The Real Meaning of Christmas

THE MAD DASH IS ON…

  

Black Friday, the largest shopping day for Christmas - which now begins relatively early on Thursday, Thanksgiving Day. Cyber Monday, the online holiday bargain hunt, begins in just a few hours. Calendar counting now shifts from the traditional daily number to a countdown of remaining shopping days.  All of this giving us the indication that the Christmas holiday will soon be upon us.

In addition, the stores I have been in the last few days are playing music related to Christmas, usually warning that I better watch out and better not cry.  

I also know the holiday time has begun because as I drove home from the store this evening, I passed plenty of homes with Christmas decorations shining away.  I have none up yet…my time has been occupied with other more pressing activities.  

One house I passed seemed to have every inch of their yard and porch roof covered with lighted figures of Santa, elves, snowmen, reindeer and similar characters.  Missing were any angels, wise men, shepherds, nativity or religious decorations of any sort, which reminded me of something that recently occurred to me.

Have you ever noticed how many people like to get in on the celebration of Christmas…despite those who protest and get perturbed whenever they hear a Christmas carol or see a nativity scene.  When I was in college, even one of my Jewish friends loved to put up her Christmas tree right alongside her Hannukah menorah.  So the other day I got to thinking about why people, who have no interest in Jesus, have adopted the celebration of Christmas as their own, albeit with a focus not on Jesus, but on St. Nicholas (about whom they also know very little in reality).  I didn’t research it, but I have a theory, and I thought I’d share it as we enter this season of celebration and obsessive compulsive shopping into debt.

 Most of the time, when I do something that I see somebody else doing, it is because I think it looks like fun, or looks interesting, or is something that brings great benefit.  So I wonder if over the years people have seen Christians celebrating Christmas and seen the joy, the sharing, the love that is integral to the meaning of the holiday.  

Maybe sometime way back when, people saw smiling Christians, filled with happiness and overflowing with charity and love, and then decided that was something they would like to have in their lives, too.  Or maybe their children came home one day asking how come little Johnny down the street received special presents last week when his birthday isn't until August, and why they didn't get any presents at all.  Child-driven-hope-I’m-a-good-enough-parent-guilt is a manipulation card children learn how to use early in their lives.

However it occurred, and for whatever reason, it seems likely to me that non-Christian individuals saw something they wanted as they observed Christians celebrating a remembrance of the birth of the Savior.  Perhaps that is how the various trappings began to be added.  The Saint Nicholas turned into Santa Claus who inherited a reindeer with a red nose, snowmen began to sing before they melted away, and toys became the dominant theme because everybody knew that somehow, Christmas has something to do with children.  Thus the celebration spread around the globe and toy manufacturers were very, very happy.

However, it seems to me that what has happened is that people have tried to capture the wonder and joy of Christmas by manufacturing their own, in hopes that they could experience the joy Christians experience with the Incarnation.  

They have adopted the forms, but neglected the substance.  

We Christians aren't filled with joy at this time of year because we get to share in Christmas presents and old familiar songs, rather we celebrate the gift given by God that we could never attain ourselves, and the songs sung by a young virgin named Mary, her relative Elizabeth, and the angels who sang to shepherds.  Pretty lights and trees that remain green don’t remind us of Christmas, they remind us of the Light of the World and the promise of eternal life. 

Oh sure, we Christians get caught up in all the trappings of the celebration, too, and sometimes can forget what the core meaning of Christmas truly is, but for many of us, as we sit in a chapel on Christmas Eve, holding candles, taking communion and singing carols, we are reminded again the it is the gift of the Christ child that makes the holiday truly wondrous. 

I invite you this year to find out in a deep and fresh way what the holiday really means, and why it began to be celebrated, because the joy of Christmas is only truly known by those who also know the Christ of Christmas personally.  

Valentine's Day and 1st Corinthians

LOVE IS…

Down through the years, love has been defined is so many ways by a great many people.  Some of those definitions are very moving, some tear jerking, and, frankly, some just seem kind of sappy/stupid!   Scripturally, love was not merely defined, but demonstrated by the love of God for us who gave his Son Jesus upon a cross to die that we might be set free from sin and live in eternity with him. 

For Valentine’s Day, though, I’d like to remind you, no matter your station or situation in life, of what I think is the greatest explanation of love I have ever heard, and that is Paul’s writing in 1 Corinthians 13:4-6.  I am going to share it with some comment below (using the English Standard Version in bold).  As you read it, if you are divorced, it may help you understand how far your marriage had been from what love really is.  And for each of us, it serves as a reminder of how far we have yet to grow in our ability to love well, since, after all, Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a celebration of love.

