God's Will for Your Marriage

SEEING IT THROUGH??

Reading the last blog, as applied to marriage and divorce, one could deduce that I was suggesting that God ALWAYS wants people to see their marriage vows through, no matter what.  

Is that true?  

That is to say, does God want every marriage to work?  Does God want nobody to get a divorce?  Can God save EVERY marriage that is in trouble?  

Those questions are actually the kinds of questions Christians who are considering divorce or who have been divorced struggle with at times.  The answer is a difficult one, and also an easy one.  But applying such an answer with confidence can sometimes be not quite so simply.  Today, I hope to challenge your thinking in this area.

Does God want every marriage to succeed?  

Can God save any marriage, no matter what the problems?  

Let me answer that by analogy.  

Does God want everyone to come to Christ and be saved for eternal life?  Can God save any person, no matter how sinful?  

I suspect that, if you know scripture at all, you would quickly acknowledge that God most certainly desires that everyone be saved…2 Peter 3:9 is one passage that says so very clearly.  Can God save any person?  That is, does God have that ability, is there any person so far gone God cannot save them?  Of course not, God’s grace is far greater than any sin that drags us from him.  

However, you and I both know, not everyone does believe in Christ.  The problem is not that God isn’t capable of saving them; the problem is that some people refuse to be saved.  Theologians debate the role of God’s work and free will, but no matter how that theology works out, the fact remains that some people walk away from Christ rather than accept Him as their Savior.

It seems to me that makes a pretty good parallel for our question about marriage and divorce.  OF COURSE God wants every marriage to work.  In fact, I think everyone who enters a marriage covenant wants it to work, too!  

Can God make every marriage work and prevent divorce?  Of course God’s power is great enough to do that, but for whatever reasons, the world is not set up for God to force His will upon people who choose to reject it.  It isn’t the case in salvation, why would we think it to be the case in marriage and divorce.  

To complicate matters further, we are not talking about just one person, but two.  In many cases, one partner longs for the marriage to work, while the other refuses to do the work or make the changes necessary to make it happen.  Certainly a Christian can pray for God to move, to solve the problems in the marriage, to soften the heart of their spouse and rekindle their love.  But for whatever reason, God allows individuals to refuse to work on their marriage, even if one of the partners wants it to work.  Sometimes, God will do something that causes even the most hardened hearts to soften toward Christ or toward a spouse.  Sometimes, though, God permits individuals to continue down a destructive path.

The complication of two individuals and the impact each one’s attitude can have on determining the success or failure of a marriage was probably most concisely presented by my own attorney during the final days of my divorce proceedings.  The attorney had the final papers, which she went over with me and then pointed to where I was required to sign.  In Kansas, one can file for divorce on the grounds of irreconcilable differences, which is what my wife had done, so that was what was written on the paper my attorney asked me to sign.  I told her I did not believe the differences were irreconcilable, because I believe that if people work hard enough, actively seek appropriate help and are willing to make the necessary changes, any problem can be resolved in a marriage.  I frustrated my attorney, I am sure, because we went round and round the signature multiple times, with her pointing out that something had to be decided, and choosing not to sign could create a rather awkward situation.  

Finally, the last time I told her that I did not believe the differences to be irreconcilable, my attorney replied, “But if she is not willing to reconcile, doesn’t that make them irreconcilable?”  

I then signed the papers.

You see, what God desires, what His perfect will is may well be for every marriage to succeed.  God could make every marriage work, if both partners were totally submitted to God and to living lives that honor God.  But the world we live in is less than the experience of God’s perfect will.  Our world is fallen, tainted with sin, and people’s lives are cluttered with sinful behaviors, and their decisions affected by their fallen state.  God COULD save any marriage and resolve any problem, but sometimes one or both partners are not WILLING for God to save their marriage, just as some individuals are not willing to let God save them.  Whether it makes sense to us or not, that is how God has created the world to be.  

