Step Parenting Anyone?

IN-STEP?

Met some new friends recently, another ministry couple.  She has written a book about being a step-mother.  I was telling another friend about it, and that friend immediately commented about step-parenting:  “I can’t even imagine.  How complicated that must be.”  Pretty insightful for somebody who hasn’t done it.  In her book, my friend talks about step-parenting and uses the term “in-step” as she discusses the challenges and finding ways to work them out.  I’m not done with her book yet…just got it over the weekend…but as I have been reading along, it is certainly a trip down memory lane!

Some of you may be saying to yourself, “So,what’s the big deal?”  I suspect that there are not many relationship issues more challenging that step-parenting and family “blending” which, by the way, is kind of a mythic term.  There may be shared parents, and shared space, and healthy relationships, but blending is probably more of a hope than a reality.  But on my dinner plate, various dishes can share the same plate and produce a wonderfully flavorful meal, even though they aren’t all “blended” together!  Sometimes they touch.  Sometimes the gravy spills over into the peas.  And that’s okay.  But I definitely don’t want my peas run through the blender with the mashed potatoes before they get on the plate.   A “blended” might just operate the same way, and that might very well be not such a bad thing.

So what is hard about it?  Well, let me suggest a few possibilities.  For instance, one parent believes in cell phones for the kids safety and has raised her kids that way, the other believes that cell phones are too much of a distraction for children, and they need to wait till they are in high school, and his kids didn’t have them.  The families merge…who changes?  And how do you communicate the values held dear while altering the practice those values had upheld?  A step-mother or step-father may use an expression or behavior that they have always used, even on that is common for their gender.  But in the spouse’s previous marriage, that expression may have been used in an abusive way, so when the child hears or sees it, what kind of impact do you suppose it will have?  And odds are, it was only at that moment the step-parent learned the history behind the difficulty.  There are plenty of times you will be compared to my “real” mom or my “real” dad (bio dad my friend calls them), usually only in scenarios where you come out on the short end of the stick.  Sometimes that is followed by the reminder that, “I don’t have to listen to you, you aren’t my real mom!”  It is always good to remind yourself at that point that God says children are a blessing from Him!

Or, sometimes one of the parents has been single for a while, and the eldest child has taken on extra responsibilities around the house, not quite like an adult, but definitely “momma’s little helper.”  Then, suddenly, there is this other adult now living under the same roof.  While it may be nice to have that step-parent around, the child can feel like their role has changed, and maybe not even be sure they are needed or wanted anymore.  And that new person who has come into the house may be perceived as a threat as they share their mommy with this new person.  Of course, all these things vary significantly with the ages of the children, the length of time the parent was single, the ages of the children (if any) that come with the new step parent, and a multitude of other factors.

And you are juggling all this while Christmas traditions undergo transformation as they alternate between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day year to year, or deal with ex spouses who try to interject themselves inappropriately or are excluded inappropriately.  As you handle these things, the children themselves are possibly juggling two sets of rules in two different houses that might be radically different, trying to negotiate uncertain waters at a tender age.  It may be harder to be a step child than a step parent!

Well, for all of you out there trying to navigate these uncharted waters, there are a few resources here and there.  There are so many variables, I doubt that you will ever find a guidebook with all the right answers.  You simply have to glean what you can, do your best, pray, and remember that the love you have for your spouse should be big enough to extend to your spouse’s children, or it isn’t much of a love commitment.  All we can do, is try to do out best.  Even without step children, we can only do our best when it comes to parenting, too, right?  Step parenting is just parenting…with lots of unexpected booby traps and complications thrown in!

I will let you know about my friend’s book and website later on, as she has been invited to send in a guest blog for you to read.  My friends and I are also talking about putting together some workshops that might offer some encouragement and insights…will have to let you know about that as they develop. 

TL:dr  Being a step parent is NOT an easy undertaking!

Fallen Humanity - and the Grace We Need

Monsters or Men? 

So there are a few names that are popping up a lot in the news these days:  Major Nidal Hasan from the infamous Fort Hood shootings, and Ariel Castro along with his victim Michelle Knight.   When you read the headlines or hear the news, do you ever wonder what is wrong with people these days?  

The headline that really caught my attention was the one that described Ariel Castro as a “monster”.  In his statement, Castro described himself as sick, and denied culpability for his disgusting behaviors.  And Hasan seems to have no regrets for the lives he has taken or the injuries he has inflicted.  Are these mere flukes of a society gone awry?  Or is there something more?  Contrast those two individuals with Ms. Knight who has responded in extremely difficult circumstances with dignity, grace and even forgiveness, while acknowledging that the evil she and her comrades experienced at the hands of Castro must be punished.  How can people be SO different from one another?

