Blindsided

WHAT DO I DO?

I feel like I have been running a mile a minute lately, hence it has been a day or two since put a blog out, so today’s the day.  I hope you had a good Father’s Day, which can be very difficult after a divorce…believe me, I know what that’s like. 

Every once in a while I receive a contact from someone who has suddenly been blindsided by the emotional trauma of unexpected and undesired divorce, who reaches out to me asking for something that can help him or her figure out what to do.  After some I received recently, I decided it might be worth putting some ideas into a blog, because there are those who don’t write, but may well have the same kind of questions.  So here are ten suggestions, in no particular order, many of which were helpful for me some time ago:

1)     Do your best to maintain your normal routine…job, church, sleep patterns, etc.  It can be tough to keep it all going, but do what you can.

2)   Grant yourself some grace.  You are dealing with a major life event, don’t expect yourself to always be at the top of your game.

3)    One of my aunts gave a pretty useful piece of advice:  find something to 

bring you a smile or a laugh each day, just a little joy can help even the             darkest days.

4)   Do something nice for yourself now and then.  Go to a movie, buy some new clothes, visit a museum, have dinner out with a friend, just something to take you out of your context and let you focus on something else for a while.

5)   Keep going (or start going!) to church, and make time for daily prayer and Bible reading. It doesn’t matter whether you know what to pray or not, even just sitting in God’s presence is worthwhile. If you don’t know what to read, I would suggest finding a devotional that can help (which is why my books are set up in devotional format).  You can also read through the Psalms or the Gospel of John are good places to start.  As for church, it may feel very awkward, sitting alone after years of marriage.  It’s okay.  Sit in a different place, sit with new people, or if your own church is just too difficult to handle, take a leave of absence and attend another for a while. But make worship a priority, keep that connection with God going, because if you let it drop, it all too easily never returns.  

6)   Make time for appointments with a counselor and also with your pastor.  In some cases, money may be too tight for a counselor, but if so, some places like county mental health centers operate with a sliding scale, and pastors don’t usually charge.  A trained individual with a good listening ear can be extremely helpful.

7)   Find a support group.  DivorceCare is one I often recommend.  It is a good program, down to earth and real.  They list potential locations on their website, but not all places always have meetings, so you may have to followup with other locations to find one.

8)   I often encourage folks to look around their church to find an individual of the same gender who has been through divorce, and ask if they would spend some time with you over dinner or lunch now and then.  Very often those who have been through it are very willing to help others in the throes of the process.  

9)   Invest your attention and energy on your children, if you have them.  They are experiencing the major life event as well, but with much less understanding of what is actually going on.  They need your support.  And they need the support of your ex if he/she is still involved with them. They need all the support they can get, don’t shortchange them.

10) Finally, thought I’d offer a few Bible verses that I found helpful.  HOWEVER, I’m not going to quote them, I’m just going to give you the references and make you look them up for yourself.  This is just a random sampling of some that can be encouraging (there is a much more extensive list provided in my books on a daily basis and in the index).

 Joshua 1:5-9, Isaiah 42:1-3, Isaiah 43:1-7, Jeremiah 29:11-14, Psalm 121, Psalm 46, Psalm 62, Psalm 34, Psalm 42, Matthew 11:28-30, Matthew 28:20b, Romans 8:26-38, 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, John 16:32-33, John 14 the whole chapter, Hebrews 4:12-16

Hang in there. It does get better, but not always quickly.  God WILL get you through this.

Thankfulness

BURGLARY!

Living between two towns while making a long distance move has been difficult, trying, frustrating and sometimes very tedious.  Half of our possessions are in one town, the other half in another, and for months, the same was true of the two of us.  Now that Nola and I are together in our new town, we keep the roads between busy with our share of travels, finishing up home projects, packing, and bringing items with us as we wait for the completion of the remodeling project in our new home, and in preparation for putting our other home on the market.  One day, while we were at the new home, the one we are moving from was burglarized and we had some items stolen, including a few family heirlooms.  

