Life's Play Book

SCRIPT PLEASE!

It may just be me, but have you ever watched a good movie or television show involving relationships, and find yourself amazed at how the individuals know exactly what to say and how to say it to make everything work out before the end of the show?  Sometimes I wish I had a team of writers who would know what is going to happen in my life and my relationships and could simply hand me a script with all the right things to say and do to make all my relationships perfect so that everything is happily ever after. 

Real life, though…

Well, real life is messy.  Personal relationships do not follow a script.  People don’t always respond in the ways we might think they are supposed to, and odds are, we don’t always either!  Plans go awry.  People change and can be unpredictable.  Disappointments come.  Sometimes things just don’t work out.  And one of the results is divorce.

That is also why no parenting or marriage book is the last word…because children and spouses don’t always follow a script as easily as the books sometimes imply.  It is better to see them as resources filled with good ideas to try and to adapt as you develop your own personal relationships.  Some ideas will fit and work, some will be dismally useless in your situation.

I see this mentality elsewhere in our society.  I see lots of people, mainly young people, who love to play computer and other video games…I’m sure you know the names of a multitude of them.  What I have noticed is that, very often when they come to a part that is complicated that they cannot figure out, they resort to surfing the internet to find something called “cheat codes” that tells them how to jump ahead without having to figure it out or struggle through it on their own.   People just want answers to the hard challenges we face in life, and we want somebody to just give them to us.  “Give me a script.  Let me look up the codes.  It is all just too complicated!”

The truth is, life is rarely what we anticipate it is going to be.  Becoming an adult is far different from the imaginations of childhood.  Raising children doesn’t always end up with the results we hope for.  Career tracks sometimes get stalled.  Marriages fall apart.  But let us not forget also, that some things turn out much better than expected.  Whether things go well or poorly is not the point, rather, it is that the twists and turns of life rarely follow the scripts we write, and there aren’t often simple codes we can automatically plug in and make everything work.

I have been in plenty of situations that have left me confused or uncertain, and had many times it would have been nice to have a play book I could refer to that would lay out all the options with the best choice highlighted and underlined.  Instead, like everybody else, I have to make the best choices I can with the knowledge that I have, and sometimes those choices might even be mistakes.  Then, after I have made my choice, others will make their choices as well, not following a clear script either, and sometimes that all gets messy and jumbled up.  This is why forgiveness and understanding are so important.  It is also why we need second chances sometimes.  

Let me add though, that there is a script, and overall script that is the plan of God, and a “code book” we can turn to for some overall guidance in life.  

You see, God is always moving things into our lives and working in ways we can’t always see in our limited understanding.  Unlike the actors who have the entire detailed script in hand, with all the props and staging neatly described, we have the outline, and know the end story.  The chapters that make up our lives, we experience much like the individual who watches the move…one scene at a time.  The scriptures provide some structure within which we can operate best if we take the time to search them and follow the directions provided.  

Most of the time, though, we simply must trust the One who is the stage designer and director, to guide us through life’s winding pathways to the ultimate outcome of eternity with Him.

The Opportunities of Being Alone

THE LONELIEST NUMBER

Years ago, there was a song popular by the rock group Three Dog Night named “One,” and the chorus of that song proclaimed that “one is the loneliest number.”  

Probably loneliness is one of the hardest things to face after a divorce, and it comes in many different forms.  Loneliness can be felt at night when you turn off the last light and hear nothing but emptiness in the house.  Loneliness can be felt when you are caring for a houseful of children and suddenly realize there is no one there to help.  Loneliness can be felt when you go out to eat and see tables filled with couples, or groups of couples…or maybe you are even with a group of couples…but you are there alone.  Loneliness can even be experienced by a glance at an empty seat in the car or at the table, by the smaller loads of laundry or the meals prepared that you realize are way too big for just yourself.  It can be hard when, after years of marriage, you walk up to the ticket box at the theater and respond to the question of, “how many?” by simply saying, “One.”

Even church can be a lonely place.  

Most churches include a lot of individuals who have been widowed, and those who have never yet gotten married, but sitting by yourself because your marriage has fallen apart is an entirely different kind of experience.  A friend of mine liked to remind me during my times of loneliness that there is a huge difference between being lonely and being alone, and that as a Christian, I was never really alone even if I felt very lonely.  He was, of course, right.  It’s just that it didn’t always feel like he was right.