There are those who describe Castro, a twisted fluke of nature.  I would argue that he demonstrates the reality of human nature at its worst.  On a recent flight back from Phoenix, I happened to visit with a young woman from Europe, who had moved there some years ago from Iraq, and still apparently has family and friends in Iraq.  In the course of our discussion, she commented that Christians were now being killed in Iraq in frightening numbers, and she started to describe what was happening, but then stopped herself and said, “No, I won’t tell you how they are killing them.  It is just too awful.”  Too awful for words.  

Some years ago I was in Mexico City, and visiting with some refugees from El Salvador primarily, and as I listened to their stories, I was impacted by the kinds of atrocities being done by one group of humans to another down there.  I, too, heard things I will not describe to you, but I will mention that one individual said his family had all been “machine gunned” at the dad’s law office, and their bodies tossed over a cliff along with thousands of others.  He said his relatives (nor those of other victims) could not go retrieve the bodies for burial, because if they did try to claim a body, they would be “machine gunned” as well, and join their family members in the pit. 

I just returned from another trip to Arizona, and happened to stop in one of the wild west towns of New Mexico.  In that community, there was a news report back in the 1800’s, that it had been an unusual week, because nobody had been shot there.  So what we are hearing is nothing new.  In fact, you can go back throughout history and find incredibly awful things people have done to others, sometimes in the name of country, sometimes in the name of religion (sadly, including Christianity), and sometimes just out of pure greed or power hunger.  Some of the ways the ancient Assyrians treated their captives would turn your stomach…they were ruthless and evil. 

On the other hand, you can go back through history and find individuals whose deeds are more reflective of Ms. Knight, individuals whose behavior was exemplary, and who inspire us to greater things.  In my studies of the rabbinic teachings, they explain that every individual is born with the “inclination to good’ and the “inclination to evil,” and that the goal of life is to follow the good inclination, and hopefully have the scales tipped in that direction upon one’s return to our Maker.  

Christian teaching differs, though, from that concept.  While we would agree that there are the two directions pulling at us and beckoning us to deeds of good or evil, we also agree with Paul that though we might DESIRE to do good, the reality is that we all end up doing things that are evil, or at least fall short of the perfection of God, despite our best intentions.  That is due to the power of sin in our world and in our lives, resulting from the Fall by which all humanity is tainted.  Both Romans and Psalms, which it quotes, acknowledge that there are none righteous, but that all have gone astray.  What we see in Castro is the manifestation of that unrighteousness with, apparently, nothing to hold it in check. 

What we see in Hassan (and I would argue we have seen many times by people doing evil deeds in the name of whatever religion, including Christianity), is the deception we often experience, in which Satan appears as an “angel of light” leading us into deeds which in our deception we THINK are pleasing to God, but are actually the trickery of Satan to lead us to evil.   It is easy for us to sit and look at these kind of people, and acknowledge how awful they are, but believe we are not like them.  And most of us aren’t, at least in some ways.  I have never shot anybody, let alone attacked a whole fort full of soldiers who were my comrades in arms.  I have never kidnapped and held captive young girls, and abused them as Castro is charged with doing.  And probably you haven’t either.  But I know there are things I have done that I shouldn’t have, and later regretted.  I know that are things I wish I had done, but turned away from in selfishness or lack of compassion.  I bet you could name some of those kinds of things in your own life, as well. 

Sin may not find expression in the same form in our lives as it did in Hassan or Castro.  But it has found expression in ways that fits US, sadly enough.  It is for this reason God’s call to us is to repent, to turn away from those things, and to turn to Him for forgiveness and help in conquering the evils of our lives.  We may not have done what those two individuals did, but we also have not been everything God designed us to be, or fulfilled the highest standards he has established.  Which is why I find it so interesting when church folks want to condemn divorced individuals as terrible sinners worse than themselves.  I don’t know about you, but I am utterly dependent on and thankful for the mercy and grace God extends to us through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Without it, who knows which of us could have been the next Hassan or Castro?  As the old saying puts it:  “but for the grace of God, there go I.”

TL:dr  Castro and Hassan evidence for us the fallen nature of humanity, and our desperate need for the forgiveness of Christ.

4th of July and Freedom: Has it changed your life?

Free At Last…

  

This is the time we celebrate Independence Day here in the United States, but it is more than a celebration about gaining independence from England so many years ago, it has become the day we also celebrate freedom itself.  Freedom of speech (at least, most of the time), freedom to choose where we live, what careers we choose, freedom to travel, freedom to move to a new location…freedom to decide for ourselves in every area of our lives.  Of course, all freedom also comes with responsibilities, and is preserved at a price, preserved with diligence.   We are free, but not free to kill another person, at least, not without suffering the consequences.  Because freedom is not the same as anarchy.  Each generation has the obligation to preserve the freedom we enjoy in order to pass it on to future generations, and those of us celebrating freedom today owe a great debt to the countless individuals from the past who, sometimes at great personal cost, protected the freedom we have inherited.

