...and the winner is?

Dear Old Dad!

So it was time to do the drawing for the free copy of Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce   VOLUME 2, now that it is completed and out.  So we gathered up the names of the people who entered the drawing by liking the facebook page and then sharing a post about Volume 2.  Then we printed the names onto papers for a drawing.  Last time we had the pastor do the drawing, but I decided this time, that probably the person most excited about the books even being written is my Dad, and so we had Dad do the drawing.  Before I tell you who won the drawing, let me tell you a bit about Dad.

We live in the same town as my dad, having moved down a few years back to help out and to be able to dedicate some time to writing.  Dad was married to my mom for over 60 years, having gotten married just after World War II, and married till mom passed away last fall, a great achievement in this day and age.  Dad served in the army during that war, involved in the invasions of Sicily, Italy and Southern France, all making way for the D-day invasion across the channel.  He was at Dachau the day after it was liberated, and was involved with the famous and difficult battle of Monte Cassino.  In fact, in the last couple of years, he was awarded a Bronze Star having led a rescue of around 30 injured New Zealand soldiers during that battle.  Originally he was put in for a higher decoration, but records were destroyed when HQ was hit, and the other records burned in a fire in St. Louis, so his award recommendation had been long lost.  Then word of his actions got back to the current officers of the battalion, and they took on the project to make amends for the long missing records, and he received a bronze star as a result. 

However, if you talked to Dad, he wouldn't tell you that was the most important thing in his life.  It was just what had to be done or else those guys would have died.   And when you talk to him about World War II, he has a hard time believing he was able to do some of the things they had to do, sleeping in the rain, marching clear across Europe…  But then he realizes he was only a young kid, back 70 years ago when he was serving.  Now, at nearly 93, reflecting on his life, he knows what they did then was important, but he more values the six decade long marriage, and having raised a family, and having worked hard as a successful photographer for several decades.  (I learned photography from him, including the shots on the covers of my books…as did my sister, who did my photo on the books.)  Having grown up during and survived the Great Depression and Dust Bowl on a Kansas farm, he has learned how to face most any challenge, and is a real can do sort of person.  In spite of the physical limitations of age, he still keeps a vegetable garden growing, loves to cook and can, and always has one project or another going around his house. 

But what means the most to him has been his involvement in church and his commitment to Christ.  He has served his church teaching Sunday School and as a Deacon, as well as many other roles.  Even today, he has a greeting card ministry, and sends encouragements to those who are in grief, are ill, or celebrating birthdays and anniversaries.   His faith and his commitment to, not only believing in God, but actively serving Him, are core values he has sought to pass on to his children, grandchildren, family and friends.  His example in all these things have helped shape who I am, and what I have written.  And it seemed only fitting that we include him in our celebration of the new book, and so, thanks Dad, for everything.  With that, let’s show the pictures and announce the winner of our free signed copy of Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce  Vol. 2:  Spring and Summer—Seasons of Renewal and Warmth.   AND THE WINNER IS……

Divorce: Is it really a failure?

Launched to Fail

Did you see that movie, “Failure to Launch”?  Where the parents have a son who refuses to grow up enough to move out and live a responsible life?  Well, had a conversation with a friend the other day that perhaps reverses that thought just a bit.  We were talking about divorce, and the sense of failure that is part of the process.  So, is failure the key word, do you think?  And in what ways? 

  

I’d say there is an assumption that first must acknowledged before you can define divorce as a failure.  That assumption is that marriage is to be a lifelong commitment.  Without that, it isn't necessarily a failure.  I remember running across information that some people like Margaret Meade actually thought in life individuals ought to have three marital partners for the different stages of life.  One spouse for the time of life when physical pleasure is primary, another for the child rearing phase of life, and another for companionship in the latter years.  Obviously, a different image than marriage “till death do you part.”  In the Christian tradition, the intention clearly IS “till death do you part.”  And so, the notion of moving from one marriage partner to the next cannot be defined as fulfilling the purpose and ideal of marriage.  Therefore, fail is a word that applies, at least in some senses.  Let’s explore it a bit, might find interesting emerges.

