You May Be Offended...

OFFENDED YET?

Have you noticed in the news how often there are stories about individuals who apologize for having offended this group or that group?  If you are like me, there comes a point when you see another headline and think, “Really?  Somebody had to apologize for that?  

Let me be the first to acknowledge that there has been a lot of abuse, hostility and legitimate concerns over the years, and more respect for others is a good thing.

Nevertheless, I grew up with the notion that wearing a chip on your shoulder and daring someone to knock it off was looked down upon.  In our current culture there appear to be multitudes of people walking around with their feelings on their sleeves  -  and seeking a reason to be offended.  Encouraging this behavior are legal vultures - encouraging and nurturing those hurt feelings -  seeking a way to drag the offenders into court in an effort to get rich quick.  

At least, that’s my take on the matter a lot of the time.  Especially when it involves apologies for trivial matters. 

There’s an good book that has been out for several years now that I think is a must read for every Christian in the United States.  It would benefit any christian in any country as well. The book is by John Bevere titled, The Bait of Satan.  

His theme is that there are certain issues in our churches that create the most problems and the greatest division in our congregations.   His primary point is the issue of being offended, and choosing to take that offence to heart, rather than forgive, let it go and move on. Choosing to be offended happens time and again in many churches, wreaking a superabundance of havoc and dissension.

I also believe that this happens in marriage - and divorce - as well.  

I would suggest that this same “bait” of being offended and choosing to take on the offense, and then nurturing the grudge is a prelude to divorce.  I wonder how many marriages would be much happier if the spouses were intentional about choosing to not take on an offense, choosing the path of Biblical love, with Peter's word, that “covers a multitude of sins.”  This is significantly different from saying that serious issues should be ignored, things like abuse or infidelity.  

The many marriage relationships that suffer the strain from accumulated minor offenses such as a forgotten milestone, an unkind word stated in duress, failure to notice a new hairstyle, or even squeezing the toothpaste tube instead of rolling it are on a path to further difficulties.  Jesus’ teaching included a statement that it is an inevitability in life that offenses will come our way.  It is the wise person who decides that life is too short to welcome them into their hearts and minds.  

Well, probably this article will offend somebody, because they will assume it trivializes suffering they have experienced.  

On the other hand, hopefully, those people will have the wisdom to simply choose to let it go.  Letting go of offense is a good habit to develop in life saving one from heartache and brokenness.

Control Freak!

WHO’S IN CHARGE HERE?

That question is one that might be a contributing factor to a lot of divorces, I suspect, as couples haggle over which one is in charge in their marriage.  Maybe that is an issue you deal with in life in lots of ways.  However, I’d like to approach this topic from a different angle today.

Over the years I have observed a lot of people dealing with issue of control.  Some are what we would call “control freaks” who insist that everything be their way and nothing be done without their input and approval.  Sometimes taking control can be helpful, when in the midst of chaos an individual takes the lead to direct the situation into appropriate resolution.  Other times, individuals come off as little dictators, issuing their orders and making their demands with no consideration for people who might have a different point of view. Most of us like to have control over some areas of our lives, everything from the clothing we wear to our choice of food to use of our time.  The feeling of powerlessness is a very threatening experience for most of us, and being at the mercy of the whims of others is an uncomfortable place to be, and so we take time or order our lives and make our plans so that things will work in our lives in a way that suits us.

But divorce is one of those life experiences that shatters our illusion that we are in control, because suddenly we are at the mercy of courts and attorneys and an adversarial ex, and our emotions go into almost incomprehensible upheaval.  Other life experiences can have the same effect, such as an accident that leaves you physically impaired, a disease that suddenly ravages your body, a storm that somehow destroys your home, the death of a loved one…the list could go on and on.  Generally, however, we don’t focus on that list, but on the efforts we make to deny the reality that we really are NOT in control of as much as we think we are.

Many Californians these days would recognize their lack of control over wildfires that suddenly spread and water supplies that run dangerously low, all because they live in a high population area in a time of drought over which they have no control.  Really, though, we control much less than most of us want to admit.  Events like divorce or a drought just bring the reality to the surface.

