Watching Your Child Go Through a Divorce

When YOUR Child Divorces…

Once, in the early days of my pastoring experiences, I visited with a couple who were not too far from their 50^th wedding anniversary who were heartbroken as they watched one of their children going through a divorce.  I remember to this day the words of that father, as he told me, “I think it would be easier to go through a divorce myself than to watch my son going through one.” 

It was a sentiment I have heard many times since, and I was reminded of it just the other day as I visited with a woman who is a grandmother of children whose parents recently divorced.  I had just met this woman when she introduced herself, telling me she had bought my book at the bookstore and passed it down to her child, and was telling me how much it had been appreciated.  It was nice to hear, and it made me think about some things worth blogging about, I believe. 

Today I want to discuss some of the issues between such a parent and their adult child.  In the next blog, I will focus on the issues of grandparenting the children during the divorce.  Before I do, I would suggest that you not allow yourself to get caught up in some kind of self-deprecation, questioning whether you have failed as a parent and thus caused your child’s divorce.  Every parent makes mistakes, and sometimes really big mistakes.  We have to own that fact.  However, the adult child makes their own choices, and when there is a divorce, the child’s spouse also makes choices, and the responsibility for those choices rests with them, not with you.  If you feel you need to apologize or make amends, then by all means, do so.  But do not take on responsibility for somebody else’s life and their choices.  We each have enough responsibility for our own!

Sometimes the parent watches from the sidelines as their adult child makes poor or maybe vindictive decisions, not caring to hear the wise counsel of a concerned parent.  In other cases, they observe their adult child being victimized in the divorce process by a dishonest or abusive spouse.  There have been times I have known of parents who, in the process of divorce, discovered for the first time how much their adult child has suffered in an abusive marriage.  Brokenhearted for their child, the parent is often powerless to make a difference they might long to make.

So, what to do?  

A few thoughts for the parents, and perhaps later for the divorcing child might be in order.  

First, if you are the parent, realize you are never truly powerless.  It may seem trite to some, but the truth is that there is more power in prayer than the mightiest army on earth.  Pray for your child…even if you don’t know all the details of the marriage or the divorce, God does know them, and your prayer support brings the power of God to bear upon a difficult situation.

Secondly, while it isn’t healthy to be there as a rescuer, it can be extremely helpful to be available as a refuge.  Sometimes the child may need to get away for temporary shelter in your home, for an outing to dinner or a museum, or maybe even need you as an occasional babysitter or a bit of financial aid.  These are tangible things you can offer, but they are also things that you must be careful to not allow to become overly enmeshing or enabling (and sometimes the heartstrings make those boundaries difficult to discern). 

While you may be a good listener to the struggles of your adult child, it isn’t helpful for you to join an attack on the ex, or to try to solve all their problems.   A sympathetic ear can be very encouraging, but you may need to be careful, if you are “dumped on” too much, it may create too much emotional drain on YOU, making you no longer able to parent and grandparent effectively.  It may be wise to encourage them to develop friendships where they can also seek support, or help pay for a counselor who can provide useful support.  While it may be tempting, it usually isn’t helpful to be judgmental about poor choices made, although there is nothing wrong with occasionally expressing concern over inappropriate actions or choices. 

I have known of times parents have actively assisted their adult child during a divorce, sometimes in positive ways, sometimes in very questionable ways.  For example, I have known of parents who have assisted their child in secreting away money that should have been reported as assets to the court, believing that they are helping secure their child’s financial future.  While the intent is noble, it causes me to wonder if financial security is being sought at the expense of personal integrity and character, a choice that could have significant consequences later on.  I have seen parents who have washed their hands of the whole thing in various ways, with statements such as “you have made your bed, now lay in it” might suggest (not that I am opposed to natural consequences or the importance of personal commitment and responsibility).  Others have watched their adult child do abusive things toward their ex, and simply said, “oh well, he has always been a difficult person,” when challenging their child could have been an opportunity to make a difference in the kind of person they have raised.

I have never been the parent of a divorcing child, so I can only imagine how hard it must be.  Like most parents, I have had to accept choices of children or step children that I may not consider the best choices on their part, and have experienced the various heartbreaks that always comes with parenting.  

But I do know this:  the unconditional and healthy love of a parent can make all the difference in the world.  

Hang in there, they still need you, whether they are divorcing at the tender age of 20, or in their third divorce at the age of 55.  They remain your child, and though you cannot (and should not) solve all their problems, you can love them, pray for them, and care for them as you continue into the next stage of parenting them.  

And as you do, I encourage you to allow God to parent YOU, healing the heartbreak you experience along the way.   

TL:dr  It is a fine and heartbreaking balance between loving parenting and overinvolved enabling as one cares for an adult child experiencing divorce.

What's in Your Tool Kit to Help You Survive Your Divorce?

DIVORCE SURVIVAL KIT

With much of the United States having experienced harsher winters with power outages and dangerous roads that result in stuck vehicles, individuals have been aware that they need an emergency kit to get them through the temporary difficult time.  Food, water, something to help keep warm…that sort of thing.  