So, was God’s desire for your marriage to not end in divorce?  Of course God’s desire was for a great marriage in accordance with his will and ways.  However, as Paul pointed out in 1 Corinthians 7:15, sometimes an unbelieving partner will abandon a spouse.  Or Jesus mentioned several times that sometimes individuals will betray the marriage vows by committing adultery with another person…they, too, have left the marriage.  God’s desire is one thing, but when people get involved, things can get mucked up and something less than perfection results.  

So, bottom line, I encourage you to never rush into divorce.  Instead, give God ample opportunity to work in your life and the life of our spouse.  Do everything you can to pursue God’s perfect desire of a godly and healthy marriage.  But if the day comes when that great hope is dashed through the brokenness of this world’s fallen state, grant yourself the grace to accept that not everything is in your control, nor does life always live up to God’s greatest desires.  

That is why there was a crucifixion.

Following Where God Takes You After Divorce

Followup---

Opportunities as By-Products

So wanted to followup on the whole concept of the opportunities after a divorce.  There could be differing interpretations of what that might mean, though I think the last blog was pretty clear on what my intention was.  But many pursue divorce believing in another perspective of the opportunities, and I want to address that other point of view today.  That point of view basically is this:  “I will get a divorce SO THAT I have other opportunities to be everything I could be, because my marriage is holding me back.” 

I will say outright that I believe that kind of thinking is flawed, if not even a myth.  Yes, a divorce will remove you from a bad marriage.  But often a bad marriage ends up in a bad divorce…instead of being married to the person, you are divorced to them…entanglements don’t disappear, they instead become more complicated, and less about common goals.  Instead of spending all that time, money and energy on divorce and the aftermath, surely the best first option would be to spend the same kind of time, money and energy in the possibility of making a bad marriage better. 

“But what if my marriage is holding me back, suppressing my personality?”  Perhaps that is what truly is occurring.  But could it not also be that the close relationship of a marriage is challenging your personality, confronting you with areas of your character in which you need to grow, develop and see beyond yourself?  Certainly one of God’s purposes in marriage is to create a safe and loving environment in which we face the hard areas of ourselves that we might become something more than we are alone.

In my observation, many people who leave a marriage to pursue opportunities that they believe await them if they can only get away from their spouse, actually end up seriously disappointed and disillusioned.  

Kind of like the old saying about those who believe that “the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.”  It seems to me this faulty thinking is part of what sets up the statistic that second marriages suffer a significantly higher divorce rate than first marriages, and third marriages even higher.  

Because wherever we go, we take ourselves with us.  And if we have not been willing to face our issues when first confronted with them, we carry those same issues into the next relationship.  Running away from problems rarely settles any of our problems. 

But I do believe that, if a marriage has come to the point that divorce is the end result, then the new situation of life is the material God has to work with in our lives.  That is simply the by-product of being divorced.  I think this is true especially for a partner who has been abandoned by another.  I don’t think God’s desire is to set up a divorce for the purpose of creating opportunities in life.  I think his desire is for marriage until death to be the ideal pursued for which we put forth our effort.  But, just as God was able to take the cross of Christ and do something wonderful through it, or the sufferings of Paul and turn them into lessons he shared with us in scripture, so he can take the tragedy of broken marriages and create opportunities for something new. 

But those opportunities must be approached with sensitivity to God’s leading, if we are going to receive the blessings he seeks to create. 

There are many times in scripture where we find God taking the brokenness of individual lives and accomplishing something unexpectedly wonderful through them.  Perhaps the early bumblings of Moses is one of the greatest examples.  Or you may prefer the descent into the pit experienced by Joseph.  In both cases, someone who suffered severe reversals in life ended up being used by God for mighty deeds.  So while I would never suggest someone pursue divorce as an escape route to make opportunities for themselves, I would acknowledge that even divorce can end up being something out of which God can do something good and meaningful.  It is the story of my own life, and my prayer is, that it will be the story of yours if you have been the victim of divorce as well.  Seek God’s guidance in obedience, and he will get you there.  Maybe not today.  Maybe not tomorrow.  Or even next year.  But over time you will discover God’s hand upon you, helping you through to the higher plane he desires in your life.  