If you believe, as I do, that the intent of marriage is for life, then when you experience divorce, as I have, then, indeed, you have come out of a “failed” marriage.  What marriage was intended to be, what you have vowed and committed yourself to did not materialize…..it failed to fulfill the goal.  But does something failing equate to being a failure?  And if something failed, does that mean the participants failed, or were failures?  Maybe, but maybe not.  At least, in some senses.  My friend felt clearly that failure was an appropriate term.  I have some other thoughts.  And maybe everything isn’t on a pass/fail grading scale…..at least in some sense.   I better explain.

 

If a baseball player gives his very best all season long, maybe even breaking some records along the way, but his team does not win the championship, is he a failure?  Or for that matter, is the team a failure?  While acknowledging that the ultimate goal is to win the championship games, I think most of us would not impute failure to one member of the team, when we are aware it takes more than one person to make that team succeed.  And, we are also aware that sometimes coaches and managers with all honesty will admit that a season wasn't about winning and losing, but experience and growing.  So while it failed to reach the ultimate goal, the season may not have been a complete failure. 

In that analogy, I would suggest that “failed” can be used to describe a marriage ending in divorce, but the term failure probably ought not to be applied wholesale to the individuals involved, nor to the marriage as a whole.  Just as it takes two people to make a marriage work, it also takes two people for it to fail.  Perhaps one is more at fault than another, but neither one should accept the entire blame and responsibility for the divorce.  In addition, the vows failed to come to full goal, but there were certainly things of value that came from the marriage----children, experience, wisdom, growth---things that would mitigate usage of the word “failure” to the marriage as a whole. 

Another place one could use the word, “failed” might be that one failed to select a spouse with whom to be able to spend an entire lifetime.  Although, I still struggle with over using the word fail in these things.  I truly believe that those of us who are divorced think if we knew then what we know now, we might have chosen differently, but we didn’t know it then, and for many of us, we did make the best choice we knew how to make at the time, and did so with prayerful seeking of God’s guidance.  Would you be willing to say that God failed to guide us effectively?  A quick answer many would give is that we simply didn’t listen or discern well enough.  But, could it also not be possible that we did follow appropriately, and that things changed over time, or subsequent choices created an environment in which one or both well intentioned partners no longer was willing to follow through.  That does NOT negate the fact that God originally led you to that person, does it?  I think not.  And maybe God led you to that person for more reasons than just “till death do you part,” (although I still think it is the proper goal and commitment).  So what could be those reasons?

I would suggest that God often uses thing that seem like failure to accomplish his purposes.  Think particularly of Joseph dragged to prison in Egypt, which eventually produced the deliverance of his family from starvation.  Or think of a Messiah killed on a cross in the prime of life and at the height of His ministry.  Apparent failures, but “failures” that were entwined in the plans of God to accomplish God’s great purposes.  Jonas Salk, the developer of the polio vaccine, had done hundreds and hundreds of experiments that did NOT produce a polio vaccine prior to the precious discovery.  I have heard that he was once asked how he felt about all those failed experiments, and his response was that not one was a failure, but that each had taught him something and prepared him for the steps that eventually led to the discovery of the vaccine.  Could it not be that, in the midst of a failed marriage, God managed to teach you things that can make a profound difference, even something that can be turned into phenomenal success?  Don’t we always hear how important it is to learn from our mistakes, to learn from our experiences in life? 

Anyway, you can decide whatever you want about the whole failure/failed verbiage in regard to divorce.  I know that it certainly feels like failure in many, many ways.  But I also know, that God can uses failures to accomplish great things, and my hope is that you and I will allow God to do so in and through our lives. 

TL:dr  Describing divorce as failure misses opportunities for insight

Valentine's Day and Divorce...on the road to healing

Top Ten Valentine’s Day tips for the Newly Divorced

1)    Be Wise---Don’t go where you will stir up painful memories or set yourself up as an awkward fifth wheel.

2)   Be Healed---Allow yourself time to heal from the loss and grief of your divorce instead of caving to pressure and start to rebound date out of neediness and loneliness.  (Just because friends say, ”It’s time to get out there, to get over it” doesn’t mean they are right.)

3)   Be Joyful.  Don’t let your own loss overwhelm the day, find a way to do something to bring a smile to your face for Valentine’s Day.

4)   Remember, Valentine’s Day is a celebration of love…..so celebrate love…..with friends and family you love, or by showing love to someone in a nursing home or homeless shelter.