Divorce can be similarly disabling.  What items might be a in a kit to survive the temporary experience of divorce proceedings? Of course, there are some you wish you could take, that tend not to be real life, such as unlimited finances for tough times, or magic salve that can take away all the pain.  But even without those, there are some valuable things that ARE realistic to help you through.   Here are some suggestions, in no particular order:

1)      A good sense of humor--someone told me to find something that brings joy at least once a day

2)    Support network--make sure you have friends and family you can turn to for encouragement and strength, including safe places to mourn the loss of the marriage and the hurts you experience

3)    Medical attention--you may need medicine to help with depression/anxiety, and your immune system may drop with the stress

4)    Distractions--it is a good thing to have something to focus on sometimes besides your own situation, a place you volunteer, a group you are part of, meetings you attend, projects you are working on, that sort of thing

5)    Responsibilities--this can be a job, caring for the children, pets, helping parents, church offices…someplace that your contribution matters

6)    A guide--a pastor, counselor, confidante…someone with whom you can discuss the feelings you have and the decisions you face who is able to give you some objective feedback

7)    Reminders of your worth—some things that remind you of contributions and differences you have made in the world, things that illustrate you CAN do something, and you ARE of value…because it is easy to lose track of that when divorce is beating you up

8)    Dreams- -to counter the hopelessness that can come, even one thing you are looking forward to in life, whether a trip, a change, a challenge, whatever…something that can give you hope for the future

9)    Reservoir of love--out of which you can continue to offer the love you have to give, to those who are able and willing to receive it, your children, your friends, your family.  Just be careful that you don’t get ahead on this one and mistake love for inappropriate needy relationships started too early in vulnerable days

10)  Faith--to remind you to Whom you belong, and that you don’t walk alone, to give you patience to endure and trust that God is still in charge, working for your eternal good

I didn’t want to add it to the list, but it is true that a good attorney who will look out for your interests does make a huge difference.  If you think of others, feel free to add comments to share with others who might read this blog.

An Important Investment in Marriage

NO COST MARRIAGE!

If you wanted to be a welder, you need to take some kind of classes or apprenticeship.  If you want to be able to do CPR, you need the classes for that, too, even though you may only use it once or twice your entire life!  If you want your business to succeed, you are going to have to invest some finances into it, either as startup capital or maybe in paying for a college or tech school education to prepare you.  Here in Kansas, even if you want to drive a car, you have to go through some kind of class or training, and prove yourself competent.  

But if you want to get married, all you have to do is find somebody else willing and show up at the ceremony with a positive answer!  Isn’t it something that one of the most profound and difficult challenges we will ever face in life…to love, honor, till death do you part, etc…requires no or little training?

Another way to look at it might be in terms of finances.  These days, couples spend literally thousands and thousands of dollars on the few hours of the wedding ceremony and celebration, using hours upon hours of meticulous planning to make sure everything goes just right.  And some couples spend thousands and thousands of dollars on attorneys to dissolve the vows from that ceremony. But those same couples balk at the idea of spending a few hundred dollars, or a few hours a week, with a marriage counselor, or taking marriage classes as a way to learn how to make this most important of human commitments viable, meaningful and successful.  We’d rather spend the money on the ceremony or the attorneys, when, as with any other venture in life, a few wise investments along the way can yield bountiful results and great cost savings in the long run.

Parenting is the same way.  As was pointed out in the movie, “Parenthood,” there are no qualification requirements to be given permission to have a child…any and all kinds of people become parents with no training or preparation about what is necessary to raise that child.  We do what we think based on whatever examples we have seen…good or bad… and what we guess is a good idea, but to really have been properly trained? 

We observe this in parenting, and are so open to parenting classes, videos, books and tons of other resources as we seek help.  But all too often I have seen that individuals who could really benefit from marriage counseling/classes/retreats/books balk at the idea as if going to those things is tantamount to failure.  In reality, NOT seeking the guidance that could come or at least seeking to learn how to be a better marriage partner/couple is what leads to failure!  And in those cases, the times I see couples finally go to counseling, one or both of them has already given up and is only going through the motions.  Sometimes I am wrong, but not often enough.

Today’s blog is very simple.  I have had many plants in my life who, if they could speak, would bear witness to the fact that NOTHING grows without adequate nurture and care, and many of my plants have turned brown to prove it to me.  

If you are divorced, and may be getting remarried someday, my question is, are you going to do the work it takes to make a new relationship work, or are you only going to invest in the wedding ceremony? 

If you are married, whether the first marriage or not, are you investing seriously in the success of that relationship, or are you merely skating along assuming it will survive?  

Frankly, I think we’d be better off having a $25 wedding ceremony, and a $25,000 dollar marriage if we had to choose, don’t you?  Choose and invest wisely, that choice will make a difference for your entire life!

TL:dr  A good marriage requires real investment, investment we often neglect until it’s too late

Unfinished Business in your Divorce

AMBUSHED!!!

Or at the least, Blindsided!

