Simple Steps for a World of Difference in 2016

Will It Be A New Year?

Same old same old, or something new and different, none of us know what all 2016 will hold, because so many things are outside of our control.  However, there are some choices we have the power to make that will have impact on what our coming year is like.  We each have to choose whether we are going to live with our hearts and our thoughts in the past, whether we spend our time waiting for a future day when things will be different, or whether we embrace each day as it comes, finding joy in some things each day, and facing each day’s challenges or sorrows when they come.  

This New Year, those of you in the midst of divorce will likely find yourselves moving forward in some positive ways.  Either you will discover a way to reconcile with your spouse and get your marriage on a track that will honestly work and honor God, or you will move one step closer to having all the legal entanglements of divorce get resolved, allowing you to move on to a new chapter in life.  

Those of you already further in the process, may be finding yourself moving one step closer to your children reaching legal age, and with it the necessary painful interactions with your ex become much fewer in number.  

Maybe you have had to move to a new home in the divorce process, and after months of feeling in transition and displaced, this year will become the time you are able to create a space that feels like home.  As we see the world’s terrorists seek to bring fear, havoc and hatred, while those challenges need be faced, we can also choose to bring to the world around us joy, peace and love.  

Simple steps can make a world of difference.

This year you might choose to turn away from how your life has always been, and begin building new adventures, new hobbies, take on new challenges, develop some personal characteristics that have lain dormant for too long.  

I would challenge you to find a new way to enhance your relationship with Christ, through joining a Bible study group (or starting one yourself!), taking on the challenge of reading through the Bible or New Testament this year, or maybe even choosing to memorize a few scriptures and reflect on them in your time with God.  

My wife suggested that this year we create our own thankfulness or gratitude jar, and each day place in it a slip of paper describing one of the blessings in your life.   

Every day of 2016 is going to bring difficulties and challenges, and it will also bring something that can bring a smile to your face or meaning in your life.  What kind of year will 2016 be for you?  

That question is answered not only by what happens to you or to our world, but by what you determine to make the year to be.  My recommendation is, make it a Happy New Year...even if it is a year full of difficulties.  The year 2016 might be the most treasured year of your life! 

We are so encouraged by our readers and appreciate all the posts on Facebook and the blog.   Feel free to email Richard Crooks at seasonsofdivorce@gmail.com to share your ideas and stories with us.  

The Power of Suffering

The Hardships of Christmas

For many people who celebrate Christmas, it is not always the joyous time depicted in movies and advertising.  Many struggle through the holidays instead, for a variety of reasons.  Some face the holiday with grief as they approach their first Christmas without a loved one who passed away this year.  Perhaps a family member has been taken to prison, or a child removed from a home, and that absence creates intense emotion at this time of year.  Others see in the Christmas all the things they are no able to provide, or all the family who is ashamed of them or wants nothing to do with them.  Perhaps worst of all is the suffering of those who will go to sleep Christmas Eve hungry, on the verge of starvation, sleeping not in a bed but wherever they can find to rest their heads because they have no home, some of whom are suffering as innocents from the ravages of war.

There are a lot of reasons people struggle at Christmas, and one of them is due to the aftermath of divorce.   Traditions are suddenly undone or shattered as schedules have to be disrupted and adapted for children trying to celebrate Christmas with each of their parents, whom they love.  Even faith can be tested as one who had hoped God would spare them the agony of divorce, instead find themselves alone and forsaken by their spouses.   

All the pain, heartache, disappointment…suffering…just doesn’t seem to fit as appropriate t he celebration of Jesus’s birth.  Or does it?

A thoughtful reflection on the Nativity Story leads one not only to a Baby in a manger adored by shepherds and magi.  

It also contains a young couple weary from a long and inconvenient journey, forced to accept shabby housing in lieu of space in an inn.  

The story includes a king filled with jealousy and hatred, who responded only in anger when he feels threatened by a newborn king.  

Nativity includes the wailing of the parents in Bethlehem, whose children are slaughtered by soldiers commanded to destroy any chance of a usurper of the throne by their jealous and maniacal king.  

