Sunday, January 15, 2017
Shortly after my divorce, I bumped into an old friend who had himself been recently divorced and remarried, and when we talked about our experiences, he shared with me that he learned in his second marriage that a marriage relationship can be far different from what he had experienced in his first marriage, and tried to encourage me that it really can be different. In the throes of heartache at the time, I was highly skeptical, and he had to give me some specifics of how he felt his new marriage was so much better and different that his first. He then proceeded to share some of his experiences about his apparently much more healthy, new marital relationship.
At about the same time, another friend’s words of encouragement to me were that there is a dream called marriage, the old “happily ever after”…or probably more realistically, “healthily ever after.” As he knew my first marriage had been a difficult one, his comment was that my marriage had died, but the dream did not die, it was still real, and still something worth pursuing. Again, I didn’t really feel that way, and it was way too early for me to be even interested in taking a chance at another relationship. But with time, and some intentional efforts at working on my own issues to heal some of those deep hurts and struggles, there came a day when I did meet a woman and we started a relationship that grew into love and the start of a new marriage that has lasted 12 years so far...and that is what I want to encourage you about.
Some of you reading may be recently divorced and uncertain about your future. Other readers may have friends who are struggling after divorce, and you want to express your concern and encouragement. While those words from my friends may have been a bit premature for me to hear (although clearly they still stuck with me), the value they had was to open for me the idea of possibilities. But it was only an idea. I could hear people discuss the differences between a healthy marriage and one that is dysfunctional in one way or another, but it wasn’t until I experienced these years of a completely different marriage relationship that I came to understand on a personal level what that difference is. And to believe that my friends were right, it really can be different.
Okay, some may be wondering what I mean about different. Well, examples (not just from my own marriage) could be things like being treated with respect, have an assurance that you are valued and cherished, not having to always be on edge about whether or not you will say or do something that will cause your spouse to lash out at you in anger, feeling secure in your relationship and free from any fears or suspicions, or maybe just having more actively shared common values in such things as attending church together having times in prayer together.
There are lots of materials out there that can help you learn to distinguish between health and dysfunctional marriages, and those can indeed be good resources to consult. But this blog is not about that, this blog is about hope. It can be encouraging to know, when a marriage falls apart and you are in the throes of anguish and loss, that even though you have lost that relationship, it does not mean you don’t have the possibility of discovering something different, something special in your future. Don’t rush it, or try to force it into happening, but know that in his perfect timing, God can bring to you a person with whom you can experience something special and precious, a fresh kind of loving marriage. Don’t give up hope, if that is something you long to have. Work on your own issues, let God heal the wounds, teach you better ways of responding and communicating yourself, and then when you have learned a more healthy way, you will recognize the possibility when that special someone comes along. And let me tell you straight out, by the way: my friends were right, it really can be different. Not a day goes by that I am not thankful for my new wife, Nola, and the experience of learning first-hand how great it is to be in a more healthy and loving marriage. We keep working on making it better, and have our own issues and need for growth, but I have found when you have a solid base of genuine love and respect, that growth can be pursued together. The dream has still not died…take my word for it, marriage CAN INDEED be a wonderful experience!
Sunday, January 8, 2017
Have you ever longed for a “do-over” in life?
Maybe you wish you could have chosen differently when it came to selecting a spouse, thinking you might have avoided a divorce if you had.
Maybe your do-over had to do with things you said or did (or you hadn’t said or done and wish you had), that you think might have made all the difference in saving your marriage.
Maybe the choice had to do with a career, a college major, or where you chose to live.
Maybe you just believe if you could just go back and have a do-over, your life would just be so different, and so many problems would not have the impact they have had.
While we often may think we would like a second chance at some of these things, it is a deceptive notion. If we really had the chance for a “do-over,” we would probably still make the same choice, because it is only the 20-20 hindsight of looking back through the knowledge gained from experience that even causes us to realize we might have preferred the other option.