Somewhere along the way, I picked up the notion that it is probably best not to get into another serious relationship, until it is okay to be alone, to not be in a relationship.  I have long loved the verse found in Mark 1:35—

^“And in the morning, a great while before day, he rose and went out to a lonely place, and there he prayed.”  (RSV)

Jesus was comfortable being alone.  In fact, there were times he clearly relished it.  He never married (despite fictional accounts in popular movies), and so his life was a life of solitude and friendships, not the life of a married man.  He never seemed to be concerned about whether he would ever find that “perfect girl” or not.  He clearly felt whole living his life single.  

We are most healthy when we are able to feel whole, even if living alone, the kind of wholeness that only comes from a relationship with God. 

Jesus, it seems to me, understood that there are opportunities that come with singleness that do not exist in marriage.  

Let’s consider the idea... Jesus, married.  Let your imagination go for a second...  (and I'll ask ahead of time for forgiveness...).

“What did you say, Jesus?  You have 5000 friends out on a picnic with you, and you didn’t even think to pack the picnic basket?  Do I have to think of everything?”  (Of course, if he WERE married, there would have been a picnic basket…the opposite gender tends not to be as forgetful about those things.)

“Okay, Jesus, I get that you feel called to be at travelling evangelist - but can’t we at least get an RV?”

“Yes dear, I understand that male bonding time is important.  But don’t those disciples have a home to go to once in a while?   I’d like some time with you just for the two of us.”

“Now Jesus, I can’t just have you running all over the place like that.  One morning you’re up way before dawn, wandering who knows where in those mountains and what if a lion attacked?  And you said you were going off to pray, and the next thing I know you are halfway across the lake walking on the water leaving me and kids to take the subway….and it hasn’t even been invented yet!”

I used to go to the all night store at 2:00 in the morning once in a while.  It was quiet there, and the lines were short, and I did not have to explain it to anyone.  Sometimes I ate breakfast food at supper and would change lunch plans at the drop of a hat…because I could.  I didn’t have to worry that my getting up to pray or turning on the lights to read was going to wake up anybody, because I was the only one there.  Being single means you can spend as much time alone with God in the Word and reflection as you want, without worrying that it is robbing time from your marriage partner.  Some of those silly things were part of what made being single okay.  And knowing I wasn’t really alone, made the loneliness more bearable when it hit. 

If you are alone these days, don’t let the loneliness be the only things you experience in this time.  Relish the opportunities that come with the gift of being alone for a while.  Jesus seemed able to do that, you can, too.

To Make Someone Love You

I DID EVERYTHING I COULD…

Many people I have met who have gotten divorced, describe it as a failed marriage and struggle with the idea that they are the ones who failed.  I am the first to grant that it is a real possibility that far too many divorces occur because of individuals who don’t try hard enough to work things out.  Although, there is a caveat to that statement, because sometimes it is that only one partner is willing to do the work of making the changes needed for a good marriage, the other either doesn’t care or has decided the their spouse is the only one with problems. 

I also would grant that one spouse sincerely praying and seeking God can often be the instrument of God’s change in the other spouse that brings healing and hope to a marriage.  But I would ask you, the reader, to also grant that sometimes that other spouse simply has no interest in making the marriage work or making in changes in themselves, even to the point of walking out.  In such cases, for a marriage to be God honoring, that disinterested spouse has to have a heart change for anything of substance to begin. 

This whole scenario reminds me of the time Jesus was approaching Jerusalem, and in tears weeping when he saw it, stating that so often he had wanted to draw the residents to himself, but they had refused.  

If Jesus himself could not “make” somebody love him who didn’t want to, why do we think that we should have been able to do so with a spouse whose heart has left the marriage?  

God can soften hearts, but it seems he also allows us to refuse to listen, and some choose exactly that.  If you sincerely tried, and put forth the effort to attempt to save your marriage or to help it become what a marriage should be, but it still failed, perhaps you need to grant yourself some grace.  On the other hand, if you are considering divorce, and haven’t really tried to change, or tried to talk it out, or spent time in counseling with your pastor or counselor…then maybe you are walking too early.

I find that the individuals who best handle the tragedy of divorce are those who can look back and confidently state that they really tried:  they gave it years of effort, they pursued counseling, they accepted that it wasn’t going to be perfect, they prayed, and they gave time and opportunity for God to work.  If, after having done those things in such a way that the conscience is clear with God, then when the gavel falls, one can walk away knowing that they gave it their best shot.  And the truth is, our best shot is all we can do in a lot of areas in life, because none of us are perfect, the fallen world in which we live has infected us all.

Did you honestly try?  Were the reasons you separated substantial and not trivial matters?  Did you spend time looking in the mirror, and work on areas God showed you there?  Solid answers to those questions lead to a more peaceful heart post divorce.  At least, it has for me.