Many people who are divorced will see this words, and remember the day they were served with divorce papers unexpectedly.  Or ways they felt ambushed by their ex during the process of divorce with one filing or court order after another.  And the words can certainly apply to those experiences.  

However, I am thinking of a different kind of experience that occurs in the days post divorce, the kinds of experience that catch you off guard, and yet bring healing and forward motion in spite of how they feel.  Let me illustrate.

There are some times when the ambush or blindside IS directly related to actions by an ex spouse.  Times like when you attend parent/teacher conferences at the school, and discover that the teacher didn't prepare a second copy of a report and your ex took the only one without mentioning that another parent would be along.  

Or you can find yourself in an awkward situation when you are in a discussion…maybe making plans with the kids, or interacting with a friend…and then a comment is made that completely undermines your expected result.  Such as giving a child a Christmas present, only to find that your ex already gave them one.  Or talking about plans for a birthday party, only to find that the child has been promised they could go visit grandma on their birthday instead.  Or when you visit with a friend about an experience you had, only to find that the waters have been poisoned with the spin your ex put on the story previously. 

Episodes like the above are all events that directly result from actions and decisions by your ex.  These, of course, can be difficult, and foster anger, resentment and frustration.  If done intentionally, or even with flagrant disregard for your rights or feelings, they can bring a lot of pain, and stir up a lot of history.  These kinds of things happen almost inevitably in one fashion or another.  They become the opportunities to understand on a deeper level Jesus’ command for us to forgive “70 x 7.”  Much as we don’t like them, they do build character and cause you to decide whether you are going to be a forgiving person or a bitter person who harbors grudges!  I wanted to acknowledge these “ambushes,” but they are not the ones I want to focus upon.

 

There is an another context in which one is “ambushed” or “blind-sided” after a divorce.  The ambush is not one brought about by your ex, but one the stirs from your own emotions and memories.  There are moments that suddenly cause your heart to stop, perhaps in dread, perhaps with painful memories, perhaps with a sense of loss or even a sense of guilt. 

Have you ever had a song come on the radio, and then unexpectedly found yourself back in a time in life long since past, perhaps a difficult time of marriage or an ancient argument?  I remember once opening a box and discovering a long lost item I had looked for but been unable to find.  It stirred up feelings of anger as I remembered packing up all my things during the divorce.  Another time, an individual may run across a child’s toy, and find their eye stained with tears as they recall a happier time, now shattered by divorce.  It happens in all sorts of contexts, whether in hanging Christmas decorations, stumbling across an old Valentine, driving pasts an old favorite restaurant, opening an album of photos, seeing an old rerun on television…the list is endless.  But the items on the list all have one thing in common:  they open you up to unfinished business.

These episodes remind us of things from our past, and either help us to realize how far we have come, or reveal to us that we have yet to forgive and yet to move on.  They can become treasures of memories from that time causing us to celebrate the good, or plagues that force us to face that there are ways we are still living in our past and carrying harbors of anger or resentment.  The question, of course, is, “What do you do when an ambush forces you to see things about yourself you would rather not see?”  Some people build on the reserve of anger, blaming the ex for all that has been done.  And the truth is, sometimes the ex does deserve the blame for problems he/she created.  But how your respond to those things emotionally is NOT about your ex….it is about you. 

With each of these events, we have the opportunity to lay to rest a troubled area we may not have realized was still there, or to affirm the good that existed we may have forgotten as we wrestle with the pain and loss of divorce.  And making those choices wisely moves us toward healing and wholeness.

When one is divorced, it is tempting to think that life would have been so much different if only…  

...If only I hadn't married that person, 

........if only we had gone to counseling earlier,

.............. if only I had been a better spouse, 

......................if only he/she hadn't divorced me, 

................................................if only whatever…then life would not be as hard or I wouldn't have the pain or any number of other imaginings.  

While there may be some truth to those conclusions, the truth also  is that even if you never divorced, there would be memories that are difficult, disappointments that had come, heartaches you would have experienced and hopes that would have been dashed.  Life is just that way.  Not everything goes the way we think it should, and brokenness is rampant in this world.  Yet God is at work in it all, shaping us, teaching us, healing us, making us to be more compassionate beings, to be more like Christ.  You may have been blind sided, but God was not.  In fact, God may well orchestrate these little events for the very purpose of setting us free from the things that have held our hearts and minds hostage.  Think about that, next time you find yourself “ambushed” by life!

P.S.  Hey, I’m in the final stages of editing another book that I hope to publish soon.  I’m not sure the method I will use, and would appreciate prayers for the project.  It is a life based fiction…I’ll keep you posted.

TL:dr  The unexpected events that prick our memories are opportunities God can use to prick our growth as well.

Maximum Effort: Saving a Marriage

Please welcome guest blogger today; Glenn Machlan, Bible Translator with Youth With A Mission.  Currently, Glenn is translating the scriptures into a language spoken in a remote village in the Philippines   His work is the first translation for this language. 