5)  Adjust..... If you have young children, don’t get wrapped up in yourself and forget them.  They, too, are experiencing a different kind of Valentine’s Day, and may need YOUR love and help to adjust.

6)   Celebrate love by spending some time with the good memories of your marriage…thanking God for the good times you had, remembering that it wasn’t all bad. 

7)   Do something special for yourself for Valentine’s Day…..buy a box of your favorite chocolates, nice dinner with a friend, or go to a movie.

8)   Get outside of yourself a bit.  Find somebody you can make the day special for….send flowers to that newly widowed friend, candy for a neighbor’s kid, maybe invite a lonely friend out to a play or ball game.

9)   Cry.  That’s right, weep a bit this Valentine’s Day, somewhere privately or with a special friend if you prefer.  You have lost something precious, and if you really ever loved your spouse, that loss hurts.  Part of valuing love is being able to grieve love lost.

10)  Read 1 Corinthians 13, to remind yourself of what love truly is like.  It may help you understand how far your marriage had drifted from God’s design for loving relationships.  And let it remind you how much God loves you, even if your ex doesn’t!

A Nail in the Road

Opportunities Wandering Life’s Pathways

  So my wife suggested that I need to lighten up for a blog or two…..said too much thinking can make a person’s brain hurt.  How about running back to a variation on a topic from last summer.  You may remember the posts about pennies from heaven last summer and fall.  If you don’t you can dig into the archive if this one inspires you to do so. 

  To set the stage a bit, I often take the dogs out for a long walk early in the morning.  That way, it feels like I have more of a reason to get my exercise than just moving my legs.  I see and hear all sorts of things when I go…at least once the sun comes up enough to see.  The other day I was walking my usual route, and happened to glance down.  Nope, it wasn't money.  It was a nail.  Just an old rusty nail.  I picked it up, put it in my pocket and brought it home to throw away.  (I have to put that part in, because there are some people who think I don’t ever throw ANYTHING away!) 

  That isn't the first time I've picked up nails or screws along the side of the road.  But it was early in this walk, and as I continued on my way, I got to thinking….always a dangerous proposition I know.  I thought to myself, “You know, nobody driving by that spot will ever know I picked up that nail, but who knows, it may have just prevented somebody getting a flat tire.”  And then I thought, “I hope somebody out there is picking up nails out where I drive, watching out for me, too.”  Now normally, I wouldn't even bother to tell you I do this kind of stuff.  (And you probably would just as soon not hear it, too!)  But I ended up over at my cousin’s factory, and was telling him the story, then got a good chuckle.  He said, “You know, I’m always picking up nails and screws, too.  Especially over at the parking lot by the store.  Seems like there’s always a nail or two that fell out of somebody’s truck.”  Maybe this means the trait is hereditary.  I wouldn't bet on it, though.  But we laughed, and realized that, truthfully, we probably have prevented a flat or two down through the years.

  In this day and age when everybody seems to be so out for themselves, for getting what they can get no matter who it affects, and where hostility, violence and road rage are rampant, maybe we need the antidote of doing something nice for people who will never know.  And, doing those things whether anybody ever knows or not.  (You wouldn't know either, except I needed a blog topic!)  Like those bumper stickers that talk about random acts of kindness.  Seems to me if more of us were taking time to watch out for one another, instead of finding ways to nitpick at each other, or demanding that our OWN “rights” don’t get trampled, we’d have a kinder world.  I guess, to me, this is a lot like the places where Jesus talked about folks who give someone a cup of cold water, or who visit folks who are sick or in prison.  In those cases, they find out later that God notices things like this.  And God rewards things like this.  But not because you do it seeking a reward.  Because you do it as your way of showing God’s love to somebody in simple little ways.

  One of the most impressive acts of kindness I ever saw was a young woman I knew who had a terrible case of MS.  Nearly bed fast, scrawly handwriting, balance and speech ability seriously impaired, she used to send get well cards to people she knew in the hospital.  I can’t tell you how many times I’d visit a person in the hospital who would pull her card out of the stack of cards they had and say, “Can you believe this?  As hard as her life is, she took time to send ME a get well card.”  I told her a time or two, but I don’t think she ever really realized how much those cards of hers touched the lives of others.