Love is patient and kind;  Does that describe the relationship you had/have in your marriage?  How patient?  How kind?  Many divorced folks will quickly identify how these characteristics had long gone by the wayside in their marriage, a clear symptom that the marriage was not a marriage of love.  Maybe it never was.  If you aren’t married, it is certainly something to ask yourself before  you take any relationship to a serious level.  Patience and kindness are hallmarks of love.  Many of us settle for something far less.  How about with your children…does you patience wear thin far too quickly?  Are the words that come out of your mouth toward them kind words, or do they bear the brunt of the hardships in your life?  Sometimes I think just these two aspects of love alone, if actively implemented, could turn around even the most broken of marriages.

Love does not envy or boast; Some people are so about themselves, there is nothing else they will talk about.  They are unable to rejoice at anything good that another person experiences, instead being filled with jealousy or envy because they wish it was the good had happened to them instead.  In the relationships of your life, are the ones you love as concerned for you as for themselves?  Or better yet, more for you than for themselves?  Have you been too sure that nothing was your fault or responsibility, boasting of how good a job you had done, that all the problems were the fault of your spouse?

It is not arrogant or rude. In your marriage, did you feel an equal, or like your partner thinks themselves better than you?  Was basic common courtesy and decency long gone?  These days, rude is such a common characteristic that if you are polite or considerate to another person, they see that as odd!  In a marriage, consideration should be the hallmark, don’t you think?

It does not insist on its own way; If I could tell you all the couples that have been in my study for counseling whose core issue could have been solved by this simple phrase, you would be astounded.  Do you have to have your own way?  Honestly?  Did/does your spouse?  I have known many people beaten down in a marriage that by this one single measure was clearly NOT a marriage of love. 

It is not irritable or resentful;  At this point, I kind of wish the description of love had stopped a few phrases ago, because I am sometimes a person who gets irritated far too easily.  To the degree I do with my wife, that is the degree to which I am NOT acting from love.  And resentful?  Are there things you resent in your relationship?  Like that you have to do more than your share of the housework?  Or that the times you have tried to do something nice for your spouse, they were neither acknowledged nor appreciated?  You see, all of these characteristics are a two edged sword.  We may easily see how our ex or even our current spouse does not fit these criteria…but the challenge is, to see how we do as well.  Growth does not come by focusing on somebody else’s shortcomings, only our own.

It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Sometimes it is too easy to point out the faults of others.  Those faults are always there, and if that is what you focus on, that is what you will find.  But it isn’t love if you do.  And how often do juicy bits of gossip cross your lips or ears?  Why do any of us delight in hearing those things?  Truth.  Ah, that is a challenge, isn’t it?  Could your relationship be described with the word true?  As in faithful, or as in honest?  Lots of married couples play lots of relationship games and live in webs of silly little lies, instead of dwelling in honesty and truth.  What deceptions have described your relationships? 

Love bears all things, Okay, so what are you willing to put up with?  What are the limits?  Do the words “all things” describe your answer?

Believes all things, Do the people you love know that you believe in them?  Have they believed in you?

Hopes all things, What are the limits at which you become hopeless?  What are the things you consider as impossible in your relationships?  Is your love lost because you no longer hope anything for the relationship?

Endures all things.  Too often today, nobody wants to endure anything.  If it gets hard, we quit.  We think it should just all come easy.  Some of the greatest love in marriage is never experienced because the couple weren't willing to endure.  They quit.  They gave up before the solution came.  Divorce is not how they gave up.  Divorce is actually the symptom of having already given up.  Sometimes it is one spouse, sometimes both, but the unwillingness to endure has shortchanged many people out of true love. 

It’s really quite a challenge, isn't it?  A lot more than candies with cute sayings on them, or red boxes filled with chocolate.  Love is a much more serious and challenging proposition.  Reading through those items, many would find that the marriage they lost did not even come close to an environment of real love.  Many will find that we have a long way to go, to be the kind of lover God desires us to be.  But, this Valentine’s Day, it could be a noble goal to choose this pattern as your aim.  Let’s review it one more time (or you may want to go back and reread the entire chapter in your own Bible).

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  ---1 Corinthians 13:4-6  ESV

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

A Reason to Laugh

Stop and Laugh With Me

(you may want to bear with me in this…there is eventually a point!)

(This cartoon copyrights owned by PEANUTS Worldwide LLC)

Somebody once asked why I chose to use a devotional format for my books.  And there are lots of reasons, but one of the main one is that I have used devotional guides myself of one sort or another for over 30 years, and have found that time to stop, reflect and listen to be invaluable in my life.  Lately, I have included in my routines reading through some old copies of Guideposts I have picked up in thrift stores here and there, and had a particularly funny story told by Mark Collins in the 2011 edition.  With my own retelling, the story goes like this:

A man was visiting a loved one dying in the hospital, and as they visited was reminded that so many times that loved one had told the man that when he thought about dying, he had always wanted to die in his sleep like his great grandfather.  He did NOT want to die screaming and squirming and scared like all the people who were in the back of his great grandfather’s stagecoach when he drove it over the cliff! 