Divorce brings a great deal of devastation in its wake, but for some, it can also mean freedom:  freedom from the beatings and abuse one has suffered, freedom to express oneself without being put down or ridiculed by an emotionally abusive spouse, freedom to change life directions with a new career path or a new location.  The losses created in divorce are, to some degree, counterbalanced by the freedom to pursue God’s calling and gifts in your life. In some cases, divorce allows themselves free to finally worship and serve God the way they always wanted to, but had been constrained by an unbelieving spouse.  But again, freedom comes with responsibility.  Paul tells us in Galatians 5:13 that we are not to use our freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but to serve one another in love.  The temptation to abuse freedom often overwhelms individuals who are divorced, sometimes cutting loose in inappropriate and unhealthy ways that lead to new heartaches, destruction and alienation from God.  I wonder, for those of you who have been divorced, if you have been wise in using your freedom in ways that draws you closer to God and brings honor to him. 

But most of all, true freedom has to do with the freedom that is given to us by Christ as we are delivered from the tyranny of sin in our lives through forgiveness, justification and redemption.  Sin enslaves those caught in it, even though they may declare they can quit at any time, or that they aren't doing their sins because they have to, but because they choose to do these things for their own gratification.  But in their case, the truth is, freedom has been sold to the mastery of sin and they are deceived as to the direction it is leading them.  There is ALWAYS a price to pay, sin is never free.  But freedom in Christ means being free from the power and penalty of sin to be free to be all God has created and desired us to be. 

Well, as you observe or participate in the celebration of freedom this 4^th of July, take time to cherish the freedoms you have, to pray for those whose lives and countries have constrained the freedom of their citizens, and to examine whether you are using you’re the freedom Christ offers to live your live in a manner that pleases God and to revel in the joy life with God can bring. 

TL:dr: Fourth of July freedom is experienced by divorced individuals in a whole different manner. 

Top Ten Action Tips for Getting Along with Your Ex!

THE TROUBLESOME EX—PART TWO   

TOP TEN ACTION TIPS

a.k.a.

Sending Ricin to Blackmail Hubby Won't Solve Your Problems!

So have you heard about the Texas actress, Shannon Guess Richardson, in Texas who was arrested after sending a ricin-laced letter to the president?  Turns out she and hubby are divorcing, and she was trying to set him up and make him look bad.  Guess she wasn't a very believable actress, huh?  OBVIOUSLY, she didn't read my last post…although, I posted after the letters had been sent.  If she had read and heeded the advice, she wouldn't be in jail now.  A news commentator asked if she was crazy or something, and the answer, of course, is YES!  The emotional upheavals of divorce can make you do crazy things!   So that, combined with the fact that one of my readers, Jason Ratner, made some specific responses/suggestions, caused me to reconsider putting together a list not about the emotional and internal responses of dealing with your ex, but a few practical interactive tips for those times when you are negotiating or trying to get on top of that difficult relationship. 

1)           In all your communications, stick to specific issues dispassionately…don’t chase rabbits or explanations and go into long self defenses.

2)          A friend’s wise advice to me was to put things into a win-win situation, where I sought what I needed by also offering what my ex needed in exchange.  (Having a good support group of wise friends can be very helpful!)

3)          Document everything…time of meeting, topic discussed, inappropriate actions suffered, keep hard copies or duplicate files of every email sent and received or text messages, and, if possible, also every voice mail.  In addition, you should document agreements not kept and court orders not honored.  Make copies of any checks written/received and consider registered mail for items sent.

4)          Develop a tough skin, don’t let the person get to you…they know your buttons and will push them.  Time to rewire!  Remain calm and direct, save your venting for afterwards with a friend or out in the wilderness where you can shout or cry to your heart’s content.

5)          Be clear, firm and insistent on specifics, in a timely fashion.  For instance, let her know several weeks ahead that you expect to be with the children on Father’s Day/Mother's Day and will pick them up at a certain time.  If there are objections, sometimes a simple, “nonetheless, I expect to pick them up at that time,” can go a long way. 

6)          Sometimes a copy of the court orders can be helpful.  In the scenario just mentioned, you can send a copy of the relevant documentation with the appropriate passage highlighted.

7)          When the other person responds well, express appreciation, and even find a way to reciprocate to help reinforce the kind of relationship you are seeking to develop.

8)          When the other person makes demands that ARE within appropriate bounds, respond in a positive way, such as, “yes, of course you can pick the children up at 7:00…it is important for the kids to have time with you, too.”

