Struggling with Injustice in Your Life?

IT JUST ISN’T FAIR!

One of my readers raised a question with me, that I suspect many of us have struggled with in one form or another.  While experiencing a long drawn out divorce, with a lot of dirty tricks by the opposing side, my reader observed another whose divorce was quick and clean.  In anguish, the reader wrestled with why their own divorce was such a mess and God didn’t provide the kind of deliverance the other person had experienced.  I would suggest that if you have an easy answer for that question, you are probably wrong.  Life is much messier than our easy answers would imply.  I would like, however, to offer some thoughts.

Whenever someone goes to court, the center of justice in our society, one is hopeful, maybe even expectant, that the decisions that will be rendered will be fair and just.  However, even when I taught my philosophy class, the college students were fully aware that our court system often falls short of the ideal called “justice.”  Even the best of intentions can become warped with the process.  John Grisham has illustrated some of the extremes of injustices in many of his novels about lawyers and their interactions at court.  Sadly, individuals caught in the process of divorce can experience the same kinds of frustrations and disappointments with the court and with their attorneys, some of whom may not always be serving the best interest of their client or mindful of their client’s financial resources.  This is but one of the illustrations of how imperfect the world we live in is; even the best of institutions fall short of true justice at times, because they, too, are staffed by imperfect human beings.

A second consideration might be how the process is approached.  Imagine a ball game in which one team meticulously observes every rule while the other pushes every limit by cheating whenever possible and doing whatever it takes to win (as long as they don’t get caught).  “Deflategate” and steroids are two words that come to mind!  Much as we like to believe that “cheaters never win”, often those who are willing to bend the rules and play dirty come away ahead in the game.  I think back to the Enron scandal, where the man at the top walked away with millions in dirty money, while the good, hardworking individuals in the ranks found their pensions robbed by those they trusted.  Sometimes divorce in court is a mess because one of the individuals and/or their attorney are willing to make it a mess.  Some do so to deprive an ex of money they deserve, some do it to inflict pain, some do these things because they are caught up in anger and hurt…there could be lots of reasons.  The point is, though, that sometimes divorce is messy because one individual chooses to make it that way.  In these cases, I personally find comfort in remembering that although it may appear they are getting away with it all now, when the ultimate justice is dispensed by God, those individuals will have an awful lot to answer for and God’s justice does not play games.

While the things above are true, they don’t help much when you are the one caught in the struggle of the injustice.  It is a hard thing to feel trapped, cheated, and struggling while others are able to move on in life with few entanglements holding them back.  Knowing that courts aren’t perfect, or that an ex is manipulating things does not make it easier to endure.  And, if you are a person of faith, sometimes it is a hard thing to understand why God has left you in such a difficult situation when others have been delivered.  I would like to offer a few feeble thoughts on this dilemma.

Let’s first acknowledge that even being in divorce means we are in a realm already far short of God’s ideal.  Marriage for a lifetime was the plan in the Garden, and only because of our fallen state in sinfulness did God make provision for divorce in the laws of Moses.  Second, I would remind us that none of us are immune to the adversities of life.  A quick review of the life of Paul—one of God’s greatest servants—would remind us that following Christ does not also guarantee an easy life here.  The guarantee is a meaningful life here with God always at your side, and a glorious eternal life in his presence forever.  Jesus pointed out that the rain falls on the just and unjust, and illustrates such “randomness” by mentioning a tower in Siloam that fell on whomever happened to be there. (see Matthew 5 and Luke 13)

I shared with my reader the interaction of Jesus with Peter at the end of John 21, in which Jesus described to Peter the manner in which his life would end.  In response, Peter asked about John, and Jesus replied with a statement that basically means, “that has nothing to do with you…you focus on your own relationship with me and leave my relationship with John to me and John.”  While it may be harsh to hear when we are struggling, it is true that how God works things out for somebody else is between them and God.  God’s reasons are not always obvious and clear, and I have learned that while I think I might like what somebody else experiences, I don’t always know the full story and there are sometimes other factors I would NOT want to experience.  God tailors each of our lives experiences according to a personally designed plan for each of us.  At the same time, Satan does the same when he tries to undermine our faith and bring us down…he knows which attacks are useless and which will have effect.  