  There are lots of ways to reflect the love and kindness of God to others, some more visible, some unseen.  What are the ways YOU make your corner of the world brighter?  Maybe it’s time to find some new ones, cause there are a lot of nails out there just waiting to flatten the tires of somebody’s life!

TL:dr  Kindness in simple deeds never goes unnoticed by God.

Music, Christmas and Divorce...a recipe for healing

Christmas Carols, Mall Music and the Hallelujah Chorus!

So, just got home from practice at church for a Christmas musical presentation.  They do a really nice evening service with the choir singing a cantata, and bring in instruments for an accompanying orchestra…..I have both attended and played in the orchestra (nobody wants me to sing in the choir---especially those who have heard me sing!).  ANYWAY…..

As I got back home and was thinking about the music, it occurs to me that I haven’t mentioned anything about music, Christmas and divorce on the blog.  There really are some huge points of contact.  Probably I should clue you in to the fact that I am a sentimental sap, and it definitely impacts my perspective.  I remember so many times just after the divorce, when Christmas music would play on the radio or off the CD's, and sometimes it was all I could bear to let it play through the song.  Some of those Christmas songs that promise Christmas with that special someone ring so hollow in the time after a divorce.  Some of the songs bring back memories of family times that have now become a part of the past instead of the present….memories that can be pretty painful.  And some of the songs kind of spit in your face…especially that first year after a divorce….songs about the joy of the season and the wonderful time Christmas is….songs that simply do not match the emptiness of a broken heart.

On the other hand, some of those songs will serve to remind you that even though your marital world has changed, there is a constancy in life, tradition and God, that remains in spite of the changes.  People will still wish us A Merry Christmas, Christmas Eve remains a Holy Night, Santa will still need that red nose to guide the sleigh, and Snoopy will share a drink with the Red Baron while the Christmas bells ring.  There is such a wide variety of moods and meanings in the Christmas music, and, for me, the Christmas movies. 

So if you are one who is mourning the loss of a marriage (or maybe even the loss of a spouse or loved one), may I suggest that you allow the music of this season to be a vehicle for inner healing.   Allow the emotions they evoke to guide you through some of your inner struggles, hopes, fears and joys.  Let the tears flow when you hear someone sing that they long to have Christmas with that special someone or carolers come with Christmas wishes to a lonely widow (I really like that song).  Let some of the fun songs take you back to happier times, when reindeer hooves made clicks on the roof, or when you try to keep straight how many lords go leaping and how many dancers are dancing.  Some can bring you back to the core of what the holiday is really about, perhaps as you listen to Handel’s Messiah, or remember the midnight clear in the little town of Bethlehem.  And maybe you can find some new song you can claim as your own in a new chapter of your life……I’m always big on the Chipmunks, the Jingle Dogs, and Michael W. Smith’s Christmas recordings.  (In fact, some of the songs, such as poor grandma with her reindeer collision, are only allowed when I am in the house by myself.) 

In fact, I ran across a pretty nice idea in my own devotional readings the other day.  Carol Knapp, a writer for the Guideposts Devotionals, suggested finding a phrase in a Christmas song that has meaning for you, and allow it to be the theme of the season for yourself.  The example she used was the phrase “wonders of His love” out of “Joy to the World” as a phrase that really helped her one year reflect on Christmas in a new way, and see God’s work in the world around her as she prepared for Christmas.  Maybe you might want to adopt her idea….it’s a pretty good one, I think.  Anyway, the angels sang, Mary sang, Elizabeth sang, and every generation of Christians have sung of Christ’s birth ever since that incredible birth in the manger.  Find a way to join them and sing as well (even if you have to do it where nobody can hear, like I do!).  Well, I better get practicing.

TL:dr  Christmas music can be God’s tool for God’s grace in your soul this season.

  

Invited...

47%  ??????

Did you see the headline I ran across the other day?  A recent survey by the Pew Group (http://www.pewforum.org/Unaffiliated/nones-on-the-rise.aspx) reported that for the first time, Protestants are less than 50% of the US population.  They also mentioned a stat that I ran across elsewhere, that the fastest growing religious category in the US is “no religion.”  Why is that?