“I did everything I could”

 

After my wife left me, I heard some people in similar circumstances say that they had done everything they could to save their marriage, but it wasn't enough. Every time I thought, Did they really do everything they could? Who really does that? Who is that perfect? I was certainly aware of wrong things I had done, and good things I didn't do in my marriage. So I thought it was incredible that there were people who had been that good in their marriages. And yet there have still been many times when I've thought, I wasn't bad enough to deserve that! Which I suppose, when you come right down to it, is the same thing!

Still there’s a persistent idea in our humanness that if we do a certain amount of good, then we deserve certain good results. And we are shocked and offended if we not only don’t receive good results, but actually suffer instead. And if you’re like me, you can easily wallow in self-pity. 

Shortly after the roof collapsed in my marriage, when I was falsely accused, I was encouraged by 1 Peter 2:13-14. “Now who is there to harm you if you are zealous for what is good? But even if you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed.” (ESV) It was amazing to think that this would be the source of my blessing, but it helped me avoid self-pity at the time. (Of course, many times since then I have had a hard time believing I was blessed, and self-pity seemed to be a good friend!)

About that same time, I watched the DVD of “Fireproof.” The message in the movie seemed to be that if you do all the right things, your marriage will be good, or will at least survive. But that seems to be a very legalistic approach to marriage and to life. I thought it was interesting that in the film that even when the main character had finished the Love Dare, his wife still wasn't sold on staying with him. It was only when he took the sizable amount of money he had been saving for a boat and used it to help her parents out that her heart was melted. I thought, Great! What can I do of that magnitude? I knew that God is capable of doing anything, but in my situation it was going to have to be Him doing the heavy lifting if things were going to change. It wasn't going to be anything I did, unless God opened up the opportunity and gave me the power to take advantage of it.

Several years ago I read a Christmas mystery by Anne Perry, and she made a profound point through one of her characters. A young woman had surprised people by turning down the proposal of a handsome, charming, wealthy young man, and instead married his younger, seemingly less attractive brother. The reason she chose the younger brother was because the older one was not a forgiving person, a very wise decision indeed. She recognized that marriage is not the coming together of two perfect people who can then enjoy each other’s perfection, but the joining of two rather imperfect people in constant need of forgiveness. What life is like for us as Christians, in perpetual need of God’s grace and forgiveness, is also what life is like for us in relationships, but especially a marriage relationship.

I’m reading the book Assaulted by Joy: The Redemption of a Cynic, by Stephen W. Simpson. A big part of his ‘redemption’ happened when his wife gave birth to quadruplets (and the rest of us should thank God every day that He hasn't so blessed us!). Coping with four needy babies put an incredible strain on their marriage and they – both psychologists – started to see a marriage counselor. One day the counselor pointed out that Stephen didn't like his wife to see his flaws, a revelation to his wife. “In that moment, things started to change. We started giving each other more grace. I started trying harder, and it worked because I was motivated by love for Shelley rather than fear and resentment….Shelley and I started to see

each other as we really were: broken, imperfect people who were trying to love each other and our kids.” 

That’s it! We don’t do everything right, or everything we can, but there is forgiveness and acceptance and grace that covers our sins and empowers us to do better.

Finding God in Christmas

Is Anyone Out There?

Did you see the other day the report of evidence on Mars that it may indeed have been able to support life at one time?  And there was one about a planet similar to earth possibly in some remote solar system.  Have you ever heard of SETI?  The organization whose name stands for Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence, and their mission is to find other intelligent life forms out there.  There are those listening stations, monitoring the sounds from space and hoping to discover a message from something or someone way out in the somewhere.  And when we send out our space ventures, such as the old Voyager, there are things to indicate who we are as the origin of the device, in case somebody or something way out there finds it.  In fact, I have been amazed at the number of shows on the History channel that deal with topics such as aliens who visited earth long ago, or maybe not so long ago, and similar searches for other kinds of life forms.  There is a hunger for something to be found, and when anything pops up indicating the possibility of some life form, it makes BIG news!  The question is whether anyone is out there, whether we are alone or not.  Some people invest their entire life’s work into answering that question. 

There are lots of sci-fi shows and books with all sorts of alien life forms.  Even the recent surge of cartoon character movies of superheroes who originated elsewhere and are assigned to watch out for us, while there are the other creatures whose inclination is to destroy, the earth.  One of my favorites was the Men In Black series of movies.  Have you noticed that these beings are almost always technologically very far advanced over, and of much greater intelligence?  In many cases, they are also imagined to be so morally superior that they pity the poor, misguided humans who are always on the verge of destroying their planet and one another. 

If any beings like that actually exist, isn’t it just as likely that they could be much more stupid, very backward and morally bankrupt?  In most imaginations, even if the beings described are evil, they still usually end up more advanced than we are.  You never see dolts driving spaceships.  They tend to remain on the freeways of earth.  Maybe the only life forms on those planets are nothing more than bacteria and slugs.  Maybe a super mosquito here and there. 

It’s funny that there is so much curiosity, and so many efforts made to search in hopes of finding some evidence somewhere of some kind of life beyond our world, there is a desperate hunger to know that we are not alone.  

