Difficult ... But Not Impossible

TIME TO GET A DIVORCE?

The other day one of the news pages linked to an article from Redbook magazine about signs that a marriage is in serious enough trouble to warrant a divorce.  The article, “9 Signs It May Be Time To Get A Divorce” by Lauren Brown West-Rosenthal is written primarily from a woman’s perspective, and is a collection of indicators suggested by a variety of people with experience working with couples and with divorce.  The list included things like an unrepentant partner with repeated affairs, being in a relationship that only brings stress and anger, and several ways in which one partner chooses to no longer participate in the relationship--skipping out of counseling sessions or acting unilaterally and irresponsibly with finances.  

As I read the article, I was struck by the idea that so often divorces come as a result of one partner choosing to disengage from the relationship in one way or another, or for a partner to get so bound up emotionally that he or she is no longer able or willing to make meaningful connections with the partner.  The article and those quoted in it suggest that these situations may well indicate it is time to dissolve the marriage.  But I wonder.

It seems to me that there are some factors that were not addressed, some of which would not normally be included in a secular magazine.  For example, when the writer refers to a situation in which one partner feels hatred and contempt, the comment is that it is a result of long standing issues that should have been resolved long ago.  But there is no mention of the need for self-examination, forgiveness, or learning to release the bitterness that one has allowed to fester through things like repentance or prayer.  

In other areas described, trust is described as having been broken beyond repair.  Trust is certainly a bedrock issue in any good marriage, and once violated is difficult to be restored.  

But difficult is not the same as impossible.  

Willard Harley’s book, His Needs Her Needs provides specific steps one can use to rebuild trust once it has been broken.  It can be done.  

In all the situations described in the article, there is no doubt that they describe symptoms of deeply troubled marriages, but whether they necessarily must lead to divorce is debatable.  

It seems to me that in those situations, an important scriptural phrase to consider is the simple phrase, “but God,” a commonplace phrase in the scriptures.  Time and again in the scriptures individuals come up against impossible circumstances, and then that phrase, “but God” appears to introduce God’s involvement, and everything changes.  Sometimes to be sure, even in those stories, there are times individuals refuse to be molded by God’s Spirit and calamity results.  But when individuals allow their hearts to be shaped by God, impossible situations can be transformed.

Let me be clear, I am not saying that the symptoms described in the article are not serious, nor that divorce might be the only viable outcome.  But I am saying that one must never come to that conclusion too hastily, and certainly not without giving God an opportunity to work.  One needs to take an honest look in the mirror with the Bible in hand and an ear tuned to the Spirit of God, because each partner in any bad marriage contributes to the difficulties in one way or another.  When one’s partner has disengaged, it may be the last straw, but one should not jump to that without first calling out to God for his intervention and help.  One might experience one of the “but God” moments personally!  Prayers for a troubled marriage, for a disengaged partner, and for God to reveal one’s own need for change and growth can make a huge difference.  So if you find in your marriage the symptoms that suggest it might be time to consider divorce, let me suggest that those symptoms may well be a call to consider prayer and repentance first.  If you pursue those things prior to seeking a divorce, then if divorce does come, you will at least be better prepared by being in touch with God to guide you during that dark time.  

The Challenge of 9/11

SUDDEN CHANGE

Someone said that the only thing that never changes is that everything is always changing.  

Some changes are anticipated and embraced, other changes are avoided  or resisted, especially when those changes are foisted upon us.  

Some changes are gradual, occurring at a pace that helps us adapt, but some changes are so sudden that we find ourselves caught up in a whirlwind.  No matter how it comes our way, change will always come into our lives.  To survive well in this world, one has to learn which things are essential to cling to, which to let go of, and how to adapt to the new situation.

Change can remind us that our world is not as stable and secure we convince ourselves it is, and that nothing lasts forever.  Fifteen years ago today, the world changed dramatically as battle lines were drawn, as evil announced it remains a potent force in our world so graphically illustrated by the evil men who flew their planes into various locations in their mad efforts to destroy innocent lives.  The borders of the United States did not feel quite so secure.  The world saw there is an underbelly of Islam where some individuals choose to dwell rather than pursuing the more noble tenants of that religion.  War was no longer a pitched battle between two clearly defined and uniformed adversaries, but now lived in the shadows and attacks were on targets of impact rather than strategic, military installations.

