Don't Squander the Opportunities in Divorce

Divorce:  Falling Apart, But Getting It All Together

Had an interesting comment posted on my blog a few days ago.  The blog had talked about some of the things one can be thankful for in the midst of a divorce, knowing that during the dark days it can be very hard to find anything positive.  The comment was posted by a man named Jason Ratner, and he wrote:  “I am thankful that I am starting to see myself for who I am, not who my ex wife wanted me to be. I am thankful to not be put down all the time.”  What he said struck a note as I was working on another blog, and so I decided to raise some issues around Jason’s comment, issues discussed more at length in the books. 

I want to consider today, in these contexts, the issue that Jason raises in his post, the issue of who we are as people, and how who we are -  impacts our behavior during the divorce process and recovery -  and also in the shaping of the next chapter of our lives, including the way we step-parent.  As Jason suggests, in a bad marriage, it is easy to lose one’s sense of self…especially when stifled or abused.  Once a divorce enters the picture and separation occurs, there often can be a regaining of perspective, a rediscovery of the person God created you to be, a sort of rebirth of possibilities, if you will.  Making wise choices is crucial (and is a frequent topic in both volumes of my books, Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce), specifically because divorce compels one to make a fresh start. 

The truth is, our relationships bring out various parts of our personality and make differing demands upon us.  The parts of our character that impact our relationship with business associates may not include the same features that are important to our spouses which may also not be the same as those with our children, church friends or our ex spouses.  My business associates may be more interested in seeing my competence while a spouse may want to experience my kindness and trustworthiness.  And in all of it, there is the core person God has designed uniquely in each one of us, and the unique calling to grow like Christ in the midst of life’s changes, responding in a honorable way to the challenges that come to us.

It is a powerfully freeing thing to experience what Jason describes, being free to be who we really are, rather than always feeling the need to adapt oneself to unrealistic expectations.  I remember a friend once telling me that he had experienced in his second marriage being loved simply for who he was, he didn’t have to try to earn that love through changing who he was.  That is a precious thing. 

It is important, after the devastation of a bad marriage and divorce, to take time to regain some equilibrium, to discover afresh who it is God has created and called you to be, with all the characteristics that make you uniquely you, while being open to the possibilities of what God has yet to bring into being.  

There may be old habits that you are ready to shake off.  There may be forgotten enjoyments you want to cultivate.  There may be new acts of service you had always wanted to pursue, and are only now able to do.  Your own children may see changes, and perhaps realize they are seeing who you really are for the first time.  Although, it is also true that the children may not realize that you had been under stifling constraints before, or that some behavioral changes result from the extreme stresses you are struggling to overcome. 

At the same time,  it is important for the sake of your children as well as yourself, that you do your best to be true to who God created you to be, and to be consistent in character so that your children have some degree of stability in YOU, even though their home is falling apart and being restructured. 

So as Jason pointed out, the divorce process opens up the possibility for you to regain a good handle on the person God created in you.  My challenge to you is that you don’t squander that opportunity, because it will shape your choices and your relationships for the rest of your life.  Make a point to spend some quality time in God’s presence, inviting him to reveal to you things about yourself that are precious, and things about yourself that need to change or grow.  As you do so, the kind of person you are in the new relationships that enter your life will be the kind of person God can use, even as you adapt to the needs and moods of those around you.

TL:dr  While divorce creates great upheaval, it also creates opportunity to build a future of God-honoring integrity.

The Fight Is On... a guest blog by Janice R. Love!

Sorry to have been quiet lately, been kind of swamped with some health care issues and out of town trips.  Hopefully will be back on track a bit….

I promised a guest blog by my friend, Janice Love, author of the book, 1 + 1 = 10  A First Lady’s Survival Guide for Stepmoms, so here is her reality check blog, including some things that just might help some readers gain a bit of perspective.  Check out her website at www.stepwithlove.org   

The Fight is On!

The number one conflict in stepfamilies is related to the children, and the second is money. Early in our marriage we prided ourselves on never having an argument. We were a united force, because it was us against the world. Somewhere around year three, we began to draw biological lines in the sand and were disagreeing regularly, with eighty percent of our discord related to our children. Arguments came when we least expected. Our conversation may have started out very pleasant about what we were planning to prepare for dinner, and before we knew were in a full blown argument about food. 

In fact we argued about food from several different angles. Looking back now, we were arguing about FOOD!  I could never have imagined arguing with anyone about what to eat, how to cook it, who would cook it, how to eat it, when to eat it, or what to do with the leftovers.  But believe it or not, we had arguments about all of the above and then some. In fact I titled a chapter in my book "The Kitchen Wars."  I can laugh about some of those conversations now, but at the time, it wasn't funny at all.

Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife.  Proverbs 17:1 (NIV) 

Realize, that wherever there are differences, there will be conflict. When conflict comes, and trust me it will come, handle it without causing permanent damage to your relationship with your spouse and your stepchildren. When discussing delicate issues, make sure you are not trying to prove you are right and your spouse is wrong. Accept that you are different and  established pattern, behaviors and traditions long before you met one another. Learn to accept the things you cannot change and use discernment when deciding what issues to confront. As my husband says, "figure out which hill to die on!" Happy eating.

Step Parenting Anyone?

IN-STEP?

Met some new friends recently, another ministry couple.  She has written a book about being a step-mother.  I was telling another friend about it, and that friend immediately commented about step-parenting:  “I can’t even imagine.  How complicated that must be.”  Pretty insightful for somebody who hasn’t done it.  In her book, my friend talks about step-parenting and uses the term “in-step” as she discusses the challenges and finding ways to work them out.  I’m not done with her book yet…just got it over the weekend…but as I have been reading along, it is certainly a trip down memory lane!

Some of you may be saying to yourself, “So,what’s the big deal?”  I suspect that there are not many relationship issues more challenging that step-parenting and family “blending” which, by the way, is kind of a mythic term.  There may be shared parents, and shared space, and healthy relationships, but blending is probably more of a hope than a reality.  But on my dinner plate, various dishes can share the same plate and produce a wonderfully flavorful meal, even though they aren’t all “blended” together!  Sometimes they touch.  Sometimes the gravy spills over into the peas.  And that’s okay.  But I definitely don’t want my peas run through the blender with the mashed potatoes before they get on the plate.   A “blended” might just operate the same way, and that might very well be not such a bad thing.

So what is hard about it?  Well, let me suggest a few possibilities.  For instance, one parent believes in cell phones for the kids safety and has raised her kids that way, the other believes that cell phones are too much of a distraction for children, and they need to wait till they are in high school, and his kids didn’t have them.  The families merge…who changes?  And how do you communicate the values held dear while altering the practice those values had upheld?  A step-mother or step-father may use an expression or behavior that they have always used, even on that is common for their gender.  But in the spouse’s previous marriage, that expression may have been used in an abusive way, so when the child hears or sees it, what kind of impact do you suppose it will have?  And odds are, it was only at that moment the step-parent learned the history behind the difficulty.  There are plenty of times you will be compared to my “real” mom or my “real” dad (bio dad my friend calls them), usually only in scenarios where you come out on the short end of the stick.  Sometimes that is followed by the reminder that, “I don’t have to listen to you, you aren’t my real mom!”  It is always good to remind yourself at that point that God says children are a blessing from Him!

Or, sometimes one of the parents has been single for a while, and the eldest child has taken on extra responsibilities around the house, not quite like an adult, but definitely “momma’s little helper.”  Then, suddenly, there is this other adult now living under the same roof.  While it may be nice to have that step-parent around, the child can feel like their role has changed, and maybe not even be sure they are needed or wanted anymore.  And that new person who has come into the house may be perceived as a threat as they share their mommy with this new person.  Of course, all these things vary significantly with the ages of the children, the length of time the parent was single, the ages of the children (if any) that come with the new step parent, and a multitude of other factors.

And you are juggling all this while Christmas traditions undergo transformation as they alternate between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day year to year, or deal with ex spouses who try to interject themselves inappropriately or are excluded inappropriately.  As you handle these things, the children themselves are possibly juggling two sets of rules in two different houses that might be radically different, trying to negotiate uncertain waters at a tender age.  It may be harder to be a step child than a step parent!

Well, for all of you out there trying to navigate these uncharted waters, there are a few resources here and there.  There are so many variables, I doubt that you will ever find a guidebook with all the right answers.  You simply have to glean what you can, do your best, pray, and remember that the love you have for your spouse should be big enough to extend to your spouse’s children, or it isn’t much of a love commitment.  All we can do, is try to do out best.  Even without step children, we can only do our best when it comes to parenting, too, right?  Step parenting is just parenting…with lots of unexpected booby traps and complications thrown in!

I will let you know about my friend’s book and website later on, as she has been invited to send in a guest blog for you to read.  My friends and I are also talking about putting together some workshops that might offer some encouragement and insights…will have to let you know about that as they develop. 

TL:dr  Being a step parent is NOT an easy undertaking!