Wisdom for the Injured...and Refusing to Settle for Something Less

Happiness, Holidays and Healing.

I had to stop with three, otherwise I would have a 4-H sort of thing going, and that would just raise all sorts of copyright issues!  And, just to set the record straight, I DO like When Harry Met Sally, but I don’t know that I would really rank it as my favorite…primarily because I’m not a “favorite” sort of person, I like all sorts of things.  Although, would have to say, there aren’t many Meg Ryan shows I don’t enjoy…

Now, back to the topic at hand…the 3 H’s above.  The holiday season, for those who are not married, often creates a sense of unhappiness in the midst of everybody else’s “happiest time of the year.”  Seeing families and couples in the midst of holiday preparation and celebration can accentuate for single people that they don’t have that special someone around in their lives.  A divorced person adds to it that awareness that, in the not so distant past, they DID have such a person around, who is now gone.  The same is true for a widowed person.   I think the hardest of all are those who experience the reality that the holiday season have a high rate of divorce applications surrounding it, as if this holiday was the last hurrah.  So, instead of happiness, loneliness, sorrow, uncertainty and pain might be the experience.  Which is the harsh reality of our world anyway, that there are always hard things as well as joyful things, and we have to learn to handle both.

Because of these hard things, many people, especially out of loneliness, start intensely seeking someone to marry or at least to be with.  Perhaps you have seen, as I have, individuals who divorce, shortly after getting into another relationship that ends up being very shortlived and generally not very healthy.  Perhaps they get together out of the loneliness, or a neediness to be with someone, or even just a physical attraction and desire.  Sometimes I think there are some who seek that individual believing that if they can just get with the right person, everything will be okay, that, “I will be okay.  I won’t hurt anymore.  I won’t be lonely anymore.  I will be complete.”  Holiday loneliness can drive such an urgency.  But the truth is, all too often, these kind of relationships do not solve problems and issues, instead they exacerbate the problems and issues that are there, or maybe even create more of them!

Today, I just want to encourage my readers to be wise.  How much better it is to experience some inner healing before trying to start into another relationship.  Remember that young surfer who was attacked by a shark and lost a limb?  She didn’t get back on the surfboard that day.  She did get back on eventually, but first she allowed time for her wounds to heal.  We see the same thing all the time in professional sports.  When a player is injured, they are taken off the field or court.  They generally don’t come back out during the game.  And maybe not for several games.  They get back into the game once the healing is complete.  Although the wounds of divorce and broken relationships are not physically visible, and the healing is harder to identify within, the wounding still needs time for healing before an individual “gets back into the game,” so to speak. 

Imagine a football team on the field of players who are all injured, some limping down the field, others having arms that can no longer move to throw or catch a ball, and others walking around dazed because of their concussions.  I suspect it would not be very hard to defeat that kind of a team, don’t you agree?  So, by analogy, doesn’t it make sense that if you are going to get into another relationship, it would be wisest to do so when you are in good condition, when your wounds have healed up, when you can bring a more healthy YOU into that relationship?

Some talk about how many years it takes to heal from divorce, sometimes tying it to the number of years married.  I have heard one year of healing for every four or five years of marriage.  But too often, people rush back into the field of relationships half healed, like the players of the team I described.  Some people may do that to try to prove that THEY aren’t the people who are somehow to blame for the marriage, that THEY are okay!  But to rush back too fast increases the odds of another relationship failure.  And the statisticians say that in second or third marriages, the odds are already way against us. 

The best holiday gift for those who have been relationship wounded, is the gift of healing. 

I like that the prophecies about Jesus mention the phrase (echoed by Wesley in his Christmas carol “Hark the Herald”) “risen with healing in his wings.”  Christmas is about healing, healing of sin, sorrow and the woes of earth.  I encourage you to allow Christmas to remind you to seek the healing from God that brings wholeness, rather than settling for something less.  How much better it is for two people who have experienced healing and restoration to join together in marriage than for two still limping in pain to try to start something fresh in their weakened state.  If you have a friend or family member who you believe is rushing into a new relationship too quickly, though they may not be willing to hear what you have to say, it is still a caring thing to encourage them to consider slowing down.  As I have heard said many times, “If it is truly love, it will still be love in a year from now, because love can wait.”

TL:dr  New relationships are best pursued when healing is complete, not from the state of loneliness or desperation.

God is Not Interested in Divorcing You

God didn't divorce you!!!

So have been working on some publicity materials for the Kansas Book Festival, where I will have a booth with my books available.  While doing so, a friend shared a conversation he had with a friend, as he was explaining my books to her.  As he went over the goal of trying to help divorcing folks in their relationship with God, which can often be strained during divorce, his friend’s observation was that it made sense, since being divorced from an ex-spouse does NOT mean that God is somehow divorcing you, or that you are divorcing God!  In other words, though this lifelong relationship with a spouse has ended, your relationship with God extends beyond the fall of the gavel in the courtroom.  And then, as I discussed this concept with my wife, her comment was that, though she felt like a lot of other people had backed away from her during her divorce, she never felt like God had pulled away.  All of which leads to today’s blog!

