The Power of a Snowstorm

SNOWSTORM STANDSTILL…

IS IT A SIGN?

A few days ago I was visiting with my sister and she described the huge shutdown on the coast in Washington state because of the snowstorm.  I am not always very sympathetic when the coasts complain about snowstorms.  It seems to me that when I watch the news media, there are often blizzards and deep snows throughout the plains and mountain states, but whenever it lands on the coasts, suddenly it is an emergency situation worthy of national news! 

I remember with a chuckle the time when Barack Obama was president and after arriving in D.C., they had a snow accumulation of an inch or so and shut everything down.  Then President Obama laughed and said that he was just flabbergasted that everything was shut down over such a small amount of snow, because back in Chicago it would have been considered a mere dusting and people would have been out playing in it (as close as I can recall his words).   And, as my sister pointed out, I need to remember that they have steep hills there that make a difference, and since they don’t get heavy snow very often, they don’t have the equipment to handle it.  I think the latter point is the significant one, because, last time I checked, Colorado gets lots of snow and has some pretty steep “hills,” but manages to handle snow crises in ways that help them keep going.  

Another fun example was when, a few years ago, my wife and I drove down to Dallas late one winter for a family event, and the whole city was paralyzed because they had a snow of an inch or two.  Driving into the city, as I observed people on the road, I quickly got off the four lane highway as it was obvious the people had no idea how to drive appropriately in the snow and were risking multiple accidents.  On the side streets, I ended up making much better time and avoided inexperienced drivers, even though those streets had not been cleared at all.

We are seeing snow all over the place this week.  I read an article from Flagstaff, Arizona describing their record snowfall, and have seen other reports of the snow down there, reminding me of the time we drove our exchange student to the Grand Canyon only to find that there was a record breaking snow storm then, too.  

As I write this, it is on the Sunday after our community received approximately another 8” of snow on top of the previous 5 or 6 inches still on the ground.  Crews have been out working through the night and morning.   (And, I might add, having driving into Omaha the day after the last big snowfall, these crews up here do a good job of taking these storms in stride!)  At the same time, I know some major highways nearby have had significant closures because of the storm, the drifts and accidents, so even here these things can have impact.

Today, many churches cancelled their services, yesterday when I stopped at a local bank branch they had a sign up announcing an early closure due to the blizzard conditions.  When I went dog walking this morning, I had to first shovel a path so we could get to the street since the snow everywhere else was too deep to walk in, and then off we went.

Flooding, blizzards, drought, earthquakes and other natural disasters can shut down human activity in a matter of minutes, can’t they?  

I have been in many an ice storm that left many homes without power in just a matter of minutes.  In fact, I have always been struck by the highways and roads that we put down which, despite the latest technology, often end up with potholes due to freezing and thawing, and upheaval of segments due to the same thing and heat exposure.  The best of our technology is really not as powerful as we think it is.  

These things remind me of the questions God asked of Job in Job 38-41, such as this passage from Job 38:22 (ESV)—

“Have you entered the storehouses of the snow,
    or have you seen the storehouses of the hail,”

Those questions asked of Job were designed to remind him that God is God, and Job was not.  Neither are we.  Snowstorms such as this one can remind us of how fragile the constructions of our lives are. Despite what we like to tell ourselves, we are not as in control as we think we are, nor are we quite as powerful as we might like to think. 

I like how this same concept is pointed out in Natalie Grant’s song, “The King of the World.”  Here are a few of the lyrics from this song written by Natalie Grant, Sam Mizell, and Becca Mizell:

When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world?
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small?
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world?

Just a whisper of Your voice can tame the seas
So who am I to try to take the lead?

Whether it is a snow storm, a drought, a divorce, a devastating illness or whichever of life’s challenges you face that just seem too overwhelming and leave you feeling powerless, I urge you to let those circumstances remind you that God is the King of the World and we are not.  

Let those huge events remind you to not make God small in your own life, to remember who it is who can tame the seas and who it is that can simply ride on the waves in a tiny boat.  And then, let it cause you to reflect on who you really lean on to get you through those tough times, your own limited knowledge and ability, or the God who is and always has been, the King of the World.  As I pointed out to my congregation recently, that phrase, King of the World, is a phrase common in Jewish prayers.  Sometimes it is translated that way, but there is another translation that I like, which reminds me of who God really is:  Master of the Universe.  