Or how about some old lame ones?  Like the man who told his friend that there was something wrong, because everywhere he looked, he was always seeing spots.  His friend asked if he had seen the doctor.  “No, just spots!”

Or the man who DID go to the doctor because of a pain in his arm.  When the doctor asked him what was the matter, he replied as he raised his elbow to shoulder level, “Doc, it hurts when I do this.”  And the doctor, of course said, “Then don’t do that.”

Okay, how about a couple of my favorites, then. 

Like the one about the blonde woman (sorry blondes, I tried to rewrite it, but it just doesn’t work as well) who hopped onto the Paris-bound plane in New York, and plopped right down in a First Class seat.  The flight was full, and as the attendants were checking people’s seating, she was advised that her ticket was for coach and she would have to move to a different seat.  The lady replied, “I’m blonde, I’m going to Paris, and I’m going to sit in first class. 

When she could not get the lady to move, she went up and got help.  The head steward came and said, “Ma’am, I’ve been informed you are in the wrong seat.  What seems to be the problem?”  She replied, “There’s no problem.  You see, I’m blonde, I’m going to Paris and I’m going to sit in first class.”  Unable to get a change, no matter who talked to her, and yet unable to depart until the seating problem was rectified, they finally brought in the captain.  They explained the situation to him, including her stubbornness, and so he went back to her seat, identified her as the lady in question, then leaned over and whispered into her ear.  She instantly hopped up and ran back to her seat back in the coach section at the back of the plane.  Mystified, the crew gathered around the captain and asked, “What did you say to her that got her to move?”  He smiled, and replied, “I simply told her that first class wasn’t going to Paris.”

Then there is the one about the braggart who claimed to be a great bear hunter, especially of grizzlies.  He had bragged all the way up to the remote cabin as he and his friends headed out on their hunting trip.  They, of course, mocked his arrogance, and it was clear to him they didn’t believe him.  And so, as they arrived, he bragged to them, “I tell you what, you guys go unpack everything, and I will do all the KP all week if I can’t get a bear before you are unpacked.”  Sounding like a sure thing, they took the bet. 

So the man disappeared out the door, and they started unpacking.  They weren’t very far along in the process when they suddenly heard the front door open, and saw the man rush in and hide behind the door.  A few seconds later, an angry grizzly came bounding into the cabin.  The man suddenly jumped from behind the door, and as he headed out to the porch, they heard him say, “You guys get this one skinned and I’ll be back with another in 15 minutes.”

I particularly enjoy Far Side and Peanuts cartoons.  A couple of my favorite Peanuts cartoons, as I recall them, are when Linus is walking around proclaiming how much he loves mankind, over and over again.  The ridiculous statement is challenged by one of the other kids, and Linus replies, I “LOVE mankind.  It’s people I can’t stand.”  And the other, also involving Linus, has him walking into the room all spruced up and looking fine, showing off his new clothes.  As he leaves the room, Lucy (I think) yells after him, “Hey, you forgot to polish the back of your shoes.”  And Linus replies, “I didn’t forget.  I only care what impression I make when I walk into the room.  I don’t care what they think when I leave!”  I think Charles Schulz is one of the great writers of our age, I really do. 

Why have I put all this out here?  Because one of the really tough areas of divorce, as well as a challenge we experience when we are dealing with times of high stress, is the great tension that exists internally.  In divorce, that tension is often accompanied by an overwhelming sadness.  

I lost a dear aunt who passed away recently, one of my prayer partner aunts.  During the times of my divorce, one of her wise words to me was to find something each day that can bring a smile to my face.  She knew scriptures such as these: 

“A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”---Proverbs 17:22 ESV

“He will yet fill your mouth with laughter, and your lips with shouting.”---

Job 8:21  ESV

In the midst of the heartache and struggles, something that brings a smile is, indeed, good medicine.  And it is a very promising thing to hear that laughter will one day return.  If you are a person struggling these days for whatever reasons, perhaps this blog will have brought a little laughter…or maybe a groan…to lift your spirits just a bit.  I encourage you to supplement it with additional items of your own that bring laughter and joy to your world.  God knows that there are plenty of things to bring you down!

TL:dr  Sharing some humor with the advice that laughter is a good antidote to heaviness of heart. 

BTW:  Right now, we have a special offer on both volumes of Finding God at our website:  findinggoddevotionals

Fallen Humanity - and the Grace We Need

Monsters or Men? 

So there are a few names that are popping up a lot in the news these days:  Major Nidal Hasan from the infamous Fort Hood shootings, and Ariel Castro along with his victim Michelle Knight.   When you read the headlines or hear the news, do you ever wonder what is wrong with people these days?  

The headline that really caught my attention was the one that described Ariel Castro as a “monster”.  In his statement, Castro described himself as sick, and denied culpability for his disgusting behaviors.  And Hasan seems to have no regrets for the lives he has taken or the injuries he has inflicted.  Are these mere flukes of a society gone awry?  Or is there something more?  Contrast those two individuals with Ms. Knight who has responded in extremely difficult circumstances with dignity, grace and even forgiveness, while acknowledging that the evil she and her comrades experienced at the hands of Castro must be punished.  How can people be SO different from one another?