The wording is odd, isn’t it?  To think of God involved in a divorce from His people?  But the experience of divorce can, for some, feel like it has broken that relationship as well, because it can feel like you have let God down, or God has let you down, as you watch the failing of the vows you had once made “before God and this company.”  And it can feel that way because sometimes God’s people may act that way toward you, like you no longer fit in, like you aren’t as good a Christian, or even inform you that you aren’t welcome in their congregation any longer.  Most Christians aren’t that way, I don’t believe, and many of those who give that impression don’t even realize they are doing so, because that isn’t what they intend.  But that does not alter the reality of how it can feel. 

B

And yet, we instinctively seem to know that the idea of divorcing God or God divorcing us is just bizarre to us, we understand God to be a more loving and forgiving being than that.  Now, before I get too far along, let me suggest that the scripture is pretty clear that there is, indeed, a separation that exists between us and God, created by our sinful nature and participation in sinful acts…we simply cannot be close to God and involved with sin at the same time.  God won’t accept that.  But that is a far cry from the situation in which someone has been in committed, loving relationship and suddenly finding that relationship dissolved because God chose to bail out of it, or because it was a side effect of the dissolution of our marriage.  But my friend (and his friend) point out that divorce does NOT mean also divorce from God!   In fact, as I reflected on this idea, it made me think of a passage in one of my favorite biblical books, Hosea.  As Hosea describes the varied relationship God was having with his people Israel, and as God contemplates the point of no return, he finally speaks His heart out and declares:

⁸ How can I give you up, O Ephraim?

    How can I hand you over, O Israel?

How can I make you like Admah?

    How can I treat you like Zeboiim?

My heart recoils within me;

    my compassion grows warm and tender.

⁹ I will not execute my burning anger;

    I will not again destroy Ephraim;

for I am God and not a man,

    the Holy One in your midst,

    and I will not come in wrath.  

---Hosea 11:8-9  ESV

So today’s blog is to simply offer an affirmation in conjunction with my friend and his friend:  God is not interested in being divorced from you.  And if other areas of your life have been splintered through divorce (or other difficult life experiences), that splintering cannot impinge upon God’s focused and committed love for you.  Don’t let anything ever convince you that God has turned His back on you…if anything, in these times of tragedy, He may be pulling you closer as He reaches out with compassion, even in the darkness of divorce.  And I encourage you to not let divorce impact your desire to reach back to God!

Taking Meaning from Martin Luther King

“And in the last days it shall be, God declares,

that I will pour out my Spirit on all flesh,

and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy,

    and your young men shall see visions,

    and your old men shall dream dreams;” 

--Acts 2:17 ESV

This week in Washington, D.C., there was a big celebration to commemorate the date when the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. gave the speech referred to as the “I Have A Dream” speech at the Lincoln Memorial steps.  I was young in the 60’s, and remember some of the race relation events of the 60’s and 70’s well, but others are more sketchy, including the presentation of his speech.  However, for years I taught a speech class at a community college, and every class had to watch or listen to certain great historical speeches, and read others, and King’s ’63 speech was ALWAYS included.  What surprised (and saddened me) was the number of students who were aware of the speech, but had never read or watched it in its entirety.  They were sadly deprived.

Having grown up in a multiracial community, and always attended schools that were just naturally “integrated,” I had a hard time understanding (and still do, for that matter) those who sought to hard to maintain segregation and discrimination.  Just doesn’t make much sense to me.  I love King’s line about judging an individual, “not by the color of his skin, but the content of his character.”  Actually, there are a number of lines I love.  And I love the dramatic style of presentation.  It is more than just what people call the style of the “black pulpit.”  He had a gift, and when he generates excitement and energy in that speech, raising pitch and volume up and down like a rollercoaster, then when he reaches the peak with, “Free at last, Free at last, Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last,” he doesn’t stand for applause, he doesn’t draw other conclusions, he doesn’t even say, “thank you.”  Instead, he raises the pitch and energy to the peak, and walks away leaving the words ringing in their ears, because he understood it wasn’t the man, it was the message that mattered, and the best way for people to hear the message of that speech was for him to get out of the way.  If you have never watched it through, I highly recommend it.

I didn’t know MLK, Jr., obviously.  I know some things about his life, but I also know there are things that have been sealed away, and that he wasn’t a perfect person.  So I don’t think the man needs to be on a pedestal, but he certainly needs to be appreciated and the message he brought should be valued.  But as I listened to the various politicians and entertainers bring their thoughts (and I didn’t listen to that many completely through), I was struck by what I perceived as the difference.  They spoke about the movement and the dream…which are both important.  And they elevated the man.  But it also felt like there was plenty of ego involved as well….could be my bias.  But I wasn’t so impressed.  I began to wonder why, and came up with what I think made a difference.

