Something Special in Your Future

DREAM MARRIAGE?

Shortly after my divorce, I bumped into an old friend who had himself been recently divorced and remarried, and when we talked about our experiences, he shared with me that he learned in his second marriage that a marriage relationship can be far different from what he had experienced in his first marriage, and tried to encourage me that it really can be different.  In the throes of heartache at the time, I was highly skeptical, and he had to give me some specifics of how he felt his new marriage was so much better and different that his first.  He then proceeded to share some of his experiences about his apparently much more healthy, new marital relationship.

At about the same time, another friend’s words of encouragement to me were that there is a dream called marriage, the old “happily ever after”…or probably more realistically, “healthily ever after.”  As he knew my first marriage had been a difficult one, his comment was that my marriage had died, but the dream did not die, it was still real, and still something worth pursuing.  Again, I didn’t really feel that way, and it was way too early for me to be even interested in taking a chance at another relationship.  But with time, and some intentional efforts at working on my own issues to heal some of those deep hurts and struggles, there came a day when I did meet a woman and we started a relationship that grew into love and the start of a new marriage that has lasted 12 years so far...and that is what I want to encourage you about.

Some of you reading may be recently divorced and uncertain about your future.  Other readers may have friends who are struggling after divorce, and you want to express your concern and encouragement.  While those words from my friends may have been a bit premature for me to hear (although clearly they still stuck with me), the value they had was to open for me the idea of possibilities.  But it was only an idea.  I could hear people discuss the differences between a healthy marriage and one that is dysfunctional in one way or another, but it wasn’t until I experienced these years of a completely different marriage relationship that I came to understand on a personal level what that difference is.  And to believe that my friends were right, it really can be different.

Okay, some may be wondering what I mean about different.  Well, examples (not just from my own marriage) could be things like being treated with respect, have an assurance that you are valued and cherished, not having to always be on edge about whether or not you will say or do something that will cause your spouse to lash out at you in anger, feeling secure in your relationship and free from any fears or suspicions, or maybe just having more actively shared common values in such things as attending church together having times in prayer together.  

There are lots of materials out there that can help you learn to distinguish between health and dysfunctional marriages, and those can indeed be good resources to consult.  But this blog is not about that, this blog is about hope. It can be encouraging to know, when a marriage falls apart and you are in the throes of anguish and loss, that even though you have lost that relationship, it does not mean you don’t have the possibility of discovering something different, something special in your future.  Don’t rush it, or try to force it into happening, but know that in his perfect timing, God can bring to you a person with whom you can experience something special and precious, a fresh kind of loving marriage.  Don’t give up hope, if that is something you long to have.  Work on your own issues, let God heal the wounds, teach you better ways of responding and communicating yourself, and then when you have learned a more healthy way, you will recognize the possibility when that special someone comes along.  And let me tell you straight out, by the way:  my friends were right, it really can be different.  Not a day goes by that I am not thankful for my new wife, Nola, and the experience of learning first-hand how great it is to be in a more healthy and loving marriage.  We keep working on making it better, and have our own issues and need for growth, but I have found when you have a solid base of genuine love and respect, that growth can be pursued together.  The dream has still not died…take my word for it, marriage CAN INDEED be a wonderful experience!

Divorce, Remarriage and the Church....

Divorced? What do you do NOW?

Remarriage?  No Remarriage?  Divorce?  No Divorce? 

So what does the Bible teach about these things?  

I mentioned on a recent blog that I had interacted with a pastor who believed that his interpretation regarding divorce and remarriage, was the only valid interpretation.   To listen to much modern Christian teaching, one could easily come away with the sense that there IS only one legitimate Christian position, and that the position is the most strict view against divorce and remarriage.  And yet, Martin Luther, John Calvin, Erasmus, John Knox, William Tyndale, and John Wesley to name a few, had a different interpretation!!!  How come nobody tells you that? 

I recently read an article that does a pretty good job of providing some of the historical  on the various views of divorce and remarriage, and have decided to use it as a source to help summarize the various Christian positions in the matter.  Most of the historical information comes from that article by David Snuth in the Trinity Journal, published by the Winnipeg Theological Seminary. The link below will take you to the entire article in Trinity Journal:

 David Snuth Article in Trinity Journal

  I thought you might benefit from having a list of the points of view, as well as a bit of explanation with mention of historical Christian leaders who held various views.  So let me list for you here the four different views of what the scripture teaches, thus giving you an opportunity to consider what your position might be.  Primarily, though, I hope it can help us not to demonize Christians who hold other interpretations, knowing that they are not alone in their views.

