the unwillingness to let go of the past or turn to the future.  Sometimes it can be the relishing the pain for the comfort others bring while you dwell in self-pity.  There are other things that keep us entombed….you probably already know what they are in your life.

The question is simple:  Are you willing to leave behind the things that entomb you, that you may know the resurrection power of God to bring you new life, new hope, new direction and forgiveness?  The scars may go with you, but you don’t have to sit around picking at the scabs.  Maybe the original question is worded wrong:  maybe it isn't that we “get over” our divorces, maybe it is that we “get past” them…by the power of God.  Hey, Happy Easter, Happy Resurrection Sunday, and, hopefully, Happy Resurrection Life!

TL:dr  Just as the tomb could not hold Jesus, so God’s power can break the power of divorce to hold us back in life from God’s hope and redemption.

Impact the Next Generation!

A chance to voice your thoughts.....

I remember one time sitting down with a mother and her children as she told her kids that she and daddy were getting divorced.  The kids expressions varied because their ages varied, but it is not a sight you want to see.  But it is a sight seen far too many times in our world today.  Professionals always told us that the kids of divorce were resilient and would bounce back, that they would be fine.  Now it is known that resilient or not, divorce of parents impacts the children for the rest of their lives.  Lower school performance, more risk of substance abuse, higher risk of divorce and more.  Might look into that some more another day, but have a couple of thoughts I wanted to share today. 

Dealing with your children when struggling with your ex is tricky at best.  There are so many times you bite your tongue, times you wish you HADN’T bit your tongue, times you know they are being manipulated and times you know they ought to know the truth, but to tell the truth would sound like bashing your ex and end up creating OTHER problems.  Or maybe none of those is your experience……maybe they are the experience of YOUR EX!  Not good.  I don’t suppose there is one of us who has been divorced who hasn't missed a cue here or there, or wondered if what we did or did not do was helpful or not.  Truth is, it is hard to know.  And you may never know.  But there are some things you can know, let’s touch on some of those today, okay?

In one of the recent radio interviews, the interviewer told of a family situation she had seen in which a mother drove her children five hours to a pick up point, even though she had been advised well in advance he would not be able to meet her until a couple of days later!  She used it as a chance to show the kids her dad didn't care about them.  It’s obvious SOMEBODY didn't care about them very much….but I don’t think it was the dad!  At least, not that time. 

I know of other situations where parents have offered to give their children all of the child support money if they would move to their home, parents who have intentionally made arrangements for the children to be away for a special trip on the ex’s Father/Mother’s Days or the child’s birthday, parents who tell the kids all sorts of lies about the other parent, or worst of all, parents who manage to create the same impressions so subtly the kids don’t even know they are being manipulated.  The sad truth of divorce is that all too often, the children get used as weapons, spies or sources of income.  And we wonder WHY there are adverse effects in the lives of the children? (I wonder if they will ever decide to call it child abuse and arrest the offending parent?  Trouble is, how would you know which parent to believe?)

 

Something I think is even more sad is that I have seen children mistreated in these ways but because of confused loyalties or the skilled deception, the children will side with the abusing parent and shut the other parent out of their lives.  The expectation is that when the child grows up he/she will begin to see things from an adult perspective, and realize the truth.  It’s a nice idea… doesn't always happen.  Unfortunately, I have seen that, too.  But I also know times when it does work out.  Again, no way to predict, and that is part of what makes it so hard. 

Well, there is much to discuss in this area, and so think we’ll spread it out over several blogs….although maybe over a period of time.  However, as I put this together, I am working on a couple of things, and would welcome some ideas/feedback in specific ways that I will use in various ways to help address these issues so that maybe some children will be spared the difficulties, and parents learn to be more effective.  I certainly don’t claim to have all this figured out perfectly myself!  Perhaps by sharing some ideas and experiences, together we can help.

So here is what I would like to hear from any of you with first hand experience: 

1)    If you have been a child of divorce, are there things you wish you could tell your parents about what helped or what made it harder?

2)   If you are a parent, are there things you wish you could tell your children that you have avoided lest it create more problems?  Things that you really wish they understood?

3)   If you are either, and have experienced something that really helped or was a good idea, would you be willing to share it?

All names will be kept confidential, and don’t even have to be submitted.  If you are a child from divorce, it might be helpful if you gave your current age range (teens, 20’s, etc).

You can send it as an email to seasonsofdivorce@gmail.com or submit it through the contact form on the website:  findinggoddevotionals.com  Thanks!

TL:dr  Take the time to read it, you might be able to help.