The assurances we have from God in times such as these are clear:  God will go through the fire with us, and never leave us alone (even though we can feel very alone at times).  God’s plans for us are for our ultimate good, even if they don’t feel so good at the time.  Following God through those tough times instead of going our own way will always produce the best results.  God will forgive when we stumble and fall or make mistakes along the way.  God is sufficient, his help can get us through, he does notice each thing we suffer and struggle with, and his answers are the best in light of eternity and his ultimate plans.  

Those truths are hard to cling to when the winds of adversity batter hard at us, but they are also the only eternal truths to which we can cling with any assurance.  And I have always enjoyed the story about the man whose favorite words from the Bible were, “it came to pass,” because he rejoiced that the troubles never came to stay!    

Divorce is an awful enough tragedy on its own.  When the process adds additional troubles, or a cantankerous ex decides to inflict misery, it can become a devastating experience.  But even then, it only comes to pass!  And God promises to walk with you day by day, whether you can sense his presence or not.  Eventually, the day comes when the gavel falls, the children are grown and you begin to see the future God still is planning for your life.  That, by the way, is the explanation of the covers of my books, for the first volume is gray, cold and desolate, addressing those awful days of divorce.  The second volume is green and verdant, and addresses the new life that begins to spring on the other side of the court experience.   If you are in the throes of the struggle, I encourage you to hang on, because when you make it to the other side, you will find there yet remains hope.

Avoiding a Lifetime of Bitterness

DEVELOP THE RIGHT ROOTS

“Whatever happens, don’t let yourself become bitter.”  Those were the words I heard from an old friend I hadn’t seen in years who unexpectedly showed up on my doorstep during the dark days of my divorce.  I don’t know how he heard, I don’t know how he found out where I was living, and I don’t know what he was doing in town, but somehow he had decided it was a priority to come share that warning with me.  He then explained why by telling his own story when, having ended up divorced after a long term marriage, he had allowed himself to become bitter and found it was a hard journey back.  But anyone going through a hard divorce knows, the temptations to follow the paths of unforgiveness, hatred and bitterness are very, very strong.  Divorce is, after all, a very “bitter” pill to swallow!

Have you ever been around a bitter person?  You can see the bitterness in their facial expressions.  You can hear it in their voice.  Genuine smiles are rare occurrances on their faces.  Their lives are wrapped up in complaints and grumbling.  They are convinced nobody has ever had it as bad as they do.  And frankly, they are just NO FUN to be around.  Which, of course, means most people avoid them, resulting in their being even more bitter!  It is an ugly and vicious cycle.

Even worse is the impact bitterness can have on other people.  I have always liked the verse found in Hebrews 12:15—

See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled;   (New American Standard Bible)

Have you ever seen that happen?  Families filled with negativity or torn apart by bitterness.  Individuals who make the work environment miserable and almost unbearable, resulting in continual employee turnover.  Churches where attendees feel anything but welcome.  Bitterness is an evil infection that festers and throbs and produces nothing good in anyone.

The antidote, of course, is to nurture the opposite traits.  Things like forgiveness, kindness, generosity, helping others, investing in the future instead of rehashing the past.  

Forgiveness isn’t the one time choice that suddenly makes everything all hunky-dory.  It is a discipline that requires continual practice and reaffirmation, until the day comes when the pain subsides and the danger of bitterness has passed.  The imagery of a root is a good one to consider, especially if you are person who has tried to remove a stubborn plant or tree whose roots have dug deep.  You have to intentionally dig, struggle, destroy and attack such a root if you are going to win the battle.  The same is true of the battle against bitterness.  

I encourage you to consider joining the battle, because the sooner you do, the less chance bitterness has had to send the roots deep, and the more content you will be with whatever life brings your way.

A Bill of Rights for the Divorced

TEN BOUNDARIES TO CONSIDER

Boundaries and borders are much in the news these days.  Some countries are considering closing their borders, others, such as the United States wrestle with how to secure the borders and what that security should be like.  Across the Middle East, boundaries are being defied while invaders seek to claim new territories through warfare.  But the concern for boundaries applies also to homes established after a divorce, but just like international boundaries, they can be very tricky to define and enforce.

