The Power of a Snowstorm

SNOWSTORM STANDSTILL…

IS IT A SIGN?

A few days ago I was visiting with my sister and she described the huge shutdown on the coast in Washington state because of the snowstorm.  I am not always very sympathetic when the coasts complain about snowstorms.  It seems to me that when I watch the news media, there are often blizzards and deep snows throughout the plains and mountain states, but whenever it lands on the coasts, suddenly it is an emergency situation worthy of national news! 

I remember with a chuckle the time when Barack Obama was president and after arriving in D.C., they had a snow accumulation of an inch or so and shut everything down.  Then President Obama laughed and said that he was just flabbergasted that everything was shut down over such a small amount of snow, because back in Chicago it would have been considered a mere dusting and people would have been out playing in it (as close as I can recall his words).   And, as my sister pointed out, I need to remember that they have steep hills there that make a difference, and since they don’t get heavy snow very often, they don’t have the equipment to handle it.  I think the latter point is the significant one, because, last time I checked, Colorado gets lots of snow and has some pretty steep “hills,” but manages to handle snow crises in ways that help them keep going.  

Another fun example was when, a few years ago, my wife and I drove down to Dallas late one winter for a family event, and the whole city was paralyzed because they had a snow of an inch or two.  Driving into the city, as I observed people on the road, I quickly got off the four lane highway as it was obvious the people had no idea how to drive appropriately in the snow and were risking multiple accidents.  On the side streets, I ended up making much better time and avoided inexperienced drivers, even though those streets had not been cleared at all.

We are seeing snow all over the place this week.  I read an article from Flagstaff, Arizona describing their record snowfall, and have seen other reports of the snow down there, reminding me of the time we drove our exchange student to the Grand Canyon only to find that there was a record breaking snow storm then, too.  

As I write this, it is on the Sunday after our community received approximately another 8” of snow on top of the previous 5 or 6 inches still on the ground.  Crews have been out working through the night and morning.   (And, I might add, having driving into Omaha the day after the last big snowfall, these crews up here do a good job of taking these storms in stride!)  At the same time, I know some major highways nearby have had significant closures because of the storm, the drifts and accidents, so even here these things can have impact.

Today, many churches cancelled their services, yesterday when I stopped at a local bank branch they had a sign up announcing an early closure due to the blizzard conditions.  When I went dog walking this morning, I had to first shovel a path so we could get to the street since the snow everywhere else was too deep to walk in, and then off we went.

Flooding, blizzards, drought, earthquakes and other natural disasters can shut down human activity in a matter of minutes, can’t they?  

I have been in many an ice storm that left many homes without power in just a matter of minutes.  In fact, I have always been struck by the highways and roads that we put down which, despite the latest technology, often end up with potholes due to freezing and thawing, and upheaval of segments due to the same thing and heat exposure.  The best of our technology is really not as powerful as we think it is.  

These things remind me of the questions God asked of Job in Job 38-41, such as this passage from Job 38:22 (ESV)—

“Have you entered the storehouses of the snow,
    or have you seen the storehouses of the hail,”

Those questions asked of Job were designed to remind him that God is God, and Job was not.  Neither are we.  Snowstorms such as this one can remind us of how fragile the constructions of our lives are. Despite what we like to tell ourselves, we are not as in control as we think we are, nor are we quite as powerful as we might like to think. 

I like how this same concept is pointed out in Natalie Grant’s song, “The King of the World.”  Here are a few of the lyrics from this song written by Natalie Grant, Sam Mizell, and Becca Mizell:

When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world?
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small?
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world?

Just a whisper of Your voice can tame the seas
So who am I to try to take the lead?

Whether it is a snow storm, a drought, a divorce, a devastating illness or whichever of life’s challenges you face that just seem too overwhelming and leave you feeling powerless, I urge you to let those circumstances remind you that God is the King of the World and we are not.  

Let those huge events remind you to not make God small in your own life, to remember who it is who can tame the seas and who it is that can simply ride on the waves in a tiny boat.  And then, let it cause you to reflect on who you really lean on to get you through those tough times, your own limited knowledge and ability, or the God who is and always has been, the King of the World.  As I pointed out to my congregation recently, that phrase, King of the World, is a phrase common in Jewish prayers.  Sometimes it is translated that way, but there is another translation that I like, which reminds me of who God really is:  Master of the Universe.  