Wisdom for the Injured...and Refusing to Settle for Something Less

Happiness, Holidays and Healing.

I had to stop with three, otherwise I would have a 4-H sort of thing going, and that would just raise all sorts of copyright issues!  And, just to set the record straight, I DO like When Harry Met Sally, but I don’t know that I would really rank it as my favorite…primarily because I’m not a “favorite” sort of person, I like all sorts of things.  Although, would have to say, there aren’t many Meg Ryan shows I don’t enjoy…

Now, back to the topic at hand…the 3 H’s above.  The holiday season, for those who are not married, often creates a sense of unhappiness in the midst of everybody else’s “happiest time of the year.”  Seeing families and couples in the midst of holiday preparation and celebration can accentuate for single people that they don’t have that special someone around in their lives.  A divorced person adds to it that awareness that, in the not so distant past, they DID have such a person around, who is now gone.  The same is true for a widowed person.   I think the hardest of all are those who experience the reality that the holiday season have a high rate of divorce applications surrounding it, as if this holiday was the last hurrah.  So, instead of happiness, loneliness, sorrow, uncertainty and pain might be the experience.  Which is the harsh reality of our world anyway, that there are always hard things as well as joyful things, and we have to learn to handle both.

Because of these hard things, many people, especially out of loneliness, start intensely seeking someone to marry or at least to be with.  Perhaps you have seen, as I have, individuals who divorce, shortly after getting into another relationship that ends up being very shortlived and generally not very healthy.  Perhaps they get together out of the loneliness, or a neediness to be with someone, or even just a physical attraction and desire.  Sometimes I think there are some who seek that individual believing that if they can just get with the right person, everything will be okay, that, “I will be okay.  I won’t hurt anymore.  I won’t be lonely anymore.  I will be complete.”  Holiday loneliness can drive such an urgency.  But the truth is, all too often, these kind of relationships do not solve problems and issues, instead they exacerbate the problems and issues that are there, or maybe even create more of them!

Today, I just want to encourage my readers to be wise.  How much better it is to experience some inner healing before trying to start into another relationship.  Remember that young surfer who was attacked by a shark and lost a limb?  She didn’t get back on the surfboard that day.  She did get back on eventually, but first she allowed time for her wounds to heal.  We see the same thing all the time in professional sports.  When a player is injured, they are taken off the field or court.  They generally don’t come back out during the game.  And maybe not for several games.  They get back into the game once the healing is complete.  Although the wounds of divorce and broken relationships are not physically visible, and the healing is harder to identify within, the wounding still needs time for healing before an individual “gets back into the game,” so to speak. 

Imagine a football team on the field of players who are all injured, some limping down the field, others having arms that can no longer move to throw or catch a ball, and others walking around dazed because of their concussions.  I suspect it would not be very hard to defeat that kind of a team, don’t you agree?  So, by analogy, doesn’t it make sense that if you are going to get into another relationship, it would be wisest to do so when you are in good condition, when your wounds have healed up, when you can bring a more healthy YOU into that relationship?

Some talk about how many years it takes to heal from divorce, sometimes tying it to the number of years married.  I have heard one year of healing for every four or five years of marriage.  But too often, people rush back into the field of relationships half healed, like the players of the team I described.  Some people may do that to try to prove that THEY aren’t the people who are somehow to blame for the marriage, that THEY are okay!  But to rush back too fast increases the odds of another relationship failure.  And the statisticians say that in second or third marriages, the odds are already way against us. 

The best holiday gift for those who have been relationship wounded, is the gift of healing. 

I like that the prophecies about Jesus mention the phrase (echoed by Wesley in his Christmas carol “Hark the Herald”) “risen with healing in his wings.”  Christmas is about healing, healing of sin, sorrow and the woes of earth.  I encourage you to allow Christmas to remind you to seek the healing from God that brings wholeness, rather than settling for something less.  How much better it is for two people who have experienced healing and restoration to join together in marriage than for two still limping in pain to try to start something fresh in their weakened state.  If you have a friend or family member who you believe is rushing into a new relationship too quickly, though they may not be willing to hear what you have to say, it is still a caring thing to encourage them to consider slowing down.  As I have heard said many times, “If it is truly love, it will still be love in a year from now, because love can wait.”