King had a dream.  But the dream was not his own.  In all the chatter these days about race relations, I think some core elements have been lost along the way here in America.  

King did NOT create his own message.  He was a man ENTRUSTED with a message.  He was a man called of God as an ordained minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  When he spoke of issues of justice and love and righteous actions, he spoke out of a context: the context of the scriptures, the context of the church he had grown up attending, the context of the Savior he served and followed.  

It was what he gleaned from those contexts that his message was shaped, for it wasn't merely his message, I believe, it was the message God had revealed to him and entrusted him to proclaim.  Go back to the speech, it is peppered not only with references to United States history, but also with references to a multitude of scriptures.  That was his standard.  That was where he derived his authority.  That was how he learned right from wrong.  As the scripture from Joel quoted in Acts indicates, God is a God of dreams, visions and messages called prophecy.  And the dreams the Spirit of God pours out are dreams of substance, value and truth.

Today, so many leaders derive their authority from their own imaginations and designs.  They speak of a vision that is derived from popular opinion.  Their moral authority has become mired in the morass of relativism.  There is, for them, no ultimate truth, only the truth that gets a hearing, produces fans or gets one elected.  In part, I think this has happened because so many parents since MLK’s day have neglected in raising their children with knowledge of scripture, lacking attendance at church or synagogue.  So what is right, what is good, or the idea that our Creator expects something of us is, for those children, totally arbitrary or personal opinion.  And I believe we are paying the price for it as a nation in a great number of ways.

I so love the scene in “Driving Miss Daisy” where she is invited to synagogue to hear King speak, but leaves waiting outside her “Negro” chauffeur  never considering seriously that he was one of the very people on whose behalf King was speaking!  Truth and popular opinion are rarely the same.  Jesus made very clear that real truth is to be found in scripture.  So, for me, the celebration of Dr. King’s speech is not merely remembering what he said, but also a celebration of the Giver of the message Dr. King proclaimed.  When was the last time YOU spent time searching the scriptures for some truth?

(p.s.  I’ll got some thoughts to share regarding divorce again, soon.  Just feel like this is an important enough event that I want to include it, too.)

TL:dr  Reflections on Martin Luther King’s speech celebration and the source of his message.

What Does Your Personality Say About Your Prayers?

PERSONALITY, DISORDER, DISARRAY, DIS-BLOG!

So what do you think of personality tests?  I think they are pretty useful, myself, though I usually flunk when I take them!  There are lots of personality tests out there and some are very interesting, others seem rather bizarre.  But one thing they all have in common is that, if you pay attention to what they are saying, you will discover that not everybody experiences or views the world the same way you do.  They don’t even all see it the same way I do!  

This is actually true for lots of reasons. With the Zimmerman trial, and the death of young Martin, we are hearing quite a great deal about your skin color and the country in which one grows up in can really shape how you experience events.  Our gender, our subculture, the chemical balance in our brain all combine to create an amazingly complex individual fashioned by a variable of factors throughout our lifetime.  These events and factors create our personality and shape our personality into different types - the personality tests seek to identify the ways in which various people experience the world and interpret the things they experience, and in so doing, help us understand why we think the way we do, as well as improve our understanding of other individuals.

 

Have you ever thought about a personality test in terms of your spouse or your ex?   Now if you were to ask my wife, she would tell you some silly story about personality tests and that I thought I should have her take one to decide whether or not I ought to continue to date her or not.  There is an event out of which she spins the yarn…but whether it is all she claims is highly debatable!  

The truth is, if you participate in any of the better dating/matchmaking services, a personality inventory of some sort is used to understand you and create your profile.  Well worth your time if you are hoping for a compatible match.  Many pastors, too, have some various personality tests they give to their engaged couples to help prepare them for marriage, by helping them understand the differences and similarities in their personalities.  Probably not a bad idea, because some personalities mesh much more easily than others. 

The truth is two individuals can experience the exact same event and interpret it in two completely different ways.  Which can be enriching in some situations, but in a marriage, it can be the grounds for lots of difficulties, especially if one spouse doesn't realize the role personality plays in the way we experience and interpret our realities.    Paying attention to the information from a personality inventory might make some individuals reconsider their choice of marriage partners long before they reached the altar.  At minimum, they wouldn't expect their spouse to we do!   

I’m sure that God’s guidance and wisdom can overcome obstacles in even the most opposite of personalities, and that the differences are often enriching to a marriage that might have been boring if we were too much alike, but the whole idea really raises some interesting possibilities, doesn't it?  I know that in my experience, the two different personality types of my first and my second wife have certainly played a big role in creating a vastly different relationship in my second marriage from my first, especially with all the things I learned about myself along the way.  Might be something to explore if you are considering getting married again, or even if you want to have a better understanding in your current relationships.

Anyway, perhaps you are wondering what got me started on all this in the first place.   Well, my wife showed me something she ran across on the internet that plays with the combination of prayer and the Myers-Briggs personality inventory.  I laughed enough I decided to pass it on to you.   If you are familiar with Myers-Briggs, you can jump on down to the prayer list below.  

