RESURRECTION: A PARADIGM FOR POST-DIVORCE
So I received a comments on my facebook page after a recent blog and that led me to writing this blog as we near Easter. The blog had a catchy title of “Are You Over it Yet?” and if you didn’t read it, you may want to
scroll down and do so before finishing this one. Simply said, many people have
very little clue about divorce, believing it is something you should just get
over and move on with your life. Two of
the comments mentioned that after a long time married, or after forgiving your
ex, there is still a sense that you don’t “get over” it. I appreciated those comments, because they
affirmed the truth of the blog and the book. I share in the book about a couple of
individuals who helped me during my divorce time by pointing out this very
fact. Both of them had been divorced
many years before I had known them, and had moved on into full and rich lives,
with good marriages and good attitudes.
However, as I struggled with my experience, they encouraged me with the belief that I would get through it and move on, but that one never really gets over a
divorce. And so reading the comments and
having those memories I thought, with Easter upon us, the resurrection of
Christ can give some good insights into the post divorce process, to go one
step further in the discussion of “getting over” a divorce.
So, back to Easter. Let’s consider a few key concepts of the
resurrection. In the crucifixion and the
events leading up to it, Jesus suffered a great deal of anguish, pain, eventual death and entombment. There were plenty around
who sought to make sure He stayed dead, even guarding the tomb to prevent a
deception. But on Easter Sunday morning,
to everyone’s utter shock and surprise, (or in some cases, their horror and
dismay), Jesus came back from the dead in the resurrection, leaving the tomb
and grave clothes behind! This series of events
can be a powerful image of what God can do in our lives, even if we go through
the experience of divorce.
First, Jesus was tortured,
beaten, attacked, mocked, left on His own, and eventually destroyed. If you've gone through a tough divorce, most
of that is something you can relate to in one way or another. Oh, maybe you didn't die (probably not, you
are reading this!), but you sure may have wished you could, and certainly there
were things in your life that did: your
marriage, your trust, your love, your hopes…lots of possibilities depending on
your experience. At the very least, life
as you knew it died. And those divorce
papers felt like a burial shroud, covering over the years of love, the years of
building a life together and the hopes for “happily ever after till death do
you part.” Dead. And often the next experience is one of cold
and empty darkness (hence the cover of the book), much like the cold dark tomb
of Christ. Sure, you may have some
around you come with fragrant spices to make things seem better, but death
remains death nonetheless. And there are
those who wrap us in grave clothes, stamped with the word “divorced”. There are those who serve as guards, seeking
to make sure we remain in that tomb, some by always identifying us merely as a
person “divorced” or who, like our ex perhaps, no longer wants us around at
all. I appreciated Toni’s comment about
forgiveness, even though “getting over” the divorce is a different
matter…..because isn't that also part of the Easter story? Did not Jesus on the cross pray God to
forgive the people who destroyed Him, too?
And yet that prayer did NOT prevent the death from occurring nor cut
short the experience of being laid in a tomb.
Forgiveness IS important, but it doesn't change the fact that you end up
divorced…..at least, not most of the time.
But Jesus’ story did not end in
the tomb with the people keeping Him locked in.
The power of God cannot be stopped by such trivial human efforts. Jesus broke free from the grave wrappings,
the stone could not withstand the pressure of the glory inside, and Jesus got
up from His grave to start life anew, a life of glory and life eternal. After a divorce, we are faced with
choices. Some people seem to like the
tomb….they like getting flowers or spices, they prefer the safety of entombment
away from the people outside, and they spend their time dwelling on all the
things that got them to the death of their marriage. But other people stagger out of their tomb,
trying to piece together a new life as best they can, always carrying with them
the label placed upon them of “divorced” by those who would just as soon they
stay in the tomb and not trouble the contented lives of those outside. And then…
And then there are those who
believe in the power of resurrection.
There are those who ask God to do a work in their lives, to put flesh on
the dead bones, to tear off the grave clothes and open the tomb so that they
can walk into a new life with Christ.
This happens at two levels for us, the first, of course, is when one
chooses to give their lives to Jesus to follow Him in life, and thus receive
the gift of eternal life with the promise of heaven. But it also happens when we allow God to
invade the cold, dark spaces of our lives like divorce, and ask Him to bring
light and life there by His glorious power.
And just as miraculously as Jesus walked forth from the tomb, God can
bring forth something powerful and new beyond the death of your marriage. I know this myself, I have a new wife and
completely different opportunities in my life than I ever expected at the time
of my divorce. And some of them are
miraculous. Like the fact that a woman
in Zambia …..a
country I've never seen, and a woman I've never met….reads these blogs! And she isn't the only one! There are lots of names and countries that
keep popping up…and I don’t know most of them…but God does, and God is working
not only in my life, but in the lives of people He is touching as He works in
mine.
But… There’s always a catch, isn't there? Well, sort of. Here is the “catch.” First, if you read the Easter stories
carefully, you will notice that the resurrected Jesus still had the scars in
His hands, feet and side. That is the
notion of not “getting over” your divorce.
God can move you on, God can do great things, you can find a new life
and a new joy….but the damage was done, there is no denying the scars, the
experience of your divorce has changed you.
Jesus’ wounds didn't hurt like they once did. They didn't bleed as they had on the
cross. But the scars were there, clear
reminders of the crucifixion and the price He paid for our sin. You, too will come out scarred, but remember,
scars exist only from wounds that have healed.
Like Christ’s wounds, their impact remains, but healed they no longer
have the power to cause you pain as they once did. Oh, the healing takes time,
prayer and forgiveness, and the pain may only go away slowly or twinge now and
then, but God can redeem your situation and bring new life, allowing you to
leave the cold dark times behind. Which
brings us to the other catch. You have
to walk out of the tomb. If you really
want to know the power of God’s resurrection in your life, and beyond your
divorce, you have to refuse to stay wrapped in the garments that bind you and
break through the dark stone that would hold you back from tomorrow….no matter
who or want wants to keep you trapped inside.
Sometimes that entrapment is well-intentioned (or not so
well-intentioned) family or friends, sometimes it may be a harassing ex. Sometimes it can be the bitterness and
unforgiveness in your heart, sometimes it can be the unwillingness to let go of
the past or turn to the future.
Sometimes it can be the relishing the pain for the comfort others bring
while you dwell in self-pity. There are
other things that keep us entombed….you probably already know what they are in
your life.
The question is simple: Are you willing to leave behind the things
that entomb you, that you may know the resurrection power of God to bring you
new life, new hope, new direction and forgiveness? The scars may go with you, but you don’t have
to sit around picking at the scabs.
Maybe the original question is worded wrong: maybe it isn't that we “get over” our
divorces, maybe it is that we “get past” them…by the power of God. Hey, Happy Easter, Happy Resurrection Sunday,
and, hopefully, Happy Resurrection Life!
TL:dr Just as the tomb could not hold Jesus, so
God’s power can break the power of divorce to hold us back in life from God’s
hope and redemption.