The Secret to Life

NEVER THE SAME

Now and again I visit with individuals whose lives are touched by divorce.  Whether due to the end of their own marriages or their children or parents, they find they are impacted by divorce in some surprising and unexpected ways.  

A recent conversation related to someone who had just experienced a family event - a reunion or Thanksgiving - the first after a divorce and the comment was that the event felt odd with the spouse missing, having always had them there in the past.  It just didn’t “feel right.”  

My response was something along the lines of, “That’s right, it isn’t the same.  And it never will be again.  Neither will Christmas or Thanksgiving or birthdays or Mother’s Day.  That chapter is now over, never to be as it once was again.” 

This is most especially true if there are children caught in the middle of the divorce.  As the teenage child opens the Christmas present, there is not the spouse at your side with whom you can recall that morning when they were young and the wonder as they opened their presents from Santa…the shared memory is gone.  Maybe your tradition was to celebrate two Thanksgivings, for instance, one with each set of grandparents.  But now, you are no longer welcome at one of those homes.  It can even be as simple as a recipe that you are never quite able to make as well as your ex did.  It could be that the woman is now handling car maintenance issues she never had to deal with before, or the man has to balance the checkbook that his wife so long managed for them.  I won’t keep illustrating, because if it is part of your life, you have plenty of illustrations yourself.

Over time, you adjust to the changes, and sometimes individuals are thrilled that the changes have come after hard years, but not without recognizing there is loss.  

The story doesn’t end here however.  

As I intimated above, after divorce a multitude of changes come that highlight the loss of someone’s involvement.  However, with the loss also comes a plethora of opportunities.  

Since things will never again be just as they once were, you have the opportunity to create what they are GOING to be, and since you are starting many things over in life on your own, you get to design them in fresh ways that are meaningful for you.  

I encourage you to not let the grief of the loss so dominate your thinking that you miss the chance to make something special of what is left.  You can choose which things to keep and what new ideas to add.  Instead of an artificial Christmas tree you might cut a real one.  Instead of grilling out for Father’s or Mother’s Day, you might use the day to try a new restaurant.  

You get the idea.

The big secret is, nothing was going to be the same anyway, really.  

Things are always changing. Life is elusive.  We only have each moment.  

The people of today may live elsewhere tomorrow.  The toddler will one day be an adult with children of his own.  

Life is always changing, and it is a foolish thing to spend our lives trying to recapture a past that is past, when the secret of life is learning how to embrace the today and tomorrow that are coming our way.  

Whether due to a divorce or simply the course of life, embrace change as an opportunity God offers we can use to explore a new adventure in life.

Healing for the Abused

REPULSIVE!

My wife recently got back from an international Christian conference in South Africa (which partly explains why the blogs have been sporadic of late!).   She has shared about the fellow believers she met from around the globe and the ministries she learned about through contact with them.  

Those ministries are something dear to my own heart, because I believe all too often that, at least our churches in the United States, become so consumed with our own little spheres that we fail to see the way God is moving or the needs that exist globally.  

God’s heart and work IS global.

My wife told me of divorce ministries she learned about that exist in Johannesburg and Australia, which reminded me that the struggles of divorce are also not merely an issue in North America, but are also global.  

Blogger gives me statistical data that confirms this statement.  On any given day I can look and see that where my readers are - and readers of this blog encircle the globe.  

In the world of divorce, none of us is really truly alone in our struggle…there are brothers and sisters wherever we are who share the same concerns.

One of the South African ministries my wife told me about breaks my heart, especially as a man.  It seems that in a certain area, women who come to report having been physically assaulted and abused by the men in their lives are able to make their police report, but then were left without any safe place to go afterwards.  

A woman of vision established a home to shelter these women and help them heal and to get on their feet.  Much like our battered women shelters in the United States  - these shelters give women the opportunity to heal and recover.

Unfortunately, this woman was called of God to serve in a different ministry for a few years, and then when it was complete, returned to find that the shelter had been stripped of all of its contents and even some of the structure damaged, because the person in charge had been terribly neglectful in their oversight.

What troubles me is that there is even a need for such a place in our world.  Men who choose to take their anger out physically on women are such a blight in our world, and such a garbage example of what masculinity is all about, that it sickens me every time I hear about it.  The abuse of men by their partners is also as sickening as well.  

Unfortunately, I have heard about it too many times in my life.  I wish I could say that these things only happen due to drunken and out of control men whose lives are such a mess but he truth is that even within churches this kind of behavior exists.   

