Following Where God Takes You After Divorce

Followup---

Opportunities as By-Products

So wanted to followup on the whole concept of the opportunities after a divorce.  There could be differing interpretations of what that might mean, though I think the last blog was pretty clear on what my intention was.  But many pursue divorce believing in another perspective of the opportunities, and I want to address that other point of view today.  That point of view basically is this:  “I will get a divorce SO THAT I have other opportunities to be everything I could be, because my marriage is holding me back.” 

I will say outright that I believe that kind of thinking is flawed, if not even a myth.  Yes, a divorce will remove you from a bad marriage.  But often a bad marriage ends up in a bad divorce…instead of being married to the person, you are divorced to them…entanglements don’t disappear, they instead become more complicated, and less about common goals.  Instead of spending all that time, money and energy on divorce and the aftermath, surely the best first option would be to spend the same kind of time, money and energy in the possibility of making a bad marriage better. 

“But what if my marriage is holding me back, suppressing my personality?”  Perhaps that is what truly is occurring.  But could it not also be that the close relationship of a marriage is challenging your personality, confronting you with areas of your character in which you need to grow, develop and see beyond yourself?  Certainly one of God’s purposes in marriage is to create a safe and loving environment in which we face the hard areas of ourselves that we might become something more than we are alone.

In my observation, many people who leave a marriage to pursue opportunities that they believe await them if they can only get away from their spouse, actually end up seriously disappointed and disillusioned.  

Kind of like the old saying about those who believe that “the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.”  It seems to me this faulty thinking is part of what sets up the statistic that second marriages suffer a significantly higher divorce rate than first marriages, and third marriages even higher.  

Because wherever we go, we take ourselves with us.  And if we have not been willing to face our issues when first confronted with them, we carry those same issues into the next relationship.  Running away from problems rarely settles any of our problems. 

But I do believe that, if a marriage has come to the point that divorce is the end result, then the new situation of life is the material God has to work with in our lives.  That is simply the by-product of being divorced.  I think this is true especially for a partner who has been abandoned by another.  I don’t think God’s desire is to set up a divorce for the purpose of creating opportunities in life.  I think his desire is for marriage until death to be the ideal pursued for which we put forth our effort.  But, just as God was able to take the cross of Christ and do something wonderful through it, or the sufferings of Paul and turn them into lessons he shared with us in scripture, so he can take the tragedy of broken marriages and create opportunities for something new. 

But those opportunities must be approached with sensitivity to God’s leading, if we are going to receive the blessings he seeks to create. 

There are many times in scripture where we find God taking the brokenness of individual lives and accomplishing something unexpectedly wonderful through them.  Perhaps the early bumblings of Moses is one of the greatest examples.  Or you may prefer the descent into the pit experienced by Joseph.  In both cases, someone who suffered severe reversals in life ended up being used by God for mighty deeds.  So while I would never suggest someone pursue divorce as an escape route to make opportunities for themselves, I would acknowledge that even divorce can end up being something out of which God can do something good and meaningful.  It is the story of my own life, and my prayer is, that it will be the story of yours if you have been the victim of divorce as well.  Seek God’s guidance in obedience, and he will get you there.  Maybe not today.  Maybe not tomorrow.  Or even next year.  But over time you will discover God’s hand upon you, helping you through to the higher plane he desires in your life.  

Your Church.... Dying or Thriving?

WAYS YOU CAN HELP CLOSE YOUR CHURCH

So my wife ran across something surfing the net the other day that struck me as interesting when she showed it to me.  It was a list somebody had put together about things you can do that cause churches to close.  It reminded me of a sermon I gave in my church nine years ago, so I dug it out, and so, though it’s kind of random, I thought I’d add my tips to the mix out there in the blogosphere.  I would also suggest that many of these same issues will also strangle a marriage!  So, here are the tips, some of which are about individuals, others are about churches.  Follow these tips only if you want your church to close it’s doors.

Areas 1-12 refer to individual attitudes and behaviors

These first three have always been key issues for church life/growth:

1)  Use your Bible as a dust collector.

2)  Assume outreach and witnessing is somebody else's job.

3)  Pray only for your own needs, and certainly never for church leadership or the lost souls in our communities and the world.

These areas, though timeless, seem prevalent in many churches today.

4)  Participate in backbiting, gossip, criticism, nitpicking, and strife by speaking or listening to it…and so claim grumbling and murmuring as your spiritual gifts instead of focusing on the positive things in life and in your church.

5)  Value only the ministries and gifts that YOU like or benefit from, rather than the ones God chooses to bring for the betterment of the entire church.

6)  Develop a self centered focus, where you always ask what did I get out of it, instead of asking how it serves the greater kingdom of Christ.

7) Become suspicious and decide everybody else is working against you, rather than seeing fellow church members as varied parts of a single body of Christ working toward the common good of the kingdom.

8) Practice a pseudo Christianity where you have an appearance of godliness, but don't allow any real power to change your life or to work through you to change the lives of others.

9) Resist and quench any movement by the Spirit of God that causes people to become excited or emotional at God's touch upon them, or that causes them to step out in faith into new arenas of ministry.

10) Do everything you possibly can in your church….even if you only get the job half done….so that other people won't have to do anything.

11) Decide your church attendance based on convenience rather than commitment.

12) Choose to be a taker in your church, rather than a giver.

Both Individuals and Church bodies adopt these attitudes/behaviors in dying churches:

1) Find a plateau in your spiritual growth where you can be satisfied to dwell…you can also get satisfied in plateaus in your church's growth, too.

2) Focus on what you can't do, rather than what you could do… as individuals and as a church.

3) Place limits on what you are willing for God to do in you or through you or your church.

4) Make your decisions and operate out of fear and uncertainty, rather than faith, risk taking and boldness.

5) Go into any future God has kicking and screaming, rather than with enthusiasm, excitement and hope.

6) Ignore or refuse to act on the opportunities and challenges God places before you or before your church.

These attitudes are often adopted by dying church bodies:

1) Help create division by adopting an “us/them” mentality to describe all sorts of church interactions.

2) Develop a system that is power oriented and territorial rather than servant and humility oriented.

3) Become program and property centered, rather than people centered.

4) Adopt a "pastor as messiah or scapegoat" attitude, rather than examining issues the church body needs to face and deal with.

5) Have no spiritual vision or dreams for the kingdom, focusing instead only on how things used to be, or how they are, but never the possibilities that could be.

6) Set up barriers and hurdles to impede ministries, instead of empowering people to follow God's calling in their lives.

7) Develop a church mentality of maintaining and surviving, doing things in ways that are good enough to get by, rather than staffing and planning for growth or seeking all things in excellence.

8)  Ignore that the love chapter is addressed to churches, not married couples.

9)  Let die your heart for missions and desire to reach the lost.

There are churches with these attitudes that continue to exist, but the glory of God has already departed from them.  They have become nothing more than religious social clubs that do nothing in terms of discipleship, and their doors will eventually close….and they should….because they no longer fulfill the purposes for which God established his church.

Praying that your approaching Thanksgiving is giving you time to reflect and ponder.  Giving Thanksgiving in all things, even leaves on the ground.