I haven’t seen the heavenly storehouses of snow any more than Job has, only the little bit that has happened to land near me.  Scientists today describe how these snowflakes are created, the various processes and temperatures involved.  I recently ran across of the  photographic work of Don Komarechka of Canada, which depicts the amazing construction of snowflakes…much more beautiful, delicate, intricate and varied than you might think. 

Don Komarechka Gallery

Just looking at the amazingly beautiful detail of this white stuff so many of us curse, and thinking of the artistry God uses to create this troublesome fluff, which only lasts but for a brief time before melting away, causes me to realize how amazingly great God is, and how much he cares about even the smallest of details of my life and yours.  

If only I can remember not to try to limit God to whatever box my little mind can concoct, when he is so much bigger, more powerful, more amazing and more caring than I can even begin to imagine.  

If there is snow outside your house right now, I encourage you to take a minute to look out at the beauty, at the artistry, at the amazing power of something as simple as frozen water, and then realize it is a demonstration of the God who can get YOU through anything life .brings, and will do so in amazing ways if you just let him be not only the king of the world, but the king of YOUR world, too!

Assumptions about Cohabitation

Have you heard the old story of individuals who work to put their spouse through medical school, law school or to help them get that chance at a career, only to find that once the goal has been achieved, they are dragged to divorce court while their spouse moves on with their lives with someone else?  I know people who have had that happen, don’t you?  

Well, imagine that same scenario, only this time, they did not get married, but only “cohabitated” (as the term goes).  The same breakup, the same broken hearts, the same person being taken advantage of and left high and dry.  But what is NOT the same, is that there is no legal recourse. 

There is no court to insist that the spouse deserves some financial support to compensate for all the years of sacrifice and commitment that were made.  There is no opportunity to make a case as to who should keep the house or the furniture.  If one person decides to try to hide away all the money, or unfairly take advantage of the situation, there is no recourse to make address any such wrongs that have been suffered, no judge to make sure that each person is treated equitably, because there is little or no legal standing to help. 

Beyond that, when a couple living together split up, it is unlikely that they will receive the kind of compassion, support and encouragement that sometimes comes to those whose marriage fails, because it appears to people to be not much different than a simple dating breakup.  But for those who have entangled their lives with another, the emotional baggage can be as devastating as a divorce.

Many people today ASSUME living together before marriage is the best way to go.  In fact, many consider it the norm today.  They often believe it will give them better success if they do get married, as it gives them a chance to test it out, so to speak.  But, as I regularly share during pre-marital counseling sessions with individuals who are living together, the facts are just the opposite:  those who live together first actually INCREASE the likelihood of a divorce, and more!  

Let me give you some sources and let you look for yourself.  Below I offer three webpages, easily found in any search, that explain what is real and what is not in terms of marriage, living together first, and divorce.  

I think it will surprise you.  

You can jump to the pages by clicking on the picture above the statements from the website.  I especially want to emphasize these truths to folks who have been divorced already, because very often, since they are already divorced, they can come up with a mindset that it really doesn’t matter, since they have been divorced before, or because of the divorce they are even more hesitant to commit.  I especially urge those of you who are in that situation to consider the information below very carefully.

First Things First

 First Things First:

This website lists the following, and explains that these are untrue beliefs:

Living together is an easy way to “try out” a relationship before committing to marriage.

Living together will give us a stronger marriage.

Sharing finances and expenses will make things easier on our relationship.

Your sex life goes downhill when you get married.

Marriage is just a piece of paper. 

It’s only temporary.  (60 percent don’t get married…39  break up and 21 just never commit.)

Love to Know

Love to Know

“A couple who does not live together prior to marriage has a 20 percent chance of being divorced within five years.  If the couple has lived together beforehand, that number jumps to 49 percent.  If a couple chooses to live together as an alternative to being married at all, the likelihood that the relationship will break up within five years is 49 percent. At the 10-year mark, a married couple has a 33 percent chance of breaking up.  For the unmarried couple who is living together, the likelihood of a breakup is a whopping 62 percent.”

The Spruce

The Spruce

“Living together is considered to be more stressful than being married.”

