Acknowledge What Is... and Then Let Go!

What’s Wrong With Me?

I am probably one of the few males in the world who really does like the old movie, “When Harry Met Sally.”  If you have seen it, you may remember the scene where Meg Ryan’s character finds out her boyfriend got engaged to somebody else, and she cries out that it wasn't that he didn't want to get married, it was that he didn't want to marry her, struggling with what is wrong with her that nobody wanted to marry her.  That is an emotion lots of people feel in one way or another during or after a divorce. 

What is wrong with me? 

That can be experienced lot so of different ways.  What’s wrong with me that he/she left me for another?  What’s wrong with me that I treated him/her so badly?  What’s wrong with me that I didn't learn my lesson and work harder to make the marriage good?  What’s wrong with me that he/she didn't want to live with me anymore?  What’s wrong with me that I couldn't see this coming?  What’s wrong with me that I couldn't make it all work out?  What’s wrong with me that makes me so unlovable?  What’s wrong with me that I didn't make the changes I should and so drove him/her away? What’s wrong with me that I chose to marry somebody like that in the first place?  As I look around at all the happy couples who have good marriages and love one another and manage to keep theirs going so well, what’s wrong with me?

Maybe I could offer a few possible responses that might be helpful, if you have ever felt that way (whether you are divorced or not!).  Let me illustrate first from a wedding I recently performed.  At the front of the sanctuary, as the ceremony was proceeding and it was my turn to share some thoughts for the beaming couple in front of me, I told the groom I had some bad news for him.  I explained that this woman he loved and was about to marry was, indeed, NOT PERFECT.  She had issues, struggles, shortcomings….she just was NOT a perfect person.  But then I reminded them that HE wasn't perfect either!  Marriage is the joining together of two imperfect people, with radically difference perceptions (remember, she is from Venus while He is from Mars!) to go build a home in an imperfect world.  So, part of what is wrong with you, or with me, or your ex is that none of us is perfect or were married to a perfect person, and that combination of imperfection can sometimes turn very sour.  This imperfection, by the way, is what the scripture refers to as our sinful nature, the fallen state not only of humanity but of the world system damaged by sin that leaves creation groaning for redemption, says Paul in Romans.

Secondly, maybe the breakup with your spouse isn't so much about what is wrong with YOU, as it is what is wrong with your EX!  I know some individuals who were abandoned by their spouses and left us all wondering, “WHAT was he/she thinking?  This was a GREAT person left behind!”  Or, maybe you beat yourself up asking why you couldn't have chosen more wisely in the first place.  There is truth in the old saying that love is blind, and so sometimes we cannot or will not see things that might have warned us.  But sometimes we made choices the best we knew how at the time, even under the guidance of God, and then life happens.  We just need to give ourselves a bit of credit that we did the best we could given the knowledge we had at the time, and reality is that we didn't

 know then what we know now, and that makes all the difference.

Finally, you can waste a lot of time trying to figure it all out, all to no purpose.  Sure, if you can identify things you could do differently in your life, or ways you can grow, or things for which you need to forgive your ex…these things are all helpful when looking back and asking where you have failed.  But to be able to identify the 30% that came from your issues and the 70% that came from your ex’s (or vice versa) really accomplishes nothing usable.  Truth is we each contribute to the successes and failures of our marriages, and we always have the opportunity to become more than what we are, to become more of what God desires us to be, and these are really the only useful purpose of asking what is wrong with us.  And I believe it is also useful to acknowledge that there are some things we cannot change on our own.  We need the alcoholic support group, we need the encouragement of friends, we need the help of our doctor or counselor, and most of all, we need God’s Spirit to guide, forgive and strengthen the things in our life that will create the futures that could possibly be. 

So what’s wrong with you?  Oh, probably lots of things.  And lots of things are wrong with me, too.  But neither of us is stuck there.  And it is the same boat that all of us are in.  So acknowledge what is, and then let it go.  Limit the time your rehash the past so that you will have the energy to build the future.

TL:dr  We can obsess over what we did wrong, or we can focus on the things we could possibly do RIGHT in days ahead. 

                        

The Process of Divorce - Grief and Mess

Messy, Griefy Divorce--Reflected

I don’t know if you read the blog that has been featured on Paperblog of late, but I thought it had some really good thoughts, and I wanted to respond to and piggy back on various portions of the article.  The title of that article is “Divorced? It’s Messy and Grief is a Part of It” by Rhodainpittsburgh and one the first comments the author makes is:  “Divorced means you are wrapped up in grief because the dream of the family is lost.”  All of who experience divorce know what she means.  But I would like to suggest some fine tuning of the comment, specifically regarding the dream.  The dream of the family that she says is lost is, indeed, lost if it refers to the specific family whose relationships are now broken and strained.  There remains a dream of what a healthy, functioning family is, and that dream remains worth pursuing.  True, barring reconciliation it won’t happen with that original family.  But as one moves on in life, the dream can materialize in a second family, possibly tweaked by the reality of step children from a previous marriage.  In the midst of divorce it is easy to believe things can never be good again, which is not true; although they will be different.

 “Being divorced is really about having a whole new world view come into play. Just like grief, being divorced takes a good amount of time to recover,” is the next section for me to add my comment.  It is very true that a new world view enters life, much of which is an undesired world view, certainly nothing anyone would aspire to have.  That world view can become either extremely cynical, or one that is simply more realistic than the starry eyed idealism of youth.  And grief is exactly the right word…..the grief of divorce is the same as the other grief experienced in life’s losses, with the exception that after a divorce the “corpse” continues to interfere in your life, and he/she intentionally chose to leave and reject you, creating some significantly more intense dynamics in grief.  The hurt and sense of betrayal is far different from the grief of a death.  This difference may well add to the long process of healing the author refers to in her article.

