So Does Spirituality
Make a Difference During Divorce?
(Part Two)
As I mentioned in part one, the life crisis
of divorce brings into our lives an opportunity for deepening our spiritual
experiences and practice in life….an opportunity that is sometimes neglected or
even rejected. The first question of
this opportunity I want to raise is that the divorce crisis, which alters so
much of life’s directions, causes one to wonder what the value of one’s faith
is. That is, if someone believes that
their faith experience is something that ought to shield them from life’s
hardships, then a crisis like this forces them to examine whether they have
misunderstood their faith and need to reflect more deeply. Other individuals instead cling to the
understanding that faith should have protected them from divorce, and so they
give up, deciding that faith is a waste of time. It is THIS choice that, ultimately,
determines whether one’s spiritual life grows deeper in the midst of the
divorce crisis or withers away. I say
this, even though I know some are taught that the divorce proves faith was
useless, or that the divorce somehow disqualifies the person from fully
participating in the faith tradition.
But even then, one must choose whether to allow someone else’s understanding
and restrictions to determine one’s own spiritual life. I believe the personal nature of one’s faith
experience implies that, at least to a significant extent, its validity and
meaning are NOT subject to the whims and determinations of others.
As I move to the
next section, I want to share of a couple of conversations that struck me in a
similar and peculiar way. One was many
years ago. An individual, who was not
particularly religious at all, made a comment to me about a conversation she
had with a Christian friend of hers. I
don’t remember all the details, but what struck me was, when the individual
told me that her friend was talking to her about God, she thought it odd her
friend talked as if she had just talked with God in a conversation. I thought, “well, the friend probably
did….it’s called prayer!”
Then, more recently, I was visiting with a
person of another religion who was chuckling as he was telling me about some
friends he had talked with who spoke as if they had just heard God talking to
them. He thought it was hilarious. Since he and I were learning about one another’s
religion, I felt free to respond and tell him that the idea of hearing God
speak is NOT such an odd thing….at least for us Christians. Our practice, experience and belief is that
God does, indeed, speak to us. He speaks
through the Bible, He speaks through His people, He speaks through nature, He
speaks through our consciences….and the list goes on. It was that day I realized very pointedly
that the Christian experience of faith as personal and living relationship with
God is not the kind of experience offered in some other faiths. I bring this up at this point because it is
significant in the rest of the article…..the assumption behind the concepts
offered is that the experiences are in the context of a God who seeks to have
vital, daily relationship with individuals like you and me. Just thought I should be clear before moving
on.
So when a divorce comes into
one’s life, there are abundant opportunities to test one’s faith, beyond the
choice to believe or not. There is, in
most religions, a practical and ethical aspect to the faith. For the Christian, the first and strongest test
is in the realm of forgiveness and relationship. Forgiveness is the example Christ set, and
the example He expects to be followed.
When a marriage brinks on divorce, Christians must face their own
willingness and ability to forgive. In
some cases, that willingness to forgive means the divorce will not be pursued
in the first place. In others, it is a
matter of choosing not to nurse grudges, offenses and bitterness. If the ex was particularly vicious in the
court proceedings or the settlements, will you forgive, or will you not? It is a true test of one’s commitment to Christ. Oh, sure, it may not mean you feel all at
ease and lovey-dovey around your ex, and you may have to intentionally forgive
over and over again…but it remains as the choice you must make in a divorce: will you choose to be a person who follows
the example of Christ and forgive or not?
In fact, it may require daily or hourly prayer time with God, learning
from God HOW to forgive. In some cases,
this can pave the way for reconciliation…..the restoration of the marriage to a
hopeful and healthy future. It may mean
forgiving someone who has no interest in whether you forgive them or not, and
who will never appreciate that you even tried.
In some cases, it may mean you have to forgive people not even involved
who judge you and speak unkindly about you because you are divorced.
Other areas of testing of one’s commitment
and faith arise time and again. Another
good example is honesty. In the divorce
process, assets, expenses and income are all to be reported. There can be a great temptation to hide funds,
to misrepresent expenses or assets, especially if the person is worried about
their financial future. Honesty? Refusing to lie? Even if it costs you? This is a test many divorcing folks fail to
pass. Their faith is strong, but not if
it is going to cost them. The enticement to fudge a bit
here, distort a bit there and justify it as looking out for the kids, or
payback for past abuses. Even just being
able to hang on to your faith during the whirlwind, not giving up but believing
that somehow, at some point, God will get you through, and that there is a
future. Despair looms large, but God
looms larger when we look to God.
Then there is the area of speech. Spreading rumors, talking down an ex, even
the language one uses to describe the ex…..the words from our mouths reveal a
lot about what is in our hearts. Or the
way we handle anger and revenge can be entirely inappropriate. The stories of clothes and belongings torn
and thrown into the street, the vengeful way time with children is denied or
court charges are filed over the most idiotic things…..anger out of control and
the desire for revenge can be very strong.
But our scriptures are clear that vengeance belongs only to God, and
that our anger is not to be harbored and nurtured, but resolved and released. Those things may sound silly to someone not
divorced, but have you not heard the stories of the ex spouses who come and
kill their ex and children, then commit suicide? Any person who has been through a difficult
divorce understands exactly where the anger comes from, anger that, untamed,
turns into such tragic and senseless action.
Nevertheless, the intensity of the emotional upheavals in a divorce is often
so profoundly strong, that to deal with it effectively means turning for
strength to God and scripture time and time again….sometimes within a matter of
minutes or hours!
Well, those are a few of the places our faith
will be proved and tested during the divorce proceedings. There are many, many more. But the upside is, even though the best of us
will probably make mistakes and poor choices at times, we can also discover
that we really DO want to follow Christ, or that God really can help us in our
despair. We can also discover what, for
me was my favorite insight: we can come to a deeper understanding of just how
incredible and costly forgiveness really is, especially the forgiveness God
offers to us. If you are in the midst of
divorce, and having to make choices about how you will respond to the
challenges that come your way, I encourage you to let your faith guide you that
your behavior and your commitment will glorify God and make you more like
Christ. It is a tragic, but unparalleled
opportunity to grow in your faith. Don’t
waste it.
TL:dr Specific examples of the ways divorce tests
one’s faith and commitment.
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