Prayers for Myers-Briggs Types

(Click on the link above to go to the Liturgy website for the prayers!)

If not, it might be helpful to know a bit about the Myers-Briggs.  There are four categories in each personality type, and each category has two possible identifications.  The pair options are Introvert/Extrovert, Intuitive/Sensing, Thinking/Feeling and Perceiving/Judging.  I’m not going to explain much more, you can research it online.  And if you aren't familiar with it for yourself, I’d highly recommend checking into it…you can learn a lot with this tool, in my opinion.  Anyway, enjoy the prayers of the various personality types, and the source of the humorous piece.  Enjoy!

Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce - Volume 2, Spring and Summer SNEAK PEEK!!

Galley Proofs Headed Back

Well, the proofing has ended and galleys are headed back into publisher.  Shouldn’t be long now, but in case you wanted another sneak peak, here is one of I really like:

Day 122     Psalm 27:4  

  Think about the most beautiful views you have ever seen.  Like a sunset.  Remember the details:  the colors, the clouds, the sun as it slowly dipped below the horizon, the birds casting their shadow as they flew across the sky.  Then think about a painting you have seen, that you consider beautiful.  Visualize the brush strokes, the blending of hues, the shadows and shapes upon the canvas or print.  How about scenic vistas, what do you remember in that category?  And what jewels do you consider beautiful:  a glittering diamond, the deep green of an emerald, the silky sheen of a pearl?

   What about the beauty of the night sky, the crescent moon, aurora flares, shooting stars?  Or the pictures you have seen of the distant planets and galaxies, like he red of Mars, the rings of Saturn, the bands of Jupiter, the flaming arches from the sun, the spiral of distant galaxies?  What about the beauty that is found in human beings?   Who was the most beautiful woman or handsome man you have ever seen?  What made that person beautiful in your eyes?  The flowing hair, the strong muscles, the shining eyes?  Or maybe you saw inner beauty that made him or her such a wonderful person. 

  An early morning view across the Grand Canyon or from the campground at the bottom, a rainbow in Niagara Falls, snow capped mountain peaks, shady forest trails with mossy ground, the smiles of my children….those are a few of my images, what are yours?  What would you call the most beautiful scene you have ever observed?  Recall that image to your mind, filling in the details of your memory. 

  I have asked you to recall these to help you solidify your own sense of beauty in the world.  Now I want to take that sense and ask you to amplify it…..amplify it millions of times.  What would something that beautiful be like?  Can you imagine?  If you can, push even further, to an unimaginable beauty.  You have now begun to arrive at the beauty of the Lord.  Everything you have ever seen that you would consider beautiful derives its beauty from the ultimate beauty that is God.  This is part of the notion that the heavens declare the glory of God.  His beauty is reflected dimly in the glorious beauty we see here on earth.  If you could combine the beauty of all the sunsets and sunrises, add the beauty of all the earth’s natural wonders, then include all the rest of the beautiful things that exist, you would get a faint glimpse of just how beautiful our God is.  That is probably why John had such a hard time describing heaven in Revelation that he could only compare it to the most precious gemstones he had ever seen:  golden streets, gates of pearl…..ultimate and indescribable beauty, that is heaven, that is God!!

Speaking of Volume 2....

If You Will Forgive Me

Would you mind if I share with you something kind of silly, maybe kind of obnoxious, but something real that I am experiencing?  I guess if you do mind, you can just stop reading now.  I am having kind of an odd experience just now, and was so struck by it that I wanted to pass it along. 

In the process of getting a book printed, the publisher sends out what they call galley proofs.  These are a mockup of the book that is to be printed, from start to finish.  I am expected to review it all for accuracy and publisher errors, and provide my approval or list of changes.  If I send approval, the book goes to the next step of making a hard copy sample for final approval prior to printing.  If I send changes, then the publisher makes the changes and sends me a corrected galley proof for review again, and I once again either approve or send changes.  I experience this to be a very slow and tedious process. 

Earlier this week I received the galley proof for the Spring and Summer volume of Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce.  Being the second time I have done this, I kind of know what to expect, and have been able to save some steps along the way by doing some things in advance notes to the publisher.  But the galley proofs still need to be reviewed, and though I really wish things moved more rapidly and I would like to just move on to the next step, I realize that for the book to be the best quality I can make, I must take the time to carefully review the galleys.  So that is what I am doing this week.  And I do this as meticulously as possible, because I want to do my best to make the book what it ought to be.  And, sure enough, I am finding changes due to publisher errors and some typos of my own that I missed prior to submission of the text.  And so, they will soon be sent in so that the next round of galleys can be produced.  I tell you all of that so that I can adequately explain today’s topic.