I haven’t seen the heavenly storehouses of snow any more than Job has, only the little bit that has happened to land near me.  Scientists today describe how these snowflakes are created, the various processes and temperatures involved.  I recently ran across of the  photographic work of Don Komarechka of Canada, which depicts the amazing construction of snowflakes…much more beautiful, delicate, intricate and varied than you might think. 

Don Komarechka Gallery

Just looking at the amazingly beautiful detail of this white stuff so many of us curse, and thinking of the artistry God uses to create this troublesome fluff, which only lasts but for a brief time before melting away, causes me to realize how amazingly great God is, and how much he cares about even the smallest of details of my life and yours.  

If only I can remember not to try to limit God to whatever box my little mind can concoct, when he is so much bigger, more powerful, more amazing and more caring than I can even begin to imagine.  

If there is snow outside your house right now, I encourage you to take a minute to look out at the beauty, at the artistry, at the amazing power of something as simple as frozen water, and then realize it is a demonstration of the God who can get YOU through anything life .brings, and will do so in amazing ways if you just let him be not only the king of the world, but the king of YOUR world, too!

Life After Divorce

I’M BAAACCCKKKKK!!!

Hello out there!  It’s been a while since I have posted a piece.  Sorry about that, I had hoped to get something out for you before Valentine’s Day, since that can be such a difficult time after a divorce. 

If you are one who really struggled this year, you have my sympathy, BUT, you also have now passed a significant milestone in forward progress.  

But I have been legitimately busy since I last posted.  Today is the one month marker from the birth of a new grandchild!  We got to see the baby shortly after her birth, and then again a few weeks later.  At the same time, we were working diligently on a number of hectic activities at our church, including a special marriage building dinner for couples in celebration of Valentine’s Day.  Out of that hectic context then, I am going to give you today’s thoughts.

I have shared in my books about the time a friend told me, as I struggled through my own divorce, that a divorcee she knew had told her that there is, “life after divorce.”  That truth was very hard to see at the time, but as we spent time with our new little granddaughter, the reality of it was right in front of my eyes. (Well, right in my arms, actually!) And then once again as we were part of our special Valentine’s ministry at church, the truth was reinforced once again.

In our case, when Nola and I got married, we each brought children from our previous marriage into the relationship.  Those of you who have had that experience know all the ups and downs, uncertainties and joys that come with such a merger. However, such a “merger” means that, for me, there are now more opportunities for grandchildren!  And that new grandbaby reminds me that, difficult though divorce is, both for the one divorcing and for the children caught up in their parents’ divorce, on the other side of divorce, life goes on. There will continue to be family gatherings.  Babies will be born.  The various ups and downs, twists and turns that life naturally brings…marriages, funerals, job changes and moves…all will continue to be part of the natural cycle of life.  Sure, a divorce leaves behind complicating factors such as working out holiday schedules in light of time children spend with your ex, or parent child relationships that can be strained due to a wide variety of factors, or even simply the impact of the financial drain that divorce brings with it.  

But life goes on…there IS indeed life after divorce. 

It can be easy for all the negative experiences and complications to drag you down, to absorb your attention and cause you to lose track of the good things that happen in life.  But then a new baby is born (or whatever your event happens to be), and you are reminded that there are good things in life as well, good things that would never have come your way had there not been a divorce.

For me, that includes the reminder of Valentine’s Day. Our little dinner church celebration also included live piano music in the background.  As our pianist cancelled at the last minute, a friend and I filled in. The music selections were the usual sappy romantic music.  As I practiced and played the songs, I found myself remembering a time when those kind of songs brought tears of sadness, because of the broken relationship of my first marriage.  But with this event, I found included were memories and tears of joy.  A song from “The Phantom” reminded me of the time my new wife (of 15 years now), procured tickets for us to go see a live performance at an unusual theater for a delightful weekend away.  Other songs reminded me that the dream of what being in love could be like is more than just a dream, it is something that can actually be experienced when you meet someone truly special who is truly committed to you.

Once again, it turns out there is, indeed, life after divorce.  A fresh start.  A new relationship can be different.  

LIFE GOES ON!

Sure, the pain and scars of divorce carry forward and, to some degree, shape how we experience life afterwards.  But there are plenty of other pains and scars that everyone carries with them from their past into their future.  And there are things we learn, things we appreciate, that only have the impact they do because of the experiences that were so difficult at the time, such as divorce.  A life after divorce that can be filled with lots of opportunities that would not have existed otherwise.  

For me, that reminder comes in the form of a little, tiny baby girl who is one month old today.  Your reminder may come some other way, but however you get there, especially during those dark and difficult days of life, never forget that life goes on, and as it does, there will be some wonderful experiences ahead!