One of the tough areas in the early days of divorce is learning how to set and hold appropriate boundaries, and then determining which boundaries might need to be more open to negotiation.  Does your ex enter your home?  Is it okay for him or her to call you every day?  What about ignoring the assigned times for picking up children?  Sometimes an ex thinks it is their place to inform the former spouse of all the parenting mistakes their ex is making.  Other times, an ex will make plans for a child on a day that the child will be at the other parent’s home, and then set up the child to come bounding in and say, “That’s okay, isn’t it?”  

The hard part is that there are no clear rules that are hard and fast, in that the relationship between one set of divorced parents might work well enough that the doors to the home can be open and welcoming.  On the other hand, another divorcee may not be able to trust the behavior of their ex in the home, finding things missing afterwards, or inappropriate suggestions.  Some individuals, especially in the early days of divorce, somehow get it in their heads that they can be divorced but go on living as if nothing has changed.  In truth, everything has changed, from the very fundamentals.

Here are a few suggestions that might provide helpful guides---

1. You have the right to create whatever boundary is necessary for you and your children to feel safe in the walls.
2.  You have the right to not have to endure harassment from an individual who no longer wants to be your spouse.
3. You have the right to expect to be treated with appropriate respect, even if the relationship cannot be cordial.
4. You have the right to say, “no,” when doing otherwise would infringe on your time or emotional health.
5. You have the right to have private space.
6. You have the right to give yourself time and opportunity to heal emotionally.
7. You have the right to arrange the next chapter in your life in whatever ways you and God find acceptable, whether your ex does or not.
8. You have the right to explore a future for yourself, to step forward and try new things in your life.
9. You have the right to change your mind, and reconcile with your spouse if that opportunity arises, whether others approve or not.
10. You have the right to do only the best you can, making mistakes along the way…because, after all, you are only human and are charting a new and unexplored land of life on your own again.

When Your Prayer to God Doesn't Get Answered

When God’s Answers Disappoint

Have you seen some of the relatively recent Christian films, such as Facing the Giants, Fireproof, or War Room?  They are all great calls to prayer, faith and taking stands for God by reordering one’s own life and opening oneself up to God’s guidance and power.  Good movies, and I have enjoyed each of them.  

However, I have also been troubled by each of them, and if you are divorced or have experienced other difficult upheavals in your life, I bet you have had some uneasiness as you watched them, too.  

A friend and I were discussing these films lately, and expressed our concern that the image presented can only be taken so far, and can easily be misinterpreted.  The primary concern is that in watching them, it almost seems to say that if you pray and straighten out your life with God, he will then make everything work out wonderfully….with wonderfully being defined as “the way you think it ought to be.”  

For example, you will win the football games, God will send somebody to give you a new truck, your marriage will be saved and you will get that new job without being prosecuted for past crimes.  I don’t think that is the intent, but it is an impression that can be given, because they don’t include in the stories individuals for whom God did NOT provide the desired answer.

Let me offer another example.  Fireproof and The War Room both present stories of marriages in trouble.  In each case, one spouse submits him/herself to God and asks God to intervene and save their marriage, and sure enough, the marriage partner gets straightened around, too, and the marriages become wonderful examples of ideal godly homes.  In fact, I have mentioned before a book by a casual acquaintance of mine, called Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome by Nancy Anderson, in which the author talks about her own falling into temptation, repentance and how God turned her marriage around when she repented and asked God to intervene.  

Are we guaranteed that God will ALWAYS answer that way?  I suspect not.  

That is the concern my friend and I discussed, because if we put that expectation on God, then if God chooses to answer differently we will end up confused, disappointed and maybe even without faith.  

I was struck a number of years ago when missiologist Ralph Winter wrote in a mission magazine a piece about Hebrews 11.  Winter recounted the various images of people who by faith receiving children back from the dead, shut lions’ mouths, conquered kingdoms and so on, and then Winter pointed out that without skipping a beat, the passage goes on to other people of faith who were hungry, lived in caves, were sawn in two….in other words, suffered tragic experiences.  Winter’s conclusion was that faith isn’t something that rescues us from the difficulties of life, but it is that which guides us in them, regardless of the outcomes.  For every Christian who is miraculously spared an encounter with death, there are others in the world who have been beheaded, killed or displaced by evil men.  Do those others not have faith?  Did they simply not pray right?  Does God love them less?  These are the questions raised when watching movies such as those I have listed.  It is, indeed, a great thing when God turns everything around and makes for happy endings in peoples’ lives here…and he DOES do that.  But that is not all He does.