It appears to me that the individuals were drug users, looking for quick cash or medicines they could use, based on the kinds of things they took, the areas they searched and the things they left behind.  I suspect they were very disappointed thieves, since much of the kind of things of interest to them were no longer there--prescriptions, coins or cash, jewelry, precious metal type things…you get the idea.  

My wife and I were appalled and troubled by the meticulous way the thieves had gone through so much of the things in the house, opening boxes packed for moving and leaving the contents strewn on the floor, open drawers and doors with the contents spilled out around, and general evidence of hours spent rummaging through things.  They did get away with some things of value, but not nearly what I suspect they were hoping to find.  

In the midst of our working on inventory for police and insurance, I mentioned to my wife that though this was clearly a troubling event, I did not experience it to be the same degree of trauma as divorce.  

Why?  

Because the individuals, I assume strangers, doing this were troubled folks with an indifferent disregard for others people in their self-serving search for cash for drugs (assuming I am correct).  In contrast, the devastation of divorce was the betrayal by someone known, once loved and trusted, and the loss was not merely material goods, but the dreams and hopes for future plans, as well as an intact home and marriage, along with a dozen other intangible things that gnawed at my soul through that awful experience.  (I realize that for some of my readers, their need to get out of an abusive marriage will mean that their experience of divorce is far different.)

Well, I don’t want to belabor it all, but decided I would like to share with you, my readers, something I shared with my congregation at church today.  As I was wandering around the house, taking photographs, reboxing items and searching through piles, I found my mind wandering to a story I recalled about an earlier believer who had once been robbed.  I thought it was Menno Simons, founder of the Mennonites, but his story was about when some people were destroying his house.  Since I did not have internet at the old home, a friend searched for me, and found the story and quote much as I remembered it, but that it was Matthew Henry instead.  My friend sent it to me in the following format:

Many years ago, Matthew Henry, a well-known Bible scholar, was once robbed of his wallet. Knowing that it was his duty to give thanks in everything, he meditated on this incident and recorded in his diary the following:

Let me be thankful, first, because he never robbed me before; second, because although he took my purse, he did not take my life; third, because although he took all I possessed, it was not much; and fourth, because it was I who was robbed, not I who robbed.

Matthew Henry (1662-1714)
English Non-conformist Bible commentator

While working on the house, I found myself thinking about other things to be thankful for, most of which I shared this morning in worship.  I thought you might find it helpful in some way if I shared those thoughts with you as well.

I am thankful that I had friends and relatives near the old house who saw the damage and were able to help secure the house until I got there.

I am thankful that it did not happen during one of the times my wife was at the house by herself.

I am thankful that neither of us suffered any physical harm.

I am thankful that, although the house was ransacked and rummaged, it was not destructively vandalized.

I am thankful that I have never been in a situation where I felt so desperate that I would consider committing such a crime myself.

I am thankful that I have never experienced the slavery of drugs that would turn a person into such a desperate, self-centered and thoughtless person.

Having just helped serve a breakfast at a nearby homeless shelter, I am thankful that I even have a house and possession that COULD be vandalized or stolen, for many do not.

I am thankful that, although some meaningful things were taken, some of the more sentimental items I have (which are virtually worthless to anyone but me) were not taken or harmed.

I am thankful that I live in a place and time where there is insurance available against such losses, so that the financial loss is mainly in the form of the inevitable deductibles (though, I suppose, some things will be overlooked as we try to discern what was taken).

And I also prayed for the individuals who took the items, because as I wandered around, I saw many scriptures posted around, many symbols of faith, many book titles that beckon toward God, including a communion poster that says, “Jesus of Nazareth requests your presence at a supper to be given in his honor,” which was near the window through which they entered the house.  Who knows whether one of those messages that they encountered over and again will be the very instrument that one day works into their hearts and souls to lead them to repentance and a personal relationship with Christ, resulting in their acceptance into heaven when they die.  

As I recall learning during my divorce, some things in life are more important than others, and really, the things we surround ourselves with are really “just stuff,” not the essence of what matters in life.  

