The Original Design... Marriage and Mardi Gras

WHAT HAPPENED?

Do you ever hear the debates about how laws here in the United States are understood and applied today, and the debaters argue what the original intention of the framers of the constitution was and how far we have drifted from that?  It occurs to me there are lots of areas like that.

I am not from a formal or “high” church tradition, so don’t really pay a lot of attention to the church calendar (or liturgical calendar) that some other churches use.  Today is celebrated in many churches as Ash Wednesday, the marker for the beginning of Lent, which is a season to reflect on one’s life prayerfully with repentance and humility to prepare for Easter.  

For recent days and weeks, New Orleans has made the headlines again with their Mardi Gras celebration, which ended last night on “Fat Tuesday.”  Lots of people really enjoy those floats and celebrations.  And yet, though I cannot say exactly how it got to be the way it is, the current practice seems to have become, “Lent is coming when we are supposed to deny ourselves, so let’s have one last party bash before it starts.” 

Somehow, I doubt that the kind of things that happen with Mardi Gras celebrations in New Orleans or down in Rio de Janeiro were what church leaders had in mind when they originally created the season of Lent, don’t you?  In fact, I wonder what percentage of the people who were involved in Mardi Gras will be as enthusiastically involved in the reflective and repentant tradition of Lent.  It is kind of like priorities got all twisted around somehow, it seems to me.  But this blog isn’t about Mardi Gras and Lent, it’s about how things so often get twisted around from what was originally intended. 

For instance, marriage has gotten twisted around, too.  And I don’t mean by the current debates in our culture of what does and does not constitute a legal marriage.  Instead, I am referring to husbands and wives who marry, but only to a point.  That is, they get married and will stay that way as long as things don’t get too hard.  If they get too hard, then they will simply divorce and find somebody else to marry and hope that doesn’t get too hard, too.  That is not the same as,
“’till death do you part,” is it? Marriages have wonderful times in them, but sometimes things DO get difficult, and those times require extra hard work and commitment to get through them.  That, it seems to me, is part of the original design of marriage, too:  for a husband and wife to have a life partner with whom they can face all the trials of life.  Sometimes to be able to do so requires serious marriage counseling, and may take years to work through, but marriage is about that kind of partner commitment.

Another way marriage has gotten twisted around has to do with the way couples treat one another.  Sadly, some in the Christian tradition, have decided that since Ephesians 5 mentions that the wife is supposed to submit to the husband, then that means the husband can live in the home like a dictator, issuing orders that nobody should question or disobey.  

Somehow those folks never seem to notice that just a few verses before it says that they are to submit TO ONE ANOTHER, or that what is expected of the husband is that he lay down his life and make his wife the top priority for his protection, support and love.  And, in extreme cases, that dictator may even feel justified in using physical force to beat into submission the wife who questions him.  

In a similar way, sometimes individuals choose to have a twisted sort of partnership, one in which one partner is blamed for everything that goes wrong and considered the cause of all the problems.   It is hard to counsel with such individuals, because they are so often unwilling to look at themselves and their own actions or change.

Divorce has also become twisted.  The Bible makes clear provision for divorce, even to the point of prescribing the ceremony by which it is to be done.  However, it isn’t presented as the solution to the, “we’ve grown apart” syndrome.  A couple who has “grown apart” has the choice available to them to “grow back together,” if they are willing to put for the effort.  In other words, divorce wasn’t intended merely as a way out for couples who don’t want to work through hard times.  It is for those marriages in which something has become so twisted that one partner is being extremely mistreated or abandoned.  Perhaps that is why the ceremony has the wife spit in the man’s face!  It is her chance to show the man has not lived up to his obligations.  And that particular ceremony makes plain that for a marriage to truly work, both parties have to be willing to try, which often is not the case. 

I wonder how things would be if couples seeking a divorce (excepting those where one partner’s physical safety is at high risk), would be required by the court to first go through at least a year’s (or maybe two) worth of intensive marriage counseling with no incidents of adultery allowed in that time.  And maybe have the counselor sign off that both individuals really were trying to follow the advice provided.  Because really, isn’t that more the idea of when divorce should be allowed, only as an extremely last resort, instead of simply a way to get out of the hard things?  It’s like we want the Mardi Gras, just don’t make us go through the self-denial and introspection of Lent.

I think there are lots of things that we allow to move far from the original intent.  Church buildings that have become so important that its carpet is more protected than the struggling family next door.  Or communities of faith that have moved from support and faith groups into cliques of insiders and outsiders.  Churches develop a specific perspective, which turns into a denomination and then can become an encumbrance instead of an assisting development. 