I don’t think much of anyone appreciated the change that came to the world on 9/11/2001…except perhaps those who are filled with hatred toward the United States.  

Regardless, the change came and we have all had to adapt to a different world view, like it or not.  

How are you at handling change?  If divorce is part of your life experience, then you know personally how dramatic change can be.  As noted in the first paragraph, the change of divorce can also be gradual or sudden, anticipated or resisted, and regardless of which, change comes.

Grieving is part of adapting to change at any level, for with every change, some things are gained, some are lost, and often it is a mixed bag of sorrow and joy.  Grief allows expression of tears for pain over the loss of something or someone special.  Grief also helps us to treasure and celebrate the privilege of having experienced the positive things of life, placing those joyous moments in the proper perspective and chapter of our lives.  In the changes and the grief they bring, there also comes a realization of hope, for a new chapter begins when an old chapter ends, and at that moment the new chapter has yet to be written by our choices, words and actions.  Grief acknowledges that something significant is lost, but not everything is lost, that some things have ended, but some things remain.  

What changes are you facing in life?  What changes are you choosing?  What changes have come, though you would never choose them on your own?  How are those changes opportunities for something more than you imagined, more than you had in your past?  How can you make those changes work for you as you embrace them, rather than drag you down as you resist and cling to a past now gone?

When life changing moments come into our lives, even tragic change such as that sparked by 9/11/2001 they are only the announcement that a new chapter has come.  What we write into that chapter is our own to choose, preferably under the guidance of God.  And, when you stop to think about it, if nothing ever changed, life would get pretty boring, don’t you think?

Maximum Effort: Saving a Marriage

Please welcome guest blogger today; Glenn Machlan, Bible Translator with Youth With A Mission.  Currently, Glenn is translating the scriptures into a language spoken in a remote village in the Philippines   His work is the first translation for this language. 

“I did everything I could”

 

After my wife left me, I heard some people in similar circumstances say that they had done everything they could to save their marriage, but it wasn't enough. Every time I thought, Did they really do everything they could? Who really does that? Who is that perfect? I was certainly aware of wrong things I had done, and good things I didn't do in my marriage. So I thought it was incredible that there were people who had been that good in their marriages. And yet there have still been many times when I've thought, I wasn't bad enough to deserve that! Which I suppose, when you come right down to it, is the same thing!

Still there’s a persistent idea in our humanness that if we do a certain amount of good, then we deserve certain good results. And we are shocked and offended if we not only don’t receive good results, but actually suffer instead. And if you’re like me, you can easily wallow in self-pity. 

Shortly after the roof collapsed in my marriage, when I was falsely accused, I was encouraged by 1 Peter 2:13-14. “Now who is there to harm you if you are zealous for what is good? But even if you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed.” (ESV) It was amazing to think that this would be the source of my blessing, but it helped me avoid self-pity at the time. (Of course, many times since then I have had a hard time believing I was blessed, and self-pity seemed to be a good friend!)

About that same time, I watched the DVD of “Fireproof.” The message in the movie seemed to be that if you do all the right things, your marriage will be good, or will at least survive. But that seems to be a very legalistic approach to marriage and to life. I thought it was interesting that in the film that even when the main character had finished the Love Dare, his wife still wasn't sold on staying with him. It was only when he took the sizable amount of money he had been saving for a boat and used it to help her parents out that her heart was melted. I thought, Great! What can I do of that magnitude? I knew that God is capable of doing anything, but in my situation it was going to have to be Him doing the heavy lifting if things were going to change. It wasn't going to be anything I did, unless God opened up the opportunity and gave me the power to take advantage of it.

Several years ago I read a Christmas mystery by Anne Perry, and she made a profound point through one of her characters. A young woman had surprised people by turning down the proposal of a handsome, charming, wealthy young man, and instead married his younger, seemingly less attractive brother. The reason she chose the younger brother was because the older one was not a forgiving person, a very wise decision indeed. She recognized that marriage is not the coming together of two perfect people who can then enjoy each other’s perfection, but the joining of two rather imperfect people in constant need of forgiveness. What life is like for us as Christians, in perpetual need of God’s grace and forgiveness, is also what life is like for us in relationships, but especially a marriage relationship.