Ms. Pittsburgh then goes on to discuss the perspectives of the dumped vs. the dumped upon, highlighting the shock and questioning about why.  She is, of course, right in the things she observes, including the rude awakening that can cause one to examine him/herself and one’s contribution to the problems of the failed marriage.  I remember my attorney and I discussing the fact that, generally speaking, the one who is filed upon faces a staggering learning curve to play catch-up with the spouse who has already begun the process of making plans and discovering legal as well as life options regarding divorce.  These things all combine to create such an intense shock that one can literally walk around in fear, desperation and the feelings of being overwhelmed.  It certainly is not the simple and easy process often depicted in movies.

As the author moves forward in her article, she begins to discuss the unhealthy ways the marriage got to the point of divorce, and the lessons that can be learned to avoid repeating the mistakes in the future.  As a pastor who has talked with many troubled couples through the years, the point she makes about avoiding problems and honest self-reflection could be expanded to include the admonishment that all too often couples are unwilling to face problems while they are still small, seeking help only after the problems have become almost unsolvable,  Or, what I have frequently seen as a cause of divorce is that, once a couple decides to work on their problems, the individuals are far too prone to focus on the problems they see in their spouse, and unwilling to do the hard work it takes to own up to one’s issues in a way that can lead to change and growth.  If you end up remarried, hopefully those words won’t describe you.

What lessons can be learned as one moves forward?  Rhodainpittsburgh makes several suggestions.  I would like to add a caveat to what is written:  what one really learns will be in the area of personal growth toward generally more healthy ways of relating and problem solving.  It is fairly dicey to take mistakes from a past relationship and try to apply correction to a future relationship, as each relationship is unique and each partner unique.  It is inappropriate to respond to a new partner in a way that is actually designed to avoid problems one had with a previous partner.  Those problems may not even apply in the new relationship!  It is more important to be, as the writer suggests, genuine and honest with yourself and your spouse, while open to growth and learning.  The example of silence she mentions in some cases may, indeed, be the stuffing of issues and attitudes, but others sort out their issues by means of silent reflection prior to speaking, while others still simply are quiet people who are more introverted and communicate more in nonverbal ways.  Again, the point is each person is unique and must be treated as such.

Further in the article, the writer speaks of reentering the world alone, without the partner you once had at your side.  Of course, she is right.  And that reentry can feel extremely uncertain and lonely.  On the other hand, it is also an incredible opportunity for a restart, the chance to choose a fresh way to live, to create a new kind of home environment, or even to be able to develop and express personality traits that had previously been left aside or long forgotten.  It is a wonderful opportunity to sit before God to simply ask, “What would you desire to do in my life and through my life from this point forward?”  Granted there may be some limitations, but there are also possibilities that did not exist in the previous troubled relationship.  I would encourage folks to never minimize the opportunity that the tragedy of divorce has created, though created in a terrible and very difficult way.

As she goes on to discuss loneliness and the opportunity to find yourself afresh, I would suggest that her point of rediscovering yourself is only part of the process, because you can also begin asking yourself, “But who do I want to become?  What do I want my life to reflect?  And, most important of all, what am I willing to do to get there?”  The loneliness, though absolutely overwhelming and often extremely depressing, does provide the solitude time to ask oneself questions such as these, without the constraints of answers imposed by a spouse with a different life agenda.

Rhoda warns one should not get lost in the loneliness and grief, seeking a balance instead.  In

fact, I would add an additional twist.  Not only the loneliness and grief, but don’t let even the divorce itself consume your life.  You are not merely a person divorced or divorcing.  You still are a unique individual, capable of making various contributions in the lives of those around you as a worker, a parent, a sibling or a friend.  Don’t allow divorce to somehow become your self-definition.  It is only one facet of the person you are. 

Yes, the process of divorce and life afterwards are complicated, messy and uncertain.  And no two are exactly alike...some couples manage to find ways to work it out well while others wage all out war for generations.  As a result, it is always hard to predict, or for specific advice to always apply.  But here are a few thoughts, partly suggested by Rhoda.  It is important to seek support and strength, but for that to be done in healthy ways and not in addictive or dependent relationships that can become very inappropriate and eventually more hurtful than the divorce.  And while there are common threads among those experiencing failing marriages and divorce, the truth is, most everything I said above cannot be generalized to fit everybody.  What is helpful for one person may be counterproductive for another.  What can bring healing to one might cause unnecessary hurt for another.  Just as couples in marriage must work out the particulars of relationship skills and tasks that work for them, so in divorce each individual has to find the direction that can lead them, over time, to wholeness and hope.  Personally, I do believe it is always best to process these things with God as your guide, hence the title of my book, Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce. But as Rhoda has so aptly demonstrated in her article, and as I seek to provide in my book and writings as well, sometimes it is simply helpful to make the journey through, as a shared journey with somebody who has gone through divorce previously who is willing to open their world, struggle and perspective enough to provide some tips along the way.  Maybe these articles can begin the process for some of you reading these pages.  At least, I hope so.

TL:dr  An insightful article about the struggles of divorce receives comment and input from Richard.

I said goodbye to my dog today

BEST DIVORCE TIP I EVER HAD!

Reader Warning:  The material ahead contains significantly sappy thoughts, at least everything after the first paragraph does.  Read at your own peril.

The picture above is, Wwhhat, my dog for fifteen years.  Snoozing on the floor, in the middle of the room, her favorite place to be. 

If you have read my book, you already know the story about my dog, and the fun day my son and I had naming her the silly name we selected.  And when you get the second volume, there are enough dog and cat stories there to let you know how much I enjoy having pets.  When they are well trained.  Anyway, I’ll offer up the great tip first, that way you don’t have to read it all to find out.  A couple of friends were concerned for me when I was faced with divorce (actually more than a couple).  They were especially sensitive to the empty house I was in alone, with the kids only around on that terrible thing called a “shared parenting schedule” (or visitation some say).  That is probably the worst fallout of divorce…but that will go into my discussions on children.  

