A Question for Valentine's Day

PLANNING FOR A TRULY HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY

You may have to bear with me today, it is going to be a roundabout journey to the point for this blog.  

It’s kind of funny, isn’t it, that the name of this coming holiday is actually SAINT Valentine’s Day?  It’s kind of like our Christmas friend, SAINT Nicholas.  In all the hubbub of celebrating with our presents and flowers and decorations and so on, sometimes we forget that even today, we are experiencing the influence of Christian leaders from many years ago.  While I don’t adhere to the same definition of the word “saint” that my Catholic friends often use, I do think it important to recall the source of some of these traditions…which is more than just the story of a man called, “Saint Valentine.”

You can find the story all over with a simple search on the internet, but the core is that a priest chose to defy the orders of the Caesar Claudius and provide Christian marriage for young men and women, for which he eventually lost his life.  The man was a believer, i.e. a believer in Christ, and a believer in love.  He chose to make those core beliefs more important than his earthly life, and thus we remember love in celebration of St. Valentine’s Day.

My question for you in preparation for Valentine’s Day, whether you are married, single, divorced or engaged, is to simply ask you to consider, what is it that caused this man to believe so strongly in love?  

There have been through the years many poets and songwriters who extolled the virtues and wonders of love.  There have been many who have sought to celebrate love, sometimes in ways that are not about real love at all.  But none of those folks ended up having a holiday dedicated to love that was named after them.  I think the difference is that Valentine knew the source of love, and that real love is not merely about a couple of human beings, but about the God who IS love, and who chose to create humans as male and female and then established marriage in the first place, blessing it with His love.

I have given Valentine’s cards since I was a child, as I suspect many of you have as well.  We used to decorate boxes or cans and take them to school, where our classmates gave each other hokey little cards as we ate heart shaped cookies with LOTS of frosting.  There was always a special one to give the teacher, often with a little present, and then, of course one for mom.  As the years progressed, cards, flowers, candy or other gifts were given to sweethearts, then to my wife, and shared also with my children.  It is all part of the celebration.  But maybe we ought to be giving Valentine’s gifts to the One who loves us more than anyone else possibly could:  

God.  

God showed His love by setting the example that Valentine followed…Jesus laid down His life for love.  Love for you, and love for me; love that paid the penalty of our sin so that we could share in His love forever and ever.  When we soak in the love of God, then loving others is a natural outcome of receiving His love.  Our marriages can be in partnership not merely with our spouses, but with our Savior as well.  The deeper we understand the nature of God’s love, the greater will be our celebration of love on Valentine’s Day and all year long.

So no matter what your status in terms of human relationships this Valentine’s Day, I invite you to prepare for the day by focusing first on deepening your appreciation and understanding of just how much God loves you.  A good way to do that might be to spend some time in what I call the Bible’s “letter of love:--the little book of 1 John way back at the back of the Bible.  It doesn’t take long to read, and it will remind you what true love really is.  

Happy Valentine’s Day!  To you, my reader, and to God, my Savior.

Valentine's Day and 1st Corinthians

LOVE IS…

Down through the years, love has been defined is so many ways by a great many people.  Some of those definitions are very moving, some tear jerking, and, frankly, some just seem kind of sappy/stupid!   Scripturally, love was not merely defined, but demonstrated by the love of God for us who gave his Son Jesus upon a cross to die that we might be set free from sin and live in eternity with him. 

For Valentine’s Day, though, I’d like to remind you, no matter your station or situation in life, of what I think is the greatest explanation of love I have ever heard, and that is Paul’s writing in 1 Corinthians 13:4-6.  I am going to share it with some comment below (using the English Standard Version in bold).  As you read it, if you are divorced, it may help you understand how far your marriage had been from what love really is.  And for each of us, it serves as a reminder of how far we have yet to grow in our ability to love well, since, after all, Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a celebration of love.

