Divorce Difficulties

Issues with the Ex

So was visiting with a friend the other day, and we were talking some about one of the big issues that arises after a divorce:  the issue of boundaries.  Sometimes, an ex will assume he/she is welcome to just walk into the house, especially if it was the house that he/she had lived in previous to the divorce.  And it is hard sometimes for the individual to figure out how to handle that, especially if the ex is a very forceful type individual. 

Even once inside the door, sometimes behavior can be very odd…..the visitor may try to look into other rooms, or sit uncomfortably close, or overstay the welcome you extended.  There is on word for this whole thing:  awkward.  Very awkward.  Especially if there are kids around who are witnessing the whole thing….how do you ask the kids’ mom or dad to leave, without appearing to be mean or vengeful? 

In some cases, divorced individuals do okay with this area, they are able to talk to each other, discuss appropriate and appropriate behaviors and boundaries to abide by.  But in many cases, there is often one person who is not able to willing to discuss these things rationally, and take everything personally and behave inappropriately.  So what do you do?

If you aren’t able to discuss these boundary issues, then a good next step is to define for yourself what you are comfortable with, and write it down.  Then take that information and include it in a letter or email to your ex (keep a copy for your own records, by the way).  The advantage of this is you don’t have to try to outshout them or get diverted from what you are expressing while providing clear guidelines you are willing to use.  But some ex’s still don’t respect the request, what do you do, then?  Some immediately jump to court and file restraining orders….which often creates a hostile situation and only provides “protection” after the fact……in other words, if they show up, you can call the police, but the police aren’t going to post a guard 24/7 to keep them from showing up. 

Instead, I suggested an alternative to my friend, a woman with two children at home.  My first thought was for her to always be out on the porch when he arrives, and simply do the discussion out there.  That often can settle the difficulty.  However, some people don’t let that discourage them….they are insistent about entering the home.  Another option could be to walk to the car and stand outside the car door, talking only through the window and thus, blocking their exit from the vehicle.  Again, not everybody responds even to that.  So, another option would be to have a supporting individual present when the ex comes by (realizing that often it is necessary for them to come to return the kids).  If you are a woman, asking a tall and muscular male friend to be there can be a good discouragement to some men (although some would pick fights instead).  Finally, if the problem occurs when children are returning from the other parent’s home, an alternative solution would be to arrange the pickup and drop-off at a neutral place…..”just bring them to the mall….I’ll meet you at such and so a place.”  (And you can explain a bit to the children in age appropriate information that you just want your home to be your private space….just don’t run down the ex while you explain.)  Or, if it isn’t a matter of children and the person refuses to cease, then perhaps one call to the police to report a trespasser would be enough to discourage their behavior.  

Bottom line:  this is all very stupid.  Nobody should even HAVE to try to figure out how to handle these things.  But some people just like to keep things stirred up.  Others like to “have their cake and eat it, too” thinking that they should be free to come and go as they please.  So if this is you, good luck…it can be a very troublesome problem.  Over time, though, the problem will probably fade and resolve itself as your ex finds other things to do with his/her time than snoop around your house.  By the way, if you have dealt with this yourself, and have some other good ideas to suggest, feel free to add comments to this blog. 

TL:dr  Ideas for handling a difficult ex.

Invited...

47%  ??????

Did you see the headline I ran across the other day?  A recent survey by the Pew Group (http://www.pewforum.org/Unaffiliated/nones-on-the-rise.aspx) reported that for the first time, Protestants are less than 50% of the US population.  They also mentioned a stat that I ran across elsewhere, that the fastest growing religious category in the US is “no religion.”  Why is that?

Well, people refer to lots of theories.  For instance, secular humanism gets blamed a lot…..how it has done away with people feeling a need for God.  Other people think the decline began with the Enlightenment, that the Age of Reason took God out of the middle of the universe and put the human mind at the center instead.  Some think the problem began with Darwin’s theory of evolution, replacing the Creator with the process of natural selection.  More recently, some blame things like moral relativism, by which people no longer feel guilt and therefore no need for forgiveness, or the rise of New Age eastern philosophy.  Some would blame the rise of busy-ness here  in the USA, such as Sunday sports activities for kids and schools that schedule programs during times that used to be considered reserved for religious education.  And, of course, there is also the good old, “Satan has been working hard.”  Probably, the list could go on for hours, to include things like deconstructionism, or the demythologization of scripture, or higher criticism, or competitive movements like Moonies or Scientology. 

I think there is another core cause.  I was visiting with a senior citizen recently, who told me about attending his Bible study group on Sunday, and how few were in attendance.  He then mentioned a picture (maybe on the wall?) of the class some years earlier that had over 30 or more people in it as opposed to the handful that day.  The question he raised with me was, do you realize what that means?  I know the answer he expected was something like, “It means so many of your friends have passed away.”  But that wasn’t what he got.  Instead, I said, “Well, what it means to me is that it would appear your friends have not been very good at inviting and including new people into their group.” 