I wonder if there are things in your life (and mine) in which you have strayed from the original design and intent, things that have led you down paths that are not helpful.  Maybe this would be a good day to consider those things, whether it is in the area of personal habits, work ethic, spiritual life or personal relationships.  It is a good thing every now and again to double check whether we have allowed our lives to go awry from the things we know to be true and good.  But double checking isn’t nearly as important as doing something to make the necessary changes!  

My night in San Francisco... on the radio that is

Your Church:  Welcoming or Rejecting?

 

So, last night my participation in the radio panel out in San Francisco expanded from the original half hour to will over an hour. What a privilege, to be able to try to reach people with the message about the church’s need for compassion and sensitivity toward those whose lives have suffered the devastation of divorce.  The panel consisted of a San Francisco Pastor, a Court Mediator, A Christian Therapist for the first half hour, and then I came in a half hour in and the Therapist had to sign off.  If you didn't get to hear it, it is available as a podcast linked here on the blog.  

KFAX Interview on Craig Roberts Life Line

Click on the link for the January 15th show.

However, I’d like to address a couple of things that came up.

  The first was raised by the pastor. His theology of divorce is that if married couples lived 100% committed to Christ, there would be a 0% divorce rate, and so the main thing couples need to do is to humbly get right with Christ.  Secondly, he believes the scriptures teach that divorce isn't really allowed, except as a last resort in cases of adultery or abandonment, and that after you are divorced, you are to remain unmarried the rest of your life unless you reconcile.  This raises all sorts of things, including why my book is needed. 

  This pastor seemed a relatively kind fellow, and to have good intentions and probably has a good church and ministry out there, I don’t know.  But he clearly doesn't understand how the very things he says creates barriers between himself and Christians caught in the garbage of divorce….even though he says there is forgiveness in Christ and that divorced people would be welcome at his church without judgment. The way he stated the part about fully committed to Christ solving marriage problems implies right off the bat that if you are divorced, then you are not as good a Christian as he and the other Christians are who are still married.  The logic is sadly faulty.  A few illustrations will show you why.  If Christians were 100% committed, there would be no gossip in the church, either.  Nor would there be church splits.  Nor would there be the kind of pride that permits one Christian to look down upon another who thinks differently.  If you read Proverbs 6:16-19, or Romans 1:29-30 you will discover that God hates these things, too….but many Christians with the pastor’s attitude choose to focus on God’s hatred of divorce and neglect these areas.  They draw distinctions, because as we have all seen, people who are prideful, people who gossip, people who have stirred up church troubles can still end up being leaders in their churches….but not the divorced.  Because whether it is directly said or not, divorced Christians are often treated as second class Christians, while any other shortcomings are forgiven and forgotten.  Fortunately for us, God doesn't operate that way, just some of His people.

  Secondly, the “biblical” perspective he gave is certainly one of the interpretations of the Bible’s teachings about divorce.  But it is not the ONLY one.  In fact, as a conservative commentary I was reading just yesterday pointed out, from the earliest days of the Reformation, a great many Protestants have understood the scriptures to allow remarriage….yet this individual does not.  It sounds like he represents the only biblical position, yet his view flies in the face of some pretty heavy weight biblical scholars, from Augustine to Erasmus, Luther and more. 

  I’ll put together a blog later that can show you the various biblical interpretations on the topic, there are four.  If you are divorced, you become very sensitized to which view people at your church believe, and whether or not they realize there is more than one way to understand those scriptures.  And if you aren't divorced, you need to know how you present your interpretation makes a difference, and that there ARE other CHRISTIAN points of view.  So, enjoy the podcast if you listen to it.  I was honored to be part of the broadcast, and grateful for the opportunity given to me by Craig Roberts and the Lifeline program. 

TL:dr  Review of the broadcast shows how little things can reflect lack of understanding for divorced, intentional or not, thus driving them away from Christ and the church.

The Fiscal Cliff and Divorce

Fiscal Cliff Follies!

So, if you were riding in the car I was driving, and I turned and started driving toward a  brick wall, going faster and faster, and then, when you were sure you were about to be in a awful wreck, but at the very last second, I  turned the corner, even though it meant I was headed toward another brick wall on another street, would you get all excited and be gratefully kissing my feet that I turned?  I know if you did it to me I wouldn't be.  I’d  be asking you what in the world is wrong with you and what you were thinking in the first place to drive into the wall, and why you decided to turn toward another one!