Love is patient and kind;  Does that describe the relationship you had/have in your marriage?  How patient?  How kind?  Many divorced folks will quickly identify how these characteristics had long gone by the wayside in their marriage, a clear symptom that the marriage was not a marriage of love.  Maybe it never was.  If you aren’t married, it is certainly something to ask yourself before  you take any relationship to a serious level.  Patience and kindness are hallmarks of love.  Many of us settle for something far less.  How about with your children…does you patience wear thin far too quickly?  Are the words that come out of your mouth toward them kind words, or do they bear the brunt of the hardships in your life?  Sometimes I think just these two aspects of love alone, if actively implemented, could turn around even the most broken of marriages.

Love does not envy or boast; Some people are so about themselves, there is nothing else they will talk about.  They are unable to rejoice at anything good that another person experiences, instead being filled with jealousy or envy because they wish it was the good had happened to them instead.  In the relationships of your life, are the ones you love as concerned for you as for themselves?  Or better yet, more for you than for themselves?  Have you been too sure that nothing was your fault or responsibility, boasting of how good a job you had done, that all the problems were the fault of your spouse?

It is not arrogant or rude. In your marriage, did you feel an equal, or like your partner thinks themselves better than you?  Was basic common courtesy and decency long gone?  These days, rude is such a common characteristic that if you are polite or considerate to another person, they see that as odd!  In a marriage, consideration should be the hallmark, don’t you think?

It does not insist on its own way; If I could tell you all the couples that have been in my study for counseling whose core issue could have been solved by this simple phrase, you would be astounded.  Do you have to have your own way?  Honestly?  Did/does your spouse?  I have known many people beaten down in a marriage that by this one single measure was clearly NOT a marriage of love. 

It is not irritable or resentful;  At this point, I kind of wish the description of love had stopped a few phrases ago, because I am sometimes a person who gets irritated far too easily.  To the degree I do with my wife, that is the degree to which I am NOT acting from love.  And resentful?  Are there things you resent in your relationship?  Like that you have to do more than your share of the housework?  Or that the times you have tried to do something nice for your spouse, they were neither acknowledged nor appreciated?  You see, all of these characteristics are a two edged sword.  We may easily see how our ex or even our current spouse does not fit these criteria…but the challenge is, to see how we do as well.  Growth does not come by focusing on somebody else’s shortcomings, only our own.

It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Sometimes it is too easy to point out the faults of others.  Those faults are always there, and if that is what you focus on, that is what you will find.  But it isn’t love if you do.  And how often do juicy bits of gossip cross your lips or ears?  Why do any of us delight in hearing those things?  Truth.  Ah, that is a challenge, isn’t it?  Could your relationship be described with the word true?  As in faithful, or as in honest?  Lots of married couples play lots of relationship games and live in webs of silly little lies, instead of dwelling in honesty and truth.  What deceptions have described your relationships? 

Love bears all things, Okay, so what are you willing to put up with?  What are the limits?  Do the words “all things” describe your answer?

Believes all things, Do the people you love know that you believe in them?  Have they believed in you?

Hopes all things, What are the limits at which you become hopeless?  What are the things you consider as impossible in your relationships?  Is your love lost because you no longer hope anything for the relationship?

Endures all things.  Too often today, nobody wants to endure anything.  If it gets hard, we quit.  We think it should just all come easy.  Some of the greatest love in marriage is never experienced because the couple weren't willing to endure.  They quit.  They gave up before the solution came.  Divorce is not how they gave up.  Divorce is actually the symptom of having already given up.  Sometimes it is one spouse, sometimes both, but the unwillingness to endure has shortchanged many people out of true love. 

It’s really quite a challenge, isn't it?  A lot more than candies with cute sayings on them, or red boxes filled with chocolate.  Love is a much more serious and challenging proposition.  Reading through those items, many would find that the marriage they lost did not even come close to an environment of real love.  Many will find that we have a long way to go, to be the kind of lover God desires us to be.  But, this Valentine’s Day, it could be a noble goal to choose this pattern as your aim.  Let’s review it one more time (or you may want to go back and reread the entire chapter in your own Bible).

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  ---1 Corinthians 13:4-6  ESV

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

Wrong on so many levels....

Can You Sue An Attorney For False Advertising?