Anyway, so my friends decided I needed something to keep the house from feeling so empty, and one knew a person whose dog has just had beagle puppies (and I always wanted a beagle anyway!), so a little beagle puppy found her way to my home, and I was not alone again.  My wife also talks about the dogs keeping her company and protected, too.  

SO THE SIMPLE TIP IS:  if you are new into the divorce process and feeling the emptiness and loneliness of echoing walls in your home, it can be a GREAT thing to get a new pet.  Not for the kids, for you.  I prefer cats or dogs, maybe you like something else, but studies have indicated the stress reduction that comes with owning a pet (despite those times they can drive you NUTS!!!), and the companionship of a walking in the park with a dog or having a cat purr on your lap is incomparable.  So that’s the tip. Well, it may not really be the BEST tip I had, but it certainly turned out to be a very good one.  Of course, the downside of the tip is that if your finances are tight, unless you are a vet your will have the expenses of shots and spaying/neutering (which I STRONGLY urge you to do!)  But if you have the cash, the joy is well worth the investment.  (Okay, the sappy part is about to begin, you can bail out now if you’d like.)

Today I closed a chapter of my life, and it was a chapter that was difficult to close.  In the grand scheme of things, it seems almost ridiculous that I would consider this significant, but many of you will know exactly what I mean.  I mean, it is not nearly as big a deal as when my uncle or my mom passed away last year.  But today’s experience might contain something helpful for you, if you are struggling with divorce, and so I will share some memories with you. 

Today I had to put my dog down.  She was 15 years old, almost to the day.  Within a month or two of the beginning of divorce proceedings, she came into my life, tail wagging, mouth smiling, nose nuzzling and full of life.  I’d say she was the best dog I ever had, but I have had some really great dogs in my life and each has been special in its own way.  But this dog was clearly mine.  When I was alone, she and I would go to the park, and she would run and play (never really got the hang of fetch, though), and I would laugh and play with her on my hands and knees.  She was a companion for many, many years.  She never bit anyone.  She rarely growled (I don’t remember her ever doing it, actually).  She loved treats and her eyes lit up whenever I came around, always hoping we’d go for another walk or have a special treat.  And she went walking a lot with me and the woman who later became my second wife and her dog, as a frequent simple date when she and I would visit and laugh or cry. 

For the last three years she has been living at my dad’s house.  Not because she wasn’t welcome at mine, but since dad has been alone much of that time, he has wanted to keep her there.  So even in her old age (the vet said life expectancy for a dog like her would be 12 years, not 15) she was still doing in important job by serving as companion and guard for my dad.  Although she couldn’t really hear much of anything lately.  And her eyes were getting weak.  And her back has some serious problems.  Though the precipitating cause for putting her down was that she developed an illness that would require surgery risky for a dog her age, and that would probably continue to return even if this was successful.  So instead, after some discussion and thought, I decided to let her go now, while she hasn’t had to suffer long, having had a good and very meaningful life. 

Frankly, I don’t know how I would have made it without her.  And I mean that seriously.  And as I said goodbye, she enjoyed some last special treats and Easter leftovers.  We had a hug and a picture.  And then my heart was filled with gratitude to God for her and my mind was flooded with memories of times together.  Then she was buried in a place that also has special memories in my life.  And when I came home, my son’s dog (who we are dogsitting for a few months or years and who is also nearly as old as mine was) came over and greeted me, nuzzling up to me arm as if she knew we had both lost an old friend.  (Every once in a while back when, those two dogs used to get loose and would go visiting all the neighbors and friends, as well as a little sightseeing in town until I would track them down.  At that point, they would joyfully come running and hop back into the car to go back home.  Good memories.)  And, as you might be able to tell from this blog, I have a soft spot for movies like “Marley and Me,” “Beethoven,” “Old Yeller,” or “Homeward Bound.”  I’ll have to see what the next chapter brings, and whether or not another animal will take the role of my beagle or my Siamese cat, both of which are now gone as is the way of life in this world. 

What is it that brings joy to your life and home?  In what HEALTHY ways do you fill the voids of loneliness?  I once had a young child ask me whether or not there would be dogs in heaven, whether or not their pet would be there to greet them when they grow old and die.  I found some scriptures and gave an answer I won’t share here (all of which was before the movie “All Dogs Go To Heaven” came out.)  So while I won’t say anything about whether dogs go to heaven or not today, I will say this:  a good dog brings a bit of heaven to us here.  At least, mine sure did for me.  And my wife’s did for her as well.  I will never forget how God used something as simple as my beagle to bring me the joy and hope I needed at one of the lowest points of my life.  So much so that had my son and I not come up with our silly game to name her, she would have been named, “Hope.”   Perhaps the same idea could be useful for you, too.  So thank you dear friends who had the foresight to insist I get my puppy.  And thank you, God for sending them and for creating such a delightful animal to share 15 years of my life.  And thank you, my dear little beagle for all the things I will never be able to express or repay.  And thank you, blog reader, for allowing me to share this silly little reflection. 

TL:  sorry, no shortcuts today.

Are you over it yet?

Congratulations on your divorce?@!?

Was visiting with a friend the other day about our divorces, and the fact that so often people really don’t have a clue.  Actually, have had this conversation multiple times since I started blogging.  That individual indicated he had actually received some cards from well intentioned friends who congratulated him on the divorce.  He and I agreed it isn't really something you feel ought to be congratulated….it is more about loss, failure, disappointment and the shattering of life.  Even if you are finally out of an awful situation, there is still a great deal of grief and hurt over it all…it just isn't a good thing to experience. 