9)          In cases of high emotions, it may be best to set boundaries in terms of communications, sticking only to letters, emails and voice mails rather than direct interactions, lest you fuel the emotional firestorm between you.

10)       With a particularly abusive or invasive ex, it is a good idea to always arrange any necessary meetings or child drop offs at neutral locations, and bring a witness with you….they may be less likely to cause problems publicly.

And if nothing else works, there do seem to be some extreme cases, in which you may need to move to another town and simply start a new life as the only way to be away from the issues of dealing with your ex as often as you do.  Bottom line, it just is NOT an easy thing to deal with, and each situation is different.  Pick up tips from others who have dealt with it in the past, and hang on…for this, too, will pass!

Top Ten Tips For Coping with a Troublesome Ex

AH, THAT TROUBLESOME EX!!

In a conversation with a woman the other day, she indicated that she had been divorced a long time, and what she needed was my next book.  When I told her it was at the publishers, and explained some of the topics in it, like hope and rebuilding, she told me that what she needed was a book specifically about how to deal with a troublesome ex.  Don’t know that I care to write a book like that (although it IS discussed in places in both volumes), but thought I could at least throw some thoughts into the blog, because I bet she isn’t the only one, right?

I have heard and had lots of ideas in this area.  Sometimes it seems like a better legal arrangement ought to be that when a couple divorces, one HAS to move to another country.  Some folks actually say they are better friends AFTER their divorce than they were during their marriage!  Other individuals think in terms of acquiring hit men.  I don’t know that I will have all the answers, in fact, I can guarantee you by experience that I do NOT.  But I can throw out some thoughts that might be helpful.  And I think I will put most of it in a top ten list format, with a few preliminary comments.

The comments are simple.  First, it is what it is…divorce is messy, and you just have to deal with the realities it creates the best way you can.  You may think it would be easier to not have your ex involved with your children’s lives, and you may be right.  However, I have known several where that is the case, and those parents were heartbroken at the pain their children experienced with the absent parent, so it is a mixed blessing at best.  Dealing with an ex is, of course, the most difficult when the children are minors and the resulting entanglements ongoing, so if you are in that situation, realize that it will reduce as the children mature. 

The other thing I would highlight is that dealing with an ex is, unfortunately, a good test of your faith and commitment to the Lord.  There are so many scriptures that apply which seem so good in theory, but you get to learn they are not so easy to put into practice.  If you are struggling with an ex, I encourage you especially to read the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5, 6 and 7 where topics are addressed such as forgiveness (6:14), being treated poorly (5:11-12), revenge (5:38-40), responding to evildoers (5:44, 7:12) and focusing on your own actions (7:1-5).   You learn how hard Paul’s advice is to never return evil for evil, but good instead (Romans 12), and as you grow in your understanding of God’s love for us and through us, understand the depth of living out God’s love as described in 1 Corinthians 13.  Perhaps reading something like Corrie ten Boom’s book, The Hiding Place can help you as you struggle with injustice.

With that as my introduction, how about the top ten suggestions:

1)  Technically, you should probably feel complimented…after all, it means you and your life are so much more interesting than your ex’s that he/she simply won’t move on!

2)  Don’t let yourself sink to their level or become hard and bitter.  A friend of mine once said that the trouble with getting into a spitting match with a skunk is you both end up smelling like skunks.  Just stick to the facts, avoid counterattacks and unnecessary       explanations and defensiveness.

3)    Set appropriate boundaries, and don’t be afraid to stand up for them.  Enabling poor behavior benefits no one.  Sometimes you can state or write your desires in a clear and non-confrontational manner with good results, but not always. 

4)  Pray for them!  Maybe not the prayers you FEEL like praying, but prayers you can imagine Jesus praying.  Prayers like, “God, help him/her submit to You. Help her/him realize how what they do affects the kids.”

5)  The Golden Rule (Matthew 7:12) is a good guide to use….treat others (your ex) the way you want them to treat you.  (Not how they ARE treating you, but the way you WANT them to treat you.)  You are setting an example, maybe they will pick up on it (but I wouldn't bet on it if I were you).  More importantly set an example for your children or others who are watching you as an example of a person of faith.  

6)  If worst comes to worst, you COULD go back to court to seek some assistance, if you can afford it.  If the ex doesn't

 make court ordered payments or schedules, or if     there is continual harassment, there are possible legal courses of action such as contempt of court charges or restraining orders. The trouble often is, though, that     even though you may be able to obtain court decrees, enforcement is often another matter.  Ultimately,there will be the court of heaven and the judgment there will be inescapable. 