The first position is that divorce is not an option God ever allows…it is always wrong.  Period.  Therefore, any time it is done, it is a sin before God.  In this position, the idea is that marriage is a sacrament and mystical union which human actions cannot break and should not flout.  Some of these people believe that even if there is a civil divorce, it can never break the spiritual union, the sacrament of marriage.  Obviously, this is a Roman Catholic position from Thomas Aquinas forward, hence the need to create the process called “annulment” so as to preserve the theology while accommodating those who end up divorced and remarried anyway.  This strong view was codified by the Roman Church at the Council of Trent in 1563, although in the early church there was some variation of opinion.  This is also a position that some of the very conservative theologians today believe, although they don’t use the word “sacrament,” they would affirm an indissolvable, mystical component to the marriage.

The second is divorce is allowed, but only in certain cases, with no option for remarriage except to the original spouse.  This position holds that the New Testament teachings of adultery and, maybe, abandonment (from 1 Corinthians 7), were intended to be an exhaustive list of the grounds for divorce.  Their reading of Jesus’ teachings (Matthew 19 and Matthew 5) follow the interpretation that while he permitted divorce, he did not permit remarriage in those passages.  This being the case, these individuals also believe that the only acceptable remarriage is with one’s ex-spouse as long as the ex-spouse is alive.  Historically, this view is held by a number of the earliest church leaders, during the rise of Christianity in the first few centuries after Christ.

The third option is divorce is allowed in certain “scriptural” cases, in which the innocent party is permitted to remarry another person.  Notably, these “scriptural” causes would be adultery and abandonment again.  But the distinction is the freedom to remarry someone else.  This interprets Jesus’ statement about adultery as a legitimate cause for divorce as also giving  freedom of remarriage.  Usually, the preference would still be to remarry one’s original spouse, if that is possible in a Christian way, but it is not a restriction.  This would be close to William Tyndale’s view, Presbyterian founder John Knox and founder of Methodism, John Wesley. 

The 4^th option is divorce is allowed for a variety of reasons, and remarriage is also allowed.  A core part of this view is that the scriptural responses of Paul and Jesus were to situational questions, rather than trying to establish a exhaustive list of legitimate grounds of divorce (which is how it is often taken by many today).  One of the strongest arguments in favor of this view is that if Jesus’ mention was as the only legitimate grounds for divorce, why would Paul add to the list?  Sir Thomas Moore, Origen, Martin Luther, Desiderius Erasmus (New Testament Greek Scholar of the Reformation period), Philip Melancthon, John Calvin (who allowed divorce for impotence, religious incompatibility, abandonment and adultery) and reform theologian Martin Bucer were all in this category, allowing in practice both divorce for various causes, and remarriage.  In some cases, these individuals had a theology that was more like the third position, but their practice was in this 4^th category.  Interestingly enough, Luther, Calvin and Bucer spoke of marriage as a civil institution, rather than a church matter, rejecting the Catholic notion of the sacramental nature of marriage.  Also interesting is the fact that Luther and Calvin both recognized the hindrance of a Christian spouse’s spiritual life as legitimate grounds for divorce, and Luther’s practice even addressed significant anger and discord in the home, much like today’s “irreconcilable differences.” 

  SOOOOOO, if you feel like people are treating you as an outsider because you happen not to believe the same view as some other individuals, realize your view MAY fit with historical Christianity, whether they say so or not.  And, recognize that just because a particular view happens to be the most vocal does NOT make it necessarily the most scriptural.  I’d like to take time to go over the various methods involved in handling the scriptures, but have gone too long as it is.  Reading the article can give you some good tips in this area.  Or, you can go to a quality commentary like Word Biblical Commentary, International Critical Commentary or the Anchor Bible Commentary.  I know not everyone will care for this blog, but I do think there are truths that Mr. Snuth has made available that need to be known in the church today.

TL:dr  Recap of four Christian views of divorce/remarriage, including some historical advocates.