As I watched the movies dealing with marriage, and observed individuals praying God would save their marriages, I remembered distinctly making the same request of God before my divorce.  Still, my marriage ended.  Why is that?  Perhaps you have wrestled with that kind of question yourself about some troubling issues in your life, and ended up struggling with whether you prayed enough, loved enough, repented enough, tried enough, had faith enough, or whether God cared enough.  We are to trust and pray and try….but we cannot guarantee or manipulate God into producing the results we demand.  We have to trust that God knows the best answers, even if they don’t seem best to us. 

Why doesn’t God always make these things, such as marriages on the brink of divorce, work out?  

Well, let me say first, I don’t really know.  But I think it is important to always realize that not just one, but both marriage partners have to be obedient to God for full transformation of the marriage to occur. Surely a changed heart in one can have significant impact, but it may not guarantee a changed heart in the other.  In 1 Peter 3:1, there is a reference to wives living godly lives even if the husband doesn’t, and that such actions MAY lead to the husband’s salvation...but it is not guaranteed.  Or in 1 Corinthians 7:16 where the same possibility is raised, although it is explicitly stated in verse 15 that if the other partner chooses to separate, the believer is under no obligation.

In our discussion of the movies, my friend pointed out that in the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus prayed for what he wanted, but allowed God to answer differently and granted that the Father’s will would be most important, and God did NOT take the cup away as Jesus asked, but He did fulfill His will.  

For some of us who have prayed for God to save our marriages but it did not happen, perhaps we, too, need to be open to the possibilities that God can do things in a way differently from how we think they ought to have been done.  For instance, if God had saved my first marriage, though I cannot speculate what the future might have held in those circumstances, it is highly unlikely you would be reading this blog right now, because there would have been no books about getting through a divorce.  I would have had nothing relevant or knowledgeable to say on the topic!  That meant that the person about whom I learned who said that my writings about divorce saved her marriage (because they decided they didn’t want to go through what they read), might not have had her marriage saved.  Or others who have been on the brink of suicide or turning away from Christ, might have ended up hopeless and faithless because the sharing of my experiences was not available to them.  

What God intended one way or another may not always be clear, but God can use experiences in our lives even if they don’t go the way we think they should.  That message IS clearly stated in Facing the Giants when the coach keeps saying that they are going to praise God whether they win or whether they lose.  The wording is there, but the movie doesn’t show much about those who praise God and lose.  

We are to pray, to seek, to intercede, to obey….but the final outcomes, those are God’s to choose.  And if they don’t come out the way we would prefer, the wise Christian will conclude that he didn’t really know what the best answers were.  Ultimately, God will make all things right in the new heaven and the new earth.  But for now, sometimes we just have to trust that He knows what He is doing…even if it doesn’t feel like it!

Simple Steps for a World of Difference in 2016

Will It Be A New Year?

Same old same old, or something new and different, none of us know what all 2016 will hold, because so many things are outside of our control.  However, there are some choices we have the power to make that will have impact on what our coming year is like.  We each have to choose whether we are going to live with our hearts and our thoughts in the past, whether we spend our time waiting for a future day when things will be different, or whether we embrace each day as it comes, finding joy in some things each day, and facing each day’s challenges or sorrows when they come.  

This New Year, those of you in the midst of divorce will likely find yourselves moving forward in some positive ways.  Either you will discover a way to reconcile with your spouse and get your marriage on a track that will honestly work and honor God, or you will move one step closer to having all the legal entanglements of divorce get resolved, allowing you to move on to a new chapter in life.  

Those of you already further in the process, may be finding yourself moving one step closer to your children reaching legal age, and with it the necessary painful interactions with your ex become much fewer in number.  

Maybe you have had to move to a new home in the divorce process, and after months of feeling in transition and displaced, this year will become the time you are able to create a space that feels like home.  As we see the world’s terrorists seek to bring fear, havoc and hatred, while those challenges need be faced, we can also choose to bring to the world around us joy, peace and love.  

Simple steps can make a world of difference.