It is not unknown that individuals who practice some of this kind of horrific behavior toward women and young girls served, currently serve or have been considered to serve in church leadership, both lay and pastoral.  I have no opposition to preventing leadership opportunities for these individuals and have done so in the past.   

 A number of years ago, I have been told there was a survey done by a woman’s magazine, seeking to learn what the primary concerns were for women around the world.  They expected to hear about lack of opportunity, concerns for the future of their children or things along that lines.  Instead, they discovered that a huge concern of women around the globe relates to the fear of abuse by the men in their lives.  

Actually, I should probably say the “males” in their lives, because I don’t believe that males who act that way are any way indicative of true manhood.   

I am sorry, women, that there are those of my gender who think they have the right to treat you that way.  And I am pleased when I hear of laws and efforts to help turn that tide.  And I am pleased at places like that shelter in South Africa - that seeks to be an effective refuge for women who have suffered this abuse.   

Frankly, this is one of the reasons I believe that, as long as the world is as sinful as it is, God knows there must be a place for divorce.  

I have known women crippled for life as they chose to stay in marriages and suffer time and again.  We hear news reports of women killed by their abusers.

I think God knew what he was doing when he made provision for divorce in the Bible, and though it isn’t spelled out precisely, I think God’s heart and compassion are with those who suffer in such marriages and desperately need to find a way out.  

Somehow, I am always reminded of the way Jesus responded to the woman taken in adultery.  A group of angry and self-righteous men were standing ready to bludgeon her to death with stones, and Jesus forced them to take a long hard look at themselves first.  (Point of thought - if she was caught in the act, why there wasn’t a man down there to be stoned along with her…?)

Ladies, pray for the men in your lives and in our world.  They need God.  They need the transforming power of God to swallow their pride, admit their wrongdoing and truly repent of their eggregious behavior.  Pray for our sisters who suffer and are so often trapped in such horrible and abusive circumstances.  

I will be praying, too, and do what I can to make a difference as opportunity arises.

How Did I End Up In This Wilderness?

DESOLATE TIMES

Recently I have been reflecting on the concept of wilderness times in our lives, those times when life seems so empty, so desolate, so hopeless.  Sometimes those come because of external circumstances, but sometimes because of our emotional state or internal struggles.  

During those times, often individuals long for God to speak to them, to encourage them, to answer their prayers, and instead feel like they hear nothing from him.  

The aftermath of divorce would certainly qualify as a wilderness or desert experience for many of us, and I will come back to that in a bit.

Often when biblical teachers refer to the wilderness, they like to talk about all the things Moses learned there, or how God taught the Israelites out in the wilderness.  Mention is made of Elijah after his victory at Mt. Carmel, heading out to the wilderness where he heard that “still, small voice,” or the people who flocked out to hear John the Baptist.  The Qumran community of the Dead Sea scrolls deliberately chose the wilderness as their home, and Paul says that he went out into the desert for three years to learn from God.  

Thus there is a significant biblical example of wilderness learning.  However…

I have heard it said that there are some things one can only learn in the wilderness experiences of life.  Perhaps.  Certainly, the Israelites would not have learned what Manna was had they not wandered all those years and been forced to rely on God’s provision to help them.  

But is that the same as saying they could not have learned how to lean on God’s provision if they had NOT gone into the wilderness?  

I think sometimes such things are overstated.

Let’s review a few thoughts.  

First, Moses wasn’t SENT by God out into the wilderness to learn from him, he fled there as a fugitive after he decided to take things into his own hands by committing murder.  Once out there, God did at some point appear to Moses, but could not God have revealed himself to Moses back in Egypt had Moses not done what he did?  

By the same token, Elijah had been living in obedience to God and been used of God in a mighty way at Mt. Carmel, but God didn’t send him into the wilderness, either.  Elijah fled there because he was scared, afraid that God wouldn’t be able to protect him from the evil queen, and when God confronts Elijah out there, the first thing God asks him is what he is doing there, as if to suggest he is in the wrong place!   

There is also the image of King David, out in the wilderness through no choice of his own, but because of the stubborn disobedience of King Saul who kept David away from his rightful place.  Paul went out to learn from  God in the wilderness for three years because he had spent his life resisting what Jesus was trying to do for him, and realized he needed corrective training.

Jesus is the only one I recall who was specifically led by the Spirit of God to GO into the wilderness….but the purpose was to be tempted by Satan, to do battle with the great adversary of God.  

That is what later monks sought to do who went out into the desert, to do battle with Satan through prayer and intercession.  In fact, the image of the wilderness in the Bible tends to be a God forsaken place, where evil spirits dwell and into which the scape goat is driven carrying the sins of Israel.  