“In the United States and in the UK, couples who live together are at a greater risk for divorce than non-cohabiting couples.”  

“Cohabiting couples had a separation rate five times that of married couples and a reconciliation rate that was one-third that of married couples.”

The more you read on the topic, the more you realize that many people today are falling for a lie, and it is ruining their lives. Living together, without the honest commitment of a lifetime, in a relationship that still maintains “mine” and “yours” mentalities, or the option of a supposedly easy exit, does NOT accomplish what most believe it will.  In fact, it often undermines the very thing they are hoping for:  chances for a stronger marriage.  If you are considering this option, I advise you to rethink your plans.  And if you know someone else who is considering this option, you may save them a lot of heartache if you tell them the truth that nobody else is saying. God knew what he was doing when he designed marriage as a permanent cleaving together of husband and wife.  None of our supposed improvements are really improvements at all!

Is this true?

THE DECLINE OF THE DIVORCE RATE?

I ran across an article on Yahoo the other day that indicates the divorce rate in the U.S. has gone down some 18% from 2008 to 2016, and that “the trend has been driven by younger women, despite divorce rates among older women higher than in the past.”   It goes on to say that the marriage rate has fallen as well. 

Click on picture to access full article 

The Maryland professor who apparently did the study, suggests that marriage is becoming more selective and stable.  The article then quotes a psychologist who is pleased about the trend, since divorce is so painful and difficult, and speculates that the two people still likely to be getting married are those who deeply hold traditional values and those who have taken a lot more time to choose their mate.  

There are some interesting ideas underlying all of this.  For instance, one of the things that is also a trend that living together, which used to be the exception and relatively rare, is now described as “the norm.”  It also implies that, all along, those who hold strongly to the traditional values of marriage, and those who have taken time to think through their selection before getting married, have been the ones who were most likely to avoid divorce. 

Another unspoken issue is that now, as couples choose to live together rather than marry, when they split up (as they often do), their split is not counted in the divorce rate as it used to be when they got married instead.  Somehow, I think if one were to include those breakups, we would find that the rate of split is the same or even higher, since there is already a higher divorce rate among those who live together first than those who do not. (That topic will be addressed in a future blog.)

It also seems to me that the counselor who sees all of this as a good thing, (since divorce is an awful experience), has missed realizing that when a couple living together breaks up, that is ALSO a traumatic event…and perhaps even worse than divorce!  

Among those who work with teenagers, it has long been considered that the breakup of a long-term dating relationship is as traumatic for them as a divorce is for an adult.  If that is the case after merely dating, how would it not also be the case after a couple living together split?  In fact, I would suspect that it might be even worse in many ways….which I may also address in the future blog.

So while I agree that a falling divorce race is a good thing, especially if it means that people have developed such a high attitude toward marriage that they take time to think it through thoroughly before committing. But if that falling rate is attributable to the fact that the marriage rate is also declining, with people choosing to be refuse to really commit, and choosing to ignore the emotional and moral issues involved in choosing to opt out of making the choice of a marriage, I am not particularly impressed.  In other words, I think there is much more going on than meets the eye, and the pain and brokenness that comes with the dissolution of deep and meaningful relationship remains significant, whether the couple dared to take the risk of committing in marriage or to stop short of that.  Broken relationships hurt, and I suspect there are still a lot more of them than this study is suggesting.

Illusions

DECISION TIME—PART TWO

In the last blog, I began the discussion about how to know when it is time to leave a marriage or to stay.  

I ended with four suggestions:  1) not just because it is difficult; 2) not if some effort will turn things around;  3) consider it a last resort; and 4) be realistic about WHETHER you would be able to work out issues, make sure BOTH of you are willing to do so.

Having offered those pieces, let me follow up with just a few more thoughts.  Before providing my little list, let me remind you that the Bible gives specific grounds for divorce, although even with those grounds it doesn’t say you HAVE to divorce.  It lists specifically the case of an adulterous spouse and the case of a non-believing spouse who chooses to leave you.  I think one of the underlying principles of those situations is that in both cases, the relationship already isn’t a real marriage…there is no real commitment to love, honor, cherish, obey, etc.  That principle could be helpful as you sort things out, and those scriptures might help when you wrestle with whether God will be displeased if you divorce.  I would remind you that the same Mosaic Law that speaks of “a man leaving his father and mother and cleaving to his wife” also makes provision for the process of divorce.  Jesus said that this was given because of our hardness of heart, and as near as I can tell, human nature still contains many hard hearts…sadly, in this fallen world, there remains a need for divorce.   