As if the young couple had not struggled enough, they were forced to flee as refugee immigrants to the land of Egypt, lest their child be caught up in the wholesale slaughter of children in Bethlehem.  

Christmas is not only about angels singing, it is also bound up with the story of human suffering.  

Sadly, this same story continues to our day in many places around our world, who are under the rule of tyrants and assassins.  As well as the countries whose rulers are nicely dressed and comfortably housed intent on enriching their own treasuries and indifferent to the struggles of those who live there.  

In fact, the central theme of the Nativity Story is specifically the suffering of the world, the suffering humans and creation have experienced in the slavery brought on by sinful attitudes, attitudes and hearts.  So maybe if Christmas is difficult for you this year, perhaps you are actually closer to the heart of Christmas than you realize.

If that is you, though I don’t normally recommend books I have not yet read, I would offer suggestion of a book I just received from a friend as a Christmas gift. It is a book he and I have discussed several times, and from which he has shared some meaningful insights:  Glorious Ruin—How Suffering Sets You Free by Tullian Tchividjian.  Or consider the classic (which I HAVE read) The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis.  

In a world that seeks to escape suffering whenever possible, it is important to remember that some of the inescapable sufferings bring the most meaningful learnings.  I would remind you, in whatever kind of celebration you have for Christmas, that suffering was at the core of the original Christmas:  it was only through the hardships of travel that the Messiah fulfilled prophecy in his Bethlehem birth, and it was only through the intense pain and travail of labor, that the Messiah entered the world to bring salvation to all who would believe.  

Don’t give up just because you are facing suffering or hardship, for you might miss something powerful just beyond the next bend.

Surviving the Post Divorce Single Parent Holiday

IT’S COMPLICATED!

Holiday season is here again.  Funny how so many cluster around the same time of year...Thanksgiving, New Year’s, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa….am I missing anything?    I have missed getting a few blogs up, for lots of reasons, but one of the main ones has been all the comings and goings related to the holidays.  Of all the times of year, I think this holiday season is the time when the impact of divorce is most keenly felt.

It is rather ironic that individuals in troubled marriages sometimes think that if they only get a divorce, it will solve all their problems, but afterwards discover that divorce often causes more problems than it solves. 

Mind if I illustrate, for those who haven’t been there and might not believe me?

Let’s use Christmas to illustrate.  Let’s assume there are children involved, with grandparents still living.  Let’s also assume that one of the parents is remarried.  Some families celebrate on Christmas Eve, some on Christmas Day, and some do special things in both times…which is my way of doing things.  Children are generally raised with one tradition or the other.  I have always kind of mixed my preferences.  I like to go to Christmas Eve services and do some fun things on Christmas Eve, but prefer to have a holiday dinner on Christmas Day.  

Then, when a divorce comes, the schedule changes.  Which house will the kids be at for Christmas, which for Christmas Eve?  Or will it all be at one place and the other parent need to celebrate on the weekend instead?  How does that impact the schedule for new children the couple might have…do those children have to miss special holiday traditions for the sake of a divorce induced schedule?  If all that works this year, what about next year…do you take turns?  Do you end up focusing on one time or the other?  Do you forego ever seeing your children on Christmas if you accept that Christmas Eve is the only time you have with them?  

Then, factor in the grandparents, supposing the divorced parent is one of several children.  Grandparents sometimes suffer much in a divorce:  not only do they see their beloved child suffering due to the heartaches of divorce, but they also experience a loss of opportunities to spend time with their grandchildren.  If their is to be a united family holiday then all the members, the grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins must now orient the holiday celebrations around a shared custody schedule, which may change from year to year, and accept that the traditions of the past may not be possible.  

And then there are the gifts.  Is it possible to coordinate those, too?  

