THE TROUBLESOME EX—PART TWO
TOP TEN ACTION TIPS
a.k.a.
Sending Ricin to Blackmail Hubby Won't Solve Your Problems!
So have you heard about the Texas
actress, Shannon Guess Richardson, in Texas
1)
In all your
communications, stick to specific issues dispassionately…don’t chase rabbits or
explanations and go into long self defenses.
2)
A friend’s wise
advice to me was to put things into a win-win situation, where I sought what I
needed by also offering what my ex needed in exchange. (Having a good support group of wise friends
can be very helpful!)
3)
Document
everything…time of meeting, topic discussed, inappropriate actions suffered, keep
hard copies or duplicate files of every email sent and received or text
messages, and, if possible, also every voice mail. In addition, you should document agreements
not kept and court orders not honored.
Make copies of any checks written/received and consider registered mail
for items sent.
4)
Develop a tough
skin, don’t let the person get to you…they know your buttons and will push
them. Time to rewire! Remain calm and direct, save your venting for
afterwards with a friend or out in the wilderness where you can shout or cry to
your heart’s content.
5)
Be clear, firm
and insistent on specifics, in a timely fashion. For instance, let her know several weeks
ahead that you expect to be with the children on Father’s Day/Mother's Day and will pick
them up at a certain time. If there are
objections, sometimes a simple, “nonetheless, I expect to pick them up at that
time,” can go a long way.
6)
Sometimes a copy
of the court orders can be helpful. In
the scenario just mentioned, you can send a copy of the relevant documentation
with the appropriate passage highlighted.
7)
When the other
person responds well, express appreciation, and even find a way to reciprocate
to help reinforce the kind of relationship you are seeking to develop.
8)
When the other
person makes demands that ARE within appropriate bounds, respond in a positive
way, such as, “yes, of course you can pick the children up at 7:00…it is
important for the kids to have time with you, too.”
9)
In cases of high
emotions, it may be best to set boundaries in terms of communications, sticking
only to letters, emails and voice mails rather than direct interactions, lest
you fuel the emotional firestorm between you.
10)
With a
particularly abusive or invasive ex, it is a good idea to always arrange any
necessary meetings or child drop offs at neutral locations, and bring a witness
with you….they may be less likely to cause problems publicly.
And if nothing else works, there do seem to be some
extreme cases, in which you may need to move to another town and simply start a
new life as the only way to be away from the issues of dealing with your ex as
often as you do. Bottom line, it just is
NOT an easy thing to deal with, and each situation is different. Pick up tips from others who have dealt with
it in the past, and hang on…for this, too, will pass!
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