Another piece of this whole thing is that folks here in the United States really don’t get grief, and even more so when it is the grief of divorce.  After a death, all too often people expect the grieving widow or child to be better a few weeks later, to be moving on in life within a few months at most.  But those of you who have been through it know that time frames like that are not realistic.  In fact, times frames are always artificial constructs, because everybody is different and processes grief in their own time and way.  But divorce, well, that grief can be never ending, because the complications of the aftermath can drag on a very long time, and be refreshed as new issues arise year by year.  In fact, I had a woman ask me today when things finally get settled.  After asking whether or not there were children and learning there were, I passed along a comment a friend had given to me:  “It never really ends until one of you dies.”  That is why I use the phrase “divorced to” instead of “divorced from;” the entanglements just continue to pop up when you think they should be over.

I continue to find it stunning how different the reactions are I meet as I discuss the book, between people who have been divorced (or worked closely with someone who was) and those who have no experience of divorce.  The congratulations cards is a pretty good illustration.  People who deal with divorcing folks or who have been there; meet the book with a real understanding and sense of gratefulness that a new help is available.  Others think, “it’s a nice idea, good luck with that.”  But somehow I suspect that the core issue is the same as with grief at death:  people who haven’t been there think it should be no big deal and one should get over it quickly.  The truth is, the scars are for a lifetime, the hurts heal slowly and things can just be hard to deal with time and time again. 

Having said those things, let me raise another thought.  I have kind of moved us into a discussion of children, at least for a while.  If the process of grieving and healing is difficult for adults going through divorce, and takes a lifetime for them, how much harder would you suppose it might be for children who have much less maturity and much fewer life skill experiences to deal with their parents’ divorce?  Sure they adapt to the changes, but that doesn't mean it is easy, or good, or that they are healed inside.  It means they survive.  In fact, if you know very many children of divorce, you observe that survival skills are the one thing they hone best.  Maybe that’s a good thing, because survival skills come in handy in life.  But the kids I know in divorce learn the survival skills of becoming hard for self-preservation and learning to manipulate situations; not particularly great skills to have.  No, adults and children both need time to heal, patience and understanding by those who care for them and acknowledgement that they have been changed as they face the tragedy of divorce.  I guess a key question is whether or not you are willing to be the kind of person who grants that care and understanding, providing safe space for those struggling with divorce in your world. 

By the way, thanks for the responses to my questions given so far.  I am still collecting input on the following issues:

1)    If you have been a child of divorce, are there things you wish you could tell your parents about what helped or what made it harder?

2)   If you are a parent, are there things you wish you could tell your children that you have avoided lest it create more problems?  Things that you really wish they understood?

3)   If you are either, and have experienced something that really helped or was a good idea, would you be willing to share it?

All names will be kept confidential, and don’t even have to be submitted.  If you are a child from divorce, it might be helpful if you gave your current age range (teens, 20’s, etc).

TL:dr  The grief of divorce is NOT short lived….neither for the adults involved nor the children.  

St. Patrick's Day

What Has Happened to Sainthood?

So yesterday in our worship time, a woman of Irish descent took some time to share with us that St. Patrick’s Day is about more than just green clothing and beer.  She shared some of the story of that great Christian who has come to be known as St. Patrick.  She told of his capture and slavery, she told of his escape, and then of his return to Ireland to share the Gospel with those who had once mistreated him.  And she shared the story (maybe a legend, probably with truth in it) about how St. Patrick used the shamrock as a visual image to teach the doctrine of the Trinity, petals representing Father, Son and Spirit united into a single shamrock.  Pretty cool story, huh?  Actually, if you have never read any church history to learn about what Patrick did, it is well worth reading.

So, I am neither Irish, nor Catholic, and don’t really wear green all that often.  Although, in the right sunshine, my sideburns have a reddish tint to them.  That’s about as close as I get.  But I got to thinking.  The man known as St. Patrick was really quite a phenomenal Christian, and his actions proved it, thus he is remembered as St. Patrick.  And St. Valentine was also quite a church leader, with his legendary commitment to the power of love.  And St. Nicholas did wonderful things, with his secret generosity towards people in need.  Each one was a committed Christian whose actions were exemplary and long remembered for their impact on the people they loved.  And each one is associated with holidays we celebrate now, centuries later.  But I have a question.  So how did their saintly actions get so obfuscated over the course of celebrating the holidays that the influence of Christ can rarely be discerned? 

The same is true of other Christian holidays, too.  Easter with its rabbits and chocolate bunnies.  Oh, by the way, there was something about a resurrection, too wasn't there?  Or All Saint’s Day which has been completely overwhelmed by the celebration of All Hallow’s Eve….Halloween.  Even the beginning of Lent on Ash Wednesday is not nearly as famous or revered as the raucous celebrations of Mardi Gras and Fat Tuesday.  Have you ever wondered what happened?  I have.

Somehow, I suspect, there are spiritual forces at work.  I believe that there really are spiritual beings at odds with the work of God, and that when these holidays are established that could beckon people to Christ, or remember the work and message of His followers, those forces do their best to provide distractions, so that coloring Easter eggs (which I love to do, btw) becomes more important than attending a resurrection sunrise service.  Or Christmas becomes about red velvet suits and football more than communion by candlelight remembering a stable born Savior. 

Well, I hope you had a Happy St. Patrick’s Day.  But more than that, I hope you remembered to celebrate the reason he is remembered, for bringing a message of hope and salvation to a people once lost in religions of darkness.  And THAT, my friends, is no blarney!

TL:dr  Too often we allow our celebrations of Christ to lose Christ in the shuffle.

Mary and Martha in a techno savvy world

“Oh, I wish I were an Apple IPad……”

(sung to the tune of "I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Hot Dog."