Well, that’s kind of what happened in D.C. isn't it?  The “fiscal cliff” and “budget crisis” exists primarily because of choices our leaders have been making for years, and by choosing not to seriously work out solutions, they created this “fiscal cliff” situation, so who are they kidding trying to convince us they have done something wonderful by working out this last deal?  They were the ones driving us into the brick wall, turning the corner to avoid something that shouldn’t have to be avoided in the first place?  And up to now (even now), all they do is blame the other party, regardless of which party they are in, it’s the other guys’ fault!  Really?  That’s what we elected them to do?  If only they would take as seriously doing their job effectively as they do creating political drama!

But that isn't what this blog is about.  You may be as frustrated over all this political garbage as I am, but I also think we can learn from it in other arenas.  They say that we are now in the time of year that includes a higher rate of divorce filings.  Could I suggest a parallel?  As these marriages are rushing headlong toward their various cliffs and brick walls, are they not in much the same position?  That is, the vast majority of divorces (if not all of them) come about because of crises created by the couple themselves!  Sure, there are divorces that come because of stress on the marriage due to natural disaster, or terrible losses such as the death of a child.  But even then, it isn't the stress that causes the divorce, but how the couple responds to the stress. 

In marriage, each partner makes choices, and there are choices that are made as a couple, too.  A few examples.  For instance, is one partner really going to choose to make a life and death crisis out of which way the toilet paper comes off the roll?  Are those dirty socks on the floor really worth discarding a marriage’s future?  Or, conversely, are the toilet paper coming off the front side, or saving a few steps to the clothes hamper really more important than how your spouse feels…to the point that you’d go to divorce court over them?  It kind of reminds me of the love chapter in 1 Corinthians 13, where love is described as not keeping score of wrongs suffered, as enduring all things…lots of give and take, lots of grace and forgiveness all included in that definition of love.

Choices, choices, choices.  As this new year begins, if you are married, how about making some choices in regard to your marriage, or encouraging some of your married friends to make wise choices?  You know, things choosing to turn off the TV, cell phone and computer until AFTER you have spent some significant time communicating to your spouse that you love them.  Or how about deciding that this year you will choose to simply accept that one little habit of your spouse’s that you currently choose to be irritated about?  Or how about choosing to CHANGE one of those habits you know annoys your spouse?  Or maybe just adopt a whole different attitude of choosing to be so centered on the needs of your spouse that you have no time left to be self-centered.  In other words, CHOOSE IN YOUR MARRIAGE TO DO WHAT WE WANT OUT GOVERNMENT LEADERS TO DO:  QUIT HEADING TOWARD THE CLIFF IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Divorce is a pretty lousy way to celebrate a new year.  How about doing your part to help lower the number of divorces filed by doing YOUR best to make sure your own marriage is excluded, and encourage friends whose marriages are struggling to get some perspective to make different choices?  Maybe we can lower the incidence of divorce just a little bit for 2013.  Sadly, I’m more optimistic that we can do that than I am the our elected officials will start acting responsibly!!!

Marriage Illusion?

Great Expectations—But Not Dickens

Cinderella, Beauty, Ariel, Sleeping Beauty…they all lived Happily Ever After once they met their handsome prince, who also all lived Happily Ever After with their newfound wives.  While that sounds wonderful, somehow, I don’t think it is actually found in reality.  Reality operates a bit differently. 

Reality goes more like this:  “Honey, the budget is really tight right now, we are going to have to cut back somehow.”  “But we celebrated Thanksgiving at your parents’ home last year!”  “I know you just got home, but I have this huge allergy thing going on….I have to lay down for a while….can you please take the kids to the park for an hour or two?”  “But my mom always said that the socks are supposed to be folded together, not rolled up into balls!”  “Yes, I have to leave again tonight, there is a huge project at the office and it has to be done next week.  We’ll have to find time to get away some other month.”  “What has happened to us?  We never seem to talk anymore.”

I wonder how many divorces occur simply because of unrealistic expectations?  I know a lot of people leave churches because of them.  They go in thinking they’ve found the perfect church, and then discover it has faults just like every other church.  The same is true in marriages, too.  That “perfect” person isn’t perfect after all.  And no individual is going to live up to all your expectations and dreams.  It just is unrealistic.  However, you aren’t going to live up to your spouse’s either, because you aren’t perfect either.  (Hopefully, that isn’t a shock for you to hear!) 