I heard on the news that there is an attorney up in Michigan who is having some kind of contest by which he is offering a “no cost divorce” as a Valentine’s gift for some couple whose story is somehow deemed best.  Now  this just seems wrong on soooo many levels.  For Valentine’s Day….the day that celebrates LOVE?!?  Only an attorney could come up with something like this  If you don’t believe me, go back and read some of the ridiculous laws that are on the books…..things like sleeping in bathtubs or ice cream on cherry pie.  But basically, I think he is offering something that does not exist, don’t you?

Oh, I know, what he plans on doing in skipping his fees (which, of course, if you’ve ever been through a divorce means that he will probably select a couple who already has all the settlement worked out and agreed upon…not someone who is going to have to go to court time and again over issue after issue).  Don’t know how he plans on handling court fees, though….maybe he’ll donate them, too.  But really, don’t you think it makes more sense to discourage people from getting divorced if at all possible, rather than encouraging them to do it as a Valentine’s gift?

But the idea of a “no cost” divorce is crazy.   Try to tell that to the single parents out there, struggling to make ends meet on the one income of the household.  Tell it to the divorcee, eating popcorn for supper, alone in an empty house.  Or tell it to the children who only see one of their parents every other weekend, and one evening a week.  Tell it to the grandparents who didn’t get to see the grandchildren last Christmas because they were at “the other parent’s house.”  Tell it to the lonely woman, whose husband left her for a younger woman after 25 years of marriage.  Tell it to the divorced person going out on a date with someone he or she cares about, nervous about telling that person about the fact that they are divorced, feeling like damaged goods or second-hand merchandise.  Tell it to the couple who are in their second marriage, when they don’t have shared memories about the birth of their children.  Tell it to the kids of the “blended” family who are suddenly having to adapt to a new step parent whose expectations and discipline style are far different than they are used to in their house.  Tell it to the dad who lives hand to mouth while a major chunk of his check goes in alimony/maintenance to a woman who no longer loves him.  Tell it to the teachers at the children’s school, who have to make sure there are duplicate copies of grade reports and that the parent picking up the child today isn’t prevented by a restraining order from doing so.  Or tell it to the person who was divorce decades ago, but who still has moments of sadness when that anniversary comes around or pictures of long ago vacations fall out of a drawer. 

No cost divorce?  Really?  Don’t you believe it.  In today’s world, there are many who try to convince folks that is the truth.  But it never is.  Oh, I am sure there are those who pretend it doesn’t matter, that they just have moved on in life.  And there are those for whom the divorce was a necessary evil, to protect their safety and/or sanity.  And there are parents who manage to work together in an amicable way for the sake of the children.  But the fact is, the children will never again be able to experience growing up in an intact home with both biological parents present.  And the adults will never forget that they have experienced the trauma of a broken marriage and faded dreams, or feel the sadness of a failed marriage, even if they believe they gave it their best shot. 

The greatest attorney in the world could never deliver a “no cost” divorce.  However, we do have an attorney in heaven, who will help those heal who have had to go through one:  “My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. ² He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world.”  ----1 John 2:1-2 (ESV)

And our attorney, Jesus, ALWAYS keeps His promises, and always has our best interest at heart!

TL:dr  The costs of divorce are far more than financial.

Valentine's Day for the Newly Divorced and Widowed...Ten Tips

Top Ten Ways to Make Valentine’s Day Special for a Newly Divorced Friend....or your newly widowed friend

Ever see “When Harry Met Sally?”  Remember how awkward they both felt on New Year’s Eve when all those around them were kissing at midnight, and they were without dates?  Valentine’s can be even worse.  Want to help?  Try one of these suggestions:

(Valentine's Day Caveat....or consider your audience carefully.  When following the suggestions for sending cards, gifts or flowers, as well as an invitation out, gauge your relationship carefully. Be clear about your intentions!  One of the most unkind Valentine's Day gifts is mixed signals and confusing messages!)

1)  Send a Card---a real, paper card, that can be held, read and reread, and kept as a memento, can let someone know they are not forgotten.

2) Send flowers or chocolate---the usual Valentine’s Day gifts aren’t going to be there unless somebody like you sends one, again, just to let them know somebody cares. 