TL:dr  New relationships are best pursued when healing is complete, not from the state of loneliness or desperation.

What Does Your Personality Say About Your Prayers?

PERSONALITY, DISORDER, DISARRAY, DIS-BLOG!

So what do you think of personality tests?  I think they are pretty useful, myself, though I usually flunk when I take them!  There are lots of personality tests out there and some are very interesting, others seem rather bizarre.  But one thing they all have in common is that, if you pay attention to what they are saying, you will discover that not everybody experiences or views the world the same way you do.  They don’t even all see it the same way I do!  

This is actually true for lots of reasons. With the Zimmerman trial, and the death of young Martin, we are hearing quite a great deal about your skin color and the country in which one grows up in can really shape how you experience events.  Our gender, our subculture, the chemical balance in our brain all combine to create an amazingly complex individual fashioned by a variable of factors throughout our lifetime.  These events and factors create our personality and shape our personality into different types - the personality tests seek to identify the ways in which various people experience the world and interpret the things they experience, and in so doing, help us understand why we think the way we do, as well as improve our understanding of other individuals.

 

Have you ever thought about a personality test in terms of your spouse or your ex?   Now if you were to ask my wife, she would tell you some silly story about personality tests and that I thought I should have her take one to decide whether or not I ought to continue to date her or not.  There is an event out of which she spins the yarn…but whether it is all she claims is highly debatable!  

The truth is, if you participate in any of the better dating/matchmaking services, a personality inventory of some sort is used to understand you and create your profile.  Well worth your time if you are hoping for a compatible match.  Many pastors, too, have some various personality tests they give to their engaged couples to help prepare them for marriage, by helping them understand the differences and similarities in their personalities.  Probably not a bad idea, because some personalities mesh much more easily than others. 

The truth is two individuals can experience the exact same event and interpret it in two completely different ways.  Which can be enriching in some situations, but in a marriage, it can be the grounds for lots of difficulties, especially if one spouse doesn't realize the role personality plays in the way we experience and interpret our realities.    Paying attention to the information from a personality inventory might make some individuals reconsider their choice of marriage partners long before they reached the altar.  At minimum, they wouldn't expect their spouse to we do!   

I’m sure that God’s guidance and wisdom can overcome obstacles in even the most opposite of personalities, and that the differences are often enriching to a marriage that might have been boring if we were too much alike, but the whole idea really raises some interesting possibilities, doesn't it?  I know that in my experience, the two different personality types of my first and my second wife have certainly played a big role in creating a vastly different relationship in my second marriage from my first, especially with all the things I learned about myself along the way.  Might be something to explore if you are considering getting married again, or even if you want to have a better understanding in your current relationships.

Anyway, perhaps you are wondering what got me started on all this in the first place.   Well, my wife showed me something she ran across on the internet that plays with the combination of prayer and the Myers-Briggs personality inventory.  I laughed enough I decided to pass it on to you.   If you are familiar with Myers-Briggs, you can jump on down to the prayer list below.  

Prayers for Myers-Briggs Types

(Click on the link above to go to the Liturgy website for the prayers!)

If not, it might be helpful to know a bit about the Myers-Briggs.  There are four categories in each personality type, and each category has two possible identifications.  The pair options are Introvert/Extrovert, Intuitive/Sensing, Thinking/Feeling and Perceiving/Judging.  I’m not going to explain much more, you can research it online.  And if you aren't familiar with it for yourself, I’d highly recommend checking into it…you can learn a lot with this tool, in my opinion.  Anyway, enjoy the prayers of the various personality types, and the source of the humorous piece.  Enjoy!

What Will Your Generation Do With This Church?

From Generation to Generation

You may recall in my last blog about the U.S. celebration of freedom, that I mentioned that it is up to each generation to do the things necessary to protect and preserve freedom for the next. 