There are those who describe Castro, a twisted fluke of nature.  I would argue that he demonstrates the reality of human nature at its worst.  On a recent flight back from Phoenix, I happened to visit with a young woman from Europe, who had moved there some years ago from Iraq, and still apparently has family and friends in Iraq.  In the course of our discussion, she commented that Christians were now being killed in Iraq in frightening numbers, and she started to describe what was happening, but then stopped herself and said, “No, I won’t tell you how they are killing them.  It is just too awful.”  Too awful for words.  

Some years ago I was in Mexico City, and visiting with some refugees from El Salvador primarily, and as I listened to their stories, I was impacted by the kinds of atrocities being done by one group of humans to another down there.  I, too, heard things I will not describe to you, but I will mention that one individual said his family had all been “machine gunned” at the dad’s law office, and their bodies tossed over a cliff along with thousands of others.  He said his relatives (nor those of other victims) could not go retrieve the bodies for burial, because if they did try to claim a body, they would be “machine gunned” as well, and join their family members in the pit. 

I just returned from another trip to Arizona, and happened to stop in one of the wild west towns of New Mexico.  In that community, there was a news report back in the 1800’s, that it had been an unusual week, because nobody had been shot there.  So what we are hearing is nothing new.  In fact, you can go back throughout history and find incredibly awful things people have done to others, sometimes in the name of country, sometimes in the name of religion (sadly, including Christianity), and sometimes just out of pure greed or power hunger.  Some of the ways the ancient Assyrians treated their captives would turn your stomach…they were ruthless and evil. 

On the other hand, you can go back through history and find individuals whose deeds are more reflective of Ms. Knight, individuals whose behavior was exemplary, and who inspire us to greater things.  In my studies of the rabbinic teachings, they explain that every individual is born with the “inclination to good’ and the “inclination to evil,” and that the goal of life is to follow the good inclination, and hopefully have the scales tipped in that direction upon one’s return to our Maker.  

Christian teaching differs, though, from that concept.  While we would agree that there are the two directions pulling at us and beckoning us to deeds of good or evil, we also agree with Paul that though we might DESIRE to do good, the reality is that we all end up doing things that are evil, or at least fall short of the perfection of God, despite our best intentions.  That is due to the power of sin in our world and in our lives, resulting from the Fall by which all humanity is tainted.  Both Romans and Psalms, which it quotes, acknowledge that there are none righteous, but that all have gone astray.  What we see in Castro is the manifestation of that unrighteousness with, apparently, nothing to hold it in check. 

What we see in Hassan (and I would argue we have seen many times by people doing evil deeds in the name of whatever religion, including Christianity), is the deception we often experience, in which Satan appears as an “angel of light” leading us into deeds which in our deception we THINK are pleasing to God, but are actually the trickery of Satan to lead us to evil.   It is easy for us to sit and look at these kind of people, and acknowledge how awful they are, but believe we are not like them.  And most of us aren’t, at least in some ways.  I have never shot anybody, let alone attacked a whole fort full of soldiers who were my comrades in arms.  I have never kidnapped and held captive young girls, and abused them as Castro is charged with doing.  And probably you haven’t either.  But I know there are things I have done that I shouldn’t have, and later regretted.  I know that are things I wish I had done, but turned away from in selfishness or lack of compassion.  I bet you could name some of those kinds of things in your own life, as well. 

Sin may not find expression in the same form in our lives as it did in Hassan or Castro.  But it has found expression in ways that fits US, sadly enough.  It is for this reason God’s call to us is to repent, to turn away from those things, and to turn to Him for forgiveness and help in conquering the evils of our lives.  We may not have done what those two individuals did, but we also have not been everything God designed us to be, or fulfilled the highest standards he has established.  Which is why I find it so interesting when church folks want to condemn divorced individuals as terrible sinners worse than themselves.  I don’t know about you, but I am utterly dependent on and thankful for the mercy and grace God extends to us through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Without it, who knows which of us could have been the next Hassan or Castro?  As the old saying puts it:  “but for the grace of God, there go I.”

TL:dr  Castro and Hassan evidence for us the fallen nature of humanity, and our desperate need for the forgiveness of Christ.

Tapping into the Strength of God in Difficult Circumstances

 Where Do You Get Strength to Endure?

(Note:  I write this specifically of divorce, but many of the things I describe apply to life situations such as a loss of job, death of a loved one or facing any of a multitude of life’s extreme difficulties, so feel free to apply the principles to whatever challenges YOU face.)