But I am not noticing scriptures where God tells people they have to go into the wilderness IN ORDER TO learn lessons from God.  No doubt they did learn, but it seems very often those people in the wilderness learning lessons were having to learn them there because they were not listening or obedient WHERE THEY WERE.  

It is certainly true that the distractions of this world can make it difficult to hear God, and in the desert places those distractions are removed, giving one clarity to hear God.  

Or maybe it is more like learning lessons the easy way or the hard way.  We can take the word of the carpenter who tells us that if we hold the hammer and nail a certain way we will hit our thumbs, or we can choose to do it our way and let our aching thumbs teach us.  

The point is, are you learning the lessons of life God would want to teach you, or has your ear grown deaf and your heart hard so that the only way you will hear is if you are FORCED to do so?

Some people in the wilderness after divorce learn that things were better than they realized and they have made a great mistake.  

Some of those people are able to return and restore their marriage, but not all.  

Some learn that they should have paid attention years before in their marriage, worked harder at changing themselves and less hard at changing their spouses.  

Some, to be sure, are like King David, forced out into a wilderness not of their own choosing, having to learn hard lessons as they wander far from home.  

And just like Jesus, any recently divorced person knows that temptations abound in a time of desolation, temptations that will sorely test your commitment and faith.

Whether in a wilderness state of life or not, I want to invite you to consider the lessons God might be seeking to teach you, and the response you are giving.  

If you are in a good state, stay malleable so that God can shape you where you are.  

If you are in a time of desolation, ignore the screaming heat of the sun beating down and instead turn your attention to the voice and Word of God, so that you won’t have to spend 40 years out there as that rebellious generation of Israelites did so long ago.  

God has a Promised Land for each of us.  Ultimately, it is the heaven to which we are invited if we accept his offer of forgiveness.  But even on earth, there is a future hope that God has for your life, something he desires to shape into your being and into your experience.  And one way or another, he will make sure you have the opportunities to learn what it is.  

Personally, I prefer trying to learn it before I end up in the wilderness places!

Inside Out

CORE MEMORIES

My wife really likes going to the movies, and I enjoy it, too, so that is often where we go when we get an evening out.  She usually selects, because I am very forgetful when it comes to movies, and have been known to unknowingly purchase tickets or rent DVD’s of movies I have already seen at least once or twice.  It just works best if she makes the choice.

We recently went to see that animation movie that is out called, “Inside Out.”  I had heard ahead of time that it was considered a pretty good movie, and that women especially like it.  It’s all about feelings.  Which is probably why it is from the perspective of a young girl.  Personally, I kind of related to one scene in particular where the dad is suddenly aware that his wife is talking to him and all of his feeling characters are totally oblivious…until he realizes he has to come up with something to say.  After all, he’s a guy, I’m a guy, and at least I spell feelings right!

Watching the movie (and hopefully without giving away too much if you haven’t seen it yet), the story is about the internal workings of emotions and memories, and their impact on personality formation.  Fortunately, it is presented in a much more interesting way than that last sentence would imply!

In the twists and turns of the girl’s life, as she faces dramatic changes, some of what are called her “core memories”..those especially formative and impactful experiences in life…get shifted with a stirring of emotion.  As a result, some that were once joyful memories get overlaid with a coating of sadness that transforms them.  At the same time, new memories get formed that vie for the position of a core memory in her life, some of which are not so happy.  The shift is apparent in the personality and relationships of the young girl.

Guess what?  As I watched it, it made me think very much about divorce.  So many memories that an individual has gets overcoated through divorce.  Memories that once were full of joy get shifted to bittersweet or even sorrowful memories.  The core essence of the values and experiences that have shaped your life are challenged, shaken and sometimes exchanged into something new, and that can be a very painful process.  

It is amazing how many internal things are affected by divorce.  Some people who were once bubbly and happy become melancholy and timid.  Some who were the most trusting and caring individuals develop a protective coating that keeps them from getting too close to anyone again.  In the movie, the parents share memories of the first days with their infant.  As a divorced person, I realize those memories are no longer shared with my spouse, and the person who did share them with me is no longer part of my life and memories around her are not the joyful things they once were.  If I am not able to remember those special moments myself, then they are gone from me, unless triggered by something unexpected.  

People are often aware of the external impacts of divorce:  moves to a different home, financial stresses, often strong hostility and family life that is fractured.  But the more subtle inner shifts are sometimes the most difficult to deal with, because they can be much harder to identify.  Nevertheless, even the most painful of experiences can be used by God to shape you for the next chapter of life’s journey.  Sometimes, it just takes a little patience to get there.