The conundrum is, though, that if we hadn’t gone through the experiences we have, we wouldn’t be the persons we are now, and so what we think we would have preferred would apply to a person far different from the one we have turned out to be. If we went back and made a different choice, it may well have turned out to lead us down an even more troubling path.
And sometimes God is actually working through the experiences of our lives to help us learn to make better choices for our future. Maybe the only way we could learn to make those better choices was by going through those experiences that taught us those lessons. If God had desired us to learn lessons another way, he could easily have chosen to put obstacles in our path and kept us away from those regretted choices. Actually, all of these things are mere pipe dreams anyway, second chances do not come to us through do-overs, but they can come to us.
I would suggest that, in the case of divorce as our example, lessons you have learned through the failures of your previous marriage, or through recognition of the mismatch you had accepted are the things that can inform you to make wise choices as you move toward your future. Everyone certainly makes mistakes, but none of us needs to continue to make the same mistakes if we will take seriously the lessons we have learned.
Do you want a do-over in life?
Then take on that next challenge, the next opportunity, the next risk, and taking the challenge, apply the lessons you learned from previous hardship, disappointments or failures. None of us is perfect, but all of us can grow and make progress. Falling down or failing is not the problem, choosing to not get up to try again, that creates problems for our futures. Instead of “doing over,” how about doing better next time…because all of us have more opportunities ahead just waiting for us to take them on to create a better future for our lives and our world.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
HAPPY NEW YEAR’S!
MAKE IT SO…
Last night, all around the world, there were people staying up late, celebrating, rejoicing, partying and enjoying fireworks and concerts and fun times together, with parades and football games today to continue the celebration.
What was it all about?
We got to turn the page on a calendar!
Now we put down a slightly different number whenever we write the date. In case you can’t tell, I’m not a person who thinks turning the page on a calendar is nearly as big a thing as is so often made of it each year. I often get together with friends for the evening and we play cards until midnight, kiss our spouses and then call it a night. Woo woo, huh? But we enjoy it.
Some people use the date as a reason to make a fresh start, to take a second chance, to attack problems afresh with resolutions and plans. They are ready and longing for something new. That decision, of course, could be made at any time in our lives, and in the cases of some of our concerns, the sooner we work on them the better! Still, there are times in life that are just naturally points of change, newness and fresh starts, some of which we like and others which we do not: a wedding, the birth of a child, the loss of a loved one, a relocation or a new job. Divorce is also one of those significant fresh start moments.
Someone who had just gone through a divorce finds themselves on the verge of a new phase in life, the design of which must they choose for themselves. That can be challenging, exciting, troubling, frustrating, enraging, painful all of the above and even more, all at the same time. I recently saw a television show in which some of the characters had been divorce, in this case about a year, and the ex-wife was frustrated because her ex would not “just move on,” a view which was also articulated by others in the show.
“Just moving on” makes a nice idea, perhaps, but in many cases, that is simply very unrealistic. The person longing to be out of the marriage may well be ready and pleased to be moving on and escaping to something new, such as a new partner, the freedom of singlehood, or safety from abuse. But for the person who has felt shunned, abandoned or discarded, still in love with their spouse or finding their dreams for the future shattered, “just moving on” and “getting over it” is not such an easy nor quick task.
Nevertheless, no matter how you arrive at being divorced, and no matter how you feel about being there, you end up on the verge of a new phase of life and now must decide what to do with it. Certainly some of that new phase will be consumed with working through the grief and emotional distress that accompanies the tearing of one’s heart in divorce. Memories surface at inconvenient times, especially on holidays such as New Year’s Eve, and one must face the loss in order to effectively rebuild life. But even in the face of such pain, the rebuilding process can be a very positive experience in life.
What do you desire to be the values by which you live? What do you want your reputation to be? What are the changes you long to make, the hopes and dreams you once had but have seemed to have gotten lost in the process of living? Perhaps now is the time to revive those dreams and pursue a refined version for your future? What are the challenges you have hesitated to embrace, but could choose to make priorities in the next chapter of your life? What are the things you have longed to accomplish, the projects you want to complete, that have been on hold for too long? Why not make some plans to do some of those now?