I had someone ask a question recently that, as time as passed, I realize is actually a pretty good question.  To get to the point of the article (and the title), you are going to have to bear with a bit of explanation first.  The individual was discussing my book, Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce, and asked me why I decided to write it as a devotional book.  In case you haven’t seen it yet, Finding God is laid out as a daily devotional, with scripture readings and special readings for holidays, and the devotionals are divided into four “seasons” related to the divorce experience.   The first volume has Autumn and Winter, when things are falling apart and look very bleak in the process of divorce, and the second volume (at the publishers now) is Spring and Summer, when hope starts to come back and you start to discover how to live your life in this new reality.  The devotional has scriptures from almost every book in the Bible, the topics cover everything from dealing with attorneys to depression to finances to children’s schedules….all the stuff that goes with divorce.  So the individual actually had looked over a copy of the book, and yet asked why I wrote in devotional format.  I realize there is actually an important answer or two to that, and those answers could also be helpful for lots of other areas of our lives, so I will share the answers as my stepping stone into today’s topic.

My first answer was that it was, in part, because I like devotional books myself, and am kind of a devotional junkie.  Then I added something about how so much of the supporting help out there is in the form of a once a week setting, and you are left on your own the rest of the week.  And I think I mentioned that Christians often face not only the feelings of stress and failure in the divorce, but also can find ostracism from other Christians and maybe even wonder if God still cares.  As a result, many divorcing Christians end up leaving their church, and some even abandon God.  And so the purpose of the book is to provide something that can walk with the person day by day as they go through the struggle, and help them discover the scriptures that assure them of God’s role in their lives, hopefully helping them keep on track.  But the core answer to the question is actually none of those things, and yet all of those things.  The core answer is this:  Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce is written in devotional book format because divorce is a tough and confusing experience, sometimes even devastating, and is thus the perfect time to learn how to experience God’s help and guidance and an important time to lean on God.  In fact, I believe it is critical that we build that connection, because the temptations and the choices are many, while the process is emotionally and physically draining, that it can really lead a person to do very foolish or destructive things.  It is a critical time to make the wisest choices possible, realizing, of course that we all make mistakes as we struggle.

So my belief and purpose in this regard is to provide some reflections that can help readers tap into the resource that God is in our lives.  Many places in the Bible God invites us to come before Him to find strength and help, to look to Him for guidance and correction, to know that God is with us in all the trials of life and desires we look to Him for the meeting of ours life’s needs, to let Him be a refuge and protector for us, to confess our shortcomings and sins that we may know His forgiveness and mercy…and every one of those concerns are often desperately needed by individuals wrestling with divorce…especially those whose divorce is a result of an abandoning spouse.  In some cases, the situation can become so overwhelming as to create despair and the episodes of suicide and rage we so often tragically see in the news.  God can help us navigate the treacherous waters that dash against our lives, and keep us from crashing against the rocks.  But we must trust.  And we must be open to God’s voice.  And we must be diligent to seek Him.

Too many times I have known of individuals who end up divorced (whether their choice or not) and lose their faith in God.  They may even turn away from the church, (and quite possibly turned away from the church) and some who even abandon the ministry to which they were called.  I have personally known and seen good church and Christian leaders end up knocked so off balance that they fall away or fall apart in bitterness, disappointment or depression.  Many question the place of God in the midst of their turmoil.  And though many find their way back into church…often a different church…many do not. 

I believe the best prevention, the best restoration, the best source of strength and wisdom in the midst of this upheaval is tapping into the help of God.  To do so requires our attention to what God has taught, it requires time before Him, and it helps to hear the encouragements of others who have faced similar struggles.  Many of the scriptures in my devotionals are scriptures God used to give me strength when I  was the one who so desperately needed it.  I include passages that have offered me hope when I felt no hope, or called me to see beyond the circumstances to the God who dwells above the circumstances and can carry us through them.  The writings I have included are not so much to tell the reader how to think or explain everything I have learned about God, as they are to help the readers who are searching for their own answers and want some outside perspective to help guide their search.  I believe God’s heart is broken each time a marriage falls apart, but then breaks even further when the divorcing person allows the experience to turn him/her AWAY from God instead of TOWARD Him.  God has much to offer those who struggle, as scriptures describe God as being near the brokenhearted, the outcast, the weak, the fearful.  I want to encourage each reader to let God speak to you in the hard times of your life.  And my hope is that my book or my writings can help you experience His touch in some particular way that may be the very way God seeks to touch your life just now.  Your own strength can only carry you so far.  God’s strength in us will carry us through to victory!

TL:dr: Let the strength of God be your source for the endurance of your difficulties.  

Acknowledge What Is... and Then Let Go!

What’s Wrong With Me?

I am probably one of the few males in the world who really does like the old movie, “When Harry Met Sally.”  If you have seen it, you may remember the scene where Meg Ryan’s character finds out her boyfriend got engaged to somebody else, and she cries out that it wasn't that he didn't want to get married, it was that he didn't want to marry her, struggling with what is wrong with her that nobody wanted to marry her.  That is an emotion lots of people feel in one way or another during or after a divorce. 

What is wrong with me? 