If you’re married, and it isn’t perfect, don’t think it’s merely because you have the wrong partner and the perfect marriage partner awaits you out there somewhere.   At the same time, that dream marriage isn’t going to make you the perfect partner either.  We are all broken one way or another, and sin has left its mark upon our hearts and upon our world.  It is by the grace of God that we are forgiven and grow to what God desires for us.  And it is by the grace of God that we learn how to love and forgive as God takes our imperfections and weaves them together in marriage that we can grow with our partners in God’s plans for our lives.  

Marriage is hard enough, without having entered it based upon fairy tales and illusions.  Marriages work better when THEY aren’t based on fairy tales and illusions, either!  And, if you are dating, it doesn’t hurt to be realistic then, as well.  The truth is, reality can be a pretty good thing.  But not if we refuse to live in it.  Could it be time for a reality check in YOUR life? 

TL:dr  Fantasy thinking helps neither divorce nor marriage.

The Power of Remembering 9/11

The Deep Power of  Memories

  When JFK was assassinated, I was in Miss Fish’s third grade class, and I remember her face and tears when the news came over the intercom.  When Neil Armstrong stepped onto the moon, I was in front of the television set watching the moment with my family.  I don’t remember where I was when MLK and RFK were killed, but remember the events.  But when Nixon resigned, I was on my way to the local radio station, and upon arriving, read it over the AP teletype alert.  When the Challenger exploded, I was on Highway 59 north of Moran, Kansas, headed back home, and heard the announcement on the radio.  When the first Gulf War began, I was involved with a small group outside of Kansas City…don’t remember exactly where I was when the second one started.  When the planes flew into the WTC, I was at my home finishing breakfast with the woman I was dating, who is now my wife, and a friend called and told us to turn on the television.  We saw the second plane fly in.  I don’t remember where I was when the Columbia was shattered, or when Reagan was shot, or when Hurricanes Andrew and Katrina devastated the coasts, or when Mt. St. Helen erupted. 

 I didn’t watch the whole memorial ceremony, but do remember one of the participants promise that we would never forget.  That is much like the Jewish call to never forget the Holocaust….an obscenity of history that far too many today have already forgotten, or are denying.  I recall, right after 9/11, the churches and synagogues were filled, U.S. citizens were united and aware that we are in danger from those who despise us.  Today, those churches and synagogues are back to “normal” and people live as if there is no impending danger out there.  It’s kind of funny, isn’t it, how certain events and moments freeze frame in our heads, and others just as significant are fuzzy, while still others pass into oblivion. 

  I am glad that somebody has finally been able to link the cancers and illnesses of those heroic workers to their experiences that day.  We owe those individuals a great debt….what great people they were.  I was reminded of the debt we owe those individuals when I, with my father, was able to stand near the field in Pennsylvania of Flight 93.  At that point there was no memorial, just a chain link filled with mementos from loved ones.  May God help all those families who lost loved ones that day of national tragedy. 

  Memories are powerful things in our lives.  Like many of my blog readers, I remember lots of events and moments tied in with my divorce, and that was before 9/11.  It is important to remember, and to let the memories of our past shape the actions of our present and future. I hope I have learned something from what I have experienced, don’t you?  But the most precious memory of all for me, happened in the Mark Twain Room of Maginnes Hall at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.  That is the memory of the night I reaffirmed my childhood commitment to Christ in such a way that I settled the choice of where I would stand in my relationship with God in the direction of my life. 

  If, among all your memories today, you don’t have THAT memory between you and Christ, then I would encourage you to use this day of memorial to make that critical memory.  Let today be the day you define for all time your commitment to following Christ in your life.  The real battle in life is not with evil people who tear down buildings and destroy earthly lives.  The real battle is with the evil that inspires those people.  The evil that seeks to tear down our opportunities to have a relationship with God, and to destroy our lives for all eternity.  The evil that spreads hatred and rebellion throughout the earth and its history.  Don’t win the wrong battle. 

TL:dr  Things we can learn from the memory of 9/11.

Gabby Douglas and character

Glorifying God with your HAIR????

Sorry I've had few blog posts out this week.  Have had kind of a wild week, in lots of ways.  Part of it is kind of exciting, because it relates to working out with the publisher final details for the book’s release.  We are getting the cover design completed, and so it shouldn’t be too long before print copies are available.  You will be the first to know!

 However, today, I just HAVE to say something about something I saw the other day….wouldn’t surprise me if you have, too.  Remember the young Olympian I wrote about the other day….Gabby Douglas?  So have you also seen all the flap about the hair style she had during the competition?  I’m not going to link to it, you can do a search if you really want to, but be prepared, there are LOTS of comments out there!  (So I guess I’m adding mine!)