Finally, I would especially add, as I watch the news in the last few days, I find myself having much to be thankful for when I see the devastation so many in Texas are experience from the fury of Hurricane Harvey.  Please join me in prayer for all of Texas, the victims and those that are suffering losses in this time.  In comparison, my wife and I are richly blessed, and have little to complain about.  

The Eclipse and Divorce Connection

TOTAL ECLIPSE

So people are all excited around here, because tomorrow is the date of a total eclipse of the sun.  It’s supposed to happen around noon, and is said to be a pretty rare phenomenon, because the eclipse will be seen from one side of the United States to the other.  

I remember watching a significant solar eclipse back when, making a little hole in some cardboard to be able to view it appropriately.  Now they are selling or giving away special glasses.  I haven’t decided about my own participation yet, but the image of an eclipse got me to thinking.

There are ways in which the eclipse is useful as a parallel to the experience of divorce.  

Just as one can see the gradual darkening of the sun from one edge to the other, so in divorce, one experiences darkness encroaching upon the brightness that was marital love, until darkness is all that is left and there seems to be no light shining at all.  For most divorcing folks, the darkest days of divorce come through the court battles and the lonely times in the aftermath.  During that time, one wonders whether the sun will ever shine again.  But then, gradually, there come rays of hope, the darkness begins to fade and one moves into a new chapter of life as the sun starts shining again and life resumes with fresh brightness on the other side.

This may seem a rather lame comparison, but if you are the one who is in the darkest `moments, it can be some encouragement to know there is hope of the sun shining again and life moving forward into something new and fresh.  The awareness that the time of pain, loss and loneliness is only temporary makes the experience more manageable, more endurable, and a little less threatening.

When one experiences even the tiniest ray of hope in the midst of those dark days, it becomes a symbol of more to come, or the promise that brighter days are on their way.  That is a big deal, when one is in the midst of despair, and has a hard time believing that things will ever get better.

Which brings me to you, my reader.  Perhaps you are the one in the eclipse of divorce, and need to be encouraged to remember that, just as the sunshine will return tomorrow, life’s sun will come again to your life when these darks days pass.  If, on the other hand, you are a person whose life is not caught up in divorce, I encourage you to realize that YOU could be one of the rays of hope for someone struggling in the dark days of divorce.  A kind word.  A simple greeting card.  An encouraging phone call.  An invitation to dinner or night out at the movies.  Maybe even a simple hug accompanied by the promise of prayer.  Those first rays of light don’t have to be anything spectacular.  Just enough to foretell better days ahead.  

All around us are people whose lives are stuck in one kind of an eclipse or another.  It is a great thing to get to be the one who brings a bit of sunlight into a despairing heart.  Look for your opportunity this week, the week of eclipse!

Certainly

CERTAIN UNCERTAINTY

How are you at handling uncertainty?  Uncertainty, and learning how to handle it, are important parts of our lives.  Whether or not you handle it well is something you will discover about yourself when in the process of divorce if you didn’t know it beforehand.

Life is filled with uncertainty; we live with it every day, although we don’t always acknowledge the fact.  In divorce, uncertainty is very much thrust in your face.  

You may face uncertainty regarding how the court will rule time and time again.  

You may face uncertainty as to what all will need to change in your lifestyle as a result of the divorce.  

You may face uncertainty about how you will manage to survive financially on your own.  

You may face uncertainty about how your children, your family, or your friends will react, understand and relate to you and your situation in the future.  

You may face uncertainty about who will keep the house, and whether, if it is you, whether you will be able to keep it for long. 

You may face uncertainty about whether you are making the right choices, time and time again.  

You may face uncertainty about how you will like living alone and starting all over.

But then again, life always has uncertainties, divorce or not.  Most of us live with an illusion of certainty, which probably keeps us from going insane, but in our more sobering moments, we realize the uncertainty of our world.  Though we act like we are certain of things, there are any number of which we are actually not as certain as we think.  We expect we will still have a job when we go to work, but buildings burn unexpectedly, economies fluctuate, companies buy out other companies and change personnel…things just happen.  We go to bed at night expecting to get up the next morning to another day, but many people wake up to a day in which everything suddenly changes:  a heart attack leaves them hospitalized or paralyzed, a car accident ends a life or causes significant physical injuries, a tornado, hurricane, mudslide or sinkhole collapses homes.  