I was visiting with a friend after that and we were discussing the churches, children and grandchildren.  She mentioned a person she knows who was very involved with her church who had a good sized family, and yet among her children and grandchildren, a very small percentage of those offspring are involved with church.  I know a number of families in which this same scenario plays out, and other families in which the children follow faithfully in their parents’ faith.  Coming on the heels of my Independence Day blog, it made me think that as important as it is for each American generation to protect our liberty to pass on to the next, it is even more important that we pass the faith on to our children and grandchildren.

Perhaps that describes your life.  As I look through the scriptures, I find many individuals whose children served God and followed in their parents’ footsteps.  Abraham is a great example of this…Isaac, Jacob-Israel, Joseph..the line is impressive.  But then one of the most celebrated figures in scripture, King David, had children whose lives were far from exemplary.  Later, King Hezekiah was a man whose relationship with God was pretty special, but his son, King Manasseh, was one of the most godless kings Judah or Israel ever had, (though he did repent later on).  I know that there are those who try to offer assurance that the children of believers will be people of faith if we are appropriate parents and believe, but the pattern of scripture is that though godly parents have a godly influence, providing an opportunity for their children to embrace the faith for themselves, children and grandchildren do not always follow in their parents’ faith.  Sometimes our influence may be more effective with people outside our family than with those in our family, much as we might prefer it not to be that way.  If it is, then we can pray and trust that God will have other individuals whose influence can impact those in our family who we seem unable to reach, because prayers accomplish so much more than we can accomplish ourselves.

It is absolutely critical that we take the preservation of our faith seriously.  God expects it of us, and the eternal destiny of millions depends on it. 

I have heard it said that the church is always only one generation away from extinction.  (Tried to find who first said it, but wasn't able to locate it…if you know, let me know, I’d wouldn't mind having the name.)   

A friend of mine discusses the decline in so many American churches, and how so many have lost the younger families.  She likes to inquire her faithful church friends who are of the baby boomer and older generations whether they have children and grandchildren who aren't involved with church.  She then asks whether they wish those same children were involved in the church and what they would be willing to do to get them involved.  Her final question is then: “Would you be willing to give up your kind of music if that would help them want to be involved?”  

While people will often say they would do whatever it takes, all too often we place limits on what we actually are willing to do, and as a result, those younger families get involved in other things more conducive to their experiences of life. 

In divorce, there is often a faith crisis for the children in the families, especially if one parent holds strong to their faith while the other is irreligious or openly scoffing.  But even if both are believers, the children can question what difference it makes to believe, if it doesn't protect one from divorce, because they don’t always see the whole picture.  Sometimes they can lose faith because they pray for their parents’ marriage, or that mommy and daddy will get back together again, but when they don’t, they can believe that God must not be real.  The hurts in the lives of children can drive them to God, or drive them away.  As divorced parents, we must do our best to be seeking Christ and being obedient to his will so that our children will see a genuine example of faith.  That seeking may lead us to reconciliation with our ex, it may lead us to remain single, it may lead us to build a godly home with our second spouse, but wherever it leads, it is our duty to do our best to maintain a quality witness for the sake of our children and grandchildren.  And it is our duty to be praying for those children, whether it appears that they are listening to God or not.  Manasseh was clearly doing wicked deeds despite his father Hezekiah’s example, but he later repented…God got through to him later in his life, at least somewhat.  As my wife wisely says in these kinds of discussions, “You don’t know what God is doing in their lives.”  And we don’t. 

So let me sum up a few thoughts on this whole discussion.  First, seek to be a genuinely godly influence in the lives of your children.  If you children follow in your footsteps, rejoice and continue to pray for them.  But if they do not, realize that even if your marriage had stayed intact it does not guarantee your influence of faith would have been different.  And so we pray for our children and do our best to continue to hold true to God.  But always keeping in mind that it is up to you and me, we who live in THIS moment in history, to do our best to make sure that the message of Jesus has opportunity to spread beyond this time and into the future for those generations yet to come. 

TL:dr  It is critical for each generation to carry to light of Christ effectively for following generations to see.