Messy,
Griefy Divorce--Reflected
I don’t
know if you read the blog that has been featured on Paperblog of late, but I
thought it had some really good thoughts, and I wanted to respond to and piggy
back on various portions of the article.
The title of that article is “Divorced? It’s Messy and Grief is a Part of
It” by Rhodainpittsburgh and one the first comments the author makes
is: “Divorced
means you are wrapped up in grief because the dream of the family is lost.” All of who experience divorce know what she
means. But I would like to suggest some
fine tuning of the comment, specifically regarding the dream. The dream of the family that she says is lost
is, indeed, lost if it refers to the specific family whose relationships are
now broken and strained. There remains a
dream of what a healthy, functioning family is, and that dream remains worth
pursuing. True, barring reconciliation
it won’t happen with that original family.
But as one moves on in life, the dream can materialize in a second
family, possibly tweaked by the reality of step children from a previous
marriage. In the midst of divorce it is
easy to believe things can never be good again, which is not true; although
they will be different.
“Being
divorced is really about having a whole new world view come into play. Just
like grief, being divorced takes a good amount of time to recover,” is the
next section for me to add my comment.
It is very true that a new world view enters life, much of which is an
undesired world view, certainly nothing anyone would aspire to have. That world view can become either extremely
cynical, or one that is simply more realistic than the starry eyed idealism of
youth. And grief is exactly the right
word…..the grief of divorce is the same as the other grief experienced in life’s
losses, with the exception that after a divorce the “corpse” continues to
interfere in your life, and he/she intentionally chose to leave and reject you,
creating some significantly more intense dynamics in grief. The hurt and sense of betrayal is far
different from the grief of a death.
This difference may well add to the long process of healing the author
refers to in her article.
Ms.
Pittsburgh then goes on to discuss the perspectives of the dumped vs. the
dumped upon, highlighting the shock and questioning about why. She is, of course, right in the things she
observes, including the rude awakening that can cause one to examine
him/herself and one’s contribution to the problems of the failed marriage. I remember my attorney and I discussing the
fact that, generally speaking, the one who is filed upon faces a staggering
learning curve to play catch-up with the spouse who has already begun the
process of making plans and discovering legal as well as life options regarding
divorce. These things all combine to
create such an intense shock that one can literally walk around in fear,
desperation and the feelings of being overwhelmed. It certainly is not the simple and easy
process often depicted in movies.
As the
author moves forward in her article, she begins to discuss the unhealthy ways
the marriage got to the point of divorce, and the lessons that can be learned
to avoid repeating the mistakes in the future.
As a pastor who has talked with many troubled couples through the years,
the point she makes about avoiding problems and honest self-reflection could be
expanded to include the admonishment that all too often couples are unwilling
to face problems while they are still small, seeking help only after the
problems have become almost unsolvable,
Or, what I have frequently seen as a cause of divorce is that, once a
couple decides to work on their problems, the individuals are far too prone to
focus on the problems they see in their spouse, and unwilling to do the hard
work it takes to own up to one’s issues in a way that can lead to change and
growth. If you end up remarried,
hopefully those words won’t describe you.
What
lessons can be learned as one moves forward?
Rhodainpittsburgh makes several suggestions. I would like to add a caveat to what is
written: what one really learns will be
in the area of personal growth toward generally more healthy ways of relating
and problem solving. It is fairly dicey
to take mistakes from a past relationship and try to apply correction to a future
relationship, as each relationship is unique and each partner unique. It is inappropriate to respond to a new
partner in a way that is actually designed to avoid problems one had with a
previous partner. Those problems may not
even apply in the new relationship! It
is more important to be, as the writer suggests, genuine and honest with
yourself and your spouse, while open to growth and learning. The example of silence she mentions in some
cases may, indeed, be the stuffing of issues and attitudes, but others sort out
their issues by means of silent
reflection prior to speaking, while others still simply are quiet people who
are more introverted and communicate more in nonverbal ways. Again, the point is each person is unique and
must be treated as such.