I used to live in a town  whose local corporate memory was how the rail workers chose to go on strike, just before the stock market crash of 1929, and the town never really recovered.  We have all heard of Enron and the other stories where retirement funds people had counted on were drained by greedy and self-centered individuals, leaving people without the security net they had expected in their old age.  Governments are toppled, terrorists and random criminal acts occur, nations rise and fall; life IS uncertain.

How do you cope with that uncertainty?  Some of us build artificial assurances, insulating ourselves from the realities of life, denying the fragility of it all, until we are forced to face all the uncertainty that really exists.  Others fight against uncertainty, putting in as many safeguards as they can with backup plans, insurance, security systems, dietary and preventive medical choices…all sorts of ways we construct our “castles” of certainty, denying that even the best of them are not as certain as we think.  

Is there anything certain?  Well, I guess that depends.  Some say the only things certain are death and taxes.  I would agree that death is a certain thing…unless, of course, you happen to be living when Jesus returns.  Taxes…well, you can decide on that one!  But there are other certainties, though they are certain to us only through faith.  

Although, if you think about it, all the other things we choose to accept as certain in our lives…health, financial stability, court justice, relationships..they all require faith as well.  

It is just that in those cases, our faith is in something unworthy of our complete trust…health fails, people betray us, courts disappoint us, and  I suspect there were those in the Confederate States during the Civil War who were confident in their amassed wealth of Confederate dollars.  

The promises of God, however, are worthy of trusting as certain, because they are guaranteed by the one Being in all the universe who never changes, never lies, never fails.  

In the uncertainties of life, and in the extreme sense of uncertainty that comes during divorce, I encourage you to discover the certainty that exists through faith with God.  Certainty of such promises as “God works all things together for good for those who love him,” or when God promises that he “will never fail you nor forsake you,” or when God says that “when you pass through the waters I will be with you…when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned,” or “whoever believes in him shall never be put to shame,” along with all the promises of God’s provision for our eternal security with him beyond this life.

When facing the uncertainties of divorce, the fears of the future, the hurt of the losses, the worries about how you will make it, I encourage you to trust that God has not lost control, that God will help you when you cry out to him, that as you continue to love and seek him, God will work even the worst of our experiences into something good.  When you are surrounded and overwhelmed with uncertainty, know that you can be certain of the God who loves you and will work on your behalf.  As you develop and grow in that certainty of God, it is enough to make all the other uncertainties fade to insignificance.

Thinking About Children

What About the Children?

My wife teaches.  I have pastored churches and been involved in ministries that include all ages of youngsters.  A significant shift has taken place in our culture that is pervasive, and it can be most readily illustrated in the form of assumptions:  a) you can no longer assume that children with different last names are not brother and sister living in the same household; b) nor can you assume that the children in a home all have the same father or mother; c) nor can you assume that a children you know have the same name as the parent with whom they reside, IF they reside with a parent at all.  Grandparents, aunts and uncles, step-parents, foster parents---families are very much more complicated these days than in years gone by.  Also, children are very much more confused about marriage and family, and often enter our presence with private heartaches, losses and fears.

A radio interviewer once told me the story of a family member of hers whose ex, after years of being divorced, would still drive the children to a meeting location supposedly for the purpose of letting the children go to their dad’s for the weekend, when she in fact already knew that he would not be there because had called in advance with a conflict of schedule. Why did she do that?  Because then she could tell the children that his not coming proved he didn’t love them.   Then she would turn around and drive home.  Of course, I have no way to verify the story, but sadly, I find it very believable.  Because I am sorry to say, it is only one of a multitude of similar stories I have heard down through the years.