If every one knows little Johnny needs a new bike, who buys it?  The parent whose house he is at the most, or the other parent?  Does he take it back and forth, or have one at each place?  If you bought a really nice one, are you able to handle that he takes it to the other parent’s home when he returns, and you may never get to see him enjoy it?  Worse yet, what if you buy one, and the other parent decides to one up you by purchasing a fancier one, just to make Johnny think he is more loved there?  (It DOES happen!)  In addition, sometimes a parent will phrase things in such a way it turns the child against the other parent, which impacts relationships with grandparents as well.  It is just a messy situation all the way around.  

In addition, you may find Christmas difficult, because you are still paying on attorney fees, or because you are now attempting to manage a household on half the income, since your partner has left.  As you decorate for the holidays, you may run across ornaments or other decorations that bring tears to your eyes as you are flooded with memories that once were sweet but now taste bitter.  It may be that places you visit for the holidays create the same kind of mixed emotions.

Christmas is but one holiday.  Every interaction becomes complicated. 

One difficulty many single parents face is the fact that the divorced parents hold a different set of values and parenting styles.  As a result, there is not the unity of discipline that is so essential for good parenting.  The children of divorce are well aware of this.  

How many single parents hear, “I don’t have to make my bed at dad’s house!  Mom lets me stay up later than 9:00.  I don’t have to put up with not being allowed to play video games, I’m going to my dad’s house!”  

Or the most troubling words a parent might hear, “I want to move over to the other house.”

These are a few of the “solutions” that come with a divorce.  They are the kinds of stresses many divorced individuals have to deal with on a daily basis.  So, especially in this time of year, a few words of encouragement and support might be just the thing to lift the load for a struggling friend. 

If you are one who is in the midst of these struggles, realize that you are not alone…many of us understand what you are going through and how difficult it is.  Even in the midst of these heartaches, it is a good thing to recall the name celebrated of Jesus at this time of year:  Immanuel---God is with us!

Thank You, Veterans

WHAT A DAY…

Today was a day filled with a collection of odd turns and twists…mind if I share it with you?  

So I was up extremely early…about 3:30 a.m. or so…and often when I get up like that, I will read, including a little devotional I get via email.  When I opened the email to read it, there was an email from a gentleman in France I have never met, but have exchanged emails a few times, asking me a question about World War II.  In his country, he is involved in several fascinating projects that center around appreciation for what our soldiers did for them.  Many of the projects involve our soldiers whose actions received less attention, because they were part of the invasion of Southern France, not the beaches of Normandy.  His email and questions came because I had been the go between between he and dad - when he was researching the events surrounding those who landed in Southern France (and Italy and Sicily).  

Anyway, I replied to his email, and he replied back, so it was for me, a nice start to the celebration of Veteran’s Day.  Being somewhat of a ditz, I asked if he realized it was Veteran’s Day, and he indicated it was Armistice Day over there…which I have heard of, but know little about, because I am relatively ignorant about World War I.  My wife later advised me that Armistice Day was the original recognition of November 11 - until it was changed by President Eisenhower who, in 1954, changed it to Veteran’s Day.  So learning something new like that ALSO was a nice piece for Veteran’s Day. 

While eating breakfast, I watched a little more of a DVD series I have been viewing about the Civil War, a fictional story around the historical facts.  Later, I loaded up to go to the cemetery and took flags to put on my dad’s grave, and some mums to plant.  The treat with that was that a good friend went with me, providing emotional support and we shared good conversation about mutual concerns.  Again, a nice Veteran’s Day.

Midmorning I headed uptown (which in my community is only a few blocks away and only a few blocks long), because they were holding a Veteran’s Day parade.  When I arrived, the streets were lined with grade school children holding little flags.  The parade was classic old fashioned Americana, with a politician, small school marching bands playing patriotic songs, people throwing candy off floats, and a number of veterans from various branches of the military and various conflicts, including individuals currently serving at our local armory.  In addition, one of the grade schools had their classes marching in the parade, many carrying home made flags they had drawn in art, smiling and waving (probably because they were out of school for the parade, no doubt!), with proud parents and grandparents lining the way to wave and take pictures.  I thought, my dad would have been very pleased.