Illusions

DECISION TIME—PART TWO

In the last blog, I began the discussion about how to know when it is time to leave a marriage or to stay.  

I ended with four suggestions:  1) not just because it is difficult; 2) not if some effort will turn things around;  3) consider it a last resort; and 4) be realistic about WHETHER you would be able to work out issues, make sure BOTH of you are willing to do so.

Having offered those pieces, let me follow up with just a few more thoughts.  Before providing my little list, let me remind you that the Bible gives specific grounds for divorce, although even with those grounds it doesn’t say you HAVE to divorce.  It lists specifically the case of an adulterous spouse and the case of a non-believing spouse who chooses to leave you.  I think one of the underlying principles of those situations is that in both cases, the relationship already isn’t a real marriage…there is no real commitment to love, honor, cherish, obey, etc.  That principle could be helpful as you sort things out, and those scriptures might help when you wrestle with whether God will be displeased if you divorce.  I would remind you that the same Mosaic Law that speaks of “a man leaving his father and mother and cleaving to his wife” also makes provision for the process of divorce.  Jesus said that this was given because of our hardness of heart, and as near as I can tell, human nature still contains many hard hearts…sadly, in this fallen world, there remains a need for divorce.   

So here are a few suggestions:

1)      Don’t fall for the fantasy that things would automatically be better with someone else. Every couple has to work out some of the same issues, and if you can’t work them out in the first marriage, don’t assume you would have the skills to do so in a second.  It DOES make a difference if a new marriage partner is different enough that you can work together on problems in a way not possible with your first spouse.  But that is not something you should assume.  Instead….

2)    Don’t leave until you are convinced that you really have done everything you could possibly do to make the marriage work.  Have you gone enough extra miles?  Have you truly forgiven 70x7?  Have you recognized the ways YOU contribute to the problems, and worked on YOURSELF to remedy them?  Because if you have not, you will bring the same problems with you to another relationship.

3)    Don’t leave because “We just aren’t happy.”  Even the Declaration of Independence doesn’t promise happiness…it promises the PURSUIT of happiness.  Happiness is a fleeting emotion.  Marriage is about much more than being happy.  It is about commitment, stability, agape love and forgiveness, endurance and, as the vows say, “for better for worse, in sickness and in health.”  You didn’t promise to stay married as long as you were happy, right?  Happy can come and go.  Some things of worth come powerfully, bringing satisfaction (or maybe happiness) AFTER the fact, not always along the way.

4)    Don’t leave your marriage until you first seek some godly counsel…talk to someone who really understands.  Not someone who will merely feel sorry for you and tell you how awful it is, and not someone who will merely quote little platitudes as if that will solve all your problems.  Someone who can realistically hear your struggles, challenge your thinking, share biblical perspective, help you evaluate wisely all your options, and someone who will challenge you to be more than you are, to take on the hard things.

5)    Don’t leave a marriage thinking it will solve all the problems. Many who have been divorced will tell you that divorce creates at least as many problems as it solves…and they are right!  Take time to research what the divorce will really end up costing you (and not just financially).  

6)    Make your choice in faith, not in doubt.  Romans 14:23 makes clear that operating based on doubt is NOT a good choice, but that our decisions need to be made in faith.  If you have uncertainty, seek God’s Spirit to provide you some assurance, some confirmation to help guide you.  It doesn’t necessarily mean you will “feel God’s peace” before you act, though some believe you will.  Often, I have observed, the peace doesn’t come until AFTER we have stepped out in faith.  Feelings follow faith, not vice-versa. 

7)    Force yourself to have an open mind and heart.  Even once you think you have decided.  Recognize that you just might be wrong, and allow God to show you that you may need to change your thinking.  I have an acquaintance who had that very thing happen, ready to leave her marriage, convinced it was time to go, she was confronted by her godly father, and returned to her marriage, resulting in a restored family and healthy relationship.  Don’t discount that kind of guidance.

8)    Don’t stay in the marriage based on deceptions and promises that you know by experience simply are not true.  Every battered woman has heard her husband or boyfriend tell her that he didn’t mean it, it will never happen again, and he wants to change.  IT IS OKAY TO RECOGNIZE THE TRUTH!  He or she may say he is sorry and wants to change…but if they aren’t willing to do what it takes to prove it, don’t be deceived. The old adage says, “Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!”

