The Power of Healing

IT’S ABOUT TIME!

Time flies when you are having fun.  

Time waits for no man.  

Time is of the essence.  

Time is money.  

One of my favorites was on one of my high school teacher’s desk, which said, “Time is passing.  Are you?”  

Of course, there is the favorite of many, Time heals all wounds.  Or, as one of the Kooky Plaks I used to have said, “Time wounds all heels.”

Time can do a lot of things.  And there are lots of views about time, but do you think time actually heals all wounds?  I’m not so sure.  I do think the intensity of the pain from a traumatic event tends to diminish over time, but diminishing is a not the same thing as healing.  

I also think that one’s focus on a painful event will also diminish as time moves on and new experiences and opportunities take center stage.  But again, that is not the same thing as healing.  Finally, the new perspective about an event that one gains by being able to look back on it from the distance of time makes a difference in the impact of that event, but again, that is still not the same as healing.

The wounds of divorce can run deep, as do the wounds from abuse, molestation, war combat, abandonment, rape or any of the truly traumatic events of life.  What can we count on time to do?  

It would be nice to say that as time passes things get easier, but that is not always the case.  

Speaking from the context of divorce, there are many differences that time makes.  Some of them are good, some not so good.  Financially things can get better, because usually you will be paying fewer attorney fees (and hopefully eventually none), and issues like child support checks and maintenance (alimony) go by the wayside.  Emotionally things generally improve, depression and mood swings start to dissolve as you begin to stabilize into a new life situation and have fewer entangling issues to stir things up.  In terms of the perspective time gives, that also is an improving thing, because you can begin to see life and marriage through different lenses, and maybe even realize that how things were wasn’t such a great relationship after all.  Time mercifully shifts your focus away from the pain of the divorce, because there are new life choices to be made and bills to be paid, and the encounters with the court and your ex become fewer and fewer.  And so it is very true that the passing of time does make a difference.

On the other hand, time can never heal the sense of loss that one experiences, as you no longer have the opportunity to share together about the memories of your children’s young life, and no one to fill in the blanks or help you remember details.  Time can never give back the years spent in a relationship that may have been doomed from the start, though you may have tried and tried to make it work over the years.  Time will bring perspective about your failed marriage, but it will not change the fact that the marriage failed.  Sometimes one spouse plays mind games with the children, resulting in hurtful relationships that extend for years.  Even scheduling for time with your children for holidays serves as a reminder of the ongoing complications of divorce.  

There are things that time does not heal.

Time plays an important role in healing, but doesn’t bring healing itself.  Just as a physical wound will heal over time as long as it is properly cared for, and will fester and grow worse if not treated right, so the wounds in our hearts can experience healing or festering, depending on the care we provide.  

Nursing of grudges and hurts, rehearsing over and again slights suffered and dwelling on the memories of mistreatment lead to the festering of grudges and bitterness, poisoning our personality and our relationships.  Allowing time to instead provide some perspective and perhaps some distance from the intensity of the struggle is a step in the direction toward healing, especially if you utilize the time to learn the art of forgiveness. 

But the deepest healing comes when we lay our hearts open before God, with all the hurts, all the resentments, and those terrible things that plague our memories, and invite God to guide us in the right direction and provide the healing we cannot achieve on our own.  Psalm 147:3 specifically assigns this role to God, where it says that, 

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” 

----ESV    

Healing doesn’t mean your life hasn’t changed or been affected.  Nor does it mean you no longer remember.  But it means that the wounds no longer have the power they once did, and that the direction of their influence is toward less impact, rather than growing into bigger issues.  

Remember, even Jesus had scars to show the disciples from the wounds he suffered.  But those scars did not prevent him from entering into life in its fullest sense, nor need they prevent us either.  And, by the way, thanks for “taking the TIME” to read my little blog today.

Are you over it yet?

Congratulations on your divorce?@!?

Was visiting with a friend the other day about our divorces, and the fact that so often people really don’t have a clue.  Actually, have had this conversation multiple times since I started blogging.  That individual indicated he had actually received some cards from well intentioned friends who congratulated him on the divorce.  He and I agreed it isn't really something you feel ought to be congratulated….it is more about loss, failure, disappointment and the shattering of life.  Even if you are finally out of an awful situation, there is still a great deal of grief and hurt over it all…it just isn't a good thing to experience. 

Another piece of this whole thing is that folks here in the United States really don’t get grief, and even more so when it is the grief of divorce.  After a death, all too often people expect the grieving widow or child to be better a few weeks later, to be moving on in life within a few months at most.  But those of you who have been through it know that time frames like that are not realistic.  In fact, times frames are always artificial constructs, because everybody is different and processes grief in their own time and way.  But divorce, well, that grief can be never ending, because the complications of the aftermath can drag on a very long time, and be refreshed as new issues arise year by year.  In fact, I had a woman ask me today when things finally get settled.  After asking whether or not there were children and learning there were, I passed along a comment a friend had given to me:  “It never really ends until one of you dies.”  That is why I use the phrase “divorced to” instead of “divorced from;” the entanglements just continue to pop up when you think they should be over.

I continue to find it stunning how different the reactions are I meet as I discuss the book, between people who have been divorced (or worked closely with someone who was) and those who have no experience of divorce.  The congratulations cards is a pretty good illustration.  People who deal with divorcing folks or who have been there; meet the book with a real understanding and sense of gratefulness that a new help is available.  Others think, “it’s a nice idea, good luck with that.”  But somehow I suspect that the core issue is the same as with grief at death:  people who haven’t been there think it should be no big deal and one should get over it quickly.  The truth is, the scars are for a lifetime, the hurts heal slowly and things can just be hard to deal with time and time again. 

Having said those things, let me raise another thought.  I have kind of moved us into a discussion of children, at least for a while.  If the process of grieving and healing is difficult for adults going through divorce, and takes a lifetime for them, how much harder would you suppose it might be for children who have much less maturity and much fewer life skill experiences to deal with their parents’ divorce?  Sure they adapt to the changes, but that doesn't mean it is easy, or good, or that they are healed inside.  It means they survive.  In fact, if you know very many children of divorce, you observe that survival skills are the one thing they hone best.  Maybe that’s a good thing, because survival skills come in handy in life.  But the kids I know in divorce learn the survival skills of becoming hard for self-preservation and learning to manipulate situations; not particularly great skills to have.  No, adults and children both need time to heal, patience and understanding by those who care for them and acknowledgement that they have been changed as they face the tragedy of divorce.  I guess a key question is whether or not you are willing to be the kind of person who grants that care and understanding, providing safe space for those struggling with divorce in your world. 

By the way, thanks for the responses to my questions given so far.  I am still collecting input on the following issues:

1)    If you have been a child of divorce, are there things you wish you could tell your parents about what helped or what made it harder?

2)   If you are a parent, are there things you wish you could tell your children that you have avoided lest it create more problems?  Things that you really wish they understood?

3)   If you are either, and have experienced something that really helped or was a good idea, would you be willing to share it?

All names will be kept confidential, and don’t even have to be submitted.  If you are a child from divorce, it might be helpful if you gave your current age range (teens, 20’s, etc).

TL:dr  The grief of divorce is NOT short lived….neither for the adults involved nor the children.