So here are a few suggestions:

1)      Don’t fall for the fantasy that things would automatically be better with someone else. Every couple has to work out some of the same issues, and if you can’t work them out in the first marriage, don’t assume you would have the skills to do so in a second.  It DOES make a difference if a new marriage partner is different enough that you can work together on problems in a way not possible with your first spouse.  But that is not something you should assume.  Instead….

2)    Don’t leave until you are convinced that you really have done everything you could possibly do to make the marriage work.  Have you gone enough extra miles?  Have you truly forgiven 70x7?  Have you recognized the ways YOU contribute to the problems, and worked on YOURSELF to remedy them?  Because if you have not, you will bring the same problems with you to another relationship.

3)    Don’t leave because “We just aren’t happy.”  Even the Declaration of Independence doesn’t promise happiness…it promises the PURSUIT of happiness.  Happiness is a fleeting emotion.  Marriage is about much more than being happy.  It is about commitment, stability, agape love and forgiveness, endurance and, as the vows say, “for better for worse, in sickness and in health.”  You didn’t promise to stay married as long as you were happy, right?  Happy can come and go.  Some things of worth come powerfully, bringing satisfaction (or maybe happiness) AFTER the fact, not always along the way.

4)    Don’t leave your marriage until you first seek some godly counsel…talk to someone who really understands.  Not someone who will merely feel sorry for you and tell you how awful it is, and not someone who will merely quote little platitudes as if that will solve all your problems.  Someone who can realistically hear your struggles, challenge your thinking, share biblical perspective, help you evaluate wisely all your options, and someone who will challenge you to be more than you are, to take on the hard things.

5)    Don’t leave a marriage thinking it will solve all the problems. Many who have been divorced will tell you that divorce creates at least as many problems as it solves…and they are right!  Take time to research what the divorce will really end up costing you (and not just financially).  

6)    Make your choice in faith, not in doubt.  Romans 14:23 makes clear that operating based on doubt is NOT a good choice, but that our decisions need to be made in faith.  If you have uncertainty, seek God’s Spirit to provide you some assurance, some confirmation to help guide you.  It doesn’t necessarily mean you will “feel God’s peace” before you act, though some believe you will.  Often, I have observed, the peace doesn’t come until AFTER we have stepped out in faith.  Feelings follow faith, not vice-versa. 

7)    Force yourself to have an open mind and heart.  Even once you think you have decided.  Recognize that you just might be wrong, and allow God to show you that you may need to change your thinking.  I have an acquaintance who had that very thing happen, ready to leave her marriage, convinced it was time to go, she was confronted by her godly father, and returned to her marriage, resulting in a restored family and healthy relationship.  Don’t discount that kind of guidance.

8)    Don’t stay in the marriage based on deceptions and promises that you know by experience simply are not true.  Every battered woman has heard her husband or boyfriend tell her that he didn’t mean it, it will never happen again, and he wants to change.  IT IS OKAY TO RECOGNIZE THE TRUTH!  He or she may say he is sorry and wants to change…but if they aren’t willing to do what it takes to prove it, don’t be deceived. The old adage says, “Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!”

9)    Whatever decision you make, realize it doesn’t have to be the final decision.  You can choose to stay and make that best honesteffort…and later realize that you were wrong.  (But make it an honest effort…sometimes people set up a fake sort of trap to prove they are right, just waiting for their spouse to mess up so they can leave.) If you choose to file for divorce, you can always postpone the court date, or drop the case and reconcile instead.

10)  Don’t start on the course all by yourself.  If your marriage is in such bad shape that you are considering leaving, then choosing to stay means you need the support of friends, family, prayer partners and a good counselor.  If you choose to leave, you will need that same kind of support.  Either way, it may be a tough path ahead…you don’t have to go it alone.  And be sure to use the experience to draw closer to God for His support, which He promises to give.