That can be experienced lot so of different ways.  What’s wrong with me that he/she left me for another?  What’s wrong with me that I treated him/her so badly?  What’s wrong with me that I didn't learn my lesson and work harder to make the marriage good?  What’s wrong with me that he/she didn't want to live with me anymore?  What’s wrong with me that I couldn't see this coming?  What’s wrong with me that I couldn't make it all work out?  What’s wrong with me that makes me so unlovable?  What’s wrong with me that I didn't make the changes I should and so drove him/her away? What’s wrong with me that I chose to marry somebody like that in the first place?  As I look around at all the happy couples who have good marriages and love one another and manage to keep theirs going so well, what’s wrong with me?

Maybe I could offer a few possible responses that might be helpful, if you have ever felt that way (whether you are divorced or not!).  Let me illustrate first from a wedding I recently performed.  At the front of the sanctuary, as the ceremony was proceeding and it was my turn to share some thoughts for the beaming couple in front of me, I told the groom I had some bad news for him.  I explained that this woman he loved and was about to marry was, indeed, NOT PERFECT.  She had issues, struggles, shortcomings….she just was NOT a perfect person.  But then I reminded them that HE wasn't perfect either!  Marriage is the joining together of two imperfect people, with radically difference perceptions (remember, she is from Venus while He is from Mars!) to go build a home in an imperfect world.  So, part of what is wrong with you, or with me, or your ex is that none of us is perfect or were married to a perfect person, and that combination of imperfection can sometimes turn very sour.  This imperfection, by the way, is what the scripture refers to as our sinful nature, the fallen state not only of humanity but of the world system damaged by sin that leaves creation groaning for redemption, says Paul in Romans.

Secondly, maybe the breakup with your spouse isn't so much about what is wrong with YOU, as it is what is wrong with your EX!  I know some individuals who were abandoned by their spouses and left us all wondering, “WHAT was he/she thinking?  This was a GREAT person left behind!”  Or, maybe you beat yourself up asking why you couldn't have chosen more wisely in the first place.  There is truth in the old saying that love is blind, and so sometimes we cannot or will not see things that might have warned us.  But sometimes we made choices the best we knew how at the time, even under the guidance of God, and then life happens.  We just need to give ourselves a bit of credit that we did the best we could given the knowledge we had at the time, and reality is that we didn't

 know then what we know now, and that makes all the difference.

Finally, you can waste a lot of time trying to figure it all out, all to no purpose.  Sure, if you can identify things you could do differently in your life, or ways you can grow, or things for which you need to forgive your ex…these things are all helpful when looking back and asking where you have failed.  But to be able to identify the 30% that came from your issues and the 70% that came from your ex’s (or vice versa) really accomplishes nothing usable.  Truth is we each contribute to the successes and failures of our marriages, and we always have the opportunity to become more than what we are, to become more of what God desires us to be, and these are really the only useful purpose of asking what is wrong with us.  And I believe it is also useful to acknowledge that there are some things we cannot change on our own.  We need the alcoholic support group, we need the encouragement of friends, we need the help of our doctor or counselor, and most of all, we need God’s Spirit to guide, forgive and strengthen the things in our life that will create the futures that could possibly be. 

So what’s wrong with you?  Oh, probably lots of things.  And lots of things are wrong with me, too.  But neither of us is stuck there.  And it is the same boat that all of us are in.  So acknowledge what is, and then let it go.  Limit the time your rehash the past so that you will have the energy to build the future.

TL:dr  We can obsess over what we did wrong, or we can focus on the things we could possibly do RIGHT in days ahead. 

                        

Yep! Even Divorced Dad's can benefit from tips for Mother's Day!

Top Ten Mother’s Day Tips for Newly Divorced FATHERS!

1)    Be a stand up guy….do what you KNOW is right to help your kids honor their mother…time, money, shopping trips, card making, whatever.  (Regardless of what SHE does for Father’s Day.)

2)   Tell your kids that she is their mom and will always be their mom…to them and also to YOU.

3)   You may need to help the kids know sizes, tastes or with some cash and cards. 

4)   You may not expect it, but it might be a rough day without your wife...allow for that in your plans.

5)   Without your wife, you now have opportunity to spend all your time and energy on your own mother, if she is living.  Don’t waste it.  And let her know that her baby (you) are going to be okay.

6)   Speaking of your mother, remember she may be sorrowing over the effects of the divorce on her time with the grandchildren…and Mother’s Day may highlight that for her.  Help your kids make that up for her.

7)   Mother’s Day can raise the specter of all that you have lost in the divorce and renew feelings of anger and hurt.  But remember, your precious children from that marriage are WHY you are celebrating today.

8)   If this is your first post divorce Mother’s Day, and your church makes a point to honor mothers, it may be a good day to go fishing instead (but you didn't hear it from me, okay?)