7)  Return good for evil (Romans 12:14-21).  Even if your ex shortchanges you financially, or robs you of time with your children on their birthday or Father’s/Mother’s     Day, YOU still seek to do what is right, what is good, what OUGHT to be done. You will be able to look yourself in the mirror when you are doing your best to live pleasing to God, even if others are not. 

8)  If you have children, always remember this is their father or mother.  If nothing else, your ex gave you these children you love.  AND, the ex remains their father or mother, and so don’t do things that undermine that reality.  Try to be careful what you say or do in front of them.

9)  Perhaps most of all, when dealing with that troublesome  ex, you can be thankful that at least you don’t have to deal with him/her all the time, since you no longer    share a home.  After the divorce, though an ex can create a great deal of stress and havoc, you still can go home to your own space and your own friends without him/her around. 

10)  Notice:  none of these are really about that troublesome ex….because you often have no useful influence over that person.  All you control are YOUR behaviors and          attitudes, you don’t control theirs.  Remember, if the two of you got along well, holding the same values and priorities, you probably would still be married….it’s because you DON’T that you are now dealing with them as an EX…don’t expect them to adopt your point of view NOW!  The good news is, you also will only have to answer for your own choices…they will have to answer for theirs. 

Well, there’s a list.  Maybe it will help.  At least it can offer some food for thought. 

TL:dr  Dealing with an ex can be very difficult, but tips about the kind of person you are and how you respond can make a difference.  

Tapping into the Strength of God in Difficult Circumstances

 Where Do You Get Strength to Endure?

(Note:  I write this specifically of divorce, but many of the things I describe apply to life situations such as a loss of job, death of a loved one or facing any of a multitude of life’s extreme difficulties, so feel free to apply the principles to whatever challenges YOU face.)

I had someone ask a question recently that, as time as passed, I realize is actually a pretty good question.  To get to the point of the article (and the title), you are going to have to bear with a bit of explanation first.  The individual was discussing my book, Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce, and asked me why I decided to write it as a devotional book.  In case you haven’t seen it yet, Finding God is laid out as a daily devotional, with scripture readings and special readings for holidays, and the devotionals are divided into four “seasons” related to the divorce experience.   The first volume has Autumn and Winter, when things are falling apart and look very bleak in the process of divorce, and the second volume (at the publishers now) is Spring and Summer, when hope starts to come back and you start to discover how to live your life in this new reality.  The devotional has scriptures from almost every book in the Bible, the topics cover everything from dealing with attorneys to depression to finances to children’s schedules….all the stuff that goes with divorce.  So the individual actually had looked over a copy of the book, and yet asked why I wrote in devotional format.  I realize there is actually an important answer or two to that, and those answers could also be helpful for lots of other areas of our lives, so I will share the answers as my stepping stone into today’s topic.

My first answer was that it was, in part, because I like devotional books myself, and am kind of a devotional junkie.  Then I added something about how so much of the supporting help out there is in the form of a once a week setting, and you are left on your own the rest of the week.  And I think I mentioned that Christians often face not only the feelings of stress and failure in the divorce, but also can find ostracism from other Christians and maybe even wonder if God still cares.  As a result, many divorcing Christians end up leaving their church, and some even abandon God.  And so the purpose of the book is to provide something that can walk with the person day by day as they go through the struggle, and help them discover the scriptures that assure them of God’s role in their lives, hopefully helping them keep on track.  But the core answer to the question is actually none of those things, and yet all of those things.  The core answer is this:  Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce is written in devotional book format because divorce is a tough and confusing experience, sometimes even devastating, and is thus the perfect time to learn how to experience God’s help and guidance and an important time to lean on God.  In fact, I believe it is critical that we build that connection, because the temptations and the choices are many, while the process is emotionally and physically draining, that it can really lead a person to do very foolish or destructive things.  It is a critical time to make the wisest choices possible, realizing, of course that we all make mistakes as we struggle.

So my belief and purpose in this regard is to provide some reflections that can help readers tap into the resource that God is in our lives.  Many places in the Bible God invites us to come before Him to find strength and help, to look to Him for guidance and correction, to know that God is with us in all the trials of life and desires we look to Him for the meeting of ours life’s needs, to let Him be a refuge and protector for us, to confess our shortcomings and sins that we may know His forgiveness and mercy…and every one of those concerns are often desperately needed by individuals wrestling with divorce…especially those whose divorce is a result of an abandoning spouse.  In some cases, the situation can become so overwhelming as to create despair and the episodes of suicide and rage we so often tragically see in the news.  God can help us navigate the treacherous waters that dash against our lives, and keep us from crashing against the rocks.  But we must trust.  And we must be open to God’s voice.  And we must be diligent to seek Him.