So have you ever wished you were a computer or a cell phone?  That’s a question that I probably better explain.  And the explanation needs to begin with a word about myself.  I’m not a techno-geek.  I hate doing internet searches.  Friends tell me that I just need to learn how to refine my searches, and that with practice, I’ll gain that skill.  They also tell me coffee is an acquired taste, but if I just don’t like coffee, why would I want to bother to “acquire the taste?”  I don’t like doing those searches.  And I could care less what the latest techno-toy is, or whether my cell phone can take pictures or receive emails.  So that gives you a bit of a notion of where I am coming from.  Except I should add that I do realize the value these things can have.  For instance, I recently learned through email from a friend in Wisconsin that a college friend in Texas just lost his dad, as she had found out on Facebook.  So there are uses.  Okay, so that is the intro that gets you on the same page with me, so here is the story.

 

Was visiting with a friend the other day, and he was telling me about how much time his wife spends on her new iphone with internet social media and games and texting and…..well, you get the idea.  I was reminded of that conversation yesterday when I walked by the grocery store to see a young woman sitting on the bench outside with her nose buried in her cell phone texting away at lightning speed.  Sometimes, if you want to communicate with this kind of person, the only way to do so is by text, facebook, email, twitter, something.  In fact, I have found with the teenage daughter in the house it is easier to get her to answer a text message than to answer the phone if I call…..even though the call would be much quicker! 

My friend was struggling, it seemed, with the amount of time his wife spent on her gadgets, and he was concerned about other things that WEREN’T getting done, and, I suspect she wasn’t spending much time with him.  Now I know that these gadgets isn’t all there is to it.  Like any marriage, there are always issues that arise.  But somehow, I almost got the feeling he wished he were a cell phone or computer, so that she’d pay as much attention to him as she does to that appliance.  It is the same old story that wives have complained about for years concerning their husbands and football, or television, or their jobs.  But, somehow my friend just seemed to be wishing it was him she was spending her time with and holding close, instead of that phone.

I have had moments like that with people in my life.  AND, MORE IMPORTANTLY, I’ve probably created moments like that for them, as well!  When a television show, a football game, a text message, or a facebook posting gets more attention than the family members around you whom you love, you are walking in dangerous territory.  (In fact, if you are reading this and should be out with your kids, or off with your spouse, stop reading now and get over there!)

In Luke 10, there is the story of Mary and Martha, in which Mary is sitting at the feet of Jesus listening to him teach, while Martha is running around in the kitchen making sure there is a good meal as any decent hostess would do.  And Jesus tells Martha that Mary has made a good choice.  Or consider Mark 4’s parable of the Soils, where some of the soil represents people who hear God’s word, but get caught up with all the cares and concerns of living in this world.  In both cases, the point is that there are things in this world that can easily distract us from what is really important, and what is really urgent.  And as I watch technology advance, I think those things that distract are multiplying exponentially! 

What IS important?  Your relationship with God, and your relationship with your family and friends right there with you.  Not that important things don’t happen through technology contacts, but, as I like to say, don’t merely have “virtual relationships,” make sure the “real relationships” with those around you are given the priority they deserve.  Let me give you a quick example to close.  We were at dinner with a friend the other night.   My cell phone rang.  I pulled it out, saw it was not my dad (who could call for emergencies), so silenced it and put it away.  The call could be returned later, our friend who was with us needed my full attention then.  Dad used  say in business, “the customer standing in front of you is more important that the one on the phone who may come in later to buy something.”  Don’t ever let the people you love wish they could be your computer (or tv, or football game or job), because you aren’t paying sufficient attention to them.  The email, text message or blogpost will still be there when you get done spending time with the ones you love.  Sorry to be so longwinded….but I think it is an important issue in today’s relationships.

TL:dr  Healthy priorities means we don’t let technology or life trappings crowd out time with those we love.

Divorce: Is it really a failure?

Launched to Fail

Did you see that movie, “Failure to Launch”?  Where the parents have a son who refuses to grow up enough to move out and live a responsible life?  Well, had a conversation with a friend the other day that perhaps reverses that thought just a bit.  We were talking about divorce, and the sense of failure that is part of the process.  So, is failure the key word, do you think?  And in what ways? 

  

I’d say there is an assumption that first must acknowledged before you can define divorce as a failure.  That assumption is that marriage is to be a lifelong commitment.  Without that, it isn't necessarily a failure.  I remember running across information that some people like Margaret Meade actually thought in life individuals ought to have three marital partners for the different stages of life.  One spouse for the time of life when physical pleasure is primary, another for the child rearing phase of life, and another for companionship in the latter years.  Obviously, a different image than marriage “till death do you part.”  In the Christian tradition, the intention clearly IS “till death do you part.”  And so, the notion of moving from one marriage partner to the next cannot be defined as fulfilling the purpose and ideal of marriage.  Therefore, fail is a word that applies, at least in some senses.  Let’s explore it a bit, might find interesting emerges.

If you believe, as I do, that the intent of marriage is for life, then when you experience divorce, as I have, then, indeed, you have come out of a “failed” marriage.  What marriage was intended to be, what you have vowed and committed yourself to did not materialize…..it failed to fulfill the goal.  But does something failing equate to being a failure?  And if something failed, does that mean the participants failed, or were failures?  Maybe, but maybe not.  At least, in some senses.  My friend felt clearly that failure was an appropriate term.  I have some other thoughts.  And maybe everything isn’t on a pass/fail grading scale…..at least in some sense.   I better explain.

 

If a baseball player gives his very best all season long, maybe even breaking some records along the way, but his team does not win the championship, is he a failure?  Or for that matter, is the team a failure?  While acknowledging that the ultimate goal is to win the championship games, I think most of us would not impute failure to one member of the team, when we are aware it takes more than one person to make that team succeed.  And, we are also aware that sometimes coaches and managers with all honesty will admit that a season wasn't about winning and losing, but experience and growing.  So while it failed to reach the ultimate goal, the season may not have been a complete failure. 