Divorce is serious business.  People get hurt.  Lives can be destroyed.  Families end up broken.  Children suffer.  Finances and calendars become messy.  But sometimes, those things are LESS destructive than the marriage with extreme dysfunction and problems.  If you have been contemplating, or have a friend who has been, perhaps these little tidbits might help provide some direction and guidance.  In the end, we all make choices, and sometimes the path ahead isn’t so clear, so we just have to make the best choices we can, knowing sometimes we make mistakes, but sometimes we will get it right.  And God can use even our feeble attempts that look like mistakes if we listen to and follow His leading.

Sudden Tragedy

 UNEXPECTED TWISTS AND TURNS

Many people will experience today a troubling and unexpected surprise when they receive divorce papers on behalf of their spouse.  Some will not be unexpected, to be sure.  But any others will be blindsided, or at the least disappointed as they were hoping to get their marital problems worked out and their marriages back on track.  

At the same time, those people are not the only individuals who will experience a sudden life change today, and have to deal with the new situation they find themselves in.  

Granted, there is a difference when someone you love turns against you and rejects your love from losing your house in an earthquake or even suffering grief through the death of a loved one…but divorce certainly isn’t the only traumatic life change people experience.  

Life is just messy like that sometimes, isn’t it?  

None of us is immune from the unexpected, and having the skills to handle such events is critical.

How do you respond to sudden tragedy?  

Sure, shock, fear, depression, anger, denial, desperation, efforts to try to reverse the reality….all those kinds of emotions and reactions are some of the natural responses, especially in the early stages of the event.  But I am asking you to consider beyond the initial responses.  When we have such events thrust upon us, we all have to decide how to move forward in life afterwards.  Very often we actually already have skills to help us through, if we remember to use them. Some life skills, however, will only be developed in the crucible of such events.

I don’t know if you have heard of Christians who like to adopt what they call a “life-verse,” or not, but I know some folks like that.  They select a verse that has special meaning for them, or special challenge, or that reflects what they perceive as their calling and purpose in life.  In conversation with a friend recently, we were talking about that idea, and while it isn’t something that I participate in, I suggested to my friend that if I were going to adopt one, some days I think it would be the first half of Hebrews 10:36—“For you have need of endurance…”

Some days, enduring is about as much as I think I can handle.  Actually, I wanted to offer that as an example of the kind of life skill that comes only through adversity.  If you never had anything you had to endure, then you would never learn the ability to endure.

When life change events come along, it is very easy to get so caught up in the loss, that you start to live in the past, longing for how things used to be, even to the point of rewriting the past and forgetting that some of the past wasn’t so great!  This kind of reaction often leads to getting stuck in life, stuck in mourning, loss and depression.  Certainly grieving the loss that accompanies sudden changes is important, but healthy grieving involves eventual acceptance of the new reality and moving forward in life.

One of the hardest things to learn in such life change experiences is that, along with the loss, something is always also gained. Sticking with divorce as an example, one of the things gained is the opportunity for self-examination so as to restructure your future according to the values you hold dear, without having to negotiate or compromise those values with a spouse whose values are in conflict.  This can lead to a fuller expression of your self-hood than can sometimes exists in dysfunctional and stifling marriages (which, ultimately are the kind of marriages that end in divorce, in my opinion).  As part of that self-examination, one is also forced to identify previously unseen personal shortcomings and flaws that may have contributed to the divorce.  Such identification yields the opportunity for growth and change if we embrace it instead of fighting against it.

Moving locations can be one of those life change events. Depending on why you move, it may be one of the traumatic kind, or one that is more positively viewed.  Down through the years, I have lived in several different locations and states.  Each time I moved to somewhere fresh, it was always a mixed bag.  I was venturing into the unknown, usually going to a place where I didn’t know anybody.  It was always a bit of a risk, but a risk I often describe as an adventure.  