And yet, all the telescopes are pointed at the great beyond in their search, hoping to find the answer out there.  Instead, if they would turn the telescopes toward Bethlehem, they would find the clear answer that was given many centuries ago:  Emmanuel—God with us.  The whole point of the title name given to Jesus is that, starting with the birth of a baby in a manger long, long ago, God stated emphatically in human terms:  NO, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  GOD IS WITH US! 

Unfortunately, some people aren’t satisfied with that answer, they want someone or something to be out there, but they want someone or something else!  Perhaps because, if they admit that God IS there, then the following question is what our obligation is to that God, what God expects of us.  I do think this entire issue, so clearly associated with Christmas, is also extremely relevant for individuals experiencing the intense loneliness that often accompanies divorce.  

Though your spouse may have left you, though you may have to celebrate Christmas with your children gone to another house, Emmanuel.  You are not alone.  Ever.  Because God does exist.  And he cares for you in a way nobody and no thing else ever could.  Best of all, you don’t need a gigantic radio telescope to find Him.  Just open your Bible and read…”And it came to pass that a decree went out from Caesar Augustus…”

Your Chance to Help a Friend....

Last Minute Tips for Last Minute Help

So, approaching Christmas quickly…if you are wanting to help your divorced or divorcing friend or family member over the holidays last minute, how about these suggestions:

10) An “Open Now” Christmas card with a little extra cash or gift card…money may be tighter than you know.

9)   If they are going to special services at church Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, be a friend, sit with them.

8)  Better yet…invite them to go WITH you…offer to pick them up, then they don’t even have to walk in alone.

7)  Do you know when their kids won’t be around?  Include them in some of your plans during that time, just not the ones that are “overly family,” as it can remind them too intensely of what they are missing this year (kind of the old fifth wheel thing with a twist of grief mixed in).  In these things, even if they turn you down, being invited means a lot.

6)  Plan now to stop by the day after, and give them a chance to debrief what might have been an emotionally difficult time.

5)  Use some of your time together to discuss their plans for New Year’s Eve…might be a lonely time.

4)  Offer to help some with the holiday meal, if they are planning one.  A guy might not feel competent to cook well, and might appreciate a pie or a little help in the kitchen.  A gal might be thrilled to not have to clean the kitchen all by herself afterwards. 

3)  Share some extra Christmas goodies…fudge, cookies, whatever…just being thought of counts.

                                                                                                                            

2)  If appropriate for your relationship, you could choose to buy the person a really special gift, in place of the one that previously would have come from a spouse.

1)  And most of all, pray for the person.  As much as it is taken for granted, prayers of those who care make more of a difference than many of us realize.  Even just a short mention during prayers at meals, or silently in your daily devotional time, your prayers may be the very ones that keep them going, whether you ever realize it or not.  You might even drop them a card, letting them know they have been in your prayers.  I still have the cards sent to me by those folks almost 15 years ago!

A Biblical Christmas Divorce?

The Divorce That Almost Altered Christmas!

The biblical Christmas stories describe some of the most significant moments in life:  the opening of human minds to encounters with God, an engaged couple looking forward to marriage, the joy of learning one is about to become a parent, the welcoming of a new baby into the world, a divorce situation.   What?  A divorce? 

There are not that many references in the Bible to people who got divorced, but there are some.  And there are several that are implied, such as the woman at the well and her five husbands.  But did you ever consider that one divorce almost ended Christmas before it even started?  In Matthew’s nativity story in chapter one, there is the interesting account of the time when Joseph found out that Mary was pregnant, and as a result, was going to divorce her before they got married.  In that culture, the engagement had a more binding impact than here in the United States, and so the process of breaking an engagement was more formal as well, so he would have divorced Mary in order to break the engagement!  Could you imagine how the Christmas story would have been impacted had the angel not convinced Joseph that Mary’s pregnancy was a miracle of God, rather than the result of promiscuous behavior? 

Not only that, but in reality, Jesus was ALWAYS raised by his step-dad, anyway.   I think step parenting is tough enough already, could you imagine trying to be the step dad of God’s own Son?  Talk about feeling like the other parent is looking over your shoulder!  Although, it says a lot about what God must have thought of Joseph that he was willing to entrust the raising of Jesus to him, as well as Mary who we often notice as being such a quality person. 

But all in all, has it ever occurred to you that divorce IS a part of the Christmas story?  Granted, a divorce that ended up not happening, but there it is, right smack dab in the middle of this most celebrated of birth stories.

There is something I find very interesting, though, in the whole account, that might be very telling for those of you struggling with the guilt of divorce today.  Did you notice the description of how Joseph was going to pursue the divorce?  Matthew says that since Joseph was an honorable man, he was going to divorce her quietly.  That’s actually kind of an intriguing thing to say, don’t you think?  Consider the fact that Joseph was described as an honorable person affected HOW he was going to get divorced, not WHETHER he got divorced!  The scripture does not indicate that his plan to divorce was a stain on his character.  There is no moral or value judgment stated against his honor at all in the matter, even before he is counseled to go through with the marriage.  Just a simple statement of fact.  As if it was perfectly natural to understand that, given that Mary was apparently unfaithful, it was only to be expected that he was not going to marry her, that he was going to pursue divorce. 