In many ways children suffer the most through a divorce.  It is not an insignificant statistic that a high percentage of American children living in poverty are in single parent homes.  Granted, there are times a divorce actually gives children a chance at a more normal life that protects them from abuse.  But most of the time, divorce is about the adults, not due to concern for the children.  Some parents work very hard to help their children navigate the tough waters of splitting parents, doing their best to protect the children from unnecessary heartbreak.  Other parents use their children as weapons to wreak vengeance in anger at their exs.  And there are parents who are good pretenders, saying they are acting in the child’s best interest and doing it in such a way as to convince the children they are, but who in fact are manipulative and deceptive about the web they weave.  In that case, it may be a long time or perhaps never that the children learn for themselves to understand and appreciate the “enemy” parent for who he or she really is without the colored lenses provided by such a parent. 

Children should not have to hate one parent in order to be able to love the other.  Children should not have to choose which parent to be loyal to and whether they can have a loving relationship with each.  Children should not have to be pawns dealing with issues that the adults in their lives are unable or unwilling to deal with themselves.  Children should not suffer the brainwashing that a divorcing parent might try to impose.  Children already feel insecure enough as the world they call home crashes down around them, every effort should be made to provide assurance for them in as many other areas as possible.  The broken hearts of children should experience healing from their parents as agents of God loving, protecting and caring for the little ones in their charge.

I realize that even the best of parents makes mistakes, and that children even in the best of families may suffer heartbreak and wander far astray.  So when I say the things I did above, I mean we should try our best, trusting God to make up for those times we fall short.  But for parents whose actions are more self-serving than children serving, I remember with trembling the words of Jesus in Matthew 18:5-7----

And whoever receives one such child in My name receives Me; but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck, and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.

The Catholic Church, Divorce, Gays and Dependence on God's Mercy

Pope Francis and Divorce

Did you see the news articles about a recent report from a synod of Catholic Bishops to Pope Francis?  The report recommended that the Catholic Church consider relaxing it's position on on gays, premarital cohabitation and divorce. 

Although, the Vatican has also been quick to point out that what was released was more of a working document, with nothing decided or definitive yet, it also marks a dramatic shift in the Catholic Church's rigid stance on these issues.  They also followed up by stating that this was only a beginning of a discussion and the church was far from making policy decisions about these very sensitive issues. 

I am interested in focusing on the divorce part of this, since that is kind of the focal point of these blogs.  And I want you to know upfront and that I am not Roman Catholic, (although my wife used to be), so I speak as an outsider.   I am intentionally not Catholic.  

Though I know and respect many good Catholics, there are just some doctrinal and biblical issues that cause me to be more at home in another church.  Know also that this blog is not merely about the Catholic Church’s actions, but their recent statements raise what I think is an important topic. 

For those who are also not Catholic, it might be helpful to know why this is a big deal in the Catholic Church.  Most Catholics I have ever known, experience the topic of divorce as nearly taboo within their church: not only is it discouraged, it is frowned upon to the point that even in the worst marriages, divorce it is seen as a terrible option and failure.  

The Catholic Church’s teaching is that marriage is a sacrament, a spiritual moment of divine significance, and divorce does not automatically free someone from their sacramental obligations.  Therefore divorce alone does not rescind the marriage vows, so if you marry another person without the process of annulment - you are defined as someone who is in an adulterous union - a consequence that results in the exclusion of participation in the sacraments of the church.  Therefore, you would no longer be able to participate in the Eucharist, or communion, or any other of the seven sacraments of the church.   So while divorce is strongly looked down upon, remarriage presents real issues for someone who wants to be an integrated member of their church.  

If you know history, you may recall this topic caused some serious royal problems in England, which eventually resulted in the formation of the Anglican Church.

The alternative provided is annulment of the previous marriage, in which you pay the Church some money (the amount seems to vary depending on the kindness of the priest, and it can be quite expensive) and go through the appropriate paperwork.  In this process, it doesn’t matter whether the marriage lasted 6 months or 40 years, it can be annulled.  

Annulment is the way the church and you agree to officially declare that it wasn’t really the spiritual union that marriage should be (so somehow it doesn’t count), and then you are free to marry.  This is their way of protecting communion and the sanctity of marriage while dealing with divorcing individuals.  For us non-Catholics, it seems very odd, even if we also believe in the sanctity of marriage and consider divorce to be a last resort option not to be taken lightly. 