At the same time, it is also always an experience of loss, as I left behind good friends, homes in which I had grown comfortable, local opportunities that I enjoyed.  For example, when I lived in the Cincinnati area, I loved visiting the many huge preserves of protected forested areas, and enjoyed regular visits to the wonderful zoo that is there.  Those experiences are now among my treasured memories, as I no longer live there or have the opportunity to visit those places as freely as I once did. However, there are other opportunities that have come in other places.  In one town, I had the chance to coach and referee soccer games, in another the chance to enjoy an older home with lots of character, and now that I am a resident of Nebraska, I had the opportunity to attend one of the College World Series baseball games in Omaha.  Each experience was unique to the location where I lived, opportunities that would not have been mine had I not relocated.  There is no doubt that I often miss being with friends I have known over the years.  Some of those friends are on the East coast, some in the Cincinnati area, some in the Kansas City area and other places.  But it is because I have moved around that I have developed these friendships in all these places with people I would not otherwise have met!

Sometimes when we grieve the changes and loss, we long for things to be as they were, to stay the same.  However, it is foolish of us to think that if we stayed in the same situation, things would be the same.  The truth is, many of my friends from the East Coast no longer live where we lived at the time…they have moved, too.  Friends who had time when we were studying in graduate school are now caught up with families and careers, and their time is limited, as is mine.  

Things don’t just stay the same.

So what kind of skills get you through life changing events? Well, they probably vary according to your own personality and experiences, but I will suggest a few. 

One is developing the ability to not only see the hardship and loss, but to find ways to see opportunity and advantages, to reject the blinders that keep us from seeing only the hard things in life.  

Another is learning how to not face these changes alone, leaning on old friendships and developing new ones to provide the companionship and encouragement we need when life leaves us confused and uncertain.  

And to close the blog, I would suggest only one more skill to develop, and that is the skill of appreciation or gratitude.  Appreciate and treasure those memories and special times from prior to the life change, rather than simply mourning them.  But don’t let yourself get stuck even there….develop the kind of perspective that allows you to also appreciate and be grateful for the positive things that are in your life NOW…refusing to live in either the past or the future, recognizing instead that each day of life is a precious gift, and that there is always something good around us if we would but take the time to notice.  

Difficult ... But Not Impossible

TIME TO GET A DIVORCE?

The other day one of the news pages linked to an article from Redbook magazine about signs that a marriage is in serious enough trouble to warrant a divorce.  The article, “9 Signs It May Be Time To Get A Divorce” by Lauren Brown West-Rosenthal is written primarily from a woman’s perspective, and is a collection of indicators suggested by a variety of people with experience working with couples and with divorce.  The list included things like an unrepentant partner with repeated affairs, being in a relationship that only brings stress and anger, and several ways in which one partner chooses to no longer participate in the relationship--skipping out of counseling sessions or acting unilaterally and irresponsibly with finances.  

As I read the article, I was struck by the idea that so often divorces come as a result of one partner choosing to disengage from the relationship in one way or another, or for a partner to get so bound up emotionally that he or she is no longer able or willing to make meaningful connections with the partner.  The article and those quoted in it suggest that these situations may well indicate it is time to dissolve the marriage.  But I wonder.

It seems to me that there are some factors that were not addressed, some of which would not normally be included in a secular magazine.  For example, when the writer refers to a situation in which one partner feels hatred and contempt, the comment is that it is a result of long standing issues that should have been resolved long ago.  But there is no mention of the need for self-examination, forgiveness, or learning to release the bitterness that one has allowed to fester through things like repentance or prayer.  

In other areas described, trust is described as having been broken beyond repair.  Trust is certainly a bedrock issue in any good marriage, and once violated is difficult to be restored.  

But difficult is not the same as impossible.  

Willard Harley’s book, His Needs Her Needs provides specific steps one can use to rebuild trust once it has been broken.  It can be done.  

In all the situations described in the article, there is no doubt that they describe symptoms of deeply troubled marriages, but whether they necessarily must lead to divorce is debatable.  

It seems to me that in those situations, an important scriptural phrase to consider is the simple phrase, “but God,” a commonplace phrase in the scriptures.  Time and again in the scriptures individuals come up against impossible circumstances, and then that phrase, “but God” appears to introduce God’s involvement, and everything changes.  Sometimes to be sure, even in those stories, there are times individuals refuse to be molded by God’s Spirit and calamity results.  But when individuals allow their hearts to be shaped by God, impossible situations can be transformed.

