Friends, Anyone?

 WHATEVER HAPPENED TO FRIENDS?

I tell you what….dealing with the long term post-flood recovery and impact while juggling all the normal activities has just kept the schedule crazy!  Hence it’s been too long since the last blog…my apologies.  On the other hand, as of today another local resident’s home is now winterized with fresh repairs by a visiting ABMen flood relief team. 

Nevertheless, on to the blog….

Recently I had an email conversation with a friend who is dealing with a lot of different kinds of life changes, some of which are amazingly difficult…and is making those changes with patience, courage and perseverance.  In the course of the conversation, we discussed how sometimes in life we find friends who seem to really care about us, but then something will come along that makes plain that their commitment to the friendship isn’t at all what it appeared to be, but was very superficial at best.  In those moments, we are able to distinguish between people who appear to be our friends, and those who truly are the kind of loyal friends who will stand with you throughout all of life’s vicissitudes.  

Often, in a divorce, the couple and their friends go through some very difficult times of sorting.  Sometimes the friends will choose one partner or the other to keep as a friend.  Sometimes they will find ways to make space for each partner.  Sometimes they will avoid the whole issue and just walk away from the friendship.  But sometimes it goes the other way.  Sometimes it is the person going through divorce who abandons friends as they walk away from both spouse and other relationships.  And yet…friends are so important, critical supports we need in these times of extreme stress.  

I read in and old edition of Guideposts the other day the following story of Norman Vincent Peale’s, and thought it worth sharing. The story begins as he tells about a time when, as a young man, he met Henry Ford by chance, and asked him for advice about success in life.  Ford’s answer is:

“Who’s your best friend?  I’ll tell you who it is:  It’s the person who brings out the best in you.  Always associate with the best people—that is where you will find such a person.”

In the Guidepost article, Peale reflects on the encounter and says,

“And there is an opposite side to Henry Ford’s question, too.  It’s ‘Whose best friend are you?’  Try asking yourself that question from time to time.  Then when you answer it, make sure that you deserve that title by bringing out the best in that person every day, in every way.”

The old saying is, “the best way to find a friend is to be a friend.”  I like both Ford and Peale’s advice.  And for those who find themselves in a time of life in which life events are resulting in shifting friendships, I would add a few comments of my own.

First, be very careful about discarding friends. Sometimes it may appear that someone doesn’t care, when in fact they don’t know exactly what to say or do, or they may be otherwise preoccupied and not realize they are letting you down. Good friends in life are rare and precious treasures, do not discard friendships lightly.  

Secondly, when you find those friends who are the kind of friends Ford is talking about, friends who are loyal and supportive, friends whose influence makes you rise to the best of who you are, and friends who walk with you through even the darkest of days, when you find friends like that, treat them like the treasures they are and never let them go.  Friends like that only come our way now and then in life, and as a result, are worth hanging onto.  And the best way to hang on to those friends, is to be that kind of friend for them when theyare dealing with the rough times in their lives.

Thirdly, never forget, no matter what happens with the other friends in your life, Jesus calls his followers his friends, too, and his promise is to never fail us or forsake us!  He’s the best friend you will ever know…he knows you better than anyone else, he cares for you more than anyone else ever has, and his help, advice and counsel are perfect.  When you feel like your other friends have let you down or abandoned you, know that your best friend, Christ Jesus, never will.

Is this true?

THE DECLINE OF THE DIVORCE RATE?

I ran across an article on Yahoo the other day that indicates the divorce rate in the U.S. has gone down some 18% from 2008 to 2016, and that “the trend has been driven by younger women, despite divorce rates among older women higher than in the past.”   It goes on to say that the marriage rate has fallen as well. 

Click on picture to access full article 

The Maryland professor who apparently did the study, suggests that marriage is becoming more selective and stable.  The article then quotes a psychologist who is pleased about the trend, since divorce is so painful and difficult, and speculates that the two people still likely to be getting married are those who deeply hold traditional values and those who have taken a lot more time to choose their mate.  