Further in
the article, the writer speaks of reentering the world alone, without the
partner you once had at your side. Of
course, she is right. And that reentry
can feel extremely uncertain and lonely.
On the other hand, it is also an incredible opportunity for a restart, the
chance to choose a fresh way to live, to create a new kind of home environment,
or even to be able to develop and express personality traits that had
previously been left aside or long forgotten.
It is a wonderful opportunity to sit before God to simply ask, “What
would you desire to do in my life and through my life from this point
forward?” Granted there may be some
limitations, but there are also possibilities that did not exist in the
previous troubled relationship. I would
encourage folks to never minimize the opportunity that the tragedy of divorce
has created, though created in a terrible and very difficult way.
As she goes
on to discuss loneliness and the opportunity to find yourself afresh, I would
suggest that her point of rediscovering yourself is only part of the process,
because you can also begin asking yourself, “But who do I want to become? What do I want my life to reflect? And, most important of all, what am I willing
to do to get there?” The loneliness, though
absolutely overwhelming and often extremely depressing, does provide the
solitude time to ask oneself questions such as these, without the constraints
of answers imposed by a spouse with a different life agenda.
Rhoda warns
one should not get lost in the loneliness and grief, seeking a balance
instead. In
fact, I would add an
additional twist. Not only the
loneliness and grief, but don’t let even the
divorce itself consume your life.
You are not merely a person divorced or divorcing. You still are a unique individual, capable of
making various contributions in the lives of those around you as a worker, a
parent, a sibling or a friend. Don’t
allow divorce to somehow become your self-definition. It is only one facet of the person you
are.
Yes, the
process of divorce and life afterwards are complicated, messy and
uncertain. And no two are exactly
alike...some couples manage to find ways to work it out well while others wage
all out war for generations. As a result,
it is always hard to predict, or for specific advice to always apply. But here are a few thoughts, partly suggested
by Rhoda. It is important to seek
support and strength, but for that to be done in healthy ways and not in
addictive or dependent relationships that can become very inappropriate and
eventually more hurtful than the divorce.
And while there are common threads among those experiencing failing
marriages and divorce, the truth is, most everything I said above cannot be
generalized to fit everybody. What is
helpful for one person may be counterproductive for another. What can bring healing to one might cause
unnecessary hurt for another. Just as couples
in marriage must work out the particulars of relationship skills and tasks that
work for them, so in divorce each individual has to find the direction that can
lead them, over time, to wholeness and hope.
Personally, I do believe it is always best to process these things with
God as your guide, hence the title of my book, Finding God in the Seasons of
Divorce. But as Rhoda has so aptly demonstrated in her article, and as I
seek to provide in my book and writings as well, sometimes it is simply helpful
to make the journey through, as a shared journey with somebody who has gone
through divorce previously who is willing to open their world, struggle and
perspective enough to provide some tips along the way. Maybe these articles can begin the process
for some of you reading these pages. At
least, I hope so.
TL:dr An insightful article about the struggles of
divorce receives comment and input from Richard.
Somebody
actually asked me that question one time.
Do you want to guess what my answer was?
I simply said, “Everything.” I
was reminded of that the other night, after having attended the graduation of
one of my step-children. Being the last
child to graduate, there was an awareness of the end of an era, the end of
court ordered schedule and financial negotiations. At yet, in the attending, there was the
awareness of so many opportunities missed as time was spent with the other
parent, and the awkwardness that arises as each seeks to find a niche for
themselves without intruding or being intruded upon by the other parent. Even something as simple and significant as a
high school graduation is impacted by the complications and emotional upheavals
of divorce and court battles. And impacted
even more than a decade since the divorce of her parents. And there will be difficult things to handle
for many, many years to come. You
remember the fairy tales of childhood, where the prince and the girl meet,
marry and live happily ever after? That
is such an artificial myth, isn't it?
But people who believe you go to court and get the divorce, then life
happily divorced ever after are also believing an untrue myth. Those who believe divorce is some easy
solution, or that you go to court and get the decree and then it is over, are
sadly mistaken. Tragically
mistaken. Irreversibly mistaken. 