As I prepared to leave, I noticed another good friend a distance away, who is a vet, and took the time to thank him for his service.  He introduced me to a friend of his, also a vet, and I was able to express my appreciation to that marine as well. 

My dad was a veteran of World War II, involved in some of the most vicious campaigns of the European Theater.  Arriving at Dachau the day after it was liberated and coming home after two and a half years in Europe.  He had the privilege of hearing words of appreciation for what he did from the young man in France and an Italian woman, who had been a child when the country was freed.  He had the privilege of knowing current service men in the battalion that now replaces his.   Receiving respect and honor on a number of occasions as well as kindnesses beyond measure from them.  I closed the day by sending my best wishes to two of those officers, whom I am privileged to call friends as well.

I don’t like war.  I don’t think killing people is some glorious adventure that solves all the world’s problems.  However, when I see pictures today from Syria and Iraq and all the places ruthless killers seek to dominate weaker individuals, I realize that like it or not, we live in a troubled world, so that people like my dad and my military friends play an important role for all of us who long for the world to be a better place.  

Thank you, veterans and servicemen, who serve for freedom and justice, taking great risks for people like me, who have never had to do what you do.  

God bless you all.  I hope you have had a good Veterans Day/Armistice Day!

Finding Strength in a Season of Caregiving - Free Sneak Peak!

A SNEAK PEEK!

You may have noticed that the next volume to come out is a collection of daily readings for caregivers.  I have chosen to make it 100 days instead of an entire year, but at some point might decide to produce an expanded edition, who knows!  However, since it is on the verge or publication, I thought my current connected readers might enjoy a sample as a sneak peek.  

Maybe you know someone who could use this particular book, too.  You will be among the first to know when it goes live, so please, share the news.  I selected a sample that I thought can be useful in many of life’s situations, though it is geared toward the world of caregiving.  Enjoy!

Day 5  Philippians 1:22-25

I had to make some decisions over the last few weeks, myself.  Such as, do you want him transferred to a bigger hospital?  If the situation turns bad, what measures do you want us to take and not to take?  Should we transfer him to another kind of rehab facility now, or wait a few more weeks?  I really don’t need to list for you all my questions; they are the same kind of questions as the ones you have probably had to face, or one day will.

In some cases, those decisions are less difficult to make because you have guidance from a living will or conversations you have had with your loved one long ago.  But even then, I would comment that helpful as these things are when making decisions, the emotional impact of it all can still be very strong on you.  I remember words of decision coming out of my mouth, voicing the guidance I had been given years before, but as I heard them out loud, it felt like signing somebody’s death warrant.  It was hard to walk away.  

One recent decision was apparently a real toss up, advantages and disadvantages whichever way I decided.  There were family members I could consult with, but they were not on the scene with all the observations you get first hand and time was of the essence.  Ultimately, it was my decision to make, so I made the best judgment I could based on the information I had or could get, and based on the reality of how things were that day.  

Sometimes, the path is not so clear.  Sometimes we are in situations much like Paul’s, where we could go one way or the other, and we have to choose.  We know our choices may result in consequences we had not foreseen.  It is the reality of life, the reality of caregiving.  Gather your information, seek appropriate counsel, ask God for wisdom, then make your choice and give the consequences to God.  Then walk away, knowing you did the best you know how to do in the situation with the knowledge you had at the time.

Never Truly Alone

EMPTY HALLS

Let’s begin today with a confession.  I’m old.  Having said that, a couple melancholy songs I like from the “olden days” of rock and roll were sung by Don McLean and one by Abba in which they each describe the experience of being in a house that used to belong to a family or couple, but now had the feeling of emptiness as one wandered around.  There had been a breakup, a divorce, and nothing was as it had been before, with memories that were bittersweet.  

Probably one of the most profound changes after divorce is the extreme sense of empty space and loneliness.  The chair at the dinner table that once held a loved one is now empty.  The children who laughed in the hallway are now gone part of the time as they go to “visit” the other parent…(I liked my attorney’s refusal to use the term visit…she preferred shared parenting, and I agree). 