9)    Whatever decision you make, realize it doesn’t have to be the final decision.  You can choose to stay and make that best honesteffort…and later realize that you were wrong.  (But make it an honest effort…sometimes people set up a fake sort of trap to prove they are right, just waiting for their spouse to mess up so they can leave.) If you choose to file for divorce, you can always postpone the court date, or drop the case and reconcile instead.

10)  Don’t start on the course all by yourself.  If your marriage is in such bad shape that you are considering leaving, then choosing to stay means you need the support of friends, family, prayer partners and a good counselor.  If you choose to leave, you will need that same kind of support.  Either way, it may be a tough path ahead…you don’t have to go it alone.  And be sure to use the experience to draw closer to God for His support, which He promises to give.

Divorce is serious business.  People get hurt.  Lives can be destroyed.  Families end up broken.  Children suffer.  Finances and calendars become messy.  But sometimes, those things are LESS destructive than the marriage with extreme dysfunction and problems.  If you have been contemplating, or have a friend who has been, perhaps these little tidbits might help provide some direction and guidance.  In the end, we all make choices, and sometimes the path ahead isn’t so clear, so we just have to make the best choices we can, knowing sometimes we make mistakes, but sometimes we will get it right.  And God can use even our feeble attempts that look like mistakes if we listen to and follow His leading.

Evacuating!

DECISION TIME

I don’t know about you, but I have really felt for the folks who have been forced to evacuate homes in recent months, and sometimes for the last time.  Volcanoes in Hawaii and Guatamala, the aftermath of hurricanes down in Puerto Rico and Haiti, flooding on the east coast, and all the wildfires out in California.  Perhaps you have seen, as I have, stories of individuals who chose to ignore evacuation orders, and found themselves in peril as a result.  I was especially struck by the images I found on MSN of the news team in Redding, California giving their report and then having to evacuate in the middle of the broadcast 

On Air Hosts Evacuate

 It must have been pretty scary for those ladies and their staff, but they knew that concern for their personal safety in the face of impending disaster was more important than continuing their reporting. Good choice.  

Not to diminish those disasters at all, but there is a degree of parallel for divorce, wouldn’t you say?  That is, when you do determine that it is time to evacuate the marriage, and when is it too late? 

I used to teach an introductory speech class for a community college, and I remember one of my students who gave a speech on physical abuse in marriage.  She had resourced a story out of Redbook magazine some years ago, that told of a woman who had suffered abuse multiple times at the hands of her husband in Pennsylvania.  The story describe a time when he flew into such a rage that he attacked her with a baseball bat, hitting her in the head, and then threw her onto the floorboard of the back seat of her car and drove to Chicago.  She was dead by the time they arrived.  

Sadly, it is a fact that one can wait too long to “evacuate” from a dangerous marital situation.  Even more sadly, the stories of the “battered woman syndrome” describe how often some wives are willing to endure or persevere based on false hopes, ending up in situations like the one Redbook described.  And just as sadly, there are plenty of battered men out there, too, but many of them are very isolated, because it is often too embarrassing for men to admit they are being beaten by their wives, so they suffer in silence.  I knew of such a man, who would wake up to find his drunken wife over him, threatening to slice his throat with the broken neck of a beer bottle.

Then there are those who suffer, not physical abuse, but emotional and mental abuse, which can also be devastating and, like the men who suffer alone, invisible to those outside the marriage.  Individuals suffering this kind of abuse are like empty shells walking around, with the life snuffed out of them inside.  In cases like these, the question of when to “evacuate” is much more difficult to discern, because there are no physical wounds that show themselves to be life threatening, even though the person’s life is greatly suffering.

In many of the abuse cases of all sorts, the victim all too often blames themselves for the problem, often because they have been told they are to blame by the abuser. (Which, of course, is HOGWASH!) They then believe that if they can just be a little better, or change just enough, everything will be okay…not recognizing that unless the abuser is willing to take responsibility and work on changing, too, the out-of-control roller-coaster ride that is their marriage will continue on the same track.

Rather than make this blog overly long, I am going to propose a few points, and then follow up with a second part in the next blog.  The points are simple:

1)  Leaving a marriage just because it is difficult can easily be evacuating too early.  Studies show that couples who endure through the difficult years and work to make it out the other side can end up with a very rich marriage.  (Note—THEY work through the difficulties…it takes two.)  

2)  Don’t evacuate if you have the alternative of putting out the fire!  Sometimes a little effort can go a long way, and responding to difficulties with panic rarely leads to good results.

3)  As in the case of wildfire evacuations, divorce should be considered a last resort, not the quick solution.  But if you are in a life-threatening situation, evacuating earlier is better than too late, as the Redbook story shows.

