Divorce: An Opportunity for Transformation

So Does Spirituality Make a Difference During Divorce?

  At the core, what are the issues that make up the essence of the world’s great religions?  Is it not the sorting out of the primary questions of life:  Who am I?  Why am I here?  What is the purpose of life?  What is the purpose of MY life?  Is there something bigger than me?  Is there a way to be connected to that something greater than myself?  What happens after we die?  How should we live here?  What is real love all about?  Is there right and wrong, and if so, how do I know them?  Why is there evil and suffering in the world?  Why do I feel inadequate within, and what do I do with the guilt I feel over hurtful choices I have made?  Perhaps you can think of others.

  I would suggest, today, that this kind of searching and questioning creates an intersection between one’s spirituality and the similar searching and questioning that is part of the experience of divorce.  That is to say, religious/spiritual meaning and values come to the forefront in a divorce, as often one is forced to evaluate one’s life, choices, priorities and future as one segment of life falls apart to give way to the next.  This is the first of a two part series discussing that intersection, as well as the value and power of spirituality in the midst of divorce.

  Don’t get me wrong.  I believe divorce is one of life’s great tragedies, even when circumstances are such that might provide good grounds for divorce (for example, to protect the safety of children in a violent home).  Divorce is a tragedy, because it always represents love betrayed, reneging on commitments, upheaval for family and usually a great deal of emotional trauma…..all of which nobody seeks when they promise “for better or for worse.” 

  Having said that, I would suggest that someone going through the experience of divorce automatically has an opportunity for significant spiritual growth and personal development.  However, that same opportunity can be used to the opposite effect…it can be used to abandon faith, choosing to believe that God failed them or their faith was useless.   The individual also can decide that, having tried to do things right and ending up divorced means there is no use in trying to live a decent life, so instead that person chooses to abandon everything once valued as important.  I have seen both occur, haven’t you?

  It is my contention that it is in the midst of life’s crisis moments that individuals can most honestly and most deeply reflect on their past without the blinders of a “charmed life” to color their perspective.  As one sorts out the events that have come to them, there is a searching for purpose and meaning….the call to the primary questions of life.  In fact, it is BECAUSE the “charmed life” has fallen apart that one is challenged to examine past life choices, character weaknesses, values and priorities with a recognition of one’s own contributions to the dissolution of a marriage.  OR, one can refuse to face these issues, live in denial and blame, and experience no growth or change, except a hardening into bitterness and delusion.

  For those who use this opportunity to grow, the recollection of poor choices can lead one to contrition.  The recognition of character weaknesses can cause one to seek strength outside oneself, transformation through spiritual connections.  The loneliness and rejection can move one to connect with a faith community in a meaningful way.  And the brokenness cries out for healing and restoration.  Most of all, it truly tests the reality of one’s spiritual commitment and perseverance….as well as whether one’s faith is truly in something that makes a difference or merely a collection of platitudes and rituals or habits.

  Each of the changes above is tied to a backward glance or current struggles.  But perhaps the most important part of working through this time of crisis is the process of making choices as one determines the future of one’s life.  Of course one always carries their past experiences and shaping with them, but in many ways, the desolation of divorce leaves a barren plain upon which to stake a new claim and build a new kind of life.  The questions of what to build, and what kind of life it will be can be powerful spiritual, transformational opportunity.  If one chooses to let it be that kind of opportunity.  Other life crises can create similar opportunities, but divorce has such an overwhelming impact, the need to evaluate, rebuild and grow are huge.  How do you use the crises in YOUR life?

(In part two, I’ll move to some specific hints and examples, in hopes that they may give some ideas or paths to follow.)

TL:dr  The tragic crisis of divorce raises significant spiritual and life changing questions.  

I believe in God....do you mean it?

What do you mean, when you say; "I believe in God."

So, to follow up on the issue of believing in God.  When going through those extremely tough times, such as a divorce, we all find ourselves having to make choices.  Choices about time, about money, character issues, friends, and how we handle stress….you know, choices!  We make the same choices when things are going well, perhaps in a different way, but still the same kinds of choices.  Whether we are self sufficient, or dependent on God.   Whether we set aside time for worship, or make leisure and work or things a priority instead. 

  Our proof that we believe in God is demonstrated in these kinds of things.  Do we simply mean that we acknowledge God exists?  Pilate was willing to do that much with Jesus….acknowledge that He existed!  Do we mean that we believe that He exists, and that He will take care of us after we die?  Those who came to Jesus with that notion back in those days found that he usually expected more than that, he expected a lifestyle of following Him.  If we say we believe in God, and demonstrate it every Sunday (or Saturday if that’s when you worship) of our lives, but not on weekdays, does that mean we believe that all God cares about is what we do with worship time? 

My wife says that at one church she used to attend, the minister would cut short his messages if there was a noon kickoff time for the local NFL team.  What in your life is so important that you will let it cut short your time worshipping or serving God? I wonder how my wife or your loved one would feel if we told them we couldn’t spend our usual date time with them today, because kickoff is in 10 minutes.  Probably won’t earn us very many points, huh?  So, what do you mean when you say you believe in God?  When the verse in James says that the demons believe and tremble; I suspect the idea is that they believe that God exists and that God is going to hold them accountable for everything they have done.  Is that what you mean when you say you believe in God?