Well, people refer to lots of theories.  For instance, secular humanism gets blamed a lot…..how it has done away with people feeling a need for God.  Other people think the decline began with the Enlightenment, that the Age of Reason took God out of the middle of the universe and put the human mind at the center instead.  Some think the problem began with Darwin’s theory of evolution, replacing the Creator with the process of natural selection.  More recently, some blame things like moral relativism, by which people no longer feel guilt and therefore no need for forgiveness, or the rise of New Age eastern philosophy.  Some would blame the rise of busy-ness here  in the USA, such as Sunday sports activities for kids and schools that schedule programs during times that used to be considered reserved for religious education.  And, of course, there is also the good old, “Satan has been working hard.”  Probably, the list could go on for hours, to include things like deconstructionism, or the demythologization of scripture, or higher criticism, or competitive movements like Moonies or Scientology. 

I think there is another core cause.  I was visiting with a senior citizen recently, who told me about attending his Bible study group on Sunday, and how few were in attendance.  He then mentioned a picture (maybe on the wall?) of the class some years earlier that had over 30 or more people in it as opposed to the handful that day.  The question he raised with me was, do you realize what that means?  I know the answer he expected was something like, “It means so many of your friends have passed away.”  But that wasn’t what he got.  Instead, I said, “Well, what it means to me is that it would appear your friends have not been very good at inviting and including new people into their group.” 

We like to say the reason so many churches are struggling and the faith decline exists in this country is due to one or more of the things listed above (or not listed above).  But really, the core problem is not outside the church, but within the church.  The core problem is that we don’t effectively reach others for Christ, maybe because we don’t take seriously the urgency of that need, acting as if it can all happen later, or God won’t really punish anybody except the really bad ones we don’t like.  Or maybe we implicitly accept the notion that there are many ways to God, and we don’t really need to share the Gospel.  Everyone of these reasons flies in the face of clear biblical teachings.  The fault is not theirs, it is ours.  We don’t pray enough.  We don’t invite enough.  We don’t love enough.  We don’t care enough.  We don’t try enough.  We don’t value human souls enough.  We don’t take the Great Commission seriously enough.  We don’t risk enough.  We don’t trust God enough. 

It may be hard to hear, but does it really bother you that no religion is the fastest growing group in the U.S.?  Does it bother you enough to make you change your behavior?  Is God important enough to you that you will share what you have found in Him, and take more seriously the call to be His witness?  When you look back over your life, how many people have you shared Christ with, inviting them to give their lives to Him?  (Note, not how many believed, that is up to God….how many opportunities have you given for God to touch those hearts?)  Well, that statistic is just a statistic, and things change, but it is worth giving us cause us to think.   ALTHOUGH, for clarity’s sake, I also have heard that part of the decline in Protestant numbers is because many recent churches don’t fit in the technical definition of “Protestant” and are therefore counted in some other way.  Just thought I’d raise the issue.

TL:dr  Recent census numbers on the decline of believers should challenge us.

Words hurt?...

Sticks and Stones

When I was a kid, they used to chant that old saw, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”  Seems like I recall a Peanuts cartoon once in which somebody chanted that, and the next frame had a bunch of sticks and stones falling toward the hapless child.   Now, they are trying to create a more gentle society, with laws against “hate speech,” (at least hate speech that isn’t PC), and school assemblies against bullying.  So, do words really matter?

Somehow, they really do.  You have seen it, I know.  A person says something unkind, the person spoken to wells up with tearful eyes, and the names hurt more than the saying admits.  Ephesians 4:29 (you can look it up) warns us that the only words that come out of our mouths are supposed to be words that edify.  There was a time in my life when a common phrase on a certain friend’s lips was, “Ephesians 4:29, Rich.”  So much so that I can’t look at that verse without remembering to add my name.  Not that my language is bad, mind you, but because my ornery side teases and puns its way into people’s hearts and minds…..until sometimes it grates on them.  Don’t mean it to, it just happens. 

Yes, words probably do matter more than we want to admit.  In part because Jesus says we are going to have to explain every careless word we have ever used.  And, so much so that the scripture says that it was words God used to create things in the first place.  In fact, John even uses “Word” to refer to Jesus, the creative and redemptive agent of God.  Yup, words matter.  And I can tell you, sometimes words are said without even thinking that can be very hurtful to people divorcing.  Simple phrases like, “bring your spouse,” or “I would NEVER think of marrying a divorced person,” often said without realizing who is in the room and the impact the words are having.

