Healing for the Abused

REPULSIVE!

My wife recently got back from an international Christian conference in South Africa (which partly explains why the blogs have been sporadic of late!).   She has shared about the fellow believers she met from around the globe and the ministries she learned about through contact with them.  

Those ministries are something dear to my own heart, because I believe all too often that, at least our churches in the United States, become so consumed with our own little spheres that we fail to see the way God is moving or the needs that exist globally.  

God’s heart and work IS global.

My wife told me of divorce ministries she learned about that exist in Johannesburg and Australia, which reminded me that the struggles of divorce are also not merely an issue in North America, but are also global.  

Blogger gives me statistical data that confirms this statement.  On any given day I can look and see that where my readers are - and readers of this blog encircle the globe.  

In the world of divorce, none of us is really truly alone in our struggle…there are brothers and sisters wherever we are who share the same concerns.

One of the South African ministries my wife told me about breaks my heart, especially as a man.  It seems that in a certain area, women who come to report having been physically assaulted and abused by the men in their lives are able to make their police report, but then were left without any safe place to go afterwards.  

A woman of vision established a home to shelter these women and help them heal and to get on their feet.  Much like our battered women shelters in the United States  - these shelters give women the opportunity to heal and recover.

Unfortunately, this woman was called of God to serve in a different ministry for a few years, and then when it was complete, returned to find that the shelter had been stripped of all of its contents and even some of the structure damaged, because the person in charge had been terribly neglectful in their oversight.

What troubles me is that there is even a need for such a place in our world.  Men who choose to take their anger out physically on women are such a blight in our world, and such a garbage example of what masculinity is all about, that it sickens me every time I hear about it.  The abuse of men by their partners is also as sickening as well.  

Unfortunately, I have heard about it too many times in my life.  I wish I could say that these things only happen due to drunken and out of control men whose lives are such a mess but he truth is that even within churches this kind of behavior exists.   

It is not unknown that individuals who practice some of this kind of horrific behavior toward women and young girls served, currently serve or have been considered to serve in church leadership, both lay and pastoral.  I have no opposition to preventing leadership opportunities for these individuals and have done so in the past.   

 A number of years ago, I have been told there was a survey done by a woman’s magazine, seeking to learn what the primary concerns were for women around the world.  They expected to hear about lack of opportunity, concerns for the future of their children or things along that lines.  Instead, they discovered that a huge concern of women around the globe relates to the fear of abuse by the men in their lives.  

Actually, I should probably say the “males” in their lives, because I don’t believe that males who act that way are any way indicative of true manhood.   

I am sorry, women, that there are those of my gender who think they have the right to treat you that way.  And I am pleased when I hear of laws and efforts to help turn that tide.  And I am pleased at places like that shelter in South Africa - that seeks to be an effective refuge for women who have suffered this abuse.   

Frankly, this is one of the reasons I believe that, as long as the world is as sinful as it is, God knows there must be a place for divorce.  

I have known women crippled for life as they chose to stay in marriages and suffer time and again.  We hear news reports of women killed by their abusers.

I think God knew what he was doing when he made provision for divorce in the Bible, and though it isn’t spelled out precisely, I think God’s heart and compassion are with those who suffer in such marriages and desperately need to find a way out.  

Somehow, I am always reminded of the way Jesus responded to the woman taken in adultery.  A group of angry and self-righteous men were standing ready to bludgeon her to death with stones, and Jesus forced them to take a long hard look at themselves first.  (Point of thought - if she was caught in the act, why there wasn’t a man down there to be stoned along with her…?)

Ladies, pray for the men in your lives and in our world.  They need God.  They need the transforming power of God to swallow their pride, admit their wrongdoing and truly repent of their eggregious behavior.  Pray for our sisters who suffer and are so often trapped in such horrible and abusive circumstances.  

I will be praying, too, and do what I can to make a difference as opportunity arises.

How Did I End Up In This Wilderness?

DESOLATE TIMES

Recently I have been reflecting on the concept of wilderness times in our lives, those times when life seems so empty, so desolate, so hopeless.  Sometimes those come because of external circumstances, but sometimes because of our emotional state or internal struggles.  

During those times, often individuals long for God to speak to them, to encourage them, to answer their prayers, and instead feel like they hear nothing from him.  

The aftermath of divorce would certainly qualify as a wilderness or desert experience for many of us, and I will come back to that in a bit.

Often when biblical teachers refer to the wilderness, they like to talk about all the things Moses learned there, or how God taught the Israelites out in the wilderness.  Mention is made of Elijah after his victory at Mt. Carmel, heading out to the wilderness where he heard that “still, small voice,” or the people who flocked out to hear John the Baptist.  The Qumran community of the Dead Sea scrolls deliberately chose the wilderness as their home, and Paul says that he went out into the desert for three years to learn from God.  

Thus there is a significant biblical example of wilderness learning.  However…

I have heard it said that there are some things one can only learn in the wilderness experiences of life.  Perhaps.  Certainly, the Israelites would not have learned what Manna was had they not wandered all those years and been forced to rely on God’s provision to help them.  

But is that the same as saying they could not have learned how to lean on God’s provision if they had NOT gone into the wilderness?  

I think sometimes such things are overstated.

Let’s review a few thoughts.  

First, Moses wasn’t SENT by God out into the wilderness to learn from him, he fled there as a fugitive after he decided to take things into his own hands by committing murder.  Once out there, God did at some point appear to Moses, but could not God have revealed himself to Moses back in Egypt had Moses not done what he did?  

By the same token, Elijah had been living in obedience to God and been used of God in a mighty way at Mt. Carmel, but God didn’t send him into the wilderness, either.  Elijah fled there because he was scared, afraid that God wouldn’t be able to protect him from the evil queen, and when God confronts Elijah out there, the first thing God asks him is what he is doing there, as if to suggest he is in the wrong place!   

There is also the image of King David, out in the wilderness through no choice of his own, but because of the stubborn disobedience of King Saul who kept David away from his rightful place.  Paul went out to