SWEET REVENGE?
I
don’t know how many times I’ve had conversations with individuals who wrestle
with the treatment they received at the hands of their ex, sometimes during the
marriage itself, sometimes during and after the divorce.
In those conversations, sometimes the individual
will describe how their ex plotted to try to make their life miserable after
the divorce. Other times, they describe
how their ex predicted they would never make it without them. Then there are those who wrestle with the
ill treatment, and wish there was someway that their ex could suffer as they
have, some way to “get even” or even get revenge. These feelings seem to be their worst when in
the throes of the divorce, and when things are at in limbo and tempers
flare. But the hurts can leave scarred
memories for a long time.
It
can be very tempting to try to get revenge, especially when you have been
grievously wronged. Some people seem to
do that by means of neverending trips to court battling over one thing after
another. And there certainly are times
when one needs to take a stand and set boundaries, which is very different from
taking revenge…as it is not done out of emotional responses, but a reasoned
decision based on facts and legal rights.
Revenge, on the other hand, is a response based on anger and hurt, and
more often than not, results in an ongoing spiral of angry responses back and
forth, thus only feeding the fire of the conflict.
I
once heard a friend give some advice that I think is pretty worthwhile in this
context. The advice was simple: the best revenge is to live the rest of your
life well, to find ways to enjoy life after divorce.
The idea is that when the ex is the kind of
person who is hoping you will suffer or actively doing you harm so that your
life will be harder, living your life above that fray and choosing to move
beyond them is what will undermine their designs the most.
Oh,
it isn’t that you have to viciously plan “to show them.” It’s just that choosing to not get caught up
in the game, and instead assert your sense of self by moving on in life and
finding joy in creating the next chapters simply demonstrates that the person
no longer has power over you. In the
case of some of the marriages I have been told about, it may be the first time
that ex is NOT in control, or able to continue abuse effectively.
This
idea may sound dumb, or it may sound like it isn’t a big deal, but for many, it
really IS significant. Being able to
live life and enjoy life without your ex accomplishes several things. First, it empowers you to live beyond
victimization, to live your life in spite of external circumstances. Secondly, it serves the purpose of
disempowering your ex, as it reduces the impact your ex has over your emotional
well-being. Over time, your ex may realize
their foolishness isn’t accomplishing what they desired, and eventually give up
the behaviors. Finally, it is much more
healthy for you, because instead of focusing on the problems your ex creates
and being entangled in the past, you become more positively focused on your own
life and your own future.
I
supposed, there is a degree to which even this serves as a degree of revenge
for those of you whose ex thinks that you won’t be able to live without
them. But best of all, it gets you out
of the business of revenge, which really doesn’t belong to you, anyway, and
gets you into obedience to God.
Romans
12:19 says it best:
Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave
it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I
will repay, says the Lord.” (ESV)
And,
if your ex really has done things that deserve to be punished in some way, you
have stepped out of the way and left that job to God, who knows better than any
of us what the appropriate response is.
And God will hold each of us accountable, so choosing the high road for
yourself means your accountability will result in a good response from
God. How God handles your ex,
ultimately, is between God and and your ex, so leave it there.
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