Mary and Martha in a techno savvy world

“Oh, I wish I were an Apple IPad……”

(sung to the tune of "I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Hot Dog."

So have you ever wished you were a computer or a cell phone?  That’s a question that I probably better explain.  And the explanation needs to begin with a word about myself.  I’m not a techno-geek.  I hate doing internet searches.  Friends tell me that I just need to learn how to refine my searches, and that with practice, I’ll gain that skill.  They also tell me coffee is an acquired taste, but if I just don’t like coffee, why would I want to bother to “acquire the taste?”  I don’t like doing those searches.  And I could care less what the latest techno-toy is, or whether my cell phone can take pictures or receive emails.  So that gives you a bit of a notion of where I am coming from.  Except I should add that I do realize the value these things can have.  For instance, I recently learned through email from a friend in Wisconsin that a college friend in Texas just lost his dad, as she had found out on Facebook.  So there are uses.  Okay, so that is the intro that gets you on the same page with me, so here is the story.

 

Was visiting with a friend the other day, and he was telling me about how much time his wife spends on her new iphone with internet social media and games and texting and…..well, you get the idea.  I was reminded of that conversation yesterday when I walked by the grocery store to see a young woman sitting on the bench outside with her nose buried in her cell phone texting away at lightning speed.  Sometimes, if you want to communicate with this kind of person, the only way to do so is by text, facebook, email, twitter, something.  In fact, I have found with the teenage daughter in the house it is easier to get her to answer a text message than to answer the phone if I call…..even though the call would be much quicker! 

My friend was struggling, it seemed, with the amount of time his wife spent on her gadgets, and he was concerned about other things that WEREN’T getting done, and, I suspect she wasn’t spending much time with him.  Now I know that these gadgets isn’t all there is to it.  Like any marriage, there are always issues that arise.  But somehow, I almost got the feeling he wished he were a cell phone or computer, so that she’d pay as much attention to him as she does to that appliance.  It is the same old story that wives have complained about for years concerning their husbands and football, or television, or their jobs.  But, somehow my friend just seemed to be wishing it was him she was spending her time with and holding close, instead of that phone.

I have had moments like that with people in my life.  AND, MORE IMPORTANTLY, I’ve probably created moments like that for them, as well!  When a television show, a football game, a text message, or a facebook posting gets more attention than the family members around you whom you love, you are walking in dangerous territory.  (In fact, if you are reading this and should be out with your kids, or off with your spouse, stop reading now and get over there!)

In Luke 10, there is the story of Mary and Martha, in which Mary is sitting at the feet of Jesus listening to him teach, while Martha is running around in the kitchen making sure there is a good meal as any decent hostess would do.  And Jesus tells Martha that Mary has made a good choice.  Or consider Mark 4’s parable of the Soils, where some of the soil represents people who hear God’s word, but get caught up with all the cares and concerns of living in this world.  In both cases, the point is that there are things in this world that can easily distract us from what is really important, and what is really urgent.  And as I watch technology advance, I think those things that distract are multiplying exponentially! 

What IS important?  Your relationship with God, and your relationship with your family and friends right there with you.  Not that important things don’t happen through technology contacts, but, as I like to say, don’t merely have “virtual relationships,” make sure the “real relationships” with those around you are given the priority they deserve.  Let me give you a quick example to close.  We were at dinner with a friend the other night.   My cell phone rang.  I pulled it out, saw it was not my dad (who could call for emergencies), so silenced it and put it away.  The call could be returned later, our friend who was with us needed my full attention then.  Dad used  say in business, “the customer standing in front of you is more important that the one on the phone who may come in later to buy something.”  Don’t ever let the people you love wish they could be your computer (or tv, or football game or job), because you aren’t paying sufficient attention to them.  The email, text message or blogpost will still be there when you get done spending time with the ones you love.  Sorry to be so longwinded….but I think it is an important issue in today’s relationships.

TL:dr  Healthy priorities means we don’t let technology or life trappings crowd out time with those we love.

Divorce: Is it really a failure?

Launched to Fail

Did you see that movie, “Failure to Launch”?  Where the parents have a son who refuses to grow up enough to move out and live a responsible life?  Well, had a conversation with a friend the other day that perhaps reverses that thought just a bit.  We were talking about divorce, and the sense of failure that is part of the process.  So, is failure the key word, do you think?  And in what ways? 