Of course, once the angel explains the true situation, he is willing to comply with God’s desires.  But had it not been for that angel, or for the fact that Joseph was a man of great faith and honor, the whole Christmas story may have had an entirely different ending.  And yes, the divorce didn’t occur.  But the tone of the passage makes plain that in such cases, divorce was a real option, one which apparently was an acceptable choice for even the most honorable of people in certain circumstances. 

I don’t know if you ever thought about Christmas and divorce in this way, but even that first Christmas was one that brought with it memories of divorce.  We know this is true, because those memories are recorded right there in the story.  Every person whose family life has been touched by divorce knows what it is to have Christmas memories and celebrations colored, at least to some extent, by the experience of a broken marriage.  But, I would suggest that, also like the story of Joseph and Mary, obedience to God can change the story into one that brings glory to God and joy to the world!  

Don't Squander the Opportunities in Divorce

Divorce:  Falling Apart, But Getting It All Together

Had an interesting comment posted on my blog a few days ago.  The blog had talked about some of the things one can be thankful for in the midst of a divorce, knowing that during the dark days it can be very hard to find anything positive.  The comment was posted by a man named Jason Ratner, and he wrote:  “I am thankful that I am starting to see myself for who I am, not who my ex wife wanted me to be. I am thankful to not be put down all the time.”  What he said struck a note as I was working on another blog, and so I decided to raise some issues around Jason’s comment, issues discussed more at length in the books. 

I want to consider today, in these contexts, the issue that Jason raises in his post, the issue of who we are as people, and how who we are -  impacts our behavior during the divorce process and recovery -  and also in the shaping of the next chapter of our lives, including the way we step-parent.  As Jason suggests, in a bad marriage, it is easy to lose one’s sense of self…especially when stifled or abused.  Once a divorce enters the picture and separation occurs, there often can be a regaining of perspective, a rediscovery of the person God created you to be, a sort of rebirth of possibilities, if you will.  Making wise choices is crucial (and is a frequent topic in both volumes of my books, Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce), specifically because divorce compels one to make a fresh start. 

The truth is, our relationships bring out various parts of our personality and make differing demands upon us.  The parts of our character that impact our relationship with business associates may not include the same features that are important to our spouses which may also not be the same as those with our children, church friends or our ex spouses.  My business associates may be more interested in seeing my competence while a spouse may want to experience my kindness and trustworthiness.  And in all of it, there is the core person God has designed uniquely in each one of us, and the unique calling to grow like Christ in the midst of life’s changes, responding in a honorable way to the challenges that come to us.

It is a powerfully freeing thing to experience what Jason describes, being free to be who we really are, rather than always feeling the need to adapt oneself to unrealistic expectations.  I remember a friend once telling me that he had experienced in his second marriage being loved simply for who he was, he didn’t have to try to earn that love through changing who he was.  That is a precious thing. 

It is important, after the devastation of a bad marriage and divorce, to take time to regain some equilibrium, to discover afresh who it is God has created and called you to be, with all the characteristics that make you uniquely you, while being open to the possibilities of what God has yet to bring into being.  

There may be old habits that you are ready to shake off.  There may be forgotten enjoyments you want to cultivate.  There may be new acts of service you had always wanted to pursue, and are only now able to do.  Your own children may see changes, and perhaps realize they are seeing who you really are for the first time.  Although, it is also true that the children may not realize that you had been under stifling constraints before, or that some behavioral changes result from the extreme stresses you are struggling to overcome. 

At the same time,  it is important for the sake of your children as well as yourself, that you do your best to be true to who God created you to be, and to be consistent in character so that your children have some degree of stability in YOU, even though their home is falling apart and being restructured. 

So as Jason pointed out, the divorce process opens up the possibility for you to regain a good handle on the person God created in you.  My challenge to you is that you don’t squander that opportunity, because it will shape your choices and your relationships for the rest of your life.  Make a point to spend some quality time in God’s presence, inviting him to reveal to you things about yourself that are precious, and things about yourself that need to change or grow.  As you do so, the kind of person you are in the new relationships that enter your life will be the kind of person God can use, even as you adapt to the needs and moods of those around you.

TL:dr  While divorce creates great upheaval, it also creates opportunity to build a future of God-honoring integrity.

Wisdom for the Injured...and Refusing to Settle for Something Less

Happiness, Holidays and Healing.

I had to stop with three, otherwise I would have a 4-H sort of thing going, and that would just raise all sorts of copyright issues!  And, just to set the record straight, I DO like When Harry Met Sally, but I don’t know that I would really rank it as my favorite…primarily because I’m not a “favorite” sort of person, I like all sorts of things.  Although, would have to say, there aren’t many Meg Ryan shows I don’t enjoy…

Now, back to the topic at hand…the 3 H’s above.  The holiday season, for those who are not married, often creates a sense of unhappiness in the midst of everybody else’s “happiest time of the year.”  Seeing families and couples in the midst of holiday preparation and celebration can accentuate for single people that they don’t have that special someone around in their lives.  A divorced person adds to it that awareness that, in the not so distant past, they DID have such a person around, who is now gone.  The same is true for a widowed person.   I think the hardest of all are those who experience the reality that the holiday season have a high rate of divorce applications surrounding it, as if this holiday was the last hurrah.  So, instead of happiness, loneliness, sorrow, uncertainty and pain might be the experience.  Which is the harsh reality of our world anyway, that there are always hard things as well as joyful things, and we have to learn to handle both.