In that analogy, I would suggest that “failed” can be used to describe a marriage ending in divorce, but the term failure probably ought not to be applied wholesale to the individuals involved, nor to the marriage as a whole.  Just as it takes two people to make a marriage work, it also takes two people for it to fail.  Perhaps one is more at fault than another, but neither one should accept the entire blame and responsibility for the divorce.  In addition, the vows failed to come to full goal, but there were certainly things of value that came from the marriage----children, experience, wisdom, growth---things that would mitigate usage of the word “failure” to the marriage as a whole. 

Another place one could use the word, “failed” might be that one failed to select a spouse with whom to be able to spend an entire lifetime.  Although, I still struggle with over using the word fail in these things.  I truly believe that those of us who are divorced think if we knew then what we know now, we might have chosen differently, but we didn’t know it then, and for many of us, we did make the best choice we knew how to make at the time, and did so with prayerful seeking of God’s guidance.  Would you be willing to say that God failed to guide us effectively?  A quick answer many would give is that we simply didn’t listen or discern well enough.  But, could it also not be possible that we did follow appropriately, and that things changed over time, or subsequent choices created an environment in which one or both well intentioned partners no longer was willing to follow through.  That does NOT negate the fact that God originally led you to that person, does it?  I think not.  And maybe God led you to that person for more reasons than just “till death do you part,” (although I still think it is the proper goal and commitment).  So what could be those reasons?

I would suggest that God often uses thing that seem like failure to accomplish his purposes.  Think particularly of Joseph dragged to prison in Egypt, which eventually produced the deliverance of his family from starvation.  Or think of a Messiah killed on a cross in the prime of life and at the height of His ministry.  Apparent failures, but “failures” that were entwined in the plans of God to accomplish God’s great purposes.  Jonas Salk, the developer of the polio vaccine, had done hundreds and hundreds of experiments that did NOT produce a polio vaccine prior to the precious discovery.  I have heard that he was once asked how he felt about all those failed experiments, and his response was that not one was a failure, but that each had taught him something and prepared him for the steps that eventually led to the discovery of the vaccine.  Could it not be that, in the midst of a failed marriage, God managed to teach you things that can make a profound difference, even something that can be turned into phenomenal success?  Don’t we always hear how important it is to learn from our mistakes, to learn from our experiences in life? 

Anyway, you can decide whatever you want about the whole failure/failed verbiage in regard to divorce.  I know that it certainly feels like failure in many, many ways.  But I also know, that God can uses failures to accomplish great things, and my hope is that you and I will allow God to do so in and through our lives. 

TL:dr  Describing divorce as failure misses opportunities for insight

What is your desire?

Close Encounters of the Godly Kind

So in the group I was in the other day, we talked about the idea of being close to God, discussing what is involved in being close to God, what it takes to experience that intimacy.  We talked about how often we confuse FEELINGS of warmth we take as closeness to God with actual biblical INTIMACY  with God based on more than just our variable emotional responses.  Some folks discussed prayer, time with other Christians, worship and time in the scripture as things that helped them be able to draw near to God.  In fact, we even pointed out that James 4:8a indicates that if we honestly are seeking to draw near to God, then God will respond by drawing near to us…..that this is a promise of God.  The upshot of the whole time was for each of us to evaluate whether or not we thought we were close to God, and whether we are willing to do what it takes to be closer.  Because, the truth is, we are as close to God as we really want to be….our priorities, our use of time and energy, and the wear and tear of our Bibles proves it. 

But I got to thinking about it later, and thought that there is something else we might want to consider when we wonder whether our relationships with God are all that they could or should be.  In our discussions, we focused on whether we are as close to God as we would like to be.  But let me flip that around a bit, and ask you to consider it this way:  Are you as close to God as GOD wants you to be? 

One of the most famous verses in the New Testament is John 3:16, in which God is described as loving the world so much that He gave His unique Son, Jesus, that through His sacrifice on the cross, we can know God and experience eternal life with Him.  What I want to notice today is that this illustrates the depth of God’s desire to be part of your life, to have you close to Him.  Jesus wants you and I with Him so much, that He was willing to lay down His life on the cross, that God the Father would allow the awful suffering Jesus experienced if that’s what it took for you to be able to know Him personally.  And, apparently it was, because even Jesus prayed that if there was some other way, God should use it……yet if that crucifixion was what it would take, then Jesus was willing to go through it.  Because you and I are just that important to Him…we are more important than even Jesus own life and all the pain He would experience.  God wants you to know Him that much! 

Around a hundred years ago, the English poet Francis Thompson, wrote a poem describing God as the “Hound of Heaven.”  God, like a blood hound on the path of its quarry, has been on the trail seeking you and seeking me, seeking that we would be turned from the things in life that distract us and impede our experience of God.  (Might be worth reading the poem for yourself.)  God’s desire is that our lives would be lived in such a way that we are drawn closer to Him every day and in every experience, and He follows after us to turn us back toward Him, away from those things that would capture us and drag us far away.  God’s desire to be close to you is extreme!  God doesn’t want us to experience just a tidbit, but to dive in to the depths of a committed relationship in which we know God and are known by Him.  He promises time and again in scripture that if we truly seek to know God, then He will reveal Himself to us.

(The link below will take you to the full text of the poem)

The Hound of Heaven by Francis Thompson

So, do you really think God wants to spend more time with you?  Do you think God is pleased or impressed with how much of your life is available to Him, how many of your resources are offered for His use?  Is your image of God of a God who sits on a throne far, far away, looking down on the world in an impersonal way?  Or do you believe in a God who dwells within your heart and not only knows every detail of your life, also CARES about all the things you experience and struggle with in life?  And is your belief that He is within your heart based on scripture, or just your own idea of what God is like?  According to scripture, God does, indeed, dwell within our hearts through the Holy Spirit…..but only for those who have opened their hearts to receive Christ.  God desire is that you would be His and spend all of eternity with Him, starting right now and right here.  What is YOUR desire?