Too many times I have known of individuals who end up divorced (whether their choice or not) and lose their faith in God.  They may even turn away from the church, (and quite possibly turned away from the church) and some who even abandon the ministry to which they were called.  I have personally known and seen good church and Christian leaders end up knocked so off balance that they fall away or fall apart in bitterness, disappointment or depression.  Many question the place of God in the midst of their turmoil.  And though many find their way back into church…often a different church…many do not. 

I believe the best prevention, the best restoration, the best source of strength and wisdom in the midst of this upheaval is tapping into the help of God.  To do so requires our attention to what God has taught, it requires time before Him, and it helps to hear the encouragements of others who have faced similar struggles.  Many of the scriptures in my devotionals are scriptures God used to give me strength when I  was the one who so desperately needed it.  I include passages that have offered me hope when I felt no hope, or called me to see beyond the circumstances to the God who dwells above the circumstances and can carry us through them.  The writings I have included are not so much to tell the reader how to think or explain everything I have learned about God, as they are to help the readers who are searching for their own answers and want some outside perspective to help guide their search.  I believe God’s heart is broken each time a marriage falls apart, but then breaks even further when the divorcing person allows the experience to turn him/her AWAY from God instead of TOWARD Him.  God has much to offer those who struggle, as scriptures describe God as being near the brokenhearted, the outcast, the weak, the fearful.  I want to encourage each reader to let God speak to you in the hard times of your life.  And my hope is that my book or my writings can help you experience His touch in some particular way that may be the very way God seeks to touch your life just now.  Your own strength can only carry you so far.  God’s strength in us will carry us through to victory!

TL:dr: Let the strength of God be your source for the endurance of your difficulties.  

Divorce and the Graduate

What’s the Worst Thing About Divorce?

Somebody actually asked me that question one time.  Do you want to guess what my answer was?  I simply said, “Everything.”   I was reminded of that the other night, after having attended the graduation of one of my step-children.  Being the last child to graduate, there was an awareness of the end of an era, the end of court ordered schedule and financial negotiations.  At yet, in the attending, there was the awareness of so many opportunities missed as time was spent with the other parent, and the awkwardness that arises as each seeks to find a niche for themselves without intruding or being intruded upon by the other parent.  Even something as simple and significant as a high school graduation is impacted by the complications and emotional upheavals of divorce and court battles.  And impacted even more than a decade since the divorce of her parents.  And there will be difficult things to handle for many, many years to come.  You remember the fairy tales of childhood, where the prince and the girl meet, marry and live happily ever after?  That is such an artificial myth, isn't it?  But people who believe you go to court and get the divorce, then life happily divorced ever after are also believing an untrue myth.  Those who believe divorce is some easy solution, or that you go to court and get the decree and then it is over, are sadly mistaken.  Tragically mistaken.  Irreversibly mistaken. 

Having said that, though, I do want to acknowledge that there are many who have suffered terrible abuses in their marriages:  physical, emotional, verbal or sexual abuse.  For those people, divorce does set up opportunity to at least minimize some of those things.  But even then, a spouse who treated you poorly will become an ex-spouse who treats you even more poorly, just with less opportunity and from a greater distance.  Many of us can relate to that truth.  The complications of divorce are so many and so sad.  In my books, there are special sections that recognize this fact, that Christmas, your birthday, or the child’s graduation are all impacted and complicated for many years to come by the fact of divorce.  At the very least, these events bring bittersweet moments in which memories of past celebrations or emotions of lost opportunities bubble to the surface.  And, of course, there are those of us who experience the garbage of individuals intentionally seeking to make things difficult or to be intrusive. 

Today, I would like to simply raise a thought with you in regard to this.  Divorce cuts a wide swath of devastation and loss in our lives, and the scars upon our hearts can take a long time to heal over.  Yet it is a kind of devastation that is very difficult for others to understand, even if you try to explain it to them, it remains beyond comprehension.  (Which, by the way, is why my little book is helpful for people going through divorce, it speaks from within the shared experience as it points a way for connecting with God.)  AND YET…

And yet, everybody has things in their life that are hard.  Being divorced, it is easy to think that life could be so much easier if you didn't have to deal with all the resulting garbage.  And it would be nice not to have to deal with all that.  But even if you didn't deal with that, there would still be junk.  Finances could still be tight.  Your job could still be stressful.  Your child could still be having problems at school.  It is an artificial unreality that we create when we allow ourselves to be so bogged down with the extremely frustrating hassles of divorced life that we begin to believe it would be so much rosier if it hadn't happened.  In some ways that is true, but those other roses have thorns, too.  If you are struggling, it might be wise to recall that.  Just thought I’d pass it along. 

TL:dr  Divorced life is difficult and complicated….but life without divorce is, too.

The Destruction in Moore reminds me of divorce because...