Somehow, in life, I often end up relating to the Psalmist who asks God to set a guard upon his lips to make sure his speech is pleasing to God.  How about you?  What kind of “lip service” will you be producing today?

TL:dr  God expects our words to reflect His Word.

A Divorce in your Church

Spiritual Risks in Divorce

       The process of divorce is one that all too often leads to individuals turning away from the church, from their faith, from God.  Why?  Lots of reasons.  Partly because of the devastation and shame that divorce can bring with it.  Sometimes because churches aren’t very good at connecting well with individuals going through divorce.  And there are other situations in which an individual simply is unable to find good connections in their church after their divorce.  If you attend church, I am pretty certain that if you think hard, you can identify church friends you recall who have gone through a divorce and then simply disappeared from your congregation, and maybe from church altogether.  What can be done to prevent this?  How can a divorcing person protect themselves?  What can a church body do to intervene?   

       Let’s talk to the divorcing/divorced person first.  Realize, you are at risk! 

I believe there is a satan, and he will do everything possible to use this time to drive you away from God.  There will be feelings and thoughts telling you that God doesn’t love you any more, that nobody cares, that you aren’t good enough for church, that you don’t belong or fit in, that if God really loved you then He shouldn’t have let this happen to you…..on and on and on.  In addition, satan will also make sure you run into Christians who will tell you that very thing, and add on plenty of extra guilt to make sure you know that if only YOU had followed God’s perfect plan the way THEY have, then you wouldn’t even be divorced anyway!  There is one word you need to remember when all these things come your way:  HOGWASH! 

       The truth is, God’s heart is breaking as He sees you….or any other person for that matter…..enduring the tragedies of this world, including divorce.  And God’s desire is to help you. But it is up to you to find a way to be faithful to God in this time, to seek to draw closer, to turn to Him for strength, to give God the chance to help you through it!!!  Instead of going to church less, go MORE!  Instead of letting the overwhelming feelings take away your desire to pray, use them to force you to pray!  Instead of letting the new altered time pressures rob you of time with God, make time with God the first priority so that you handle appropriately the new pressures.  You have to CHOOSE to hang on to the rock of your salvation, to run to your refuge, who is God. 

       I don’t want to ramble too long, but I do want to say some things for those of  you church folks who are willing to be tools God uses to keep those divorced folks close to God.  As a pastor, I have been around way too many struggling marriages, some of which ended in divorce.  I have been amazed many times at how often church friends will conclude that partner or the other is the better Christian, and the divorce is the other person’s fault.  The reason I have been amazed is that, having spent time with the couples in counseling, all too often church friends draw these conclusions based on outward appearances, and I have often thought….”if you only knew what REALLY had happened inside that home.”  So, if you want to help a person divorcing, stay out of it.  And be smart enough to not pass judgment on things you really don’t know for sure.  Don’t decide who is right and who is wrong.  Just let the one you are helping know that you care, that you are still their friend, that you are praying for them (if you really are). 

       The one other bit of advice I’d offer is this.  That divorcing person probably feels pretty awkward, even in church with the closest friends.  So it may be up to YOU to let them know they still are important.  Don’t neglect the person just because you don’t know what to say. That person needs your friendship now more than ever.  Give them a call, take them out to lunch, have them over for a game of Monopoly, send them a card, drop by a pot of soup or plate of cookies….tangibly express your love to them.  They may not come play Monopoly, or you may not hear about your card.  But your caring can have impact….it is something God can use, give God that opportunity.  Just don’t take in your own agenda….that person may need alone time, or to cry, or somebody to sit with at church, or somebody to stay with the kids a few minutes so they can run to the store, or……I don’t know, you are going to have to ask THAT PERSON. 

       And, by the way, you can also let them know this blog exists, and about the book coming out.  I have already seen myself that the blog and book can make a difference for individuals….and part of the purpose IS for you to have a tangible way to help a friend. 

      My heart grieves over the way satan has used divorce and church folks responses to divorce to drive great Christians away from God. Let’s reverse that trend, okay?

TL:dr  it isn’t too long….read it anyway, this one matters