TL:dr  Does our desire to be in close relationship to God match at all God’s desire to have close relationship with us?

What kind of person are you?

So There Are Two Kinds of People….

I heard somebody say the other day that there are two kinds of people.  The first kind is the people who believe that there are only two kinds of people.  The other, of course, is the rest of us.  However, I had some experiences the other day that made me realize that there ARE two kinds of Christians in the church (granted, there are more than two, but there is an issue in which there are two points of view that are predominant).  But before I tell you what they are, let me illustrate with what I experienced.

So at the recent book signings for my book, Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce, I was at the table and would visit with people while there.  Often, people would look at my book with kind of a blank or uncertain look on their faces.  I would then explain that it is a daily devotional to help people who are going through a divorce.  Sometimes they would tell me how grateful they were that they didn’t need a book like that, because their marriage is intact, or because they have never gotten married.  One couple told me they had been married 30 years, and didn’t expect to need my book, because they had a good marriage.  More power to them!  I hope they celebrate a 40^th and a 50^th, and who knows how many more! 

 

But sometimes, I got a different reaction.  Sometimes the people would say that, though they didn’t need the book themselves, they knew someone who did.  One woman took one, and then asked me to personalize another for a friend of hers who was struggling with divorce.  A pastor picked up three, because he said he had three people he knew who really needed something like that.  And as I was driving home, I realize I had experienced a sort of microcosm of what happens with my book, which illustrates more than just my book.  Do you see the difference in the responses? 

In the first case, people looked at my book to see if it was relevant for their lives, and then when they realized it wasn’t, went on to find the materials that would be useful for their situations.  (Although, I might point out that they didn’t stop to think that it might have helped them understand the struggle of people they know, or will come to know, who are facing divorce.)  These people are always looking for things that will help them grow in Christ, things that will enrich their lives, or meet the needs they are experiencing. 

The other group of people were those who go through life looking for things that will help them be able to minister to the needs of OTHERS, ways that they can be used by God to make a difference in SOMEBODY ELSE’S life.  Those people looked at my book, not for its relevance for their own lives, but for ways they could use it as a ministry tool in the lives of others.  And I would almost guarantee that there wasn’t a person who saw the book who doesn’t know somebody (or will) whose life is torn with the ravages of divorce.  And these are the two types of Christians I consistently meet in the churches. 

Realize the book is just an example.  In our churches, though, there are Christians who evaluate pastors, select churches, choose music, get involved in events and ministries based on whether or not it will be of benefit to themselves, and they are always on the lookout for something that will be useful for themselves.  Then there are those who evaluate pastors, churches, music and various ministries based on how they can be used to meet the needs of OTHERS, and they are always on the lookout for something that can make a difference in the lives of OTHER people.  Kind of stark when I say it like that, isn’t it?  The first group is kind of big contrast from Jesus, who went way out of His way to a well in Samaria for a woman of broken relationships, because He believed she was important and needed help.  Interestingly enough, she became the best evangelist He had there in that town.

It kind of reminds me of a few Bible verses.  Like Mark 10:45---“For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (ESV), where Jesus describes His own mindset.  Or some things Paul said, like in 2 Corinthians 4:5---“For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake.”  (ESV), or Philippians 2:4---“Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (ESV).  In these verses, it makes clear that a commitment to Christ compels us, no commands us to be concerned for and involved with the needs of others.  Christianity that is focused upon self, or even focused on one’s own relationship with God with no thought for others, or even Christianity that practices putting oneself ahead of potential ministry with others….well, that is a faith that does NOT follow the footsteps of Christ.  And, it seems to me, the sooner we learn that lesson, the better off our churches and their ministries will be. 

So let me suggest again that the purpose of my book is for it to be a tool people like YOU can use to express your care and provide needed help to folks going through divorce and its aftermath.  And I believe it is a critical tool in a realm in which the need is great, but Christian help available is very limited.  If you know someone, and want to get the book to them, you can obtain signed copies directly from me via the email address on the blog.  You can also order copies (ebook or paperback) from westbowpress.com or christianbook.com or in the United Kingdom, through www.whsmith.co.uk  as well as the normal online outlets.  I want to encourage you to keep your eyes open, not only to those caught in the struggles of divorce, but needing other ministries and caring, because that is the way Christ walked through our world, and it is the way He wants us to walk as well.  There is somebody you know, or will know, who is waiting for YOU to show you care.  And your care will represent God’s care!

TL:dr  The two kinds of Christians can be seen by whether we are concerned about ourselves, or concerned about the needs of others, and the response of people to my book illustrates the difference.   

News from the Homefront

Slowly, but surely

There are several quotes from the book that are really helpful when you are trying to get through the day....in the case of anyone separated from a loved one for any reason.  I have been working to get them into a meme format to get them onto the facebook page and eventual website!  Here is the first one I have completed...I know, I am less than professional, but I'm learning more each day.

Go to facebook and "like" our page in order to see them as I get them completed.

In addition, Richard works hard each day on the editing for the second book...yes, there is a spring and summer!!  We hope to announce a publication date in the near future.  Very exciting news on our behalf!

Wrong on so many levels....

Can You Sue An Attorney For False Advertising?

I heard on the news that there is an attorney up in Michigan who is having some kind of contest by which he is offering a “no cost divorce” as a Valentine’s gift for some couple whose story is somehow deemed best.  Now  this just seems wrong on soooo many levels.  For Valentine’s Day….the day that celebrates LOVE?!?  Only an attorney could come up with something like this  If you don’t believe me, go back and read some of the ridiculous laws that are on the books…..things like sleeping in bathtubs or ice cream on cherry pie.  But basically, I think he is offering something that does not exist, don’t you?