To accomplish my goal, I reread the entire book at least once, looking for errors or clarifications I would like to make.  Because these divorce devotionals include many references to that troubling time of divorce in my own life some 14 years ago, it is an emotionally charged experience to read these writings once again (though not as intense as the writing of them was).  I find old feelings stirred, memories revisited and relive some of the emotions of so many years ago.  Sometimes that is difficult, sometimes it is healing, sometimes it gives reassurances…but it is never going through the motions, it is always an engaging experience for me.  And I believe it is this personal touch that makes this book different from books designed to counsel people through divorce.

But I am really struck by two things in particular.  The first is how much more I like the messages of this book than those of the first book.  This is a natural response, because the first book deals so much and so intensely with the experiences of devastation, uncertainty and loss that come with the experience of divorce.  It isn't that its messages are discouraging, because they are just the opposite.  But that first volume just deals with so many tough issues that, for me, it reminds me of how tough the experience was, and how much of life had to be reassessed and rearranged due to divorce.  

This second volume, however, deals with the next stages in the process, the stages when hope begins to return, and new directions become promising instead of discouraging.  It speaks of the beauty of God’s plan and the ability of God to carry us beyond the trauma into a new beauty and meaning of life just around the corner.  

So as I proofread these devotions, I find myself rejoicing in the progress I have experienced, and in the promise of God for my future.  It has been a joyful experience reviewing these pages.

And the second thing that has struck me is that I am actually pretty pleased with the material I am reading.  More than once I have found myself thinking how much I wish I could have had something like this book available to help me when I was struggling with divorce.  And that is really special to me, because that is the goal of the writing, to offer folks who are struggling some of the helps that would have been helpful for me, and when I see it actually materialize before my eyes, I feel assurance that I am achieving that which I have felt called to produce.  That is the part that sounds obnoxious, but it is true…I really believe there is something precious and valuable in these pages.  I really believe this book (and the other) can and will make a difference in the lives of people who struggled as I did, and hopefully, make the experience just a little less devastating than it was for me.  My wife has told me a number of times how much she believes in what I am doing in these books, and as I read this one, my own belief in their value has been reaffirmed and augmented.  I am really looking forward to the completion of this text, and am working on these final stages as quickly as possible…but as I read, I believe it will be worth the wait.  I am pretty excited about what I am reading, and what I hope you will be reading yourself before too long. 

But there is one other thought.  I am also working on some other books that have nothing to do with divorce, and am looking forward to being done with this project so that I can focus my attention and energies on the next ones.  I will let you know later what those are, because with several in the works, I am not sure which I will be finalizing next.   Anyway, I just wanted to share a bit of my world with you.  I hope you are anticipating the next volume, too!

What Will Your Generation Do With This Church?

From Generation to Generation

You may recall in my last blog about the U.S. celebration of freedom, that I mentioned that it is up to each generation to do the things necessary to protect and preserve freedom for the next. 

I was visiting with a friend after that and we were discussing the churches, children and grandchildren.  She mentioned a person she knows who was very involved with her church who had a good sized family, and yet among her children and grandchildren, a very small percentage of those offspring are involved with church.  I know a number of families in which this same scenario plays out, and other families in which the children follow faithfully in their parents’ faith.  Coming on the heels of my Independence Day blog, it made me think that as important as it is for each American generation to protect our liberty to pass on to the next, it is even more important that we pass the faith on to our children and grandchildren.

Perhaps that describes your life.  As I look through the scriptures, I find many individuals whose children served God and followed in their parents’ footsteps.  Abraham is a great example of this…Isaac, Jacob-Israel, Joseph..the line is impressive.  But then one of the most celebrated figures in scripture, King David, had children whose lives were far from exemplary.  Later, King Hezekiah was a man whose relationship with God was pretty special, but his son, King Manasseh, was one of the most godless kings Judah or Israel ever had, (though he did repent later on).  I know that there are those who try to offer assurance that the children of believers will be people of faith if we are appropriate parents and believe, but the pattern of scripture is that though godly parents have a godly influence, providing an opportunity for their children to embrace the faith for themselves, children and grandchildren do not always follow in their parents’ faith.  Sometimes our influence may be more effective with people outside our family than with those in our family, much as we might prefer it not to be that way.  If it is, then we can pray and trust that God will have other individuals whose influence can impact those in our family who we seem unable to reach, because prayers accomplish so much more than we can accomplish ourselves.

It is absolutely critical that we take the preservation of our faith seriously.  God expects it of us, and the eternal destiny of millions depends on it. 

I have heard it said that the church is always only one generation away from extinction.  (Tried to find who first said it, but wasn't able to locate it…if you know, let me know, I’d wouldn't mind having the name.)   

A friend of mine discusses the decline in so many American churches, and how so many have lost the younger families.  She likes to inquire her faithful church friends who are of the baby boomer and older generations whether they have children and grandchildren who aren't involved with church.  She then asks whether they wish those same children were involved in the church and what they would be willing to do to get them involved.  Her final question is then: “Would you be willing to give up your kind of music if that would help them want to be involved?”  

