Values

SHIFTING VALUES

I would like to follow up on my reflections about our shifting society, as noted in Tom Brokaw’s book The Greatest Generation.  One of the topics discussed a lot in the book is that of personal and societal values.  I was struck by the topic afresh the other day, when I was having lunch with a group of friends.  Looking around the table, we commented that it had to be a gathering of old folks, because nobody had their cell phones out texting and looking at Facebook posts and surfing the internet while eating with friends, choosing a focused visit with one another instead. 

Later that same day, in another group with younger folks present, sure enough, the cell phones were active the entire time.  It got me to thinking about Brokaw’s comments regarding shifting values in our society.

One of the areas where values have shifted has to do with hard work, rewards and perseverance.  I remember when I was younger; people lamented the rise of “instant” foods as evidence of the impatience of my generation.   Instant potatoes, instant coffee, instant rice, instant oatmeal, even a drink to instantly meet your breakfast needs….all were cited as proof that people were losing patience and perseverance.  Take that a multiply it by a million to be where we are today, with email conquering “snail mail” and individuals frustrated when an internet download takes more than two seconds.  

In two generations we have moved from the perspective that anything worth having is worth waiting for” to the advent of instant gratification to a new expectation of INSTANTANEOUS as the norm for anything.  Nice homes, marriages, job success, building a nest egg….all things that once were accepted to be the tasks of a lifetime are suddenly now the expectations and demands of the moment, which are then abandoned if left unmet.

Another meaningful value I found highlighted by Brokaw was the idea of serving for the greater good…sacrificing one’s own personal interests for the sake of others, to make the world a better place or to aid the lives of others.  Time and again that was how individuals described their commitments and efforts in serving and supporting during World War II, an attitude that came back to civilian life as those individuals sought to make their communities and their world better through personal efforts.  Many today also want to make the world a better place, what with environmental concerns and desire for world peace and mutual respect.  But the missing element, it seems to me, in the realm of personal sacrifice.  Often today, people appear to support causes that are conducted by others, government agencies and so forth, using their excess funds or time to help.  The concept of going without myself so that a cause can be advanced or for the welfare of others is not a common trait. 

If you will forgive my cynicism, an illustration of this concept can be seen, I believe, in the work of Al Gore.  While warning the world of the dangers of global warming and the need to change how we live, he travels to speak in a personal jet polluting far more in one trip than most individuals do in the course of an entire year or more.  His defense was reported to be that he buys carbon offsets in the rain forests, but that is a far cry from personal sacrifice, wouldn’t you say?  His example is the way many live in these times, standing for causes as long as those causes do not interfere with their own personal lifestyle.  That is a far cry from the sacrificial lifestyle of “The Greatest Generation.”

Loyalty is a value that has made significant shifts over recent decades.  So many of the people in Brokaw’s books remained working with the same company for decades, pursuing stable careers.  Now, it is much more uncommon for someone to work for the same company for an entire lifetime, and even if someone sets out on that path, attractive salary offers can easily lure individuals from one job to another, one location to another.  Loyalty is an important character issue.  People can be loyal to their employer, loyal to a brand name or a store, loyal to their spouses, and employers can also honor loyalty by the way they treat their employees.  When loyalty breaks down, so do lots of other things.  Marriages are devastated every day because one spouse is no longer loyal to the other.  The Enron disaster of a few years ago demonstrated what happens when management/employers choose not to honor the loyalty of their employees, as so many lost their pensions while those responsible walked away with millions.  In cases like that, sometimes I wish I could have been the judge on the bench.  I would have sentenced those executives responsible to forfeit their entire savings and personal possessions…including property in spouse’s names, and then be given simple homes and a basic car with which to start life over.  Then, I would have ordered them to use the vast sums they stole to pay back proportionally each individual who lost retirement funds, requiring the executive to personally write a check, hand it to the individual with a face to face apology.  Why?  Because it is clear the individuals involved had lost their way when it came to character and values, and needed to be reminded that real people suffered, and real people trusted them, and real people are important.

Let me provide one last example.  Brokaw’s book also highlights the pervasive values of family and religious commitments.   Sometimes marriages fall apart because individuals’ values place perceived personal interest above their family when making a marriage and family work is making more demands on them than they are willing to give.  The mindset can be one of wanting one’s fun before it’s too late, or it can be an unwillingness to face one’s own shortcomings or put forth the effort needed to make the necessary changes.  When family takes second seat to self, there is often a high price to pay.  At the same time that this emphasis has suffered decline, individual’s need for God has also declined, not unsurprisingly.  When one’s first priority is oneself, there is no need for a God, nor an interest in learning what God might think of our self-centered actions.  The cycle continues to spiral, because as one’s involvement with God declines, so the choice of one’s personal values also decline.  Values are based on one’s own ideas, one’s desires, and the whims of societal and political winds…each of which provides unreliable guides for one’s moral compass.  I guess it wouldn’t really matter what morals and values one might choose to live by, except that when all is said and done, God will judge each of us, and it will be HIS standards that he judges by, not our own.  Choosing to live by the wrong set of values will bring great disappointment to say the least.

The point of this blog is simple.  I was struck in reading Brokaw’s books to look at my own life and choices in comparison to the examples set by those who went before in that “Greatest Generation.”  I encourage you to do the same. What are the values of YOUR life?  Not what your words would indicate, but the values actually demonstrated by the way you live, the calendar you keep, the finances you handle.  And, having examined those values, what is the basis out of which you choose those values?  I would encourage you to not allow the foundation of your values to be the shifting sands of self-interest or popular opinion…be a better person than that!  If nothing else, learn that lesson from the Greatest Generation.