4)  Be realistic about possibilities for working out problems.  When only one spouse is willing to make the necessary changes, or to accept any responsibility for the difficulties, to believe that everything will change because of one person’s efforts MAY BE delusional.  There are certainly many things one spouse CAN do that may help create the environment for change and improvement…but ultimately, it takes two to engage in creating a healthy relationship.

Many times, it is true, divorce is chosen too quickly, when there are better options available.  But there are also times when it may be the only solution short of God’s intervention. Next blog I will offer some ideas of how to sort out your own situation (or help a friend sort out theirs) when faced with the possibility of divorce. 

In the meantime, if you are having difficulties in your marriage, you might want to check out this recent two part blog by Les and Leslie Parrott.

https://www.symbis.com/blog/tips-navigating-inlaw-relationships

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Finding Strength in a Season of Caregiving - Free Sneak Peak!

A SNEAK PEEK!

You may have noticed that the next volume to come out is a collection of daily readings for caregivers.  I have chosen to make it 100 days instead of an entire year, but at some point might decide to produce an expanded edition, who knows!  However, since it is on the verge or publication, I thought my current connected readers might enjoy a sample as a sneak peek.  

Maybe you know someone who could use this particular book, too.  You will be among the first to know when it goes live, so please, share the news.  I selected a sample that I thought can be useful in many of life’s situations, though it is geared toward the world of caregiving.  Enjoy!

Day 5  Philippians 1:22-25

I had to make some decisions over the last few weeks, myself.  Such as, do you want him transferred to a bigger hospital?  If the situation turns bad, what measures do you want us to take and not to take?  Should we transfer him to another kind of rehab facility now, or wait a few more weeks?  I really don’t need to list for you all my questions; they are the same kind of questions as the ones you have probably had to face, or one day will.

In some cases, those decisions are less difficult to make because you have guidance from a living will or conversations you have had with your loved one long ago.  But even then, I would comment that helpful as these things are when making decisions, the emotional impact of it all can still be very strong on you.  I remember words of decision coming out of my mouth, voicing the guidance I had been given years before, but as I heard them out loud, it felt like signing somebody’s death warrant.  It was hard to walk away.  

One recent decision was apparently a real toss up, advantages and disadvantages whichever way I decided.  There were family members I could consult with, but they were not on the scene with all the observations you get first hand and time was of the essence.  Ultimately, it was my decision to make, so I made the best judgment I could based on the information I had or could get, and based on the reality of how things were that day.  

Sometimes, the path is not so clear.  Sometimes we are in situations much like Paul’s, where we could go one way or the other, and we have to choose.  We know our choices may result in consequences we had not foreseen.  It is the reality of life, the reality of caregiving.  Gather your information, seek appropriate counsel, ask God for wisdom, then make your choice and give the consequences to God.  Then walk away, knowing you did the best you know how to do in the situation with the knowledge you had at the time.

Why?

A DIVORCE DEVOTIONAL?

One time during an interview about my books, I was asked why I decided to write my book about divorce as a daily devotional.  If you will bear with me, let me show you a few things.  (The following verses are all taken from the English Standard Version Bible.) 

“The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

“Even my close friend in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted his heel against me.”    Psalm 41:9

“You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?”  Psalm 56:8

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.” Psalm 32:8

“All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out.”  John 6:37

”For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.”  Romans 8:18

 “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”   Romans 8:38-39

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:6-7

“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”  Deuteronomy 31:6

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”  Isaiah 41:10

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

Jeremiah 29:11

Do you see any possible reason why any of these verses could be relevant to a person experiencing the upheaval of divorce?  Unfortunately, very often the only verse that rings in the hearts and minds of people struggling with divorce is the verse from Malachi which says that God hates divorce.  But there are so many passages that can be so relevant in the difficult days of divorce, or as one seeks to rebuild their lives afterwards.  

There are many good resources out there for people in the midst of divorce.  There are support groups.  There are self-help manuals.  There are pastors and counselors.  There are caring family members.  But God is the most important resource available to help someone through the devastation and hurt that are so often part of divorce.  And God has promised to reveal himself through the words in the Bible for those who would truly seek him in its pages.  

Why did I write the books as devotional books?  Because if all people would ever receive from my writings is help from me, they will be far short of the help they really need.  But if somehow I can offer something that can help them hear God speaking to their own hearts personally through the words and teachings of scripture, they will have learned something that can help them for all eternity.  And that has been worth all the effort I have put into making these volumes available for people in divorce who need to know God still cares about them!