The End of Separation... as a blog topic!

SEPARATION—FINAL THOUGHTS

To close this collection of blogs on separation, I would like to make some final suggestions for ways to plan to make a separation successful toward reconciliation.  Again, there is no particular order to these items, and they are based on my opinions and observations, rather than particular research elsewhere.

1. Assignments. Since the goal is to make progress on the issues plaguing the marriage, it would be important to make sure the work continues during the time of separation.  It could be useful for the couple to agree on a weekly assignment for each partner to be working on, with regular times to share progress with one another.  The assignments could be as simple as reflective journaling on the origins of certain phobias, learning to reword statements into positive language with “I” statements or daily practice of improvements in specific social skills.  Each partner should be focusing on his or her own assignments, rather than looking for improvement in the other spouse.
2. Forgiveness. It would be useful for both partners to develop a forgiveness list to help them intentionally deal with and let go of past hurts and wrongs so they can approach their future together with a clean slate.  The lists would not be for sharing with the spouse (though a few might apply), but for the purpose of ridding oneself of grudges and resentments that have built up over time.  In addition, each partner could work on listing the things for which they need to ASK forgiveness from their spouse, again, as a way to let go of the past and begin forward movement.
3. Counseling.  I strongly urge ongoing counseling during any such time of separation, whether with a pastor or another professional counselor.  The counselor needs to be informed of the goals for the separation, and would likely make suggestions of issues to work on, as well as when such sessions should be on an individual basis, and when couple sessions would be more useful.  
4. Together time.  Make arrangements to have at least one weekly date night, doing things together that you both enjoy as you start to rebuild the foundation of your marriage.  Include in your joint schedule some time each week to pray together for your marriage and your family.  (In fact, it would not hurt to enlist a few trusted prayer warriors to also stand with you in prayer.)  Instead of depending on electronic communications, find a way to schedule more face to face time to make sure the fullest communication is used (which includes facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, eye contact, etc.).  Perhaps also take time to write one another love letters you can send via snail mail.  This is a time of wooing one another all over again…finding a way to start the relationship fresh, and just as these kinds of things were important when you first met, they will again be important as you move toward rebuilding the broken relationship.
5. Make time for appropriate physical affection.  This may be limited to mere hand holding at some points, but to cut off physical contact during a time of separation is begging for trouble and temptation.  Make sure the need for physical affection is met by the appropriate person—the spouse—in appropriate timing and with proper respect for one another.
6. Limit the time frame.  Establish at the start a plan for reintegration and the end of separation.  It should not be so much a trial separation, as a separation with trial reunitings.  Perhaps setting a 30 day limit could be a good place to start.  Time could be added if needed, but regularly trying to get back together should be part of the plan from the beginning.  The reuniting can be doing in gradual steps, such as spending weekends together first, then adding additional time as progress is made. 
7. Accountability.  Make a plan to address accountability for the work each is to be doing toward reconciliation.  It might be helpful for this to take place in the presence of the counselor, but it needs to happen.  Each partner needs to know he or she is expected to be making effort for their marriage, and both partners need to know their spouse is really trying.  
8. Renewing commitment.  Just as you said your vows when you got married, it could be important to celebrate a renewal of your commitment in some tangible way.  Find ways to determine and to express what commitment you are making to your spouse as you move toward reconciliation.  It can be a special time marking the new birth of your marriage.
9. Be honest.  None of these steps will be of any benefit to you, if you are not honest with one another, with yourself, with your counselor and with God.  Making statements you don’t really mean or plans you don’t expect to follow only compounds the problems.  Self deception about your part in the breakup or about your purpose in the separation are also detrimental.  It may be tough to do, but taking a long hard look in the mirror can mean the difference between failure and success.
10. Question the separation.  Be sure to question together the necessity of a separation.  Could the goals be achieved without such a drastic step?  Could being in the same house and separate rooms be less dramatic?  Together, weigh honestly the pros and cons of a separation, and the risks you are taking by choosing that path.  Review with your counselor the goals you have, and seek input from him or her.  

Well, thus endeth the separation blogs!  I hope they contain something useful for those of you contemplating or in the midst of separation.  I also hope they answer the question for the individuals who asked me about separation in the first place.  I have known a number of couples who found ways to tough out the difficult times in their marriages, and as a result, found a deeper and more loving relationship on the other side.  It can be done, if both parties are willing to do what it takes to make the marriage work.  Sadly, all too often, one spouse decides not to try any longer, which moves the marriage rapidly toward divorce.  But a couple willing to do what it takes, to spend what it takes, to make the changes in themselves it takes, and to settle for nothing less can end up with a marriage they never imagined possible.  That is what I hope for any of you wrestling with the idea of separation.

Considerations in a Separation

SEPARATION

—THE ILLUSIONS AND PITFALLS

Remember the old adage:  “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”?   Well, MAYBE!  

In the first blog about separation, I made some observations about things that could be important to have in place to make a separation successful in restoring a marriage.  But now let’s consider some of the things that might make it counterproductive, again, in no particular order.  I would also remind you that I am talking about separation in which BOTH partners are genuinely choosing this strategy as a tool toward reconciliation, not the first step toward getting out of the marriage.  And again, these thoughts are not based on a lot of research nor is the list exhaustive; these are simply the things I have observed through my years in ministry.