The Greatest Generation

WHAT HAPPENED?

I have finally gotten around to reading Tom Brokaw’s book, The Greatest Generation.  He writes lots of things I relate to, as he could easily have included my parents for a chapter in the book.  In many ways, he did, not by name but in terms of the kind of people they were. 

In his book, Brokaw highlights such characteristics as honesty, loyalty, humility, endurance, the ability to face hardship and deprivation, dedication, faith, the importance of family and the commitment they demonstrated as they kept lifelong marriage vows.  These were the characteristics instilled through the hardships of the Great Depression, of hard physical labor, and of the crisis of a world at war.  I know personally a number of individuals from that generation whose marriages lasted 50 or 60 years or more!  Brokaw addresses this theme time and again, stating that this generation just seemed to take the vows more seriously back then, and did not consider divorce an option. 

As I have encountered these friends of mine with their long term marriages, I have often wondered how many people from my generation will ever see their 50^th anniversary.  

So many divorces.  

Brokaw sees it as a major symptom of changing times, one that is tragic in many ways.  Many in my generation had the blessing of growing up in a stable home with married parents who stayed together throughout their lives.  It is a sad thing that so many children in this day and age will never know what that is like…including my own.  Studies indicate that it really does make a difference. 

At the same time, I would like to raise some thoughts of my own, as kind of response to the ideas raised by Mr. Brokaw, with no slight intended on his observations about that “greatest generation”. 

One of the shifts that I believe has taken place is in the realm of expectations.  While courtship and romance are as popular today as they were back then, the expectations of what married life would be like appears to be different.  Brokaw points out time and again how many of that older generation expected that marriage would take work, and that difficulties, including marital difficulties, were just part of life that had to be faced and conquered.  They didn’t expect to have the perfect marriage.  Instead, they expected to build a great marriage. 

They also didn’t expect to start out with everything in place, but to work their way up.  Dad and I used to take a lot of wedding pictures, and he often commented that newlyweds these days moved into homes that his generation worked their way up into, rather than starting out there.  Brokaw illustrates this through comparing the 1000 sq. ft. homes of that generation versus the 2000+ sq.ft. homes of the 90’s.  Another interesting shift I noted was that while Brokaw highlighted individuals who followed careers for their entire lives, in this day and age instead, it has been estimated that high school graduates today will experience something like 5 major career shifts by the time they retire, and most of those careers do not even exist yet.  These are all significant shifts.  And then there has been that fundamental shift from the fact that back in those days, the bulk of the marriages occurred before they had children and before the couple took up residence together.  It is a different world…and not necessarily better!

There are lots of things that have changed over the years, and the size of starter homes is only one.  Brokaw points out the advances against the racism and sexism which were the norms of society in those days.  But, it seems to me, as Mr. Brokaw focuses on the “ease” with which divorces are obtained these days, he fails to recognize that the change in the divorce rate may well be more than just a lack of follow through on commitment.  An argument could reasonably be made that the hike in the divorce rate is also a symptom of the stresses in a radically changing society.  In addition, in my opinion it is also is a symptom of changing expectations.

For the last few decades, the gender roles in marriage have been shifting.  The fact that more wives are in the work force, sometimes earning more than husbands, and husbands are more involved in the raising of children serve as two simple examples.  I believe the expectations of what to expect a marriage relationship to be like may have shifted as well, with young couples believing, as with the house, that their relationship should start out with a depth they may have seen in that of their parents, without recognizing that their parents’ relationship was the fruit of decades of hard work and committed love.  When they experience hardship, frustration and disappointment instead, it is interpreted as failure rather than as a challenge. 

And now, with the next generation moving to adulthood and marriage, having seen so many parents split up, perhaps even their own, for many of them, the example people like me grew up with is now lost.  Many of this next generation assume single parent homes, step families and divorce is the norm.  Or, conversely, having observed or experienced the brokenness of a divorcing home, they may be building a relationship of reaction against being like their parents, rather than intentionally building their own unique relationship. 

Permit me to turn a different direction, and add one comment that is counter to the image of these wonderful marriages from days of yore.  Much as lifting the cover of those times reveals the racism and sexism of the day, it is also a fact that there were many couples who stayed together in spite of an awful marriage, filled with abuse and adultery.  One of the things that has resulted as women entered the workforce, as well as the social programs that provide assistance to the impoverished, is that women, particularly, have the option of choosing to NOT stay in a bad or dangerous marriage.  While this may have contributed to the divorce rate, it may not be such a bad thing, as it faces the fact that some marriages are not godly marriages at all, but a sham of abusive relationships. 

Better than divorce for even those abusive marriages, of course, would be for the couple to agree to face their problems head on, and do whatever it takes to make the changes necessary to build a better marriage, as many in the “greatest generation” surely did.  But when one partner is unwilling to do that work, the remaining partner faces the choice of whether to stay and endure, to stay, pray and work for gradual change, or to file for divorce and finally acknowledge that the unhealthy situation is dangerous, ungodly and abusive.  Had the men and women of this “greatest generation” also had the same kind of option to choose, and some I have known would have appreciated feeling like they had a choice, then perhaps the “greatest generation” story might have been different.

I admire and honor those of any generation who keep a marriage together for a lifetime; they have done a great thing.  I know such an achievement is not something that just happens; it is something accomplished by two individuals humbly choosing to live with an imperfect partner, to acknowledge their own imperfections, and to work together to grow and learn how to make their marriage work in the face of every difficulty that comes their way.  And in this day and age, I especially honor those who have done so in the face of a shifting society with its shifting values.