This year you might choose to turn away from how your life has always been, and begin building new adventures, new hobbies, take on new challenges, develop some personal characteristics that have lain dormant for too long.  

I would challenge you to find a new way to enhance your relationship with Christ, through joining a Bible study group (or starting one yourself!), taking on the challenge of reading through the Bible or New Testament this year, or maybe even choosing to memorize a few scriptures and reflect on them in your time with God.  

My wife suggested that this year we create our own thankfulness or gratitude jar, and each day place in it a slip of paper describing one of the blessings in your life.   

Every day of 2016 is going to bring difficulties and challenges, and it will also bring something that can bring a smile to your face or meaning in your life.  What kind of year will 2016 be for you?  

That question is answered not only by what happens to you or to our world, but by what you determine to make the year to be.  My recommendation is, make it a Happy New Year...even if it is a year full of difficulties.  The year 2016 might be the most treasured year of your life! 

We are so encouraged by our readers and appreciate all the posts on Facebook and the blog.   Feel free to email Richard Crooks at seasonsofdivorce@gmail.com to share your ideas and stories with us.  

The Power of Suffering

The Hardships of Christmas

For many people who celebrate Christmas, it is not always the joyous time depicted in movies and advertising.  Many struggle through the holidays instead, for a variety of reasons.  Some face the holiday with grief as they approach their first Christmas without a loved one who passed away this year.  Perhaps a family member has been taken to prison, or a child removed from a home, and that absence creates intense emotion at this time of year.  Others see in the Christmas all the things they are no able to provide, or all the family who is ashamed of them or wants nothing to do with them.  Perhaps worst of all is the suffering of those who will go to sleep Christmas Eve hungry, on the verge of starvation, sleeping not in a bed but wherever they can find to rest their heads because they have no home, some of whom are suffering as innocents from the ravages of war.

There are a lot of reasons people struggle at Christmas, and one of them is due to the aftermath of divorce.   Traditions are suddenly undone or shattered as schedules have to be disrupted and adapted for children trying to celebrate Christmas with each of their parents, whom they love.  Even faith can be tested as one who had hoped God would spare them the agony of divorce, instead find themselves alone and forsaken by their spouses.   

All the pain, heartache, disappointment…suffering…just doesn’t seem to fit as appropriate t he celebration of Jesus’s birth.  Or does it?

A thoughtful reflection on the Nativity Story leads one not only to a Baby in a manger adored by shepherds and magi.  

It also contains a young couple weary from a long and inconvenient journey, forced to accept shabby housing in lieu of space in an inn.  

The story includes a king filled with jealousy and hatred, who responded only in anger when he feels threatened by a newborn king.  

Nativity includes the wailing of the parents in Bethlehem, whose children are slaughtered by soldiers commanded to destroy any chance of a usurper of the throne by their jealous and maniacal king.  

As if the young couple had not struggled enough, they were forced to flee as refugee immigrants to the land of Egypt, lest their child be caught up in the wholesale slaughter of children in Bethlehem.  

Christmas is not only about angels singing, it is also bound up with the story of human suffering.  

Sadly, this same story continues to our day in many places around our world, who are under the rule of tyrants and assassins.  As well as the countries whose rulers are nicely dressed and comfortably housed intent on enriching their own treasuries and indifferent to the struggles of those who live there.  

In fact, the central theme of the Nativity Story is specifically the suffering of the world, the suffering humans and creation have experienced in the slavery brought on by sinful attitudes, attitudes and hearts.  So maybe if Christmas is difficult for you this year, perhaps you are actually closer to the heart of Christmas than you realize.

If that is you, though I don’t normally recommend books I have not yet read, I would offer suggestion of a book I just received from a friend as a Christmas gift. It is a book he and I have discussed several times, and from which he has shared some meaningful insights:  Glorious Ruin—How Suffering Sets You Free by Tullian Tchividjian.  Or consider the classic (which I HAVE read) The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis.  

In a world that seeks to escape suffering whenever possible, it is important to remember that some of the inescapable sufferings bring the most meaningful learnings.  I would remind you, in whatever kind of celebration you have for Christmas, that suffering was at the core of the original Christmas:  it was only through the hardships of travel that the Messiah fulfilled prophecy in his Bethlehem birth, and it was only through the intense pain and travail of labor, that the Messiah entered the world to bring salvation to all who would believe.  