Is there not a difference between a person saying that he believes in marriage and a person BEING married?  Could that be the distinction God desires of us?  I like the old illustration that it is one thing to say that you believe an elevator can carry you to the 99^th floor of the building.  It is another to get on the elevator and trust it to get you there.  My point is this:  are you believing from a distance, in a non-committed observational sort of way, or are you on board for the full experience in a committed relational sort of way?  As near as I can tell, the last one is really the only one the Bible endorses, even if our culture and a lot of our church folks endorse something less. 

For those of you going through a divorce, I just want to urge you NOT to fall prey to those pressures that can cause you to lose track of what is important.  Don’t let yourself end up like those demons, trembling when you realize God is going to expect you to give account for all the choices you are making now.  Just thinking out loud, so to speak.

 

TL:dr  Discussion of the question, “What does believing in God really mean?”

Picture information:

http://bugssite.org/blog/2009/04/14/nasa-photos-show-giant-cosmic-hand/

The actual image is of a nebula surrounding a small pulsar – a stellar remnant, a neutron star – the crushed core of a massive star, spinning and channelling electrons along its magnetic field. Pulsars produce regular radio wave pulses as their polar regions point to us and blast emissions from accelerated electrons in our direction. Radio signals tell us where they are, space telescopes point and check them out in other wavelengths to see what they do. The pulsar doing all this is estimated at a diameter of 12 miles, with the nebula 150 light years across. The entire system is 17,000 light years from us and estimated to be 1,700 years old. The pulsar is called PSR B1509-58, but is known to its friends as B1509.

Gabby Douglas and character

Glorifying God with your HAIR????

Sorry I've had few blog posts out this week.  Have had kind of a wild week, in lots of ways.  Part of it is kind of exciting, because it relates to working out with the publisher final details for the book’s release.  We are getting the cover design completed, and so it shouldn’t be too long before print copies are available.  You will be the first to know!

 However, today, I just HAVE to say something about something I saw the other day….wouldn’t surprise me if you have, too.  Remember the young Olympian I wrote about the other day….Gabby Douglas?  So have you also seen all the flap about the hair style she had during the competition?  I’m not going to link to it, you can do a search if you really want to, but be prepared, there are LOTS of comments out there!  (So I guess I’m adding mine!)

My main comment is this:  Really????  All the gymnastic ability this girl has, all the feats she performed, the gold medal around her neck, the hard work she did to get to the Olympics, and even managing to do that from a difficult home life of divorcing parents, and all they could see to write about it her hair style?  Really?  I hear it started with some London tabloids, but don’t know that for sure, and don’t even care…….her hair style?  Kind of reminds me of Hillary Clinton, who had a hair style she apparently liked….until she got to Washington and all the clucking hens gathered around to criticize until she finally conformed to the demands of the trendy.

Seems to me that GABBY likes the way she wears her hair.  And, based on the medal around her neck, it seems to work well in her routine.  After all, it IS HER hair!  And frankly, I’d be surprised if the folks causing the flap could even do a cartwheel, let alone win an Olympic gold medal!  Her hair?  Really?  Really????

Makes me think of the scripture in Peter that encourages women to be careful of spending too much time and effort on outward adornment, but to focus instead on the beauty that is within.   I don’t know the young woman, but it sure sounds to me like that is exactly what she has been doing.  Through all of this hubbub one can sure see that the way of the world really is to focus on those external, less important things in life.  Perhaps you also remember that, in 1 Samuel, scripture teaches that God looks on the heart, not the external appearance.  Somehow, this all smacks to me of people with inferiority complexes trying to make themselves feel bigger by seeking to diminish others who have accomplished more.  Pretty sad.  No, VERY sad.  And pathetic.

I think Gabby would be better served by paying attention to the character God wants to build within her, and following the dream God has planted in her heart.  I mean, have you ever seen any of the “Real Housewives” shows?  As near as I can tell…..and I have seen only a small portion….they always seem to find women who have the eternal appearance thing going pretty well, but watching those shows (at least the little I’ve seen) very clearly illustrates that there is a vast difference between a woman (or man) being physically attractive and a woman (or man) being desirable!  And the more of those shows I have seen, the bigger the difference!  Almost the Grand Canyon I’d say.  Guys, I’d go for desirable, if I were you…..and desirable isn’t going to be seen by observing the outside.  If you don’t believe me, spend five minutes watching one of those shows!  No wait, skip that….bad advice, not worth the time.  Just take my word for it.  (And the same applies to you ladies, as well…..don’t get caught in the outward appearance cesspool.)

Bottom line, I guess we all have to make the choice of whether we want to waste our lives with the shallow and superficial, or for our lives to be filled with meaning and purpose that will stand for eternity.  Not that there is anything wrong with making ourselves presentable.  It is the degree that can be deceiving.  Wow….really got on a soap box with this one, didn’t I?  Sorry. 

So to Gabby, who, again probably doesn’t read my blogs anyway, I’d say, “let the sad little people with too much time on their hands fret over their hair.  You shave your head if you want to……because you know that what is important can’t be seen on the outside, anyway!  And please, please, please, don’t let yourself get swept up in the madness.  Keep your eyes on the things of heaven, not the things of earth.”  Might be good advice for the rest of us, as well.

TL:dr  Gabby’s hair debate reminds us of what is important, the person within God is creating!