Most of all, what might God be beckoning you to in this time of life? What wounds does He desire to heal, what character traits does he seek to build or reinforce? What might be the ministries God has planned for your future, and how might you use this time to prepare for them? No matter where you are in life, as long as you are still living here on earth, God is not done yet, he still had plans for your life and ways that he longs to use you. Whatever other plans you make, be sure to make these the central concern. And then go, make 2017 a Happy New Year for real!
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
A DISCOMBOBULATED CHRISTMAS
How are your plans for Christmas going? Those of you who might be newly divorced or separated may find that the plans are very difficult as emotions swirl, schedules become awkward and times of loneliness and loss come to the fore.
Perhaps you can relate to the notion of a “discombobulated” Christmas. Though almost 20 years out of divorce myself, Christmas remains one of those holidays regularly impacted by the fallout of divorce as even grown children have to make choices regarding their schedule and plans that would have not been an issue apart from divorce. Yet life goes on, and there develops a new normalcy.
But life gets discombobulated for other reasons, as well.
For me, this year, Christmas will be very different.
I very recently took on a new pastorate in another state, which will result in making a move of our entire household. Our situation is such that the move will be in stages, and include some time with my wife and I not always in the same place. I am celebrating Christmas and Christmas Eve with a new congregation, and we are sharing with one another our traditions and celebrations, some the same, some different. Most of our Christmas decorations were moved to a new house, but mainly in time for a chilly reception as the polar winds dipped down and dropped temperatures throughout the Midwest and announced that the decorations may be best inside their storage containers this year.
With some things here, some things there, and other things yet to be located, we are experiencing some discombobulation ourselves. In addition, as we celebrate Christmas in a new location, our participation in family Christmas is going to be in one of the kid’s home this year located halfway between our new and old homes, while we are in transit from one to the other. Discombobulated.
But you know what? I was reading through the Christmas story again in preparation for our worship services, and somehow, I think that was a fairly discombobulated time for Mary and Joseph as well! My discombobulation may be more akin to Joseph and Mary’s experience of Christmas than the best laid plans and celebrations that are normally the makeup of our traditions.
At least our move was because of choices we made, they had to leave because of an imperial order! It seems likely to me that they had family and possessions scattered in Nazareth, Bethlehem and who knows where else that first Christmas. They didn’t even celebrate Jesus’ birth in a home at all. In fact, as I was reading G. Campbell Morgan the other day, he pointed out that even the word “inn” from the story doesn’t refer to an inn as we might think of it, but was more of a walled enclosure in a field where people could bring their cattle for protection at night. No host, no restaurant, no cozy bedroom, just some open space with perhaps a few spaces of shelter for people inside. Mary and Joseph couldn’t even get a place there! And then, later on, after the wise men came, they had to abandon home again and escape to Egypt in fear for the life of the new baby.
And yet, in what may have been the most discombobulated time of Mary and Joseph’s lives, God was working the most incredible plan of history, working in ways they would never have imagined. This Christmas, what in your life, feels discombobulated to you. What things just don’t seem on track, or where do you just feel out of sorts? I invite you to consider that it might be a Mary and Joseph moment for you, that God has a plan he is working through your time of discombobulation, even if it doesn’t feel like there is much of a plan. Just as in the moment of creation, God brought order out of chaos, so God will bring meaning and purpose out of the most discombobulated times of our lives when we submit our will and our ways to him.
And you know what? Christmas is the perfect time to do just that! Offer God the discombobulated areas of your life, and invite him to use them for something wonderful. It just might be the best Christmas present of all!.
Monday, December 5, 2016
It was a sad day for me. I recently had to have some trees cut down in my yard. A big old elm and two big maples, because they have died. The elm probably died of old age…it hasn’t looked very well for several years. The maples seem to have not survived some recent drought summers. None of them looked very good, and they were all probably more dangerous than I care to admit, but still, I hate to cut down trees. It probably goes back to my love of my childhood tree house. In most places where I have lived, I have planted trees, bushes, flowers, and more. To cut down a tree is just not something I relish, necessary though it may have been.