There are some interesting ideas underlying all of this.  For instance, one of the things that is also a trend that living together, which used to be the exception and relatively rare, is now described as “the norm.”  It also implies that, all along, those who hold strongly to the traditional values of marriage, and those who have taken time to think through their selection before getting married, have been the ones who were most likely to avoid divorce. 

Another unspoken issue is that now, as couples choose to live together rather than marry, when they split up (as they often do), their split is not counted in the divorce rate as it used to be when they got married instead.  Somehow, I think if one were to include those breakups, we would find that the rate of split is the same or even higher, since there is already a higher divorce rate among those who live together first than those who do not. (That topic will be addressed in a future blog.)

It also seems to me that the counselor who sees all of this as a good thing, (since divorce is an awful experience), has missed realizing that when a couple living together breaks up, that is ALSO a traumatic event…and perhaps even worse than divorce!  

Among those who work with teenagers, it has long been considered that the breakup of a long-term dating relationship is as traumatic for them as a divorce is for an adult.  If that is the case after merely dating, how would it not also be the case after a couple living together split?  In fact, I would suspect that it might be even worse in many ways….which I may also address in the future blog.

So while I agree that a falling divorce race is a good thing, especially if it means that people have developed such a high attitude toward marriage that they take time to think it through thoroughly before committing. But if that falling rate is attributable to the fact that the marriage rate is also declining, with people choosing to be refuse to really commit, and choosing to ignore the emotional and moral issues involved in choosing to opt out of making the choice of a marriage, I am not particularly impressed.  In other words, I think there is much more going on than meets the eye, and the pain and brokenness that comes with the dissolution of deep and meaningful relationship remains significant, whether the couple dared to take the risk of committing in marriage or to stop short of that.  Broken relationships hurt, and I suspect there are still a lot more of them than this study is suggesting.

New Normal

EMPTY SPACES IN LIFE

There is in the book of Matthew 12 this really odd story that Jesus tells about what happens when he casts an evil spirit out of someone.  He says that when the evil spirit leaves the person, it wanders aimlessly until it decides to go back to the person where it finds things empty and open, so it moves back in with others and takes over. I think there is an important lesson in it, that has nothing to do with the evil spirit side of it.  In some ways, it is kind of like the old saying that “nature abhors a vacuum.”  

For many people in change points of life, there are these “empty spaces” that are the most painful or most lonely.  Weekends are one of those places.  If you are post-divorce, or recently widowed, or maybe relocated alone for example, the weekend may come around and you see all these people with their plans for Friday night or a Saturday outing, and you realize that you have no one to go with.  It can intensify the feeling of being alone.  

The same can be true of special places.  Like that favorite restaurant that you have eaten at for years, or the vacation spot you enjoy.  When you go through these times of change, those places can start to feel very awkward.  Places you once loved now make you feel out of synch.  Activities that you once loved just don’t feel the same.  

It can even be the case in your living space.  You can walk into an empty house and the walls just seem to echo with emptiness.  If divorced and the children happen to be at your ex’s, then the silence in the house can be deafening.  Or you can walk into the kitchen where the dishes are waiting and be reminded that you are the only one there to deal with them…because you are on your own.  For someone who has lived in shared space previously, these things can be hard.

Whether it is about the space, the experience or the activity, sometimes everything just feels out of kilter.  What do you do?  This is where I think the words of Jesus can be helpful.  To leave the “empty spaces” of our lives empty, will not be a useful place to be…it can just create problems.  Instead, we need to learn how to fill the empty spaces of our lives with something meaningful.  Let me explain.

When we come into an empty home, if the home is just as “it used to be” when YOU are not, or when the people in the home are no longer there, then perhaps it is time to make the home “NOT like it used to be.”  If that favorite restaurant now feels awkward because of past associations, then perhaps it is time to find a new restaurant you can claim as your own new discovery.  

Or when you have those long empty times such as weekends, maybe it is time to make a new activity the focus of that time.  Whereas you used to go to a movie on Saturday night, instead choosing to go help at the homeless shelter on Saturday nights instead.  It is as if you are reclaiming a piece of yourself as you stake out new uses for the empty spaces of your life, uses that are uniquely your own.