Can You Believe the Devastation?

I grew up in the Midwest.  I have heard lots of tornado warning sirens through the years.  I have seen the aftermath of tornadoes up close.  But I have never actually seen a tornado, except one in the sky a few miles off, that hadn't quite touched down yet and was heading elsewhere.  One of the daughters told a story about a time she was at school in North Carolina under a tornado watch, and they were going around telling everybody they had to go to the basement.  She looked out the window and replied, “I’m not going to the basement yet.  This is the time back home when we go outside to see if we can see any forming.”  And she is right.  I remember several times walking the sidewalk out front with her searching the skies to see if we could locate any possible tornado clouds.  But we never did, except the one I mentioned above.  And that is just as well, actually…they are not something one really wants to see up close…not like those folks in Oklahoma this week.  I do think it would be exciting to be a storm chaser/spotter, though.  Maybe someday.

Our hearts surely go out to those folks picking up the pieces of their lives.  I have seen first hand what it looks like right afterwards, and have helped gather pieces of people’s lives.  The folks in Moore have their work cut out for them.  And from the interviews I have heard, have a great attitude that will help them through; and they seem so appreciative of any help that is offered, as I’m sure many of us will. 

Every time I see the destruction of a tornado, it also makes me think of divorce.  I am struck by the parallels between the visible devastation of a tornado and the invisible devastation of a divorce.  All those people displaced from their homes…by a tornado or by the papers filed at court.  As people emerge from the tornado shelters, they look around and feel like their lives have just been shattered, just as many do who walk out of court with a divorce decree in hand.  As I look at the tornado’s path, I see all those memories, mementos and possessions scattered far and wide, many never to be recovered.  Possessions and mementos are lost in divorce, as well, sometimes in the possession of the ex, sometimes lost in the upheaval of hurried packing, sometimes destroyed by an angry spouse.  The people in Moore are being asked what they will do, where they will go, whether they will rebuild there in Moore.  The same questions every divorced person asks inside.  The same decisions have to be made, albeit without the help of insurance coverage or disaster relief assistance.  Most of the people interviewed in Oklahoma indicated they would rebuild their homes, start again.  But it will never be the same when rebuilt.  The doorpost that has the children’s height marked on it won’t be in the new home, the old familiar walls are gone forever.  After a divorce, one has to start rebuilding as well, rebuilding a life, maybe a career, probably rebuilding their ability to trust, definitely rebuilding a future.   And many things are lost forever, never to be the same again.  People will gather round to support and help the tornado victims in Moore.  Sometimes people do the same for victims of divorce, but not often enough.  I was very blessed with caring people during my rebuilding process, but many go through that pain all alone.

If you have been divorced, I am telling you nothing new.  If you have not, I invite you to view the pictures of Oklahoma with a double perspective.  See the people and destruction there on the ground, but then also recognize that similar destruction has come to the one you know who is divorcing or divorced.  As your heart feels with sadness for the loss the tornado victims have suffered, and you experience compassion as you seek to find a way to help, let some of that sadness spill over to those whose marriages have died, and your compassion cause you to consider that they, too, might need your encouragement and help. 

Would I rather have gone through a tornado or a divorce?  I’m not sure, especially now that I am years down the road in a new marriage I find very fulfilling.  But if I was in a situation where I had a choice, I wonder if I might not have chosen to experience a tornado over a divorce.  Because during my divorce I recall saying to a friend as I was sorting out household possessions, “It’s just stuff.  What really matters most to me has already been destroyed.”  And yet, as my new marriage proves, just as those folks in Moore will rebuild and move on, so it is possible after a divorce to rebuild a meaningful life and move on into something good.  But both require a lot of faith and a lot of work.

TL:dr  There are significant parallels between the destruction of a tornado and the destruction of a divorce.

Acknowledge What Is... and Then Let Go!

What’s Wrong With Me?

I am probably one of the few males in the world who really does like the old movie, “When Harry Met Sally.”  If you have seen it, you may remember the scene where Meg Ryan’s character finds out her boyfriend got engaged to somebody else, and she cries out that it wasn't that he didn't want to get married, it was that he didn't want to marry her, struggling with what is wrong with her that nobody wanted to marry her.  That is an emotion lots of people feel in one way or another during or after a divorce. 

What is wrong with me? 

That can be experienced lot so of different ways.  What’s wrong with me that he/she left me for another?  What’s wrong with me that I treated him/her so badly?  What’s wrong with me that I didn't learn my lesson and work harder to make the marriage good?  What’s wrong with me that he/she didn't want to live with me anymore?  What’s wrong with me that I couldn't see this coming?  What’s wrong with me that I couldn't make it all work out?  What’s wrong with me that makes me so unlovable?  What’s wrong with me that I didn't make the changes I should and so drove him/her away? What’s wrong with me that I chose to marry somebody like that in the first place?  As I look around at all the happy couples who have good marriages and love one another and manage to keep theirs going so well, what’s wrong with me?