Don’t give up just because you are facing suffering or hardship, for you might miss something powerful just beyond the next bend.

Surviving the Post Divorce Single Parent Holiday

IT’S COMPLICATED!

Holiday season is here again.  Funny how so many cluster around the same time of year...Thanksgiving, New Year’s, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa….am I missing anything?    I have missed getting a few blogs up, for lots of reasons, but one of the main ones has been all the comings and goings related to the holidays.  Of all the times of year, I think this holiday season is the time when the impact of divorce is most keenly felt.

It is rather ironic that individuals in troubled marriages sometimes think that if they only get a divorce, it will solve all their problems, but afterwards discover that divorce often causes more problems than it solves. 

Mind if I illustrate, for those who haven’t been there and might not believe me?

Let’s use Christmas to illustrate.  Let’s assume there are children involved, with grandparents still living.  Let’s also assume that one of the parents is remarried.  Some families celebrate on Christmas Eve, some on Christmas Day, and some do special things in both times…which is my way of doing things.  Children are generally raised with one tradition or the other.  I have always kind of mixed my preferences.  I like to go to Christmas Eve services and do some fun things on Christmas Eve, but prefer to have a holiday dinner on Christmas Day.  

Then, when a divorce comes, the schedule changes.  Which house will the kids be at for Christmas, which for Christmas Eve?  Or will it all be at one place and the other parent need to celebrate on the weekend instead?  How does that impact the schedule for new children the couple might have…do those children have to miss special holiday traditions for the sake of a divorce induced schedule?  If all that works this year, what about next year…do you take turns?  Do you end up focusing on one time or the other?  Do you forego ever seeing your children on Christmas if you accept that Christmas Eve is the only time you have with them?  

Then, factor in the grandparents, supposing the divorced parent is one of several children.  Grandparents sometimes suffer much in a divorce:  not only do they see their beloved child suffering due to the heartaches of divorce, but they also experience a loss of opportunities to spend time with their grandchildren.  If their is to be a united family holiday then all the members, the grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins must now orient the holiday celebrations around a shared custody schedule, which may change from year to year, and accept that the traditions of the past may not be possible.  

And then there are the gifts.  Is it possible to coordinate those, too?  

If every one knows little Johnny needs a new bike, who buys it?  The parent whose house he is at the most, or the other parent?  Does he take it back and forth, or have one at each place?  If you bought a really nice one, are you able to handle that he takes it to the other parent’s home when he returns, and you may never get to see him enjoy it?  Worse yet, what if you buy one, and the other parent decides to one up you by purchasing a fancier one, just to make Johnny think he is more loved there?  (It DOES happen!)  In addition, sometimes a parent will phrase things in such a way it turns the child against the other parent, which impacts relationships with grandparents as well.  It is just a messy situation all the way around.  

In addition, you may find Christmas difficult, because you are still paying on attorney fees, or because you are now attempting to manage a household on half the income, since your partner has left.  As you decorate for the holidays, you may run across ornaments or other decorations that bring tears to your eyes as you are flooded with memories that once were sweet but now taste bitter.  It may be that places you visit for the holidays create the same kind of mixed emotions.

Christmas is but one holiday.  Every interaction becomes complicated. 

One difficulty many single parents face is the fact that the divorced parents hold a different set of values and parenting styles.  As a result, there is not the unity of discipline that is so essential for good parenting.  The children of divorce are well aware of this.  

How many single parents hear, “I don’t have to make my bed at dad’s house!  Mom lets me stay up later than 9:00.  I don’t have to put up with not being allowed to play video games, I’m going to my dad’s house!”  

Or the most troubling words a parent might hear, “I want to move over to the other house.”

These are a few of the “solutions” that come with a divorce.  They are the kinds of stresses many divorced individuals have to deal with on a daily basis.  So, especially in this time of year, a few words of encouragement and support might be just the thing to lift the load for a struggling friend. 

If you are one who is in the midst of these struggles, realize that you are not alone…many of us understand what you are going through and how difficult it is.  Even in the midst of these heartaches, it is a good thing to recall the name celebrated of Jesus at this time of year:  Immanuel---God is with us!