This kind of principle is found in Ephesians 4 in relation to a changed lifestyle.  Paul writes that we are to no longer tell falsehoods, but INSTEAD, we are to speak the truth in love.  Those who have been know to steal, INSTEAD need to work hard and develop the habit of giving!   No longer speak evil and disparaging words, but only words that impart grace and encouragement to others. 

It is the idea of intentionally choose NOT to live with a vacuum, but instead, to operate on the theory of replacement.  Or, as a friend of mine who happens to be visiting today said, you create a “new normal” for yourself.  So if you have places in your life that just feel like empty spaces, whether due to being an empty nester, newly widowed, recently divorced, relocated or for any number of reasons, I encourage you to consider ways to not leave those spaces empty, but see them as opportunities to express yourself in new ways and allow God to use you in new ministries you never knew you could do! Sure beats having an evil spirit and his buddies come back to attack, huh?  😊

Living in the Present

 SEASONS…of Divorce and more

Not long ago I was rejoicing at seeing the flowers blooming and birds returning that signals the start of springtime.  It won’t be long now, till we officially reach summer with the hot days and muggy nights.  And for those who are really big fans of summer, vacations and camping and boating and skiing and swimming and mosquitoes and sunburns….sorry, just can’t help myself I guess.  It sounds like I don’t like summer, but that isn’t true.  I actually enjoy all the seasons.  My sister lives in the Pacific Northwest, and she claims her summer is about a week long.  She also claims that she has missed the turning of the seasons over the years as she lived in southern California and now the Pacific Northwest.

As for me, I find each season has good things and not so good things, and it is up to us to decide which we want to focus our attention upon.  My book titles, the whole Seasons of Divorce concept…is a simple recognition of the changes that come as one phase of the process passes and individuals move on into the next.  The Finding God part of the title is that, as in life, God is always present for those who will look and seek him, but can easily be missed if we focus on the wrong things.

People have used the images of seasons to talk about life in general, with the springtime of youth and the autumn of later years.  I wonder, in what ways are you experiencing some kind of “seasonal changes” in your life?  It could be related to a relocation, to a job change, to the physical changes that come with aging, to the change in relationships as children mature, or in the area of personal growth and spiritual maturity.

How do you do at handling those changes?  Life is full of them.  In fact, it’s like the old saying:  The only thing that never changes is that everything is always changing!  Life is like that.  The moments and experiences you have today are here for a season, only.  Enjoy them now.  Treasure them now.  Find the good in them now.  Find how God is using them now.  Too often we long to be able to have once again one of the special time of our lives, to relive some special experiences.  But we cannot.  They were here for a season, and in this new season there is also always something special for those who seek it. 

The principle is true in the aftermath of divorce.  After my divorce, I had a season in which I enjoyed the advantages of being single and free to use my time and resources as I chose.  After that, I moved to the season of a second marriage, and have enjoyed all the wonderful experiences that have come with it.  But you don’t have to go through divorce to know that the seasonality of life is always fleeting.  I spent time with some good friends today, reminiscing about some special experiences we shared in our spiritual journeys.  Those experiences, too, were for a season, though the impact is forever.

I simply want to challenge you to not spend so much time longing for the past, or hoping for the future, that you miss the joy God has for you in the present!  And I want to remind you that so much of our lives is seasonal, fleeting and temporary.  I encourage you to make sure that you are investing in those things that are eternal, and not merely the things that will fall away as time passes and as your life draws to a new season, or to its conclusion.  There are lots of opportunities to Find God throughout whatever season your life is in right now.  Don’t miss them!

When it's Time to Choose a New Church

TIME TO CHURCH SHOP?

One day you wake up, find yourself in the situation of facing a divorce.  

Perhaps it is because of bad behaviors on the part of your spouse.  Perhaps it is because of your own bad choices.  Perhaps you had no say in the matter.  Perhaps it is your only hope for survival.  

In that wakeful moment, perhaps you recall a sermon in which your pastor made plain that he believes divorce has no place in the church, and therefore will not permit a divorced person in any leadership position in his church.  