Oh, I know, what he plans on doing in skipping his fees (which, of course, if you’ve ever been through a divorce means that he will probably select a couple who already has all the settlement worked out and agreed upon…not someone who is going to have to go to court time and again over issue after issue).  Don’t know how he plans on handling court fees, though….maybe he’ll donate them, too.  But really, don’t you think it makes more sense to discourage people from getting divorced if at all possible, rather than encouraging them to do it as a Valentine’s gift?

But the idea of a “no cost” divorce is crazy.   Try to tell that to the single parents out there, struggling to make ends meet on the one income of the household.  Tell it to the divorcee, eating popcorn for supper, alone in an empty house.  Or tell it to the children who only see one of their parents every other weekend, and one evening a week.  Tell it to the grandparents who didn’t get to see the grandchildren last Christmas because they were at “the other parent’s house.”  Tell it to the lonely woman, whose husband left her for a younger woman after 25 years of marriage.  Tell it to the divorced person going out on a date with someone he or she cares about, nervous about telling that person about the fact that they are divorced, feeling like damaged goods or second-hand merchandise.  Tell it to the couple who are in their second marriage, when they don’t have shared memories about the birth of their children.  Tell it to the kids of the “blended” family who are suddenly having to adapt to a new step parent whose expectations and discipline style are far different than they are used to in their house.  Tell it to the dad who lives hand to mouth while a major chunk of his check goes in alimony/maintenance to a woman who no longer loves him.  Tell it to the teachers at the children’s school, who have to make sure there are duplicate copies of grade reports and that the parent picking up the child today isn’t prevented by a restraining order from doing so.  Or tell it to the person who was divorce decades ago, but who still has moments of sadness when that anniversary comes around or pictures of long ago vacations fall out of a drawer. 

No cost divorce?  Really?  Don’t you believe it.  In today’s world, there are many who try to convince folks that is the truth.  But it never is.  Oh, I am sure there are those who pretend it doesn’t matter, that they just have moved on in life.  And there are those for whom the divorce was a necessary evil, to protect their safety and/or sanity.  And there are parents who manage to work together in an amicable way for the sake of the children.  But the fact is, the children will never again be able to experience growing up in an intact home with both biological parents present.  And the adults will never forget that they have experienced the trauma of a broken marriage and faded dreams, or feel the sadness of a failed marriage, even if they believe they gave it their best shot. 

The greatest attorney in the world could never deliver a “no cost” divorce.  However, we do have an attorney in heaven, who will help those heal who have had to go through one:  “My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. ² He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world.”  ----1 John 2:1-2 (ESV)

And our attorney, Jesus, ALWAYS keeps His promises, and always has our best interest at heart!

TL:dr  The costs of divorce are far more than financial.

Valentine's Day for the Newly Divorced and Widowed...Ten Tips

Top Ten Ways to Make Valentine’s Day Special for a Newly Divorced Friend....or your newly widowed friend

Ever see “When Harry Met Sally?”  Remember how awkward they both felt on New Year’s Eve when all those around them were kissing at midnight, and they were without dates?  Valentine’s can be even worse.  Want to help?  Try one of these suggestions:

(Valentine's Day Caveat....or consider your audience carefully.  When following the suggestions for sending cards, gifts or flowers, as well as an invitation out, gauge your relationship carefully. Be clear about your intentions!  One of the most unkind Valentine's Day gifts is mixed signals and confusing messages!)

1)  Send a Card---a real, paper card, that can be held, read and reread, and kept as a memento, can let someone know they are not forgotten.

2) Send flowers or chocolate---the usual Valentine’s Day gifts aren’t going to be there unless somebody like you sends one, again, just to let them know somebody cares. 

3) Send a flower to work---for a female friend, a simple bouquet or single rose at work can mean a lot, when all her coworkers are receiving bouquets and she might feel left out.

4) Be kind enough to NOT arrange a blind date---for some people, doing so could be a good thing….but probably NOT on Valentine’s Day.  If it turns out to be poor match, it would accentuate the awkwardness. 

5) Take your friend out to lunch—If you are celebrating with your spouse or special one in the evening, the lunch hour could be a good time to life your friend’s spirits. 

6) Give your friend a chance to talk—give him or her a call, stop by the office or home to visit, say hi, ask how they are doing, or just let the friend know you care.  Being a listening ear for someone struggling is a great gift…..but don’t overdo, don’t let your friend obsess into depression. 

7) Double date….maybe---if your friend isn’t freshly out, and if you aren’t overly pushy, and if your friend’s date is someone they already know and are comfortable with……an evening out could be a good thing, if it is a lighthearted time, it can be a real lift.

8) Politely check in with them---ask the day before, and the day after, about the holiday, their plans, their activities, their mood.  An open door ahead of time can help them be intentional and thoughtful facing the day, and the same door afterwards can provide a chance to process and vent. 

9) If you are single, too, consider spending the day together.  While Harry and Sally had a rather odd relationship, it is a good thing for friends to be able to spend difficult days together doing something fun.  Again, if you are doing this with a friend of the opposite sex, be wise---mixed and confused messages can create additional problems.  And the truth is, God can do more to help your friend make it through days like this, and to heal, than you or I ever could.

10) Pray for your friend---that’s right, it’s often overlooked, but the truth is, one of the greatest things you can do for a friend is pray for them. 

And the truth is, God can do more to help your friend make it through days like this, and to heal, than you or I ever could.

If this sounds like a bit of a kink in your own holiday plans, a real inconvenience, I would encourage you to remind yourself of a few scriptures.  If you think this is a good idea, I’d remind you of these same scriptures to give you some context to your kindness (all quoted from the English Standard Version):

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”---Romans 12:15

“Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”---Philippians 2:4

“Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”---Galatians 6:2

“Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.”---John 15:13

You see, doing this isn’t merely a nice idea, it’s following the example of Christ, it’s the essence of what it means to live like a Christian. 

Have a Happy Valentine’s Day!