1. There is an "artificiality" - built into separation.  It is a state of being “not quite” a marriage, but also “not quite” a divorce.  A separation can provide some respite from ongoing tension, but in some ways it is an artificial stress reliever.  Because the daily pressures and contacts have been drastically altered, it can make one or both spouses feel like things have gotten better, when in fact nothing has changed except that the problems are being avoided through lack of contact.  It is important to realize that a separation in and of itself is NOT progress; it is merely an altered state.
2. Another difficulty of separation is the idea that the couple can step out of the pressures and tension of daily married life, so that they can instead try to focus on their key problems and issues without having to deal with additional daily stressors between them.  However, by being removed from those daily stressors, the urgency to work on the problems lessens.  Instead, one or both spouses might be so contented with the stress release, that going back to honestly face and work through the issues becomes less and less attractive.  In my observations, that is often only ONE of the spouses who comes to feel the release; the other is left to struggle with the daily grind and waiting for his/her partner to get around to working on the marriage.  This kind of experience becomes counterproductive, and can create a great deal of resentment.
3. Separation also creates a kind of illusion of what it would be like to be divorced or single again: going where you want when you want with whom you want, being freed from having to communicate and cooperate with a difficult spouse, etc.  But again, this is not a reality.  Divorce is not at all the same experience as being separated.  There is not a temporary aspect to divorce…it deals in finality.  Divorce does not leave one thinking they can go back anytime they want, but separation implies that notion.  Divorce involves feelings of failure, rejection and deep hurt.  Divorce means that each partner is now permanently embarking on a new path in life on their own, so while compromises and consideration take place, both spouses makes those choices in an atmosphere where they have to secure their own future apart from their spouse.  Divorce also means loss of control, as the courts step in as the final decision maker in the dissolution.  Sure, the couple may make agreements through mediation that the court will honor, but the decision itself is ultimately the right of the court, and a judge may or may not agree with what the couple chooses, assuming the couple is even able to COME to agreement at all.
4. Suppose a couple decides to use a trial separation, and each one works on some of the issues in him or herself in that environment.  For instance, perhaps one spouse is irritable and short tempered, and so begins to focus on that while separated.  That individual may find he or she learning how to not get irritated or how to handle anger in more appropriate and less hurtful ways.  The person may even sense a great deal of progress.  But the progress can give a false impression of HOW MUCH progress has actually been made.  It is much easier to be less irritable when you are not in the presence of the person or thing that irritates you!  Learning to handle irritation when the source is present is another matter.  When this happens, the person who gets irritated can too easily decide that, since they don’t get irritated when the other person isn’t around.  The conclusion can become, “I don’t have any problems, because I don’t get irritated when my spouse isn’t around, so the problem must be that my SPOUSE behaves in irritating ways and needs to change!”  Yet, if someone never learns how to handle irritations when the irritating factor is present, then really all that is happening is that the person is practicing avoidance and placing the blame on somebody else, instead of honestly seeking personal growth.  

Don’t get me wrong, a person can make great strides in growth given the time to be apart and seriously look oneself in the mirror.  But the evidence of the growth is found in context…and growth in how a person handles things by him/herself is not the same as growth in how that same person handles him/herself in a relationship!  And it doesn’t count that you have learned to get along better with other friends, because other friends are not sharing your bank account, your home, your future, your responsibilities with your children—in short, you aren’t MARRIED to your friends.  It is the MARRIAGE relationship you are supposed to be working on, remember?

In separation, temptations can become overwhelming.  Having been with a partner for a period of time, suddenly being the only adult in the house can result in a great sense of loneliness.  Having been in a struggling and perhaps hostile relationship, the sense of freedom that comes with being away from it can beckon to further “freedoms.”  Having been in a relationship where kisses and hugs had once felt good and loving, and in which it was appropriate for sexual needs to be met (even though none of these things may be currently happening), in separation the needs and desires still exist, but the partner is no longer present.  It can be very easy to be so overcome with longing and need, and seek fulfillment in the arms of another person, which only compounds the problems in the marriage.  In addition, even if it is only a hug, that experience with another person can create the illusion that this is what it is SUPPOSED to feel like.  There would be, obviously a grain of truth in that, as good marriages are loving marriages.  HOWEVER, this other person with whom you are feeling that positive response is NOT your spouse…it is NOT the same context!  Again, it is easy to mistake an artificial moment as being the same thing as a marriage, when it is not.  If you were sharing the bank account, the home, the responsibilities, etc. with this other person, your experience might be altogether different.  The goal is to learn how to make changes toward positive experiences WITHIN a marriage relationship, which is different than outside the marriage.  Don’t confuse the two.


As the last entry today, let me also make one more observation about a potential pitfall or illusion in trial separation, and that is the possibility of self-deception.  Do you remember what Jeremiah 17:9 says about our hearts?  It says, 

         “The heart is more deceitful than all else

 And is desperately sick;

 Who can understand it?  (NASB)

Many times when a couple separate, each one will say they are doing it not as a step toward divorce or to get out of the marriage, but as a tool to help them get things worked out.  Sometimes that really is what they are doing.  But there are other times when it appears that this is more what they are TELLING themselves they are doing, but are actually not being honest with themselves or have been deceived by their own heart thoughts.  Once off in separation, the deeper intent starts to rise and instead of working on the marriage, the individual gets too busy to go to the counselor, or is too exhausted to talk about the problem anymore, or any of a multitude of avoidance excuses the demonstrate the TRUE intent in that person, which is to not have to deal with his/her spouse any longer.   And that means the agreed upon purpose for the separation was based on a lie; the separation will doom the marriage to failure.

Well, those are some of the traps I think of, and have observed.  I haven’t yet decided whether this will end the series, or if I want to add some final thoughts on the topic.  Perhaps there is something in particular you would like addressed, and if so, feel free to make a suggestion in the comments, or via email, and I will take it into consideration.  In the meantime, if you are considering a trial separation, tread carefully and wisely!