It can be a very hard thing to suffer the loss of control, especially when you thought you had life pretty well figured out and things seemed to be on track.  The scriptures, however, make pretty plain that the only one who really is in control is God.  There are images in the Bible that describe the greatest nation as nothing more than a speck of sand or drop in a bucket, and how God smiles at the things we think we have planned that he knows will not come to fruition.  It kind of makes me think of the child who is attempting to accomplish a task under the watchful eye of the parent, while refusing to listen to guidance to do it properly.  How many parents have heard their children say, “I’ll do it myself,” only to know the child will be back soon asking for help in the task that is more difficult than they know?  God probably thinks the same thing about us, sometimes.

In a time when life is spinning out of control, we have the opportunity to recognize that we never really had it in control anyway…we just THOUGHT we did!  That, actually is a good thing, because, most of the time, people who think they should be in control of their own lives or the lives of others, generally don’t know as much as they think they do, especially the ones who are convinced that they know more than anybody else and think THEY know what is best for everybody!  Only God knows what really is best, and only fools put themselves in the place of God!

Life spinning out of control offers us the the opportunity to acknowledge the only one who knows the number of our days and the hairs on our head.  In times like that I have been most struck by the prayer of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, in which he deliberately relinquished control with the phrase he expressed to the Father, “not my will, but yours be what is done.” 

Around the world, every day, people are experiencing that life is not really in their control.  Earthquakes strike.  Countries are torn by war.  Refugees are displaced.  People lose their jobs.  Economies slump or collapse.  Cars and planes wreck.  Marriages fall apart.  When things in life feel so out of control, that is a perfect time to quit trying to grasp on to the unholdable and simply choose to let God make the calls by taking on the role of a servant who is willing to accept whatever God may bring our way.  The resurrection, of your own life, that God leads you to, may surprise you in the end. 

Divorce, Albert Einstein and Stupidity

STUPIDITY AND DIVORCE

In a recent day’s reading out of the little devotional book “Our Daily Bread,” there was a quote attributed to Albert Einstein that said, 

          “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity,                                and I am not sure about the former.”

I must admit, I am rather taken by that thought.  I have done plenty of stupid things in my life and have observed others doing pretty stupid things as well.  In addition,  how often have you observed arguments between individuals and just thought how stupid it was to be arguing about whatever it was?  

The classic example, of course, is the children who argue over who rides shotgun and who is crossing the invisible boundary line in the back seat.  But alas and alack, it isn’t only children who act stupidly.  Personally, I might be wrong, but I categorize all the hooplah about the “Blood Moon” and the end of the world talk as an example of stupid (with the exception of course of those who found a way to convince people to buy their materials on the topic and made a fortune from it)!  

I always think the most important verse about the second coming is found in the words of Jesus in Acts 1:7.  In regards to the timing of the end of the world, Jesus says, in my paraphrase:  “It isn’t any of your business.”

Everything else we reflect on should be guided by that simple instruction.l  

Do stupidity and divorce have anything to do with one another?  Sure, lots of times.  Like people who are 50 and divorce their life partner to run off with somebody in their 20’s in the hopes of being young again.  Or individuals who divorce not because of a truly tragic marriage, but simply because they think the grass is greener next door.  Sometimes people get divorced because they don’t appreciate what kind of person their partner really is, and instead choose only to focus on their shortcomings and ignore the strengths that they loved in the first place.  And individuals who throw away decades of investment into a marriage relationship, thinking that it won’t make any difference in their lives, but instead find themselves starting from scratch again in so many ways.  

However, I think the place to find the most stupidity is during the divorce process itself and the aftermath.  Stupidity is present when couples go to the mat fighting over who gets a toaster, or eking out revenge in nasty little ways, such as throwing possessions out into the street.  

I have known individuals who have gotten their divorce, and then suddenly turned into a completely different person, tossing aside the values they held for a lifetime and living a life of reckless abandon.  That reckless abandon usually catches up to them pretty quickly!  

There are others who use the aftermath of the divorce to declare their own personal war - and become obsessed with finding ways to make the life of their ex miserable -  and like the Japanese soldiers discovered in the Pacific Islands - fighting a war that had already ended years before. 