For a Catholic, to be refused Communion is an important issue, as it would be in many churches.  Important for a catholic, because of the denominational belief in the sacramental nature of communion as a necessary part of salvation.  The impact is that a person who has already been struggling with divorce and then begins to put life back together is faced with the difficult choice between remarriage or communion, unless an annulment is pursued and granted.  

For many though, the annulment itself feels like a charade, so the whole thing can become very awkward.  So for the leaders of the Roman Church to be discussing ways to be more sensitive to the divorced is a very significant thing. 

All of that discussion illustrates how difficult it is to be divorced and remain part of the Catholic Church; it is a very awkward time.  A discussion of how to be more welcoming to divorced individuals is very important.  

Maybe somebody is finally realizing divorce isn’t the unforgiveable sin, if sin is the right word for divorce anyway? (As I pointed out to a friend, if it is a sin, it is the only sin that the Bible also gives specific instructions on how to commit it properly!)  Or maybe they are recognizing the reality that many who end up divorced go on to have meaningful and fulfilling marriages that deserve to be recognized.  Maybe it is that the pope is trying to help his leaders realize that people are important and good doctrine should not be pushing them away, that divorce isn’t a good enough reason to make them feel like second class citizens or exclude them from Communion when they move on in life.  

Now, before you non-Catholics start to gloat or look down our nose at the Catholics (which by the way, is a sin), I would want to point out that we non-Catholics have plenty of issues of our own around divorce, and have plenty of ways we also create a sense of second class citizenship for divorced individuals.  Sermons that strongly condemn divorce while ignoring the biblical provisions for it result in alienation for divorced individuals.   The exclusion of divorced individuals from various leadership roles also isolates and seperates those individuals as well.  

Every divorced person I know recognizes and celebrates the incredible beauty of those who have 30, 40, 50 year marriages, people who have fought hard to make their marriage work. But there can be no smugness for the success of such marriages, the better choice being the humility demonstrated by a happily married individual I knew who, upon hearing of a friend’s divorce responded, “But for the grace of God, there go I.”  

Do you ever think your church (or you personally, for that matter), needs to find ways to be more welcoming to people whose life experience include divorce?  

I know of many instances where a pastor has made statements that, hopefully unwittingly, communicated to the divorced in the congregation that they did not truly belong…not really, because they had failed in their marriage.  Yet those same pastors would consider themselves welcoming to people who have struggled with divorce.  

Maybe before you decide whether your church is welcoming or not, you ought to ask a divorced person in the congregation who trusts you enough to be totally honest about it with you.  You might be surprised at what you hear.  

It seems to me there is something fundamentally troubling about this whole thing, and that is the singling out of divorce as an issue to be discussed, while other relevant issues can so often be ignored or maybe even tacitly condoned.  In the Catholic Church, an example would be the devastating instances of molestation by clergy that have come to light in recent years, but so often poorly handled and rarely condemned as rapidly and strongly as it should have been.  That, it seems to me, is much worse than divorce.  

Non-Catholic churches also have had plenty of scandals (or church secrets) involving pastors, youth leaders, deacons, church organists, and church secretaries.  The toleration or condoning of such things as gossip when disguised as prayer requests.  God's gospel of love proclaimed in a harsh, judgmental manner.  And finally, as a friend of mine likes to point out, the sanctimonious gluttony observed at every potluck fellowship dinner.  

It just seems so wrong to continue such blanket condemnation of the divorced without consideration for individuals or circumstances, while we know that there are other significant issues that we choose to ignore.  (It might be a good moment to remind yourself of verses like Matthew 7:3-5, Romans 2:1-4 and following, or 1 Corinthians 10:12.)

It is amazing to me how frequently Christian leaders like to rant and rail against the sins of others, rather than addressing the sin that affects themselves or their own congregations.  We have to face the reality that sometimes people end up divorced, and sometimes that occurs even though there has been great effort by at least one partner, if not both, to save the marriage.  The reality is, even Catholic marriages fail and people move on in life.  