Meals for one are not as fun as family dinners, when one is in the midst of the wake of divorce.  Movies and popcorn can be fun, but the empty seat next to you literally shouts of loss.  Even the trip to the doctor can remind you that there won’t be that special someone in the waiting room should you require surgery.  The silence in a home late at night is deafening.  Loneliness can be overwhelming.

One of my favorite reminders that I received during my divorce was the one a friend who had also been divorced offered.  He simply stated that no matter how lonely I felt, I should not forget that I am never truly alone.  The God who said that he would never fail or forsake us, the Savior who promised he would be with us always, all the way to the end of this age, the Spirit of God promised to live within us and show us God’s ways do not suddenly depart or abandon us just because of a divorce.  God’s presence is much bigger than that. 

If you are feeling the pangs of loneliness because of divorce, I would encourage you to find a way to make room for God’s presence to be real in this time.  You could have a second chair and place setting at a meal that represents the presence of God.  You could place a special verse about God’s love in a prominent place you will see each morning.  Even hanging a painting of Christ can be a token to remind you he is always there.  Whatever will help you remember the lesson my friend offered me so long ago:  you may be lonely, but you never, ever, ever are truly alone.  God simply doesn’t give up on us that easily.

I Need Some Positive Affirmation!

YOU ARE STUPENDOUS!!!

(you believe that, right?)

I’ve noticed some things about all the different video games that are out there, especially the ones with multiple levels.  Have you even observed how often they love to tell you how great you are?  You complete a simple puzzle, and fireworks appear on the screen, stars start exploding, playing cards dance all over the screen and you are told time and again that you were incredible, fanstastic, super, STUPENDOUS!  I’ve noticed that in a certain card game I play, even when I have the worst set of turns I’ve ever had and the game quickly comes to an end, I’m still told “good game!”  I keep waiting for a computer geek to come running down the center of my yard to high five me as he or she passes by me.

Every time I am around one of these games, I always wonder if anybody every really believes those things.  I mean, it’s like the principle of positive reinforcement run amuck!    It makes me wonder if there are people out there really that desperate for approval.  

Sadly, I have known individuals who in their lives get little or no positive support.  When that is true of a marriage, it often ends in adultery or divorce, or both.  

While it is hard to believe that anyone takes any of those comments seriously, I do think the fact that those comments are so pervasively included, reminds us that people need love support, affirmation and encouragement.  People everywhere long for those things.  If that is true, as I believe it is, let me ask, where do you get those positive supports in your life?  How are you doing at investing them into the lives of those you love?

Those questions are especially poignant for individuals in the midst of divorce, because they have generally just experienced a very traumatic form of rejection and hurt.  In the midst of the experience, the traumatized individual has suddenly lost what may be their main support of affirmation and support in their lives.  It is important that the individual find sources of support and encouragement to help fill the vacuum left behind.  Those of you who know individuals in this state may not have the slightest clue how important even the simplest gesture of kindness can be to someone struggling in divorce.  

Yet, I would suggest that we must not be individuals who are so focused on receiving the love and affirmation we need, that we neglect the importance of providing that same love and affirmation to those we care about most.  As well as others who happen to be around us who also could benefit from our encouragement.  For some of them, they may need the unique affirmation that only you can provide.  Neglecting to provide it for them is a tragic mistake and missed opportunity.

Of course, the greatest affirmation any of us could ever know is to be found in the recognition and experience of the love of God for us, demonstrated most profoundly at the cross of Jesus.   Passages like Romans 5:6-8, John 3:16-17, Ephesians 3:16-18, Matthew 10:29-31 and Romans 8:31-39 are but a sampling of a Bible filled with demonstration of God’s love for us and the incredible value he places on each and every one of our lives.  

Don’t get your affirmation from gimmicky compliments in video games or other such shallow experiences.  And don’t let you the ones you love have to resort to that either.  God wants us all to move to a higher level as well, in something more than just a game, and he wants us to be participants in the wonderful work of the giving and receiving of meaningful affirmation and love….even if those you thought would be there have decided to walk away.