The stupidest thing, in my opinion, is when someone enters into another relationship (or sometimes even another marriage) before the ink has even dried on the divorce decree.  No time for healing, no time for reflection to gain stability or perspective, just jumping into a need based relationship to avoid being alone.  Granted, sometimes those marriages work out, but the successful ones in those circumstances are few and far between.

Divorce is hard enough with adding additional stupidity to it…believe me, there is enough stupidity in it already!  

If you are freshly divorced or in the process, I encourage you to realize you are at risk of making stupid choices because of the emotional upheaval you are in.  Making the time to get some wise advice from Godly people  - who can provide an objective perspective - can save you a ton of heartache down the road.   

Don’t let Einstein’s quote apply to the choices you make during and after your divorce!

By the way, if those folks are right and the world does end, you can send me an email saying you told me so…but you’ll have to use my new heavenly address, though!

Golden

WEALTH IN TRAGEDY

Probably the phrase that best describes the experience of divorce would be that it feels like your whole world is falling apart and you have no control over it at all.  

So many things are at risk:  your future, your finances, your friendships, your living space…the list is very long.  

With so much at risk, though, one discovers an important fact that so many of us take for granted when things are going well in our lives.  

I cannot begin to describe the value of the various relationships of my life to offer encouragement, comfort and support during that terribly trying time.  Family members offered refuge, love, a listening ear, and even financial assistance  - without which I would have had a much harder time.  Good friends encouraged me and stood with me, helping me to see God’s hand at work even in those difficult times.  Knowing that fellow Christians were praying for me helped me keep my focus and priorities.  In it all, I discovered the people I could count on in my time of need, and those, as the saying goes, who were fair weather friends.  The incredible thing is that I ended up amazed at how many great people God had placed in my life.  Family members offered support time and time again.  My mailbox filled with greeting cards of encouragement.  Friends invited me to spent time with them in various venues, such as playing games or eating out together.  Sometimes, when it was just what I needed, it was the willingness of these friends allowing me simply to unload my heavy heart over the phone. 

As my world fell apart - I learned through those experiences that no matter what else was going on that I was truly wealthy.  

I had a great treasure in the form of wonderful family and friends, people who truly cared about me and my children.  

I don’t suppose they realize how it meant to me for even the simplest things that helped me keep going on.   I can never fully repay these friends for what they did for me.  I can only hope I can be as good a friend and support for somebody else.  I guess that is part of the point in writing the Finding God books in the first place, to pass on some of the encouragement I received when I so desperately needed it.  It is rewarding for me that every now and then I hear back from folks telling me that the books have helped them.

Whatever your situation in life, I encourage you to realize the treasure you have in the friends and family members who care for you, however few or many they may be.  If you are in a time where you need that love and support, don’t be afraid to reach out and ask, because you will learn that most of them do want to help you, but simply don’t know how.  Odds are God has placed those people into your lives for a purpose, much as the biblical Queen Esther found that she was in the palace “for such a time as this.”  God provides for His people, but never forget He often works through the people He brings into your life.  If you get to feeling guilty about always seeming to be on the receiving end, remember you can always “pay it forward” as the saying goes, to someone you will know in need, at a future date.

For those of you who served as my treasures 17 years ago, thank you once again.  I don’t know what I would have done without you.  Your support and help has never been forgotten. 

Life's Play Book

SCRIPT PLEASE!

It may just be me, but have you ever watched a good movie or television show involving relationships, and find yourself amazed at how the individuals know exactly what to say and how to say it to make everything work out before the end of the show?  Sometimes I wish I had a team of writers who would know what is going to happen in my life and my relationships and could simply hand me a script with all the right things to say and do to make all my relationships perfect so that everything is happily ever after. 

Real life, though…

Well, real life is messy.  Personal relationships do not follow a script.  People don’t always respond in the ways we might think they are supposed to, and odds are, we don’t always either!  Plans go awry.  People change and can be unpredictable.  Disappointments come.  Sometimes things just don’t work out.  And one of the results is divorce.

That is also why no parenting or marriage book is the last word…because children and spouses don’t always follow a script as easily as the books sometimes imply.  It is better to see them as resources filled with good ideas to try and to adapt as you develop your own personal relationships.  Some ideas will fit and work, some will be dismally useless in your situation.