In fact, reality is none of us are perfect; we all are dependent on God’s mercy.  

In my opinion, when dealing effectively with the theological issues surrounding divorce, requires a balancing act between principles and the genuine needs of people.  I understand the importance of sound theology - and to behave in a manner that suggests that theology doesn't matter - is contrary to God’s teachings.  But to become so harsh in one’s theology that there is no place for individuals struggling in life...  Or the opposite extreme focusing only on God’s love while ignoring God’s call to righteousness...   turns the gospel to mush.

When I look at the life of Jesus, I have no doubt that his theology was sound.  Yet, his theological principles never caused him to turn people away, though some chose to leave.  Instead, Jesus’ theological principles compelled him to invite people to come.  Even people whom the “official religious teaching” declared were unworthy of God’s mercy.  

So maybe Pope Francis and his Bishops have decided that Jesus had a pretty good idea after all, huh?  I hope so.  I’m sure there are some good religious folk who aren’t going to like the idea.  

But God might, just might, be pleased when somebody who claims his name recognizes that all people are important to God.  Even people whose lives are filled with heartache, struggle, poor choices or questionable behaviors.  From God’s perspective, they are important enough that Jesus was willing to die for them.  

If your church has told you (or told others) something less, then maybe your church could learn a thing or two from Pope Francis.

Or maybe you need to change churches.  At least, that’s what I think about it all.

Taking the High Road

The Unsettling of Settlement

People will often advise those divorcing that if they can work out the details amicably, that is the best way to go.  By negotiating with one another and coming to agreements, court time and attorney fees can be avoided, along with the animosity that can often arise through such processes.  I have known some individuals who accomplished that in exemplary fashion.  Others I have known were able to work out many of the details, but have points of disagreement that ultimately have to be decided by a judge.  And still others have seemingly battled every single detail in the courtroom.

I have also noticed that sometimes it is not merely the divorcing individuals who create these difficult situations, sometimes the attorneys can foster animosity in one fashion or another, though the truly professional ones adhere to a code of ethics that lifts them above the petty fray.   But not all of them operate with that kind of integrity. 

 Many people use mediators, sometimes court appointed, who can assist in the process of settlement, and thus make for a more amicable divorce.  In a radio interview I had out in the San Francisco Bay area as part of a panel discussing divorce and the church, one of the panel members worked at a Christian Mediation service, which I think is a great idea, as it brings Christian values into the process that can be so troubling.  Consideration of the possibility of reconciliation can                                                                                                               also be an important part of a                                                                                                                healthy negotiation discussion.

In all of these difficult discussions, one of the most troublesome things that happens is the reneging on an agreement by one or the other of the parties involved.  Sometimes, (whether done individually, with a mediator, or through attorneys) a discussion can result in agreement, only to have somebody change their mind once the meeting is over.  Binding mediation seeks to limit this risk, but it cannot preserve everything.  I have always believed that, until the final settlement is approved by the judge, the participant remains in a state of limbo.  And unfortunately, far too many times even when the final court settlement issues orders, one individual or the other will choose to ignore them by neglecting an agreed upon visitation schedule, or pursuing bankruptcy just to avoid having to make court ordered payments.  You would think that such action wouldn’t be legal, and sometimes it isn’t, but the cost and uselessness of filing contempt of court charges means that individuals too often get away with very shabby behavior.

If this is how it is in your case, I encourage you to take responsibility only for yourself.  

Regardless of how others may behave in the negotiation and settlement process, choose to take the high road yourself, adhere to noble principles and act in such a way that you can look yourself and anyone else squarely in the eye with your head held high, free from the shame and guilt that comes through dishonesty and cutting corners.  

Then, as you experience the uncertainty of so many facets of your life, dependent on decisions made by a judge you may not know and a process that treats you in cookie cutter fashion, remind yourself that there is only one consistently faithful and certain being in life, and that is God.   I challenge you to make God the rock that keeps you steady and strong, as the very earth shifts daily under your feet.