  

I’d say there is an assumption that first must acknowledged before you can define divorce as a failure.  That assumption is that marriage is to be a lifelong commitment.  Without that, it isn't necessarily a failure.  I remember running across information that some people like Margaret Meade actually thought in life individuals ought to have three marital partners for the different stages of life.  One spouse for the time of life when physical pleasure is primary, another for the child rearing phase of life, and another for companionship in the latter years.  Obviously, a different image than marriage “till death do you part.”  In the Christian tradition, the intention clearly IS “till death do you part.”  And so, the notion of moving from one marriage partner to the next cannot be defined as fulfilling the purpose and ideal of marriage.  Therefore, fail is a word that applies, at least in some senses.  Let’s explore it a bit, might find interesting emerges.

If you believe, as I do, that the intent of marriage is for life, then when you experience divorce, as I have, then, indeed, you have come out of a “failed” marriage.  What marriage was intended to be, what you have vowed and committed yourself to did not materialize…..it failed to fulfill the goal.  But does something failing equate to being a failure?  And if something failed, does that mean the participants failed, or were failures?  Maybe, but maybe not.  At least, in some senses.  My friend felt clearly that failure was an appropriate term.  I have some other thoughts.  And maybe everything isn’t on a pass/fail grading scale…..at least in some sense.   I better explain.

 

If a baseball player gives his very best all season long, maybe even breaking some records along the way, but his team does not win the championship, is he a failure?  Or for that matter, is the team a failure?  While acknowledging that the ultimate goal is to win the championship games, I think most of us would not impute failure to one member of the team, when we are aware it takes more than one person to make that team succeed.  And, we are also aware that sometimes coaches and managers with all honesty will admit that a season wasn't about winning and losing, but experience and growing.  So while it failed to reach the ultimate goal, the season may not have been a complete failure. 

In that analogy, I would suggest that “failed” can be used to describe a marriage ending in divorce, but the term failure probably ought not to be applied wholesale to the individuals involved, nor to the marriage as a whole.  Just as it takes two people to make a marriage work, it also takes two people for it to fail.  Perhaps one is more at fault than another, but neither one should accept the entire blame and responsibility for the divorce.  In addition, the vows failed to come to full goal, but there were certainly things of value that came from the marriage----children, experience, wisdom, growth---things that would mitigate usage of the word “failure” to the marriage as a whole. 

Another place one could use the word, “failed” might be that one failed to select a spouse with whom to be able to spend an entire lifetime.  Although, I still struggle with over using the word fail in these things.  I truly believe that those of us who are divorced think if we knew then what we know now, we might have chosen differently, but we didn’t know it then, and for many of us, we did make the best choice we knew how to make at the time, and did so with prayerful seeking of God’s guidance.  Would you be willing to say that God failed to guide us effectively?  A quick answer many would give is that we simply didn’t listen or discern well enough.  But, could it also not be possible that we did follow appropriately, and that things changed over time, or subsequent choices created an environment in which one or both well intentioned partners no longer was willing to follow through.  That does NOT negate the fact that God originally led you to that person, does it?  I think not.  And maybe God led you to that person for more reasons than just “till death do you part,” (although I still think it is the proper goal and commitment).  So what could be those reasons?

I would suggest that God often uses thing that seem like failure to accomplish his purposes.  Think particularly of Joseph dragged to prison in Egypt, which eventually produced the deliverance of his family from starvation.  Or think of a Messiah killed on a cross in the prime of life and at the height of His ministry.  Apparent failures, but “failures” that were entwined in the plans of God to accomplish God’s great purposes.  Jonas Salk, the developer of the polio vaccine, had done hundreds and hundreds of experiments that did NOT produce a polio vaccine prior to the precious discovery.  I have heard that he was once asked how he felt about all those failed experiments, and his response was that not one was a failure, but that each had taught him something and prepared him for the steps that eventually led to the discovery of the vaccine.  Could it not be that, in the midst of a failed marriage, God managed to teach you things that can make a profound difference, even something that can be turned into phenomenal success?  Don’t we always hear how important it is to learn from our mistakes, to learn from our experiences in life? 

Anyway, you can decide whatever you want about the whole failure/failed verbiage in regard to divorce.  I know that it certainly feels like failure in many, many ways.  But I also know, that God can uses failures to accomplish great things, and my hope is that you and I will allow God to do so in and through our lives. 

TL:dr  Describing divorce as failure misses opportunities for insight

An Oscar...for achievement in the Christian faith

Oscar Time Again……The Envelope Please (drum roll)

 So I heard the Oscars were going to be on.  I was a little disappointed, though, when it turned out they didn't end with Grouch, Madison, De La Renta, or Mayer!  Turned out they were talking about the little trophies movie stars give one another to honor those they believe did the best job, as well as a time to show off obscenely expensive clothing (which is sometimes just obscene), and to receive adulation that borders on idolatry.  (This year, though, some are saying that political correctness was also part of the decision making process, as certain films were neglected that maybe should not have been.  I don’t know, just passing on things I hear and see.) 