My main comment is this:  Really????  All the gymnastic ability this girl has, all the feats she performed, the gold medal around her neck, the hard work she did to get to the Olympics, and even managing to do that from a difficult home life of divorcing parents, and all they could see to write about it her hair style?  Really?  I hear it started with some London tabloids, but don’t know that for sure, and don’t even care…….her hair style?  Kind of reminds me of Hillary Clinton, who had a hair style she apparently liked….until she got to Washington and all the clucking hens gathered around to criticize until she finally conformed to the demands of the trendy.

Seems to me that GABBY likes the way she wears her hair.  And, based on the medal around her neck, it seems to work well in her routine.  After all, it IS HER hair!  And frankly, I’d be surprised if the folks causing the flap could even do a cartwheel, let alone win an Olympic gold medal!  Her hair?  Really?  Really????

Makes me think of the scripture in Peter that encourages women to be careful of spending too much time and effort on outward adornment, but to focus instead on the beauty that is within.   I don’t know the young woman, but it sure sounds to me like that is exactly what she has been doing.  Through all of this hubbub one can sure see that the way of the world really is to focus on those external, less important things in life.  Perhaps you also remember that, in 1 Samuel, scripture teaches that God looks on the heart, not the external appearance.  Somehow, this all smacks to me of people with inferiority complexes trying to make themselves feel bigger by seeking to diminish others who have accomplished more.  Pretty sad.  No, VERY sad.  And pathetic.

I think Gabby would be better served by paying attention to the character God wants to build within her, and following the dream God has planted in her heart.  I mean, have you ever seen any of the “Real Housewives” shows?  As near as I can tell…..and I have seen only a small portion….they always seem to find women who have the eternal appearance thing going pretty well, but watching those shows (at least the little I’ve seen) very clearly illustrates that there is a vast difference between a woman (or man) being physically attractive and a woman (or man) being desirable!  And the more of those shows I have seen, the bigger the difference!  Almost the Grand Canyon I’d say.  Guys, I’d go for desirable, if I were you…..and desirable isn’t going to be seen by observing the outside.  If you don’t believe me, spend five minutes watching one of those shows!  No wait, skip that….bad advice, not worth the time.  Just take my word for it.  (And the same applies to you ladies, as well…..don’t get caught in the outward appearance cesspool.)

Bottom line, I guess we all have to make the choice of whether we want to waste our lives with the shallow and superficial, or for our lives to be filled with meaning and purpose that will stand for eternity.  Not that there is anything wrong with making ourselves presentable.  It is the degree that can be deceiving.  Wow….really got on a soap box with this one, didn’t I?  Sorry. 

So to Gabby, who, again probably doesn’t read my blogs anyway, I’d say, “let the sad little people with too much time on their hands fret over their hair.  You shave your head if you want to……because you know that what is important can’t be seen on the outside, anyway!  And please, please, please, don’t let yourself get swept up in the madness.  Keep your eyes on the things of heaven, not the things of earth.”  Might be good advice for the rest of us, as well.

TL:dr  Gabby’s hair debate reminds us of what is important, the person within God is creating!

Tom Cruise and Marriage

Marriage Hospice

     So, saw on the cover of “People,” a picture of Tom Cruise and a headline about how tough his divorce has been.  It makes mention there that he is seeking answers in Scientology.  Without going into all of that foolishness, I would point out that headline as a clear insight into the reality of the crisis divorce creates that causes people to search for answers. 

     Churches have figured out that as an individual approaches the end of their life, that creating a ministry called, “hospice” is an important way to help some individuals through a tough time of their lives.  And yet, when we hear of someone getting divorced, all too often we have nothing to offer in our churches.  In fact, I have even known of pastors and church leaders who actively turn against individuals who have gotten divorced, sometimes without even knowing or inquiring about the full story.  No wonder people look other places.  And yet, it is such a prime opportunity to help individuals find the meaning they need when their lives are falling apart. 

     Maybe somebody should start a hospice for those who are losing their marriage.  At the very least, many of our churches need to learn how to better minister to people in this time of need.  Maybe you could become an advocate for such a specialized ministry in your church.  I can tell you from personal experience that such ministries are truly a godsend when you are in the midst of the divorce upheaval…..it hugely was for me.  Later, maybe I can make referrals or links to specific ministries, to give you some ideas.  In the meantime, there a people out there who could even just use a hug or a card that lets them know you are praying for them.  I still have every card that was mailed to me 14 years ago when people were praying for me.  But then, I’m kind of a sentimental sap, too!

TL:dr   The crisis of divorce creates a huge opportunity for believers to show God’s love.