While people will often say they would do whatever it takes, all too often we place limits on what we actually are willing to do, and as a result, those younger families get involved in other things more conducive to their experiences of life. 

In divorce, there is often a faith crisis for the children in the families, especially if one parent holds strong to their faith while the other is irreligious or openly scoffing.  But even if both are believers, the children can question what difference it makes to believe, if it doesn't protect one from divorce, because they don’t always see the whole picture.  Sometimes they can lose faith because they pray for their parents’ marriage, or that mommy and daddy will get back together again, but when they don’t, they can believe that God must not be real.  The hurts in the lives of children can drive them to God, or drive them away.  As divorced parents, we must do our best to be seeking Christ and being obedient to his will so that our children will see a genuine example of faith.  That seeking may lead us to reconciliation with our ex, it may lead us to remain single, it may lead us to build a godly home with our second spouse, but wherever it leads, it is our duty to do our best to maintain a quality witness for the sake of our children and grandchildren.  And it is our duty to be praying for those children, whether it appears that they are listening to God or not.  Manasseh was clearly doing wicked deeds despite his father Hezekiah’s example, but he later repented…God got through to him later in his life, at least somewhat.  As my wife wisely says in these kinds of discussions, “You don’t know what God is doing in their lives.”  And we don’t. 

So let me sum up a few thoughts on this whole discussion.  First, seek to be a genuinely godly influence in the lives of your children.  If you children follow in your footsteps, rejoice and continue to pray for them.  But if they do not, realize that even if your marriage had stayed intact it does not guarantee your influence of faith would have been different.  And so we pray for our children and do our best to continue to hold true to God.  But always keeping in mind that it is up to you and me, we who live in THIS moment in history, to do our best to make sure that the message of Jesus has opportunity to spread beyond this time and into the future for those generations yet to come. 

TL:dr  It is critical for each generation to carry to light of Christ effectively for following generations to see.

The Songs on the Radio....the Impact of Divorce

Silly Love Songs

So have been on the road quite a bit of late, and pretty swamped with some things around home, as well.  Lots of good visits about faith, about my books, about old friends.  Driving home today, I was listening to some oldies CD's after having visited with some folks about possibly speaking at an upcoming event in their church.  In my visit, I was told about a man who was experiencing a tough divorce, and so there was a fair amount of discussion about the topic.  As I was driving along, a song came on that was an old love song, and it got me to thinking and remembering, especially as I was thinking about and praying for the individual I had heard about. 

Let’s talk first about music, though.  I like music.  A lot.  I am musical, maybe not a virtuoso, but enough to know my way around a few instruments.  I think you can agree that there is a huge emotional tie to music.  Songs that lift your spirits, songs that lead you to prayer, songs that bring a tear to your eye.  Or at least, they do these things for me.  Anyway, so this love song came on the CD (yes, the CD…I have some old LPs around, too…).  And as it played, it reminded me of the time during the time of my divorce when I literally couldn't listen to the radio or many of my CDs.  It was too hard.  The promise of love, the joy of finding that special someone, the longing in the eyes, all those things love songs describe primarily reminded of the love I hadn't known, the love that had been shattered, the great sense of loss I was experiencing, and the love that all now felt like a lie.  Some other music was also hard to hear…like Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas Songs and certain other Christmas music, because it was all tangled up with memories of years gone by in a relationship now dissolved and cast aside.  Even some songs of faith just didn't feel very good, songs that promised God was working everything out, or that when we trust in God nothing evil will come our way….though I believed the essence of the message, the experience of my life in that moment did not match the assertions of faith.  In fact, the experience seemed to contradict everything those songs were saying, because it so often felt like either God had let me down or I had let God down, and it was very difficult to decide which was the case. 

Maybe these things describe your life these days, or describe a time you remember like I do, or maybe they describe the struggle someone you know is experiencing.  It is a hard place to be.  It is a lonely place to be.  It is a very tearful place to be.  

But it is not the place you stay…

or at least, I hope you don’t stay there.  As I experienced tonight, one does move on, and favorite songs come back with a different perspective…maybe a bit more jaded perspective, maybe a perspective that contains a bit more wisdom.  The come back because you come to realize that though the marriage ended, it doesn't mean that love does not still exist, or will never exist again in your life.  They come back because you find a place in your heart, a place in your life for all the memories, each in their own time slot, each with their own mix of joy and tears.  They come back because you discover that, even though you couldn't see it at the time, God was indeed still at work, and was still loving, and still working out plans for good.  They come back because music that is successful is successful because it touches a common thread within human hearts…the cry to give and receive love, the call to something greater than ourselves, something eternal.

