Choosing your Church Carefully after your Divorce...

His Church?  Her Church?  

No Church?

You are in the middle of a divorce.  Everything in life goes into upheaval.  One person stays in the home, the other is forced to leave.  Somebody has more time with the kids, the other is handed leftovers.  Friends, what do you do about friends?  Some were your friends as a couple, some were primarily friends of one or the other, and some may surprise you because their loyalties go in the opposite direction from that expected.  Sometimes things even go so far as that one of the two of you end up deciding it is best to move to another town.  

But there is one more area that can be very tricky indeed.:  church.  

Hmmm.  What do you do about church?  Somebody said to me the other day, as we were talking about this very subject, that clearly, someone has to leave and find a new church to attend.  Do you agree?

Many people outside the church (and granted, some inside as well), perceive the church as a place you go to attend a service called worship.  But if you are actually an active participant in your church, and truly are seeking to grow in your relationship with God, then you experience church as so much more.  For people like that, church is the place of nurture for your spiritual life, the group of individuals God uses to give you the support, guidance and strength you need to stay close to God.  The experience of church is one filled with meanings from the past and hope for the future.  It is the environment in which you entrust your children to individuals who will help them learn the ways of God, and in which your wrestle with understanding those ways for yourself.  There are many other things one could mention, but I want to highlight just one more:  church is a significant social circle in your life.

But when a divorce occurs, things become more complicated.  The church doesn’t change, but relationships within the church necessarily adjust to the split that has occurred.  Frankly, very often the individuals in a church will have already formed an opinion concerning the divorce, frequently amazed that the divorce had not come much earlier, as they have long sympathized with and prayed for a spouse who has clearly suffered.  Sometimes, they have been blindsided, or have seen things from a warped point of view and back a person who has deceived them about their actions.  Some individuals find themselves torn, wanting to be friends with each party, but not sure how to do that, since odds are that the two divorcing individuals will no longer BOTH be attending the same Bible study..

I have known of couples where both tried to stay, but generally speaking, to do that well is extremely difficult, if not impossible.  To both be in the same congregation, with all the history you have had, results in a tension and uneasiness for those around you.  And all too often, when you walk in, you feel a bit out of place yourself.  I visited with a friend today, reminiscing over my post divorce time in a church I attended at the time.  My ex had long since left the congregation, but even so, it was awkward to sit alone in the sanctuary that had once hosted my family.  I found a unique little refuge in the chapel at the back, in which a small collection of people with children and a few others chose to sit for whatever reasons they had.  For me, it became a kind of congregation within the congregation, at least for a time.

Your spiritual journey suffers great onslaught in the process of divorce.  Standing strong is a challenge.  In fact, that is the very reason I have published my devotional books, as aids to help those divorcing keep on track with God during the upheaval.  

For some, starting fresh in another congregation is the refreshing wind of a new spiritual movement.  

For others, the stability of familiar faces and traditions are what keep them on track.  

And sadly, for far too many, it becomes too difficult and they simply walk away. 

I encourage you to think carefully about what God the ways God might guide you, open to the possibilities that may stretch you into something new, and yet being wise in what traditions to retain.  And one of you may need to be big enough to make the gracious choice of stepping away from the congregation you attend, so that the other spouse may continue there as you find a new direction.  If children are involved, I would encourage the one who has less time with the children to consider that a gift you give to your children:  the opportunity for stability in at least this area of their lives, when so many other things are in flux.  Whatever choice you make, I urge you with all my heart, do NOT make the choice to let anything drive you away from regular participation in a congregation of fellow believers who can walk with you through the difficult adjustments that come with divorce.

TL:dr  Negotiating the troubled waters of divorce requires you to make wise choices regarding church involvement.

What Will Your Generation Do With This Church?

From Generation to Generation

You may recall in my last blog about the U.S. celebration of freedom, that I mentioned that it is up to each generation to do the things necessary to protect and preserve freedom for the next. 