Perhaps you recall that you spouse has more respect in the church than you do, and you are not sure what your place would be on your own.  

Perhaps you simply feel the embarrassment, the awkwardness of walking into the sanctuary you have attended for years alone, sitting in your usual seat alone, or worse yet, walking into the sanctuary and NOT sitting with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse who is seated across the room!  

Suddenly you wonder whether it is time to make a change. 

How do you know if it is time to consider changing churches?  And what do you seek when you go searching?  The first suggestion I would offer is this:  don’t get in a hurry to move churches.  

Why?  

Because if you do decide to move to another church, you want to do so as a well-reasoned decision under the guidance of God, not because of a knee-jerk emotional reaction to a difficult situation.  And because while there may be individuals in your church who may be difficult to be around, it is also likely that you have some significant friendships within the church, and those friendships may give you the strength you will need during the upheavals and loneliness of divorce.  And because the only legitimate reason to change the church you are attending is out of the certainty that God is leading you to do so, and a decision of that magnitude requires time devoted to prayer and biblical reflection.  Presumably you sought God’s leading when you joined the church you attend, so it is God’s leading you must seek to know that it is now time to go elsewhere.  Without that, you risk stepping outside of God’s plan for your life, and that is never a good path to take. 

I have seen divorced couples remain in the church they attended when they were married.  I have seen divorced couples both leave to find another church, or even to quit attending at all because of the loss and betrayal they have experienced.  I have seen instances where one partner remains in the church, and the other goes elsewhere.  I have even seen instances where individuals left the church because they were asked to by church leadership who didn’t welcome divorced people into their church. 

It truly is a time of significant upheaval.  It is a time that Satan will use to push individuals away from their faith and their churches.  It is a time when you will be severely tested, and in which it is easy to lose your way, or to make decisions from intense emotions that aren’t always the wisest choices.   

May I offer some suggestions?

1)      As I said above, don’t get in a hurry to leave.  You may want to take a short leave of absence, you may want to change your routine by attending the other service your church has, you may want to sit in a different spot, and you may even want to visit another church or two.  But don’t rashly sever the ties and endanger the support network you have built up over time.  Get through the emotional rollercoaster first, then make your choice.

2)    If you are in a situation where you are clearly not wanted and made to feel unwelcome, then it is reasonable to consider that God’s way of nudging you to somewhere else.  But even then, if you don’t rush that decision, your presence may be the means God uses to help your church friends learn that there is grace beyond divorce and that your church needs to find a way to learn the road of grace in this area.

3)    Journal some of your experiences to help you focus.  Write down those scriptures through which God seems to be speaking.  Record the encounters that cause you to think it is time to leave, or the reasons you believe it is best to stay.  Keep track of the ways God is speaking to you in this area, so that in a more stable time you will be able to assess wisely the lessons you are learning.

4)    Don’t leave your church to avoid facing the pain you have to work through.  Let the hard experiences teach you, and learn the lessons from them that can become your path of healing.

5)    Evaluate your church involvement…whether your current church or the next church you may choose, based on whether God is calling you to exercise your ministry gifts where you are, or in a new Christian body.  Don’t make your decision rest solely on how YOU will benefit in a church, but how YOU can benefit OTHERS.

6)    Don’t shift churches to find a church whose theology more easily fits your experience.  At least, not right off.  Consider that your theology sometimes needs to be challenged and stretched by being around those whose views do not feel so comfortable.  Sometimes the combination of difficult experiences and uncomfortable theology can be used by God to teach us something fresh and lead us to a new level of understanding.  Fleeing those difficult times short circuits the growth opportunity.

Let me say one final word.  Over the years, I have had individuals come to churches I have pastored after having been battered and bruised through the trauma of divorce.  

I have always been proud of my churches when they stepped up to the opportunity and wrapped their arms around these struggling individuals and imparted God’s love and grace.  As a result, I have seen some of these people become some of the best church members I have ever had, because they have been through the fire, then come out on the other side knowing that God had carried them.  Perhaps that will be you, if you are in the midst of this kind of turning point in your life as well.