I’m reading the book Assaulted by Joy: The Redemption of a Cynic, by Stephen W. Simpson. A big part of his ‘redemption’ happened when his wife gave birth to quadruplets (and the rest of us should thank God every day that He hasn't so blessed us!). Coping with four needy babies put an incredible strain on their marriage and they – both psychologists – started to see a marriage counselor. One day the counselor pointed out that Stephen didn't like his wife to see his flaws, a revelation to his wife. “In that moment, things started to change. We started giving each other more grace. I started trying harder, and it worked because I was motivated by love for Shelley rather than fear and resentment….Shelley and I started to see

each other as we really were: broken, imperfect people who were trying to love each other and our kids.” 

That’s it! We don’t do everything right, or everything we can, but there is forgiveness and acceptance and grace that covers our sins and empowers us to do better.

Top Ten Action Tips for Getting Along with Your Ex!

THE TROUBLESOME EX—PART TWO   

TOP TEN ACTION TIPS

a.k.a.

Sending Ricin to Blackmail Hubby Won't Solve Your Problems!

So have you heard about the Texas actress, Shannon Guess Richardson, in Texas who was arrested after sending a ricin-laced letter to the president?  Turns out she and hubby are divorcing, and she was trying to set him up and make him look bad.  Guess she wasn't a very believable actress, huh?  OBVIOUSLY, she didn't read my last post…although, I posted after the letters had been sent.  If she had read and heeded the advice, she wouldn't be in jail now.  A news commentator asked if she was crazy or something, and the answer, of course, is YES!  The emotional upheavals of divorce can make you do crazy things!   So that, combined with the fact that one of my readers, Jason Ratner, made some specific responses/suggestions, caused me to reconsider putting together a list not about the emotional and internal responses of dealing with your ex, but a few practical interactive tips for those times when you are negotiating or trying to get on top of that difficult relationship. 

1)           In all your communications, stick to specific issues dispassionately…don’t chase rabbits or explanations and go into long self defenses.

2)          A friend’s wise advice to me was to put things into a win-win situation, where I sought what I needed by also offering what my ex needed in exchange.  (Having a good support group of wise friends can be very helpful!)

3)          Document everything…time of meeting, topic discussed, inappropriate actions suffered, keep hard copies or duplicate files of every email sent and received or text messages, and, if possible, also every voice mail.  In addition, you should document agreements not kept and court orders not honored.  Make copies of any checks written/received and consider registered mail for items sent.

4)          Develop a tough skin, don’t let the person get to you…they know your buttons and will push them.  Time to rewire!  Remain calm and direct, save your venting for afterwards with a friend or out in the wilderness where you can shout or cry to your heart’s content.

5)          Be clear, firm and insistent on specifics, in a timely fashion.  For instance, let her know several weeks ahead that you expect to be with the children on Father’s Day/Mother's Day and will pick them up at a certain time.  If there are objections, sometimes a simple, “nonetheless, I expect to pick them up at that time,” can go a long way. 

6)          Sometimes a copy of the court orders can be helpful.  In the scenario just mentioned, you can send a copy of the relevant documentation with the appropriate passage highlighted.

7)          When the other person responds well, express appreciation, and even find a way to reciprocate to help reinforce the kind of relationship you are seeking to develop.

8)          When the other person makes demands that ARE within appropriate bounds, respond in a positive way, such as, “yes, of course you can pick the children up at 7:00…it is important for the kids to have time with you, too.”

9)          In cases of high emotions, it may be best to set boundaries in terms of communications, sticking only to letters, emails and voice mails rather than direct interactions, lest you fuel the emotional firestorm between you.

10)       With a particularly abusive or invasive ex, it is a good idea to always arrange any necessary meetings or child drop offs at neutral locations, and bring a witness with you….they may be less likely to cause problems publicly.

And if nothing else works, there do seem to be some extreme cases, in which you may need to move to another town and simply start a new life as the only way to be away from the issues of dealing with your ex as often as you do.  Bottom line, it just is NOT an easy thing to deal with, and each situation is different.  Pick up tips from others who have dealt with it in the past, and hang on…for this, too, will pass!