9)   If you had a decent relationship with your ex-mother-in-law, consider sending a card to her as well.  But don’t do it if you've been mean to your ex!  At least, not without an apology.

10) Remember: by still teaching your kids to respect and honor their mother, you are also teaching them to respect and honor the step-mother you may one day marry!

Top Ten Mother’s Day Tips for Newly Divorced Mothers

Top Ten Mother’s Day Tips for Newly Divorced Mothers

(BTW:  It may be even harder for divorced women who are NOT mothers, as they experience an opportunity shattered.)

1)    Really, like you moms would need tips from me???  Most moms I know are smart enough to appreciate everything your kids do on Mother’s Day anyway, so the first tip is:  follow your heart with your kids….remember all the special bonds you have with your children as you celebrate and let those come out.

2)   Focus on your time with your kids….especially if your ex is doing things that could distract you, it isn't about him, it’s about you and your kids.  Leave your feelings about him somewhere else for the day.

3)   Let it truly be a day of rejoicing.  It may be tempting (and fully understandable) to be in mourning on this special day as you are aware that the family you had dreamed and planned for has been torn apart by the ravages of divorce.  But you still have your children, you are still their mom, and God still can do marvelous things through you.

4)   A challenge to you:  if your ex helped the kids shop or make their cards or anything to make the day better for you….send him a thank you card.  It may impact for the better, relations with your ex for many years to come.

5)   Mother’s Day can raise the specter of all you have lost in the divorce and renew feelings of anger and hurt.  However, your precious children from that marriage are WHY you are celebrating today...there IS something good to remember and celebrate.

6)   I know Mother’s Day is supposed to be about you, but consider getting outside of yourself:  see if there is another woman who is struggling with the day, and do something to help make her day a little bit brighter.

7)   Watch your budget…in the midst of the hurt it can be tempting to splurge, and that may create big problems later.

8)   Your own mother, if she is still living, is also suffering from limited opportunities with her grandchildren.  Do your best to make Mother’s Day special for your mom, their grandmother.

9)   The break with your spouse complicates lots of relationships.  If you had a good relationship with her, will you send a Mother’s Day card to your ex-mother-in-law?  Or make sure your children do so for that grandmother?  (But don’t do it if you have been mean to your ex!  At least not without an apology.)

10) The Bible honors the mothers of Israel:  Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel and Leah.  And Mary is honored as the mother of Jesus.  If you choose, even on Mother’s Day, to pursue the paths of godly motherhood, your heritage will also be established by God.

A Sneak Peak at Volume 2 - Spring and Summer - Seasons of Divorce

(Reposting this blog from yesterday... caught some errors in it and wanted to put out a corrected version...)

On it's way....

Richard has finished the second volume of Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce: Spring and Summer is in  preparation for the publisher!!   To give you a sneak peek we are posting Day 43 from the book.  

Like the first volume - volume 2 has six months worth of daily devotionals and is intended to walk with you on your journey through the divorce process.  

Day 43    1  Samuel 20:25-32; Genesis 4:3-11; and  James 1:19-20

  Rage.  Hatred.  Resentment.  Revenge.  Fury.  Wrath.  Bitterness.  Detest.  Rampage.  Shame.  Raving.  Temper.  Grudges.  Jealousy.  Malice.  Outrage.  Disgust.  Pretty intense words, huh?  Emotions that are pretty consuming, too.  Do you recognize any of those words?  Do you remember feeling that way in recent months?  Maybe you don’t have to go back months…..maybe this morning, or a few minutes ago.  I suspect a high percentage of us who have experienced divorce have faced most of these emotions at some point in the process.  Especially if there are particularly difficult circumstances to deal with, such as having been abused (or children who were abused), an ex who was viciously vindictive in the divorce, if you are the victim of an adulterer, if you were left financially devastated or abandoned at an extremely awkward time such as when expecting a baby.  I bet these don’t even scratch the surface.

  I want to offer a few thoughts to you in regard to these emotions.  It isn’t surprising that you may have felt any or all of these at some point in your divorce.  I know…I felt many of them, myself.  Because divorce literally shatters so much of our lives, and hits us at the core in a very extreme way.  It makes sense that extreme emotions would arise under those conditions.  What doesn’t make sense is to let those emotions begin to take over your soul, or to continue to nurture them and end up trapped in their nasty clutches.  Today’s scriptures include the story of two men whose lives went into ruin because they did just that, they allowed these powerful emotions to take control of their hearts and their choices as they expressed them in impulsive and damaging action against others.  Cain was so jealous of Abel, and so ashamed that his rage took over and he killed his brother, ending up cursed and rejected because of it.  Saul’s jealousy and rage against David took over and the story of God’s first chosen king in Israel turned from victory into tragedy as his life spiraled further and further downward into depression and eventually death.  Unfortunately, there is not an easy way out of these things.