Anyway, got to thinking about some of those awards, and made me think of some others.  What if there were such awards given out for achievement in the Christian faith, what kinds of things would we see?  (And let’s acknowledge right up front, there ARE awards going to be given, because God has said that He will…..but the list may not be what even some Christians would expect, at least not based on the highlights in Hebrews 11 or Jesus’ comments about those who THOUGHT they would get the honors but won’t.)

So let’s have some fun, shall we?  The first category could be, “best picture.”  The nominees would have to include things like the image of Noah trying to deal with all those animals in that little bitty boat, the conception of using a giant fish of some sort to transport Jonah from the Tarshish area over to Nineveh (imagine the sunbathers who were watching when the fish spit him out....clearly a comic moment to remember), and the expression on the face of the Babylonian king as he observes Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego walking around in a fiery furnace with an unexpected friend!  However, it seems to me that only God can win best picture, because at the moment of creation, after spinning the stars into space and casting the seas into the oceans, God’s pronouncement was that it was very good.  And all of us who have gazed at the night skies, relished the blossoms of the flowers, enjoyed the shifting hues of the sunrise or sunset skies…..we all know there is nothing that can compare.

Best actor.  Hmmm.  Without mentioning any names, I wonder if this would go to those people we know who pretend to be such great Christians, but really only live selfishly for themselves and don’t really let God change their hearts at all.  Or maybe it ought to go to Satan, who sometimes disguises himself as an angel of light, convincing us that the temptations he offers are really good, and won’t hurt us at all.  He certainly has a lot of takers.  Maybe the best actor could go to Jesus, who took on human flesh, who took on the form of weakness, who accepted the role of victim, even though He was God Almighty and could have stepped out of his circumstances at any moment….even on the cross.  He played the role assigned to Him with perfection….eventually leading to the surprise ending of a grand finale resurrection….one day to be followed by the sequel of a return to earth in power and in glory (release date yet to be announced). 

How about best supporting actor?  That would need to go to people who, like Barnabas and Andrew in the New Testament, give their lives to helping others succeed.  People who feel no need to be in the limelight, people who do not care if anybody notices the good things they do, people whose greatest joy is to see things go well for somebody else.  Maybe it ought to go do the Holy Spirit, because according to John 16, this supporting role is the role of the Spirit.  The work of the Spirit as described there is to glorify Jesus.  Maybe that is the way each of us ought to be pursuing best supporting actor ourselves.  Nope, you know who it would have to be?  The widow that Jesus brags on there in the temple…the one who put two copper coins into the offering, because they were her last two coins….all she had to live on, but she believed supporting the work of God was more important than buying herself some groceries.  I have known folks like that, too.

Best director?  Hands down, that has to be God.  Who else could send a vain guy like Joseph captive into an Egyptian prison so that, years later, he will be able to rule the land and save the family from famine.  Who else could capture a city by sending his army to march around it until the walls fall down?  Who else could take a cast of hundreds of thousands and provide for them as they wander through a desert, or feed thousands with a couple of fish and a few loaves of bread?  Or think of all the ways God has done something in your life that, at the time, you didn’t even realize it was God’s doing.  I think I’ll just give this one to Him, because to make a list would be endless.

Best musical score?  Modern praise music?  Old time hymns?  Handel’s “Messiah”?  I don’t know, the songs of the Psalms are pretty good.  And I really like that choir of Jehoshaphat’s who sang their way into battle.  Deborah, Moses, Miriam, Servant Songs of Isaiah……I think I have to give best musical score to the angels on the night of Jesus birth:  “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth, peace among men of His good pleasure,” in Luke chapter two. 

Well, as I said before, the things God celebrates in Hebrews 11 are not the same things as most people here on earth find so compelling.  But since God is the final judge of it all, it is the envelope He has written into that is the only one that really matters.  Although, my wife showed me something really cool called the Movieguide awards, which seek to support and honor those who make inspirational and uplifting kinds of films that are family friendly and teach good values.  Supposedly, some call them the “Christian Oscars.”  You can google it yourself…..kind of interesting, especially when you discover that those kinds of films actually make the best money, too. 

Enough of all of this.  Personally, I am glad the hooplah is over, and that, if it is your thing, you enjoyed this year’s Oscars.  In Hollywood or here on my blog!  As for myself, I’m still pretty torn between Oscar the Grouch and Oscar Madison.  Will have to let you know how it turns out.

TL:dr  Honoring award winning acts of God and His people, and imagining the Oscars God might give out.