Let me be clear, I am not saying that the symptoms described in the article are not serious, nor that divorce might be the only viable outcome.  But I am saying that one must never come to that conclusion too hastily, and certainly not without giving God an opportunity to work.  One needs to take an honest look in the mirror with the Bible in hand and an ear tuned to the Spirit of God, because each partner in any bad marriage contributes to the difficulties in one way or another.  When one’s partner has disengaged, it may be the last straw, but one should not jump to that without first calling out to God for his intervention and help.  One might experience one of the “but God” moments personally!  Prayers for a troubled marriage, for a disengaged partner, and for God to reveal one’s own need for change and growth can make a huge difference.  So if you find in your marriage the symptoms that suggest it might be time to consider divorce, let me suggest that those symptoms may well be a call to consider prayer and repentance first.  If you pursue those things prior to seeking a divorce, then if divorce does come, you will at least be better prepared by being in touch with God to guide you during that dark time.  

Character and Choices

I AM…

The other day I ran across someone who was described by a single word.  You know the kind of statements.  “Oh yeah, that’s Fred, he’s a realtor.”  “Hi, I’m Joan.  I’m Hawaiian.”  “Here comes Julie, she’s a single mom.”  “I just met a guy named Arnie.  He’s divorced.”  “There’s Joseph.  He’s an Aggie.”  “Helen is a really nice gal”  

I’m not sure why we do it, but for some reason we like to be able to tag people.  We do it in lots of ways.  “Seahawks fan.”  “Chemistry teacher.”  “Avid golfer.”  “Great cook.”  “Mother of three.”  “Texan.”  “Catholic.”  “A really honest guy.”  There are lots of them.  

Some are based on what we do, either for a living or in our spare time.  Some are based on skin color or geographic region.  Some relate to our character and some to our beliefs.  But if you could select how you were identified, or were to select areas that identify yourself, what would you most want thosse things to be?  Sometimes what we WANT those things to be is a long way from how we actually act.

I have observed that in the extremes of life, in those times when we are most severely tested, the core of who we are often reveals itself.  

It is in those moments that the real us can be discovered, by ourselves and others.  Some would say that in those extreme times is when we cannot be held accountable, when we are likely to do things we would NEVER do otherwise.  Perhaps that is true.  On the other hand, perhaps it is true that in those moments our guard is down, our self-control disabled and we discover who we really are.  Probably it is a little of both.

Divorce is one of those times.  

I have known of individuals divorcing whose persona is that of a “good Christian,” but who manipulated finances and lied about assets to hide them from the court and spouse.  So much for being a good Christian.  You might think this is self-preservation, but I have seen it manifest itself in very vengeful ways, even accepting undeserved payments that were known to be wrong.  For others, it becomes a time when restraint and caution is thrown to the wind and “anything goes”, and behaviors one would never have expected to see in the individal now are released and bubble the surface.  

Now, lest I sound all negative, I have also known others who, in the times of most severe testing set just the opposite example.  These individuals choose to be honest, even though they know it will cost them to do so.  They choose not to compromise, standing firm by their convictions.  When others sink to their worst selves, these individuals rise to their best and surprise even themselves.   

I don’t think these things are accidental.  Instead, I believe we nurture one aspect of our being or another.  I believe that what comes out in these times is actually a manifestation of what we really do hold to be most important about who we are, the values that we have developed and cherished and grown into our lives during the less stressful times.  

Or, if it goes the other way, then it is often the revelation that we have NEGLECTED to nurture the positive aspects and character traits in our lives, to develop the godly character that honors Christ. 

In the good times of your life, you either sow the seeds of high moral character, or we let the gardens of our hearts get overgrown with weeds and the refuse of our lives.  If you are in hard times and not liking what you are learning about yourself, then let those learnings be a guide to the growth areas you will want to pursue in better times.  If you are in better times, then this could be a good time o be investing in the characteristics you want to have as the core values of your life, the ones you would like people to use to describe you.  These things don’t come automatically, or by accident in life; they are the result of choices we make day by day.  Kind of like that famous passage where Moses challenges the people of Israel in preparation for their new life as God’s people:

“I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live,”   (Deuteronomy 30:19)

The same kind of challenge that Joshua, Moses’s successor, also presented to the people in his time of leadership:

“…choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”  (Joshua 24:15)

What are the choices you are making these days?