Because of these hard things, many people, especially out of loneliness, start intensely seeking someone to marry or at least to be with.  Perhaps you have seen, as I have, individuals who divorce, shortly after getting into another relationship that ends up being very shortlived and generally not very healthy.  Perhaps they get together out of the loneliness, or a neediness to be with someone, or even just a physical attraction and desire.  Sometimes I think there are some who seek that individual believing that if they can just get with the right person, everything will be okay, that, “I will be okay.  I won’t hurt anymore.  I won’t be lonely anymore.  I will be complete.”  Holiday loneliness can drive such an urgency.  But the truth is, all too often, these kind of relationships do not solve problems and issues, instead they exacerbate the problems and issues that are there, or maybe even create more of them!

Today, I just want to encourage my readers to be wise.  How much better it is to experience some inner healing before trying to start into another relationship.  Remember that young surfer who was attacked by a shark and lost a limb?  She didn’t get back on the surfboard that day.  She did get back on eventually, but first she allowed time for her wounds to heal.  We see the same thing all the time in professional sports.  When a player is injured, they are taken off the field or court.  They generally don’t come back out during the game.  And maybe not for several games.  They get back into the game once the healing is complete.  Although the wounds of divorce and broken relationships are not physically visible, and the healing is harder to identify within, the wounding still needs time for healing before an individual “gets back into the game,” so to speak. 

Imagine a football team on the field of players who are all injured, some limping down the field, others having arms that can no longer move to throw or catch a ball, and others walking around dazed because of their concussions.  I suspect it would not be very hard to defeat that kind of a team, don’t you agree?  So, by analogy, doesn’t it make sense that if you are going to get into another relationship, it would be wisest to do so when you are in good condition, when your wounds have healed up, when you can bring a more healthy YOU into that relationship?

Some talk about how many years it takes to heal from divorce, sometimes tying it to the number of years married.  I have heard one year of healing for every four or five years of marriage.  But too often, people rush back into the field of relationships half healed, like the players of the team I described.  Some people may do that to try to prove that THEY aren’t the people who are somehow to blame for the marriage, that THEY are okay!  But to rush back too fast increases the odds of another relationship failure.  And the statisticians say that in second or third marriages, the odds are already way against us. 

The best holiday gift for those who have been relationship wounded, is the gift of healing. 

I like that the prophecies about Jesus mention the phrase (echoed by Wesley in his Christmas carol “Hark the Herald”) “risen with healing in his wings.”  Christmas is about healing, healing of sin, sorrow and the woes of earth.  I encourage you to allow Christmas to remind you to seek the healing from God that brings wholeness, rather than settling for something less.  How much better it is for two people who have experienced healing and restoration to join together in marriage than for two still limping in pain to try to start something fresh in their weakened state.  If you have a friend or family member who you believe is rushing into a new relationship too quickly, though they may not be willing to hear what you have to say, it is still a caring thing to encourage them to consider slowing down.  As I have heard said many times, “If it is truly love, it will still be love in a year from now, because love can wait.”

TL:dr  New relationships are best pursued when healing is complete, not from the state of loneliness or desperation.

When Harry Met Sally..... and your Divorce!

Harry And Sally and Holiday Friendship

The holidays are just around the corner, with music, garland, candles and party horns.  For the recently divorced, they are also filled with lonely days, broken dreams, painful reminders of love lost and scheduling nightmares.  For those whose lives have moved on after divorce, new memories and traditions have often replaced the old, creating a new overlay of feelings of hope and new life.  But even after children have grown and moved away, schedules and relationships can still be hampered by time demands and expectations by one’s ex.  This time of year, filled with joy in so many homes, can be a season of heartache and loneliness for many, not only the divorced, but those now alone through widowhood as well.   I’d like to pass along a couple of suggestions for the upcoming season, whether you are the one divorced, or if you have a friend who has experienced it.  I have been reminded especially of this as I learn of several in my social circle who are experiencing divorce in this time. 

My first suggestion addresses the area of loneliness.  Just because you are now “alone” and your spouse has gone his or her own way, does not mean you need to be lonely.  If you ever saw the movie, “When Harry Met Sally,” then you may recall the arrangement the two leading characters had with one another, that if they ever had a holiday…notably New Year’s Eve, in which they were going to be alone, instead they would find a way to be with one another as friends.  Thinking ahead about those times when you may be alone, and especially feeling the loneliness that could come with it, can help you prepare alternatives to going through uncomfortable times of loneliness.  Probably a clear example could be that if you have younger children, it would be wise now to start considering plans for the time they will be away from your house to visit the other parent.  And, if you would learn their lesson, one of the best ways to plan is to arrange to be with someone else who will be facing potential loneliness. 