We like to say the reason so many churches are struggling and the faith decline exists in this country is due to one or more of the things listed above (or not listed above).  But really, the core problem is not outside the church, but within the church.  The core problem is that we don’t effectively reach others for Christ, maybe because we don’t take seriously the urgency of that need, acting as if it can all happen later, or God won’t really punish anybody except the really bad ones we don’t like.  Or maybe we implicitly accept the notion that there are many ways to God, and we don’t really need to share the Gospel.  Everyone of these reasons flies in the face of clear biblical teachings.  The fault is not theirs, it is ours.  We don’t pray enough.  We don’t invite enough.  We don’t love enough.  We don’t care enough.  We don’t try enough.  We don’t value human souls enough.  We don’t take the Great Commission seriously enough.  We don’t risk enough.  We don’t trust God enough. 

It may be hard to hear, but does it really bother you that no religion is the fastest growing group in the U.S.?  Does it bother you enough to make you change your behavior?  Is God important enough to you that you will share what you have found in Him, and take more seriously the call to be His witness?  When you look back over your life, how many people have you shared Christ with, inviting them to give their lives to Him?  (Note, not how many believed, that is up to God….how many opportunities have you given for God to touch those hearts?)  Well, that statistic is just a statistic, and things change, but it is worth giving us cause us to think.   ALTHOUGH, for clarity’s sake, I also have heard that part of the decline in Protestant numbers is because many recent churches don’t fit in the technical definition of “Protestant” and are therefore counted in some other way.  Just thought I’d raise the issue.

TL:dr  Recent census numbers on the decline of believers should challenge us.

Tom Cruise and Marriage

Marriage Hospice

     So, saw on the cover of “People,” a picture of Tom Cruise and a headline about how tough his divorce has been.  It makes mention there that he is seeking answers in Scientology.  Without going into all of that foolishness, I would point out that headline as a clear insight into the reality of the crisis divorce creates that causes people to search for answers. 

     Churches have figured out that as an individual approaches the end of their life, that creating a ministry called, “hospice” is an important way to help some individuals through a tough time of their lives.  And yet, when we hear of someone getting divorced, all too often we have nothing to offer in our churches.  In fact, I have even known of pastors and church leaders who actively turn against individuals who have gotten divorced, sometimes without even knowing or inquiring about the full story.  No wonder people look other places.  And yet, it is such a prime opportunity to help individuals find the meaning they need when their lives are falling apart. 

     Maybe somebody should start a hospice for those who are losing their marriage.  At the very least, many of our churches need to learn how to better minister to people in this time of need.  Maybe you could become an advocate for such a specialized ministry in your church.  I can tell you from personal experience that such ministries are truly a godsend when you are in the midst of the divorce upheaval…..it hugely was for me.  Later, maybe I can make referrals or links to specific ministries, to give you some ideas.  In the meantime, there a people out there who could even just use a hug or a card that lets them know you are praying for them.  I still have every card that was mailed to me 14 years ago when people were praying for me.  But then, I’m kind of a sentimental sap, too!

TL:dr   The crisis of divorce creates a huge opportunity for believers to show God’s love.

A Broken Heart

Oaken Broken Heart!

  One of the most powerful images I experienced in scripture is found several places.  I most noticed it in Psalm 34:18, 147:3 and Isaiah 61:1 (you can look them up yourself if you want to do so).  These texts describe the unique and especially intimate way God cares for a select group of people.  That group of people is those who are broken hearted.  God promises to be near to them, and describes Himself as seeking up bind up and heal their broken hearts.  And that is a huge part of so many experiences in life, especially in divorce.  When a marriage ends like that, there are broken hearts all over the place.  One spouse’s heart may have been broken years before, as they* saw their marriage decay and their spouse fall so far short of what they had hoped and dreamed their marriage would be.  That is usually the person who files.  The one who is filed upon is often surprised, and their heart breaks as they experience this once beloved person turn against them in what feels like betrayal.  And, of course, the children’s hearts break as they see mommy and daddy fighting, crying or struggling.  And the grandparents’ hearts break as they watch their child and grandchildren go through the upheaval and agony of divorce.  Plenty of broken hearts to go around in a divorce.

  But not only in divorce.  Yesterday, I went out to the hospital early to see my 91 year old uncle who has decided it is time to call in hospice and end all the treatments, medicines and therapies.  I took my nearly 93 year old dad in with me to see his brother.  Lots of heartbreak in that room.  In losing a loved one, it is helpful when we see that the individual has lived a full and long life, but the truth is, one is never really ready to let go.  But we have to, ready or not. 

   Hearts break as boyfriends split up from their girlfriends.  Hearts break when long loved pets die.  Hearts break when hopes are dashed by test scores, rejection letters and pink slips from the boss. 

  You can tell already that this topic is dear to my heart (which has had it’s own share of breaks), and so you know it is well covered in the book itself.  But here I want to point out something simple in case you are experiencing some kind of heartbreak in your world.  When your heart is breaking, there is a unique and special opportunity to experience a precious intimacy with God, because in those tender moments, God chooses to draw near to you because of those wounds.  Don’t neglect to embrace those loving arms in the midst of YOUR heartache.

*For those of you who haven’t seen the book, I do explain in it that I DO REALIZE that grammar expects plural nouns to go with plural verbs, and when referring to an individual, we are supposed to use the singular.  But my thing is that I am frustrated that we haven’t developed an effective gender neutral pronoun (calling a person “it” just doesn’t evoke positive responses, unless you are playing tag).  So rather than have somebody ticked that I tried to include women in “him” or men in “she,” I choose to use the plural and let the grammarians pull their hair.  Just so you know.

TL:dr When our hearts are broken, God is near if we look to sense His presence.