I don’t have a huge point to this little blog.  Except I suspect there is somebody out there who knows exactly what I am talking about, because they have either experienced it themselves, or are in the midst of it right now.  I just wanted that person to know they are not alone.  And that they are not stuck.  It is one of the many phases and struggles tied in with the experience called divorce.  That brokenness affects so many areas of our lives, and sends out so many ripples, that sometimes it is easy to forget how much of our lives have been changed because of the words on a court document.  If you are the one struggling, I encourage you to hang in there, eventually these things move on and take a new shape in your life.  And that shape can be very, very good…even if it continues to bring bad mournful or difficult memories.  Realize, you are not alone…these things happen to many of us in the upheaval of life due to divorce.

TL:dr  Divorce’s impact can even affect our experience of music, and change the way it touches our hearts.

Celebrate your history...

Katy Days!!

So my little town just finished their annual celebration of Katy Days.  It’s kind of a festival held this time of year, with various live music events, foods, vendors, historical presentations, things like that…AND TRAINS!  The celebration is built around the remembrance of the fact that our little town was a significant central hub for a Midwest train line:  The MKT (Missouri, Kansas and Texas), affectionately known as the Katy Railroad.  So the historical museum is open all weekend, including the IronHorse Museum which is all about trains, primarily the Katy.  It is a simple museum…I have seen several railroad museums that are bigger, but it is pretty good for a town our size (read:  small).  I’m not a good enough historian to identify exact times and details, but our town was established in the late 1800’s around the new train line, and our town boasted of a very large roundhouse, extensive shops, a big depot and the administrative offices for the line.  (Note: Parsons Kansas was established in 1870 and named after Levi Parsons, the President of the Missouri-Katy-Texas Railroad.  Parsons served as the hub for the MKT Railroad and there were five different rail lines going in different directions.)

 

But if you talk to the railroad buffs, they will also quickly remind you that in the late 60’s and early 70’s, things were changing in the rail business, and bit by bit the line was reduced here in town until there are only a couple of lines left with minimal support facilities, all now owned by the Union Pacific.  Some even will claim that the rail line pulling out had devastating economic and growth impact on the community from which it has never recovered.  And maybe it did.  Yet there have been other businesses that have arisen, with factories and retailers that didn’t even exist in town when the rail line was prospering…life has gone on.  But in spite of the ambivalent, and sometimes hostile, feelings that people have toward the historical fact, the town still celebrates the annual Katy Days to remember.  And maybe as a way to bring a bit of an economic boost to the community now and then, kind of finding a way to still benefit from the railway of old.  But I had some other thoughts of my own I’d like to pass along.

 

Notice the celebrating of something people remember fondly, even though it also has a degree of resentment attached.  When we remember our pasts, we can create a celebration of things that weren't really as rosy as we’d like to think…as sometimes people do who wish their spouse would return and yet forget the abuse or misery they suffered.  This is not a healthy or realistic way to approach things.   Another alternative that people follow is to so focus on the good old days that they live their entire lives in the past, nor able to recognize or accept the inevitability of change in our world.  Sometimes this translates into spending all your time wishing things could go back to the way they were, and never able to look to the future with joy or hope, yearning for what will be instead of merely longing for what was. 

But the Katy Days celebration exemplifies an alternative that can be a good example as we deal with our varied pasts and difficult times of loss or change.  The celebration is put together by people who are fully aware of the sorrow over the way things transpired years ago, but who choose to highlight not the negative emotions and events, but the fond memories and the good things of that time period.  We can spend our lives pretending there was nothing bad, we can spend our lives only paying attention to the good, or we can remember things for what they were, celebrate what was good about them, accept that life is always changing and lessons we learned from it all prepare us to make a brighter future.  Kind of like the little engine that could, wouldn't you say?  I think I can, I think I can…..  Toot, toot!

TL:dr:  Change happens so focus on the positive. 

Divorce and the Graduate

What’s the Worst Thing About Divorce?

Somebody actually asked me that question one time.  Do you want to guess what my answer was?  I simply said, “Everything.”   I was reminded of that the other night, after having attended the graduation of one of my step-children.  Being the last child to graduate, there was an awareness of the end of an era, the end of court ordered schedule and financial negotiations.  At yet, in the attending, there was the awareness of so many opportunities missed as time was spent with the other parent, and the awkwardness that arises as each seeks to find a niche for themselves without intruding or being intruded upon by the other parent.  Even something as simple and significant as a high school graduation is impacted by the complications and emotional upheavals of divorce and court battles.  And impacted even more than a decade since the divorce of her parents.  And there will be difficult things to handle for many, many years to come.  You remember the fairy tales of childhood, where the prince and the girl meet, marry and live happily ever after?  That is such an artificial myth, isn't it?  But people who believe you go to court and get the divorce, then life happily divorced ever after are also believing an untrue myth.  Those who believe divorce is some easy solution, or that you go to court and get the decree and then it is over, are sadly mistaken.  Tragically mistaken.  Irreversibly mistaken. 

Having said that, though, I do want to acknowledge that there are many who have suffered terrible abuses in their marriages:  physical, emotional, verbal or sexual abuse.  For those people, divorce does set up opportunity to at least minimize some of those things.  But even then, a spouse who treated you poorly will become an ex-spouse who treats you even more poorly, just with less opportunity and from a greater distance.  Many of us can relate to that truth.  The complications of divorce are so many and so sad.  In my books, there are special sections that recognize this fact, that Christmas, your birthday, or the child’s graduation are all impacted and complicated for many years to come by the fact of divorce.  At the very least, these events bring bittersweet moments in which memories of past celebrations or emotions of lost opportunities bubble to the surface.  And, of course, there are those of us who experience the garbage of individuals intentionally seeking to make things difficult or to be intrusive. 

Today, I would like to simply raise a thought with you in regard to this.  Divorce cuts a wide swath of devastation and loss in our lives, and the scars upon our hearts can take a long time to heal over.  Yet it is a kind of devastation that is very difficult for others to understand, even if you try to explain it to them, it remains beyond comprehension.  (Which, by the way, is why my little book is helpful for people going through divorce, it speaks from within the shared experience as it points a way for connecting with God.)  AND YET…

And yet, everybody has things in their life that are hard.  Being divorced, it is easy to think that life could be so much easier if you didn't have to deal with all the resulting garbage.  And it would be nice not to have to deal with all that.  But even if you didn't deal with that, there would still be junk.  Finances could still be tight.  Your job could still be stressful.  Your child could still be having problems at school.  It is an artificial unreality that we create when we allow ourselves to be so bogged down with the extremely frustrating hassles of divorced life that we begin to believe it would be so much rosier if it hadn't happened.  In some ways that is true, but those other roses have thorns, too.  If you are struggling, it might be wise to recall that.  Just thought I’d pass it along. 

TL:dr  Divorced life is difficult and complicated….but life without divorce is, too.

Yep! Even Divorced Dad's can benefit from tips for Mother's Day!

Top Ten Mother’s Day Tips for Newly Divorced FATHERS!

1)    Be a stand up guy….do what you KNOW is right to help your kids honor their mother…time, money, shopping trips, card making, whatever.  (Regardless of what SHE does for Father’s Day.)

2)   Tell your kids that she is their mom and will always be their mom…to them and also to YOU.

3)   You may need to help the kids know sizes, tastes or with some cash and cards. 

4)   You may not expect it, but it might be a rough day without your wife...allow for that in your plans.

5)   Without your wife, you now have opportunity to spend all your time and energy on your own mother, if she is living.  Don’t waste it.  And let her know that her baby (you) are going to be okay.

6)   Speaking of your mother, remember she may be sorrowing over the effects of the divorce on her time with the grandchildren…and Mother’s Day may highlight that for her.  Help your kids make that up for her.

7)   Mother’s Day can raise the specter of all that you have lost in the divorce and renew feelings of anger and hurt.  But remember, your precious children from that marriage are WHY you are celebrating today.

8)   If this is your first post divorce Mother’s Day, and your church makes a point to honor mothers, it may be a good day to go fishing instead (but you didn't hear it from me, okay?)

9)   If you had a decent relationship with your ex-mother-in-law, consider sending a card to her as well.  But don’t do it if you've been mean to your ex!  At least, not without an apology.

10) Remember: by still teaching your kids to respect and honor their mother, you are also teaching them to respect and honor the step-mother you may one day marry!

Helping your friend...who is divorced, on Mother's Day

MOTHER’S DAY

Top Ten Tips to Help a Divorced Friend on Her First Divorced Mother’s Day

1)     Don’t be surprised if you don’t see her in church……it is hard enough without seeing lots of couples and hearing more stories than you want to hear.

2)    Odds are she will have her kids with her, but may not have the funds to go out to dinner…if you have funds, how about sending her a restaurant gift card?

3)    If her kids are young, somebody may need to do for them what dad used to, helping them shop or making a project for mom.  You could be that somebody (although, there are some of us dads who still make sure the kids have funds for Mother’s Day for our ex….so don’t assume.)

4)    If you have a close friendship, you may want to find a way to offer a bit of the pampering she may have experienced (or should have) on past Mother’s Days:  hire a teenager to clean house for her, send a gift certificate for a massage, that kind of thing.

5)    Give her a call, later in the day, and make sure the listening end of your phone is working well.  It very likely will be a difficult and emotional day….she may need a shoulder to cry on or a person with whom she can vent. 

6)    I wonder if she will get any Mother’s Day cards?  You could make sure there is at least one.

7)    IF SHE DOESN'T HAVE CHILDREN---don’t assume it is a no big deal day….remember, she didn't just lose her husband, she lost a potential family.

8)    Maybe she’d like to spend the day with HER mother, and doesn't have the resources to get there…you might be able to help out.

9)    The most significant help you give may not be on Mother’s Day.  It may be over lunch the day after when you ask how things went.  It just helps to know somebody cares, or even that somebody is aware that it might have been a difficult day

.

10) Don’t underestimate the power and meaning of prayer.  Pray for her on Mother’s Day, and let her know she is in your prayers.