3) Send a flower to work---for a female friend, a simple bouquet or single rose at work can mean a lot, when all her coworkers are receiving bouquets and she might feel left out.

4) Be kind enough to NOT arrange a blind date---for some people, doing so could be a good thing….but probably NOT on Valentine’s Day.  If it turns out to be poor match, it would accentuate the awkwardness. 

5) Take your friend out to lunch—If you are celebrating with your spouse or special one in the evening, the lunch hour could be a good time to life your friend’s spirits. 

6) Give your friend a chance to talk—give him or her a call, stop by the office or home to visit, say hi, ask how they are doing, or just let the friend know you care.  Being a listening ear for someone struggling is a great gift…..but don’t overdo, don’t let your friend obsess into depression. 

7) Double date….maybe---if your friend isn’t freshly out, and if you aren’t overly pushy, and if your friend’s date is someone they already know and are comfortable with……an evening out could be a good thing, if it is a lighthearted time, it can be a real lift.

8) Politely check in with them---ask the day before, and the day after, about the holiday, their plans, their activities, their mood.  An open door ahead of time can help them be intentional and thoughtful facing the day, and the same door afterwards can provide a chance to process and vent. 

9) If you are single, too, consider spending the day together.  While Harry and Sally had a rather odd relationship, it is a good thing for friends to be able to spend difficult days together doing something fun.  Again, if you are doing this with a friend of the opposite sex, be wise---mixed and confused messages can create additional problems.  And the truth is, God can do more to help your friend make it through days like this, and to heal, than you or I ever could.

10) Pray for your friend---that’s right, it’s often overlooked, but the truth is, one of the greatest things you can do for a friend is pray for them. 

And the truth is, God can do more to help your friend make it through days like this, and to heal, than you or I ever could.

If this sounds like a bit of a kink in your own holiday plans, a real inconvenience, I would encourage you to remind yourself of a few scriptures.  If you think this is a good idea, I’d remind you of these same scriptures to give you some context to your kindness (all quoted from the English Standard Version):

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”---Romans 12:15

“Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”---Philippians 2:4

“Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”---Galatians 6:2

“Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.”---John 15:13

You see, doing this isn’t merely a nice idea, it’s following the example of Christ, it’s the essence of what it means to live like a Christian. 

Have a Happy Valentine’s Day!

Valentine's Day and Divorce...on the road to healing

Top Ten Valentine’s Day tips for the Newly Divorced

1)    Be Wise---Don’t go where you will stir up painful memories or set yourself up as an awkward fifth wheel.

2)   Be Healed---Allow yourself time to heal from the loss and grief of your divorce instead of caving to pressure and start to rebound date out of neediness and loneliness.  (Just because friends say, ”It’s time to get out there, to get over it” doesn’t mean they are right.)

3)   Be Joyful.  Don’t let your own loss overwhelm the day, find a way to do something to bring a smile to your face for Valentine’s Day.

4)   Remember, Valentine’s Day is a celebration of love…..so celebrate love…..with friends and family you love, or by showing love to someone in a nursing home or homeless shelter.

5)  Adjust..... If you have young children, don’t get wrapped up in yourself and forget them.  They, too, are experiencing a different kind of Valentine’s Day, and may need YOUR love and help to adjust.

6)   Celebrate love by spending some time with the good memories of your marriage…thanking God for the good times you had, remembering that it wasn’t all bad. 

7)   Do something special for yourself for Valentine’s Day…..buy a box of your favorite chocolates, nice dinner with a friend, or go to a movie.

8)   Get outside of yourself a bit.  Find somebody you can make the day special for….send flowers to that newly widowed friend, candy for a neighbor’s kid, maybe invite a lonely friend out to a play or ball game.

9)   Cry.  That’s right, weep a bit this Valentine’s Day, somewhere privately or with a special friend if you prefer.  You have lost something precious, and if you really ever loved your spouse, that loss hurts.  Part of valuing love is being able to grieve love lost.

10)  Read 1 Corinthians 13, to remind yourself of what love truly is like.  It may help you understand how far your marriage had drifted from God’s design for loving relationships.  And let it remind you how much God loves you, even if your ex doesn’t!