AH, THAT TROUBLESOME EX!!
In a
conversation with a woman the other day, she indicated that she had been
divorced a long time, and what she needed was my next book. When I told her it was at the publishers, and
explained some of the topics in it, like hope and rebuilding, she told me that
what she needed was a book specifically about how to deal with a troublesome
ex. Don’t know that I care to write a
book like that (although it IS discussed in places in both volumes), but
thought I could at least throw some thoughts into the blog, because I bet she
isn’t the only one, right?
I have heard
and had lots of ideas in this area.
Sometimes it seems like a better legal arrangement ought to be that when
a couple divorces, one HAS to move to another country. Some folks actually say they are better
friends AFTER their divorce than they were during their marriage! Other individuals think in terms of acquiring
hit men. I don’t know that I will have
all the answers, in fact, I can guarantee you by experience that I do NOT. But I can throw out some thoughts that might
be helpful. And I think I will put most
of it in a top ten list format, with a few preliminary comments.
The comments
are simple. First, it is what it
is…divorce is messy, and you just have to deal with the realities it creates
the best way you can. You may think it
would be easier to not have your ex involved with your children’s lives, and
you may be right. However, I have known
several where that is the case, and those parents were heartbroken at the pain
their children experienced with the absent parent, so it is a mixed blessing at best. Dealing with an ex is, of course, the most
difficult when the children are minors and the resulting entanglements ongoing,
so if you are in that situation, realize that it will reduce as the children
mature.
The other
thing I would highlight is that dealing with an ex is, unfortunately, a good
test of your faith and commitment to the Lord.
There are so many scriptures that apply which seem so good in theory,
but you get to learn they are not so easy to put into practice. If you are struggling with an ex, I encourage
you especially to read the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5, 6 and 7 where topics
are addressed such as forgiveness (6:14), being treated poorly (5:11-12),
revenge (5:38-40), responding to evildoers (5:44, 7:12) and focusing on your
own actions (7:1-5). You learn how hard
Paul’s advice is to never return evil for evil, but good instead (Romans 12),
and as you grow in your understanding of God’s love for us and through us,
understand the depth of living out God’s love as described in 1 Corinthians
13. Perhaps reading something like
Corrie ten Boom’s book, The Hiding Place can help you as you struggle
with injustice.
With that as
my introduction, how about the top ten suggestions:
1) Technically,
you should probably feel complimented…after all, it means you and your life are so much
more interesting
than your ex’s that he/she simply won’t move on!
2) Don’t let
yourself sink to their level or become hard and bitter. A friend of mine once said that the trouble with
getting into a spitting match with a skunk is you both end
up smelling like skunks. Just stick to
the facts,
avoid counterattacks and unnecessary explanations and defensiveness.
3)
Set
appropriate boundaries, and don’t be afraid to stand up for them. Enabling poor behavior benefits no one. Sometimes you can state or write your desires
in a clear and non-confrontational manner with good results, but not always.
4) Pray for
them! Maybe not the prayers you FEEL
like praying,
but prayers you can imagine Jesus praying. Prayers
like, “God, help him/her submit to You. Help her/him realize
how what they do affects the kids.”
5) The Golden Rule
(Matthew 7:12) is a good guide to use….treat
others (your ex) the way you want them to treat
you. (Not how they ARE treating you, but
the way you
WANT them to treat you.) You are setting
an example,
maybe they will pick up on it (but I wouldn't bet on it if I were you). More
importantly set an
example for your children or others who are watching
you as an example of a person of faith.
6) If worst
comes to worst, you COULD go back to court to seek some
assistance, if you can afford it. If the
ex doesn't
make court ordered payments or schedules, or if there is continual harassment, there are possible legal courses of action such as contempt of court charges or restraining orders. The trouble often is, though, that even though you may be able to obtain court decrees, enforcement is often another matter. Ultimately,there will be the court of heaven and the judgment there will be inescapable.
7) Return good
for evil (Romans 12:14-21). Even if your
ex shortchanges
you financially, or robs you of time with your
children on their birthday or Father’s/Mother’s Day, YOU still
seek to do what is right, what is good, what OUGHT to be done. You will be able to
look yourself in
the mirror when you are doing your best to live
pleasing to God, even if others are not.
8) If you have
children, always remember this is their father or
mother. If nothing else, your ex gave
you these
children you love. AND, the ex remains
their father or
mother, and so don’t do things that undermine that reality. Try to be careful what you say or do
in front of them.
9) Perhaps most
of all, when dealing with that troublesome ex, you
can be thankful that at least you don’t have to deal
with him/her all the time, since you no longer share a
home. After the divorce, though an ex
can create a great deal of stress and havoc, you
still can go
home to your own space and your own friends without
him/her around.
10) Notice: none of these are really about that
troublesome ex….because
you often have no useful influence over that
person. All you control are YOUR behaviors
and attitudes,
you don’t control theirs. Remember, if the two of you
got along well, holding the same values and priorities,
you probably would still be married….it’s because
you DON’T that you are now dealing with them as
an EX…don’t expect them to adopt your point of view
NOW! The good news is, you also will
only have to
answer for your own choices…they will have to answer
for theirs.
Well, there’s
a list. Maybe it will help. At least it can offer some food for
thought.
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