I was visiting with a friend after that and we were discussing the churches, children and grandchildren.  She mentioned a person she knows who was very involved with her church who had a good sized family, and yet among her children and grandchildren, a very small percentage of those offspring are involved with church.  I know a number of families in which this same scenario plays out, and other families in which the children follow faithfully in their parents’ faith.  Coming on the heels of my Independence Day blog, it made me think that as important as it is for each American generation to protect our liberty to pass on to the next, it is even more important that we pass the faith on to our children and grandchildren.

Perhaps that describes your life.  As I look through the scriptures, I find many individuals whose children served God and followed in their parents’ footsteps.  Abraham is a great example of this…Isaac, Jacob-Israel, Joseph..the line is impressive.  But then one of the most celebrated figures in scripture, King David, had children whose lives were far from exemplary.  Later, King Hezekiah was a man whose relationship with God was pretty special, but his son, King Manasseh, was one of the most godless kings Judah or Israel ever had, (though he did repent later on).  I know that there are those who try to offer assurance that the children of believers will be people of faith if we are appropriate parents and believe, but the pattern of scripture is that though godly parents have a godly influence, providing an opportunity for their children to embrace the faith for themselves, children and grandchildren do not always follow in their parents’ faith.  Sometimes our influence may be more effective with people outside our family than with those in our family, much as we might prefer it not to be that way.  If it is, then we can pray and trust that God will have other individuals whose influence can impact those in our family who we seem unable to reach, because prayers accomplish so much more than we can accomplish ourselves.

It is absolutely critical that we take the preservation of our faith seriously.  God expects it of us, and the eternal destiny of millions depends on it. 

I have heard it said that the church is always only one generation away from extinction.  (Tried to find who first said it, but wasn't able to locate it…if you know, let me know, I’d wouldn't mind having the name.)   

A friend of mine discusses the decline in so many American churches, and how so many have lost the younger families.  She likes to inquire her faithful church friends who are of the baby boomer and older generations whether they have children and grandchildren who aren't involved with church.  She then asks whether they wish those same children were involved in the church and what they would be willing to do to get them involved.  Her final question is then: “Would you be willing to give up your kind of music if that would help them want to be involved?”  

While people will often say they would do whatever it takes, all too often we place limits on what we actually are willing to do, and as a result, those younger families get involved in other things more conducive to their experiences of life. 

In divorce, there is often a faith crisis for the children in the families, especially if one parent holds strong to their faith while the other is irreligious or openly scoffing.  But even if both are believers, the children can question what difference it makes to believe, if it doesn't protect one from divorce, because they don’t always see the whole picture.  Sometimes they can lose faith because they pray for their parents’ marriage, or that mommy and daddy will get back together again, but when they don’t, they can believe that God must not be real.  The hurts in the lives of children can drive them to God, or drive them away.  As divorced parents, we must do our best to be seeking Christ and being obedient to his will so that our children will see a genuine example of faith.  That seeking may lead us to reconciliation with our ex, it may lead us to remain single, it may lead us to build a godly home with our second spouse, but wherever it leads, it is our duty to do our best to maintain a quality witness for the sake of our children and grandchildren.  And it is our duty to be praying for those children, whether it appears that they are listening to God or not.  Manasseh was clearly doing wicked deeds despite his father Hezekiah’s example, but he later repented…God got through to him later in his life, at least somewhat.  As my wife wisely says in these kinds of discussions, “You don’t know what God is doing in their lives.”  And we don’t. 

So let me sum up a few thoughts on this whole discussion.  First, seek to be a genuinely godly influence in the lives of your children.  If you children follow in your footsteps, rejoice and continue to pray for them.  But if they do not, realize that even if your marriage had stayed intact it does not guarantee your influence of faith would have been different.  And so we pray for our children and do our best to continue to hold true to God.  But always keeping in mind that it is up to you and me, we who live in THIS moment in history, to do our best to make sure that the message of Jesus has opportunity to spread beyond this time and into the future for those generations yet to come. 

TL:dr  It is critical for each generation to carry to light of Christ effectively for following generations to see.