Let me add, as an aside, that some would warn that you make those plans with someone of the same gender, lest you end up creating confusion or giving false impressions with your friend.  Personally, sometimes I found that to be true, but there were other relationships in which a member of the opposite sex and I had clear discussions about our friendship and expectations, and so understood we were not interested in dating.  In any case, however you choose to handle it, I encourage you now to identify some of those times that might feel particularly lonely or painful, such as sitting alone at a Christmas Eve candlelight service, and begin making arrangements to avoid unnecessary hardship.

 The other suggestion I would like to offer is along the same lines, but with a different twist.  If you choose to not put yourself in loneliness producing situations unnecessarily, then consider going one step further. 

Instead of focusing solely upon how YOU will feel in that time, is it possible you could find another person or persons who have needs that you could meet by using that time to minister or care for THEM?  

In other words, look out for somebody ELSE’S best interest, needs, or feelings.  Be the one who helps somebody else conquer their loneliness by offering your friendship.  I can guarantee you our world is full of people who long to know that somebody cares.  Some of them live in nursing homes.  Others work in sheltered workshops.  Still others are just walking out of the divorce court themselves.  And others have just left a loved one in a cemetery.  YOU could be the key that could make all the difference in another person.  If you begin to look for people who need a friend, and for ways to make that difference.  You may find your holidays transformed into something more special than you imagine.

Oh, and by the way, a wise friend reminded me during my lonely days that though I might feel lonely, I was never truly alone.   Because we have a God who promises to never forsake us.  Don’t forget to include Him in your holiday plans, too!

TL:dr  Holidays can be lonely, but less so if you plan ahead and involve yourself with others

After Divorce: A Black Friday Resurrection

BLACK FRIDAY LESSONS---DIVORCE STYLE!

In the United States, today is Black Friday.  It is the day after Thanksgiving (only now, too many stores start it ON Thanksgiving….I boycott those stores, myself), on which businesses try to lure customers by offering special one day only deals.  Or, as friend told me the other day, it is the day when, after having given thanks for all the stuff we have, we spend the next day going out to buy more stuff!!  However, from the business side, supposedly it is the day that consumer spending enables stores to shift from being “in the red” to being “in the black” by starting to turn a profit for the year. 

Similar terms are used to describe the day the stock market tanked, the several times that has happened.  Or, I know of an place where new administration came in and fired a lot of long term employees so that cronies and friends could be hired in their place.  Other long term employees saw what has happening, and chose to slip out the door by choice a bit later, and were also replaced by cronies.  Those employees referred to that day of firing as Black Friday, and you may know of similar usages yourself.  But in divorce, Black Friday may be applied to other experiences.

Instead of seeing Black Friday in the positive sales kind of way, some of us may apply the term to the day we were served divorce papers, filed for divorce, were thrown out of our homes by our spouses, or when the divorce became final and we grieved the end of a marriage.  That date may be indelibly marked in your mind when the calendar rolls around, or, if you are like me, you may not be so good at remembering dates, but can certainly recall the awful experience.  (And, maybe you also relate to a subsequent time period that some of us call, “The Great Depression.”)  But like Good Friday of the Easter Season, which some traditions refer to as “Black Friday,” out of these awful times, resurrection can come. 

Financially, the stores talk about the day they turn a profit.  Many divorced people experience great financial upheaval, even taking bankruptcy as they seek to pay off their attorney fees and manage the bills on their own after the court ordered financial alterations.  (By the way, I have yet to meet a person who feels like the financial court orders were “fair.”)  Some say that it takes as long as ten years to regain your financial footing.  And I know it can take even longer, especially if an ex has a special affinity for going to court.  In that case, you may be like the businesses, and rejoice when your Black Friday comes, and you are finally able to make ends meet, and feel a bit of the stress lift as your financial world finally gains some equilibrium.

But for me, Black Friday sales are a reminder of how far we have gotten from the core of what Christmas is all about, and the same can be applied to Hanukkah.  Hanukkah is a reminder of a time when God made special provision for his people, revealed that he was with them at a time of deliverance through the miraculous burning of the temple menorah.  But as with Christmas, shopping has almost taken over, and Santa is on every corner with reindeer, while those outside the church clamor for celebration of Winter Solstice instead of Christmas.  The Christ child in the manger is all but forgotten.  And yet, the greatest Christmas present ever given was when God gave his son, born in a manger, to come as our Redeemer, dying on the cross for our sins that we may live eternally if we choose to accept through faith the gift he purchased. 

If you are struggling in a time of divorce, the Black Friday deals may be very tempting, as you seek to manage Christmas on a very tight budget.  But I want to encourage you to allow the financial limits to help you restore a more meaningful focus to the holiday.  

Let go of the rush to buy the perfect and most expensive gifts, or even to compete with your ex in what kind of gifts you give.  Instead, find a new way to restore in your celebration reminders of the true meaning of Christmas, the most perfect and timely and beautiful and precious gift ever given.  “For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son.”