I see this mentality elsewhere in our society.  I see lots of people, mainly young people, who love to play computer and other video games…I’m sure you know the names of a multitude of them.  What I have noticed is that, very often when they come to a part that is complicated that they cannot figure out, they resort to surfing the internet to find something called “cheat codes” that tells them how to jump ahead without having to figure it out or struggle through it on their own.   People just want answers to the hard challenges we face in life, and we want somebody to just give them to us.  “Give me a script.  Let me look up the codes.  It is all just too complicated!”

The truth is, life is rarely what we anticipate it is going to be.  Becoming an adult is far different from the imaginations of childhood.  Raising children doesn’t always end up with the results we hope for.  Career tracks sometimes get stalled.  Marriages fall apart.  But let us not forget also, that some things turn out much better than expected.  Whether things go well or poorly is not the point, rather, it is that the twists and turns of life rarely follow the scripts we write, and there aren’t often simple codes we can automatically plug in and make everything work.

I have been in plenty of situations that have left me confused or uncertain, and had many times it would have been nice to have a play book I could refer to that would lay out all the options with the best choice highlighted and underlined.  Instead, like everybody else, I have to make the best choices I can with the knowledge that I have, and sometimes those choices might even be mistakes.  Then, after I have made my choice, others will make their choices as well, not following a clear script either, and sometimes that all gets messy and jumbled up.  This is why forgiveness and understanding are so important.  It is also why we need second chances sometimes.  

Let me add though, that there is a script, and overall script that is the plan of God, and a “code book” we can turn to for some overall guidance in life.  

You see, God is always moving things into our lives and working in ways we can’t always see in our limited understanding.  Unlike the actors who have the entire detailed script in hand, with all the props and staging neatly described, we have the outline, and know the end story.  The chapters that make up our lives, we experience much like the individual who watches the move…one scene at a time.  The scriptures provide some structure within which we can operate best if we take the time to search them and follow the directions provided.  

Most of the time, though, we simply must trust the One who is the stage designer and director, to guide us through life’s winding pathways to the ultimate outcome of eternity with Him.

The Opportunities of Being Alone

THE LONELIEST NUMBER

Years ago, there was a song popular by the rock group Three Dog Night named “One,” and the chorus of that song proclaimed that “one is the loneliest number.”  

Probably loneliness is one of the hardest things to face after a divorce, and it comes in many different forms.  Loneliness can be felt at night when you turn off the last light and hear nothing but emptiness in the house.  Loneliness can be felt when you are caring for a houseful of children and suddenly realize there is no one there to help.  Loneliness can be felt when you go out to eat and see tables filled with couples, or groups of couples…or maybe you are even with a group of couples…but you are there alone.  Loneliness can even be experienced by a glance at an empty seat in the car or at the table, by the smaller loads of laundry or the meals prepared that you realize are way too big for just yourself.  It can be hard when, after years of marriage, you walk up to the ticket box at the theater and respond to the question of, “how many?” by simply saying, “One.”

Even church can be a lonely place.  

Most churches include a lot of individuals who have been widowed, and those who have never yet gotten married, but sitting by yourself because your marriage has fallen apart is an entirely different kind of experience.  A friend of mine liked to remind me during my times of loneliness that there is a huge difference between being lonely and being alone, and that as a Christian, I was never really alone even if I felt very lonely.  He was, of course, right.  It’s just that it didn’t always feel like he was right.

Somewhere along the way, I picked up the notion that it is probably best not to get into another serious relationship, until it is okay to be alone, to not be in a relationship.  I have long loved the verse found in Mark 1:35—

^“And in the morning, a great while before day, he rose and went out to a lonely place, and there he prayed.”  (RSV)

Jesus was comfortable being alone.  In fact, there were times he clearly relished it.  He never married (despite fictional accounts in popular movies), and so his life was a life of solitude and friendships, not the life of a married man.  He never seemed to be concerned about whether he would ever find that “perfect girl” or not.  He clearly felt whole living his life single.  

We are most healthy when we are able to feel whole, even if living alone, the kind of wholeness that only comes from a relationship with God. 

