AMBUSHED!!!
Or
at the least, Blindsided!
Many people who are divorced will
see this words, and remember the day they were served with divorce papers
unexpectedly. Or ways they felt ambushed
by their ex during the process of divorce with one filing or court order after
another. And the words can certainly
apply to those experiences.
However, I
am thinking of a different kind of experience that occurs in the days post
divorce, the kinds of experience that catch you off guard, and yet bring
healing and forward motion in spite of how they feel. Let me illustrate.
There are some times when the
ambush or blindside IS directly related to actions by an ex spouse. Times like when you attend parent/teacher
conferences at the school, and discover that the teacher didn't prepare a
second copy of a report and your ex took the only one without mentioning that
another parent would be along.
Or you
can find yourself in an awkward situation when you are in a discussion…maybe
making plans with the kids, or interacting with a friend…and then a comment is
made that completely undermines your expected result. Such as giving a child a Christmas present,
only to find that your ex already gave them one. Or talking about plans for a birthday party,
only to find that the child has been promised they could go visit grandma on
their birthday instead. Or when you
visit with a friend about an experience you had, only to find that the waters
have been poisoned with the spin your ex put on the story previously.
Episodes like the above are all
events that directly result from actions and decisions by your ex. These, of course, can be difficult, and
foster anger, resentment and frustration.
If done intentionally, or even with flagrant disregard for your rights
or feelings, they can bring a lot of pain, and stir up a lot of history. These kinds of things happen almost
inevitably in one fashion or another.
They become the opportunities to understand on a deeper level Jesus’
command for us to forgive “70 x 7.” Much
as we don’t like them, they do build character and cause you to decide whether
you are going to be a forgiving person or a bitter person who harbors
grudges! I wanted to acknowledge these
“ambushes,” but they are not the ones I want to focus upon.
There is an another context in
which one is “ambushed” or “blind-sided” after a divorce. The ambush is not one brought about by your ex, but one the stirs from your own
emotions and memories. There are moments
that suddenly cause your heart to stop, perhaps in dread, perhaps with painful
memories, perhaps with a sense of loss or even a sense of guilt.
Have you ever had a song come on
the radio, and then unexpectedly found yourself back in a time in life long
since past, perhaps a difficult time of marriage or an ancient argument? I remember once opening a box and discovering
a long lost item I had looked for but been unable to find. It stirred up feelings of anger as I
remembered packing up all my things during the divorce. Another time, an individual may run across a
child’s toy, and find their eye stained with tears as they recall a happier
time, now shattered by divorce. It
happens in all sorts of contexts, whether in hanging Christmas decorations,
stumbling across an old Valentine, driving pasts an old favorite restaurant,
opening an album of photos, seeing an old rerun on television…the list is
endless. But the items on the list all
have one thing in common: they open you
up to unfinished business.
These episodes remind us of things
from our past, and either help us to realize how far we have come, or reveal to
us that we have yet to forgive and yet to move on. They can become treasures of memories from
that time causing us to celebrate the good, or plagues that force us to face
that there are ways we are still living in our past and carrying harbors of
anger or resentment. The question, of
course, is, “What do you do when an ambush forces you to see things about
yourself you would rather not see?” Some
people build on the reserve of anger, blaming the ex for all that has been
done. And the truth is, sometimes the ex
does deserve the blame for problems
he/she created. But how your respond to
those things emotionally is NOT about your ex….it is about you.
With each of these events, we have
the opportunity to lay to rest a troubled area we may not have realized was
still there, or to affirm the good that existed we may have forgotten as we
wrestle with the pain and loss of divorce.
And making those choices wisely moves us toward healing and wholeness.
When one is divorced, it is
tempting to think that life would have been so much different if only…
...If only I hadn't married that person,
........if only
we had gone to counseling earlier,
.............. if only I had been a better spouse,
......................if only
he/she hadn't divorced me,
................................................if only whatever…then life would not be as hard or I wouldn't have the pain or any number of other imaginings.
While there may be some truth to those
conclusions, the truth also is that even
if you never divorced, there would be memories that are difficult, disappointments
that had come, heartaches you would have experienced and hopes that would have
been dashed. Life is just that way. Not everything goes the way we think it
should, and brokenness is rampant in this world. Yet God is at work in it all, shaping us,
teaching us, healing us, making us to be more compassionate beings, to be more
like Christ. You may have been blind
sided, but God was not. In fact, God may
well orchestrate these little events for the very purpose of setting us free
from the things that have held our hearts and minds hostage. Think about that, next time you find yourself
“ambushed” by life!
P.S. Hey, I’m in the final stages of editing
another book that I hope to publish soon.
I’m not sure the method I will use, and would appreciate prayers for the
project. It is a life based fiction…I’ll
keep you posted.
TL:dr The unexpected events that prick our memories
are opportunities God can use to prick our growth as well.
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