However, there was a surprise in the cutting. One of the elm branches was hollow, and the home of a honey bee hive. The tree trimmer showed me where the branch had fallen, described the stings he had suffered, then asked whether I wanted him to load that piece up with the rest the fallen branches to the tree dump. I asked him to leave it.
Over the years, I have seen articles here and there about how the honey bee population has been declining in recent years, and the concern some have that the downturn could be dangerous if it persists, since fruit trees and other important vegetation are dependent upon the bees for fertilization. I decided we needed to see if we could locate a local beekeeper who might rescue the hive, although I also thought it might be fun to set up a hive myself, but the timing isn’t good for that for lots of reasons.
It took several days and numerous phone calls to find someone who could come to take the bees. A local beekeeper did, but not until after a good number of them had died due to the cold and the trauma of the fall. While I wasn’t here when he took the combs, my wife was, and she said he was concerned whether they might survive or not, but would give it his best shot. The man sent me a text stating that he wasn’t sure how good their chances were, and I replied that they had a better chance if he took them and tried than if they were simply left to die on the ground.
My tenderheartedness toward bees even applies when I’m mowing and working on the lawn. I have seen some taking pollen off the clover in the yard, and as a result have gone around the section to let them finish before going back to mow that area. I even chose not to put the kind of weed killer down that would kill the clover, just because I knew the bees liked it, even though I had no idea the bees lived in that old elm tree. I know, kind of dumb, but it is just one of many ways that I am a sap!
Friday, December 2, 2016
THE CHRISTMAS PARADE!!
I just returned home from Memory Lane! Tonight was the Christmas parade in our community of small town Americana. Forgive me for overtelling the story, but I invite you to join me in watching that parade before you mind’s eye.
I was standing across the street from the building in which my father had his photography studio for some 40 years or so, proudly crowned with a stone proclaiming 1895 as the year it was built. The upstairs was lit where someone now lives, as had been the case before I was born, and the main floor stood empty. On either side stood the buildings that once were shoe stores, but now house a women’s gym and offices (or former offices—hard to tell) of an attorney. Further down the block are several vacant lots, created nearly two decades ago by a tornado, where once stood the greasy spoon restaurant and the smoke shop that housed really great pinball machines. I was standing near the Mexican restaurant and local radio station, where once had been several very nice clothing stores.
The parade began, as many do, with the police vehicle sounding sirens to announce the start of the parade, followed by the sheriff’s vehicle, the color guard from the local VFW, and several assorted fire trucks, emergency vehicles and other important “Christmas” type(?) rescue trucks. But in small town America, that is how parades start. Always. Then came the politicians: mayor (I forgot we have a mayor), city commissioners, then a state representative and his wife who are actually one of the most down to earth political families I’ve ever met. After these preliminaries, the next phase starts, as we get down to the business of a real Christmas parade, with lots of business sponsoring the entrants, logos proudly displayed, and sometimes OVER-displayed.
I stand and watch, chatting with those nearby, as before me passes candy canes, reindeer, Christmas lights, a ginger bread house, cute little children elected royalty for the parade, and candy flying left and right into the hands of eager children. Well, actually the candy was flying onto the street where the eager children reached their hands down to scoop up the candy. And sometimes had to move several feet in either direction because the old folks like me weren’t picking up the candy that fell in front of us. I started helping, pointing out candy the kids had missed, and picking up some nearby to hand to the starving little ones. (I think the dentists should give me a commission, don’t you?)
Lots of different folks passed by. There were Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts, little girls representing tumbling and dance clubs by cartwheeling and high kicking their way down the street, following behind the giant guitar playing Alvin, Theodore and Simon chipmunks on a float (you know, somehow the concept of “giant” chipmunks just seems wrong) . There were four marching bands, and as they passed I was close enough to thank their directors…one of whom shook my hand. I found myself remembering how cold a trombone mouthpiece becomes when it sits idle on the instrument as you march down the street. Many a time I did as these young people were doing tonight, in my hometown and other places as part of the local school’s marching band. A marching band which was significantly bigger than the struggling music program can produce at this time. Nonetheless, I was proud of every marching band member, and clapped so they knew they were appreciated….even if they weren’t quite as picky about straight lines as we were forced to be.