Maybe I could offer a few possible responses that might be helpful, if you have ever felt that way (whether you are divorced or not!).  Let me illustrate first from a wedding I recently performed.  At the front of the sanctuary, as the ceremony was proceeding and it was my turn to share some thoughts for the beaming couple in front of me, I told the groom I had some bad news for him.  I explained that this woman he loved and was about to marry was, indeed, NOT PERFECT.  She had issues, struggles, shortcomings….she just was NOT a perfect person.  But then I reminded them that HE wasn't perfect either!  Marriage is the joining together of two imperfect people, with radically difference perceptions (remember, she is from Venus while He is from Mars!) to go build a home in an imperfect world.  So, part of what is wrong with you, or with me, or your ex is that none of us is perfect or were married to a perfect person, and that combination of imperfection can sometimes turn very sour.  This imperfection, by the way, is what the scripture refers to as our sinful nature, the fallen state not only of humanity but of the world system damaged by sin that leaves creation groaning for redemption, says Paul in Romans.

Secondly, maybe the breakup with your spouse isn't so much about what is wrong with YOU, as it is what is wrong with your EX!  I know some individuals who were abandoned by their spouses and left us all wondering, “WHAT was he/she thinking?  This was a GREAT person left behind!”  Or, maybe you beat yourself up asking why you couldn't have chosen more wisely in the first place.  There is truth in the old saying that love is blind, and so sometimes we cannot or will not see things that might have warned us.  But sometimes we made choices the best we knew how at the time, even under the guidance of God, and then life happens.  We just need to give ourselves a bit of credit that we did the best we could given the knowledge we had at the time, and reality is that we didn't

 know then what we know now, and that makes all the difference.

Finally, you can waste a lot of time trying to figure it all out, all to no purpose.  Sure, if you can identify things you could do differently in your life, or ways you can grow, or things for which you need to forgive your ex…these things are all helpful when looking back and asking where you have failed.  But to be able to identify the 30% that came from your issues and the 70% that came from your ex’s (or vice versa) really accomplishes nothing usable.  Truth is we each contribute to the successes and failures of our marriages, and we always have the opportunity to become more than what we are, to become more of what God desires us to be, and these are really the only useful purpose of asking what is wrong with us.  And I believe it is also useful to acknowledge that there are some things we cannot change on our own.  We need the alcoholic support group, we need the encouragement of friends, we need the help of our doctor or counselor, and most of all, we need God’s Spirit to guide, forgive and strengthen the things in our life that will create the futures that could possibly be. 

So what’s wrong with you?  Oh, probably lots of things.  And lots of things are wrong with me, too.  But neither of us is stuck there.  And it is the same boat that all of us are in.  So acknowledge what is, and then let it go.  Limit the time your rehash the past so that you will have the energy to build the future.

TL:dr  We can obsess over what we did wrong, or we can focus on the things we could possibly do RIGHT in days ahead. 

                        

Yep! Even Divorced Dad's can benefit from tips for Mother's Day!

Top Ten Mother’s Day Tips for Newly Divorced FATHERS!

1)    Be a stand up guy….do what you KNOW is right to help your kids honor their mother…time, money, shopping trips, card making, whatever.  (Regardless of what SHE does for Father’s Day.)

2)   Tell your kids that she is their mom and will always be their mom…to them and also to YOU.

3)   You may need to help the kids know sizes, tastes or with some cash and cards. 

4)   You may not expect it, but it might be a rough day without your wife...allow for that in your plans.

5)   Without your wife, you now have opportunity to spend all your time and energy on your own mother, if she is living.  Don’t waste it.  And let her know that her baby (you) are going to be okay.

6)   Speaking of your mother, remember she may be sorrowing over the effects of the divorce on her time with the grandchildren…and Mother’s Day may highlight that for her.  Help your kids make that up for her.

7)   Mother’s Day can raise the specter of all that you have lost in the divorce and renew feelings of anger and hurt.  But remember, your precious children from that marriage are WHY you are celebrating today.

8)   If this is your first post divorce Mother’s Day, and your church makes a point to honor mothers, it may be a good day to go fishing instead (but you didn't hear it from me, okay?)

9)   If you had a decent relationship with your ex-mother-in-law, consider sending a card to her as well.  But don’t do it if you've been mean to your ex!  At least, not without an apology.

10) Remember: by still teaching your kids to respect and honor their mother, you are also teaching them to respect and honor the step-mother you may one day marry!