  Now that you are in the springtime of your divorce, these emotions may be subsiding, less frequent and starting to heal over.  If not, then you may want to do some serious soul searching.  Is where those emotions lead really the place you wish to go?  If you allow their destructive nature to spit venom into your words and deeds, will that be the kind of example you wish to set for your children and friends?  James warns us that our anger is not the kind of anger God has; it is about us, not about justice.  Usually anger masks a deeper emotion, like being hurt, or feeling helpless and betrayed, or even being embarrassed and ashamed.  There is a way out with God’s help and learning to forgive.  It may require you to spend some time with your pastor or a professional counselor.  It is common to experience these in the heat of divorce….but dangerous to let them follow you into the next stage of your life.  I encourage you to be sure you have started doing the hard work of letting them go so you can find the peace of Christ to bring healing, serenity and self-control.  It will be well worth it.

Let us know what you think...  Like our page and share the post from the "Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce" facebook page on your page and be automatically entered into our drawing for a free signed copy of the book.  

Tragic Loss of Life

260 Souls Lost

So what was the final death toll up in Boston?  Three was the last I saw, and, of course, 144 wounded, some terribly wounded.  At the Texas factory, the death toll has risen to 15 with 200 injured.  Back to back tragedies here.  But did you see the news yesterday about the 260 killed by the collapse of a clothing sweat shop outside Dhaka, Bangladesh, with over 1000 injured?  (At least those are the last numbers I have seen…there is quite a variation out there.)  After the building had been ordered evacuated as unsafe the day before.  The workers were ordered back in by the owners the next day, told to ignore the cracks.  The same owners who are now in hiding. 

 

I got to travel to Dhaka last year, and heard it said that the Bengali people are the happiest people on earth.  And let me tell you, I have never seen smiles bigger than those I saw in Bangladesh…..sometimes on the faces of people who had absolutely nothing.  I passed by some of those sweat shops, some lit up in full swing late into the night.  While there are some very modern and beautifully structured buildings there, there are some that are clearly questionable….and I kind of wondered about the techniques they used….notice the bamboo in the pictures!  Since it isn’t our country, it doesn’t receive the attention that our national tragedies do, even though the death toll is significantly larger and the wounded exponentially more.  But it doesn’t have anything to do with us, right?  Except that the clothes from that building have been purchased by U.S. stores like WalMart or Dress Barn according to multiple articles.  CNN had an article that said: 

“The resulting catastrophe is the latest to befall Bangladesh’s accident-prone garment industry, which employs more than 4 million people — most of them women — but regularly comes under scrutiny for its slipshod safety standards.”  (http://myfox8.com/2013/04/25/nearly-200-killed-in-collapse-of-clothing-factory-in-bangladesh/)

FOUR MILLION PEOPLE!!   In “slipshod safety standards.”  And an “accident-prone garment industry.”          

                                                                                      

 I like finding bargains as much as the next person, but events such as this should give us all pause, especially in a time when we can find fair trade articles if we look for them.  We say that at least they have a job, but it isn't a job that really enables people to get ahead in life.  It is more like slavery at subsistence wages.  I would be remiss NOT to tell you that I got to see first hand that there are people working to help these women and their families have a chance at a better life.  Education in the most rural of areas.  Job skill training and self employ opportunities, as well as nutrition and agricultural guidance are among the things a few people are doing to make a difference in the lives of regular people.  It is a wonderful alternative to dangerous sweatshops that keep their workers in abject poverty.  You might consider supporting such groups, by making fair trade purchases and supporting groups that are working to improve conditions.

In Dhaka I saw toddlers playing in the dirty gutter with discarded video tape as their toys.  I saw individuals sleeping on pushcarts or three wheeled bikes, apparently the only beds they have.  I saw inner city and rural women, bound in poverty, but finding a way out through the training they were receiving. 

Anyway, does it bother anybody else that we have such a high value on lives in our country, but not so much when it is out of our purview?   Kind of an “out of sight out of mind” concept.  I also heard there have been tens of thousands killed in Syria’s uprising.  The tragic list of worldwide needless loss of life is staggering.  And it is also significant, I think, that the folks who died in Texas and Boston are in environments where they would have at least had the chance to find out about Jesus and enter eternity prepared and forgiven.  In Dhaka, such opportunities are extremely few, so the lives lost in garment tragedies there likely enter a Christless eternity. 

I guess I just wanted to share a bit.  For those of you going through a divorce, sometimes things like this can bring some perspective….because life could be a lot worse than it is even in divorce here in America.  For millions of people, their lives daily are far, far more tragic.  Pray for the people of Bangladesh, won’t you?  It so reminds me of Jesus’ statement that the laborers for the kingdom are few.  And as we mourn our losses here in Texas and Boston, could we also mourn those whose lives existed and ended in pathetically tragic circumstances?  And maybe give a second thought when we check our clothing tags…care a bit more about the person at the sewing machine.

TL:dr  Our national mourning could be expanded to also mourn those we give no second thought to, the garment factory workers in Bangladesh (May God have mercy on their souls.)