Jesus, it seems to me, understood that there are opportunities that come with singleness that do not exist in marriage.  

Let’s consider the idea... Jesus, married.  Let your imagination go for a second...  (and I'll ask ahead of time for forgiveness...).

“What did you say, Jesus?  You have 5000 friends out on a picnic with you, and you didn’t even think to pack the picnic basket?  Do I have to think of everything?”  (Of course, if he WERE married, there would have been a picnic basket…the opposite gender tends not to be as forgetful about those things.)

“Okay, Jesus, I get that you feel called to be at travelling evangelist - but can’t we at least get an RV?”

“Yes dear, I understand that male bonding time is important.  But don’t those disciples have a home to go to once in a while?   I’d like some time with you just for the two of us.”

“Now Jesus, I can’t just have you running all over the place like that.  One morning you’re up way before dawn, wandering who knows where in those mountains and what if a lion attacked?  And you said you were going off to pray, and the next thing I know you are halfway across the lake walking on the water leaving me and kids to take the subway….and it hasn’t even been invented yet!”

I used to go to the all night store at 2:00 in the morning once in a while.  It was quiet there, and the lines were short, and I did not have to explain it to anyone.  Sometimes I ate breakfast food at supper and would change lunch plans at the drop of a hat…because I could.  I didn’t have to worry that my getting up to pray or turning on the lights to read was going to wake up anybody, because I was the only one there.  Being single means you can spend as much time alone with God in the Word and reflection as you want, without worrying that it is robbing time from your marriage partner.  Some of those silly things were part of what made being single okay.  And knowing I wasn’t really alone, made the loneliness more bearable when it hit. 

If you are alone these days, don’t let the loneliness be the only things you experience in this time.  Relish the opportunities that come with the gift of being alone for a while.  Jesus seemed able to do that, you can, too.

To Make Someone Love You

I DID EVERYTHING I COULD…

Many people I have met who have gotten divorced, describe it as a failed marriage and struggle with the idea that they are the ones who failed.  I am the first to grant that it is a real possibility that far too many divorces occur because of individuals who don’t try hard enough to work things out.  Although, there is a caveat to that statement, because sometimes it is that only one partner is willing to do the work of making the changes needed for a good marriage, the other either doesn’t care or has decided the their spouse is the only one with problems. 

I also would grant that one spouse sincerely praying and seeking God can often be the instrument of God’s change in the other spouse that brings healing and hope to a marriage.  But I would ask you, the reader, to also grant that sometimes that other spouse simply has no interest in making the marriage work or making in changes in themselves, even to the point of walking out.  In such cases, for a marriage to be God honoring, that disinterested spouse has to have a heart change for anything of substance to begin. 

This whole scenario reminds me of the time Jesus was approaching Jerusalem, and in tears weeping when he saw it, stating that so often he had wanted to draw the residents to himself, but they had refused.  

If Jesus himself could not “make” somebody love him who didn’t want to, why do we think that we should have been able to do so with a spouse whose heart has left the marriage?  

God can soften hearts, but it seems he also allows us to refuse to listen, and some choose exactly that.  If you sincerely tried, and put forth the effort to attempt to save your marriage or to help it become what a marriage should be, but it still failed, perhaps you need to grant yourself some grace.  On the other hand, if you are considering divorce, and haven’t really tried to change, or tried to talk it out, or spent time in counseling with your pastor or counselor…then maybe you are walking too early.

I find that the individuals who best handle the tragedy of divorce are those who can look back and confidently state that they really tried:  they gave it years of effort, they pursued counseling, they accepted that it wasn’t going to be perfect, they prayed, and they gave time and opportunity for God to work.  If, after having done those things in such a way that the conscience is clear with God, then when the gavel falls, one can walk away knowing that they gave it their best shot.  And the truth is, our best shot is all we can do in a lot of areas in life, because none of us are perfect, the fallen world in which we live has infected us all.

Did you honestly try?  Were the reasons you separated substantial and not trivial matters?  Did you spend time looking in the mirror, and work on areas God showed you there?  Solid answers to those questions lead to a more peaceful heart post divorce.  At least, it has for me.