I have lots of fond memories of the marching band, although a friend of mine recently commented that whoever thought giving kids instruments and telling them to walk and play at the same time was a good idea had to have been drunk at the time. He may be right. But all the same, though the music may not have been as perfect as the professionally played digital renditions, the presence of live marching bands added a lot to the celebration atmosphere of the parade. I didn’t see any baton twirlers, though. Flag girls waving flags, and pom pom dance teams or cheerleaders were in the group, but that’s okay, I wasn’t all that thrilled with them marching with our band anyway.
A float moved by with friends on it, sporting the International Lion’s Club emblem and a big, gold lion, and I found myself remembering sitting on floats in “Santa’s workshop” on behalf of the local Lion’s Club many years ago, as we drifted past the no longer existent J. C. Penney’s, Montgomery Wards, soda fountains and dime stores. The buildings now are filled with other businesses, which is actually a significant achievement in a small town such as mine that has struggled with the WalMarts, mega-malls and online shopping of the world.
Of course, there were a number of things that have changed somewhat. There were some entries that seemed a little challenging for Christmas, such as Minions on a float. There was also a Frosty Snowman walking along who seemed to have gone to Weight Watchers a little too often, a float with a “Grinch” who gave a good representation of what a Christmas sequel to “Planet of the Apes” might have been like, and a group of guys in what looked like kilts swinging clubs at each other as they walked (the ladies next to me started to explain, but I asked them not to…I didn’t want to know).
There were other entries I didn’t quite understand. For instance, I never really thought about giving someone a yard of cement for Christmas…nonetheless the local cement mix company participated in support with a full size and several miniature mixer trucks, horns blaring and echoing off the walls. I also don’t remember blue and green “light sabers” being sold by street vendors as part of a traditional Christmas parade. I told the man next to me that they could have at least gone for blue and white for Hannukah, or red and green for Christmas. They yelled loud offering their wares for sale, with nary a Merry Christmas out of their mouths.
Included in the procession were also a number of vehicles from the local army reserve…whom I appreciate, though I’m not sure I get the Christmas connection…and yet, they are clearly an important part of our small community. Further in the parade was a long line of “classic” cars from the local cruise club…the same models that my friends drove in high school, which means I am now "classic." That’s a polite way of telling somebody they have become old…calling their cars “classic”! They were nice cars, but I thought they could have at least hung a little Santa from the mirror, or a bobble head Rudolph in the back window.
Missing from the parade were the miniature motorbikes and motorcars of the Shriners making their fast and noisy circles, and there were no horses decked out in their finery, except the ones pulling Santa’s sleigh at the end of the procession. I suspect the marching bands and those walking along to hand out candy did not miss the horses, though. And I’m guessing the reindeer had the night off, or maybe they need snow to operate in. Even Santa has to make do sometimes!
One of the most fun entries was a group of kids from the local high school, walking down the parade route with a mascot and emblems showing. Some of them were singing “Jingle Bells,” most of them were just walking and talking and saying, “hi” to folks along the way. I’m not sure if they were actually officially in the parade, or just needed something to do on Thursday night, but they were very friendly, and their songs fit the occasion, and they seemed to be having fun.
When the nursing home bus drove by, decorated with lights and staff walking nearby handing out candy, I recalled another year watching the parade, and finding that my own mother was riding one of those buses and waving at people. One never knows what to expect when watching a parade in small town America!
As the evening progressed, I was struck by the fact that the parade was about three fourths over before the first presentation of anything related to the origin of “Christ-mas.” That first appearance was on a float presented by, interestingly enough, a couple of local pharmacies who dared to have images of a Nativity and similar scenes. The earlier church bus was merely decked out in Christmas lights and handing out tracts. Not that I am saying that the parade should be exclusively Christian, but at least Jesus should be represented! I was very appreciative when the pharmacies came along, and decided I would tell my pharmacist friend as much the next day. Toward the end of the procession was a nicely done live Nativity presented by another local church, and then the parade ended with Santa and his lovely wife.
But most of all, there were streets lined by friendly people, talking together with strangers, waving at people on floats and laughing as they took pictures of one another or caught candy. Nobody seemed terribly concerned about a terrorist attack, or the mess that the political world is in. Nobody worried what color someone’s skin was, or saw the police as enemies of the young people walking along the sidewalks.
The parade created a delightful blend of the past, present and future, as generations blended together for the night, and I enjoyed memories of years gone by, while recognizing that things have changed and it is a different world.
And yet, through the changes the years have brought, and even that the centuries have brought, there remains one constant: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have eternal life.”—John 3:16.
That is the Christmas message proclaimed to shepherds on a hillside and wise men who studied stars. As you enter into the wide variety of celebration styles for the year, I hope you will also not leave out the core, the most important message of the season.
Don’t save it for the end of your life’s procession, either; keep it central. After all, it isn’t really CHRISTmas, if you leave Christ out of it.
Sunday, November 27, 2016
WONDERFUL MEMORIES OF CHRISTMAS?
(Note to readers: This is NOT our house and not our Christmas decorations! Those that know us well know that the energy for this much decorating does not exist in this home!)
I have learned in life that there are people who absolutely love Christmas, those who absolutely hate it, and those who are somewhere in between.
You can always tell those who really love the holidays. Their houses have lots of lights, the decorations are up at the first opportunity, they wear Christmas ties or socks or sweaters, their radios are always set to the stations playing Christmas music 24/7, and they will have the most wonderful family meals you have ever eaten with lots of happy people and lots of presents under the tree. Many of those who are Christian, and some who are not, will celebrate Advent and candlelight services and maybe a cantata or performance of Handle’s “Messiah” as well. Among these folks that will be many who also have lots of wonderful memories to share from past celebrations of Christmas, often extending back to their childhoods. These people are great people to be around when you feel like celebrating the birth of Christ.
Those who hate them tend to have lots of reasons for their hatred. Some of them remember empty stockings and soup kitchens from Christmas. Others have memories of those who abandoned their family at this time of year. For some the Christmas holiday feels like nothing more than a pointed reminder that they don’t have the money to buy people presents. Some of these people walk with fresh wounds of a spouse having just divorced them, or a loved one dying leaving them to face the holidays alone. Some despise the commercialism of a religious holiday, and then there are, of course, those who simply hate what the feel is a religious holiday being shoved down their throat. Whatever the reason, generally speaking these individuals have lots of valid reasons they struggle, and in some cases, simply need some time to heal, or a way to find the path back to the meaning and real celebration of the Christmas holidays.
Those who are in between, are there for a variety of reasons. While they may rejoice and celebrate the season, they may also have some mixed feelings for some of the same reasons others hate the holidays. People who have been divorced often fit into this category, because even though life goes on, through the process of divorce there are some things that are changed forever.
Memories of baby’s first Christmas that once were shared and a source of bonding between mother and father often become harder to recall, and become reminders of the loss of what could have been. What once had been simple celebrations in which one made holiday plans with the children often becomes a major negotiation process, with neither parent really experiencing the fullness of family celebrations that can more easily exist with intact marriages.
What is the point?
Well, simply to encourage you, my readers, to recognize that people are different, and their experiences are different, and so maybe a blanket “Merry Christmas to all” may not be the best way to approach this season with everyone you meet.
Instead, I recommend some degree of sensitivity and working on listening skills, so that your expressions of love can be heard as that, rather than be experienced as calloused and uncaring empty words. In fact, I might even encourage you to go one step further this year; why not seek out someone for whom this is likely to be a difficult time? Let them know that your friendship is real, that your caring is more than surface, and find a way to brighten their lives just a bit. It just might be the beginning of pleasant Christmas memories for someone you know. And it might begin a special Christmas tradition of love for you, too!