So Does Spirituality
Make a Difference During Divorce?
At the core, what are the issues that make up
the essence of the world’s great religions?
Is it not the sorting out of the primary questions of life: Who am I?
Why am I here? What is the
purpose of life? What is the purpose of
MY life? Is there something bigger than
me? Is there a way to be connected to
that something greater than myself? What
happens after we die? How should we live
here? What is real love all about? Is there right and wrong, and if so, how do I
know them? Why is there evil and
suffering in the world? Why do I feel
inadequate within, and what do I do with the guilt I feel over hurtful choices
I have made? Perhaps you can think of
others.
I would suggest, today, that this kind of searching
and questioning creates an intersection between one’s spirituality and the similar
searching and questioning that is part of the experience of divorce. That is to say, religious/spiritual meaning
and values come to the forefront in a divorce, as often one is forced to evaluate
one’s life, choices, priorities and future as one segment of life falls apart
to give way to the next. This is the
first of a two part series discussing that intersection, as well as the value
and power of spirituality in the midst of divorce.
Don’t get me wrong. I believe divorce is one of life’s great
tragedies, even when circumstances are such that might provide good grounds for
divorce (for example, to protect the safety of children in a violent home). Divorce is a tragedy, because it always
represents love betrayed, reneging on commitments, upheaval for family and
usually a great deal of emotional trauma…..all of which nobody seeks when they
promise “for better or for worse.”
Having said that, I would suggest that
someone going through the experience of divorce automatically has an
opportunity for significant spiritual growth and personal development. However, that same opportunity can be used to
the opposite effect…it can be used to abandon faith, choosing to believe that
God failed them or their faith was useless.
The individual also can decide that, having tried to do things right and
ending up divorced means there is no use in trying to live a decent life, so instead
that person chooses to abandon everything once valued as important. I have seen both occur, haven’t you?
It is my contention that it is in the midst
of life’s crisis moments that individuals can most honestly and most deeply
reflect on their past without the blinders of a “charmed life” to color their
perspective. As one sorts out the events
that have come to them, there is a searching for purpose and meaning….the call
to the primary questions of life. In
fact, it is BECAUSE the “charmed life” has fallen apart that one is challenged
to examine past life choices, character weaknesses, values and priorities with
a recognition of one’s own contributions to the dissolution of a marriage. OR, one can refuse to face these issues, live
in denial and blame, and experience no growth or change, except a hardening
into bitterness and delusion.
For those who use this opportunity to grow,
the recollection of poor choices can lead one to contrition. The recognition of character weaknesses can
cause one to seek strength outside oneself, transformation through spiritual
connections. The loneliness and
rejection can move one to connect with a faith community in a meaningful
way. And the brokenness cries out for
healing and restoration. Most of all, it
truly tests the reality of one’s spiritual commitment and perseverance….as well
as whether one’s faith is truly in something that makes a difference or merely
a collection of platitudes and rituals or habits.
Each of the changes above is tied to a
backward glance or current struggles.
But perhaps the most important part of working through this time of
crisis is the process of making choices as one determines the future of one’s
life. Of course one always carries their
past experiences and shaping with them, but in many ways, the desolation of
divorce leaves a barren plain upon which to stake a new claim and build a new
kind of life. The questions of what to
build, and what kind of life it will be can be powerful spiritual,
transformational opportunity. If one
chooses to let it be that kind of opportunity.
Other life crises can create similar opportunities, but divorce has such
an overwhelming impact, the need to evaluate, rebuild and grow are huge. How do you use the crises in YOUR life?
(In part two, I’ll
move to some specific hints and examples, in hopes that they may give some
ideas or paths to follow.)
TL:dr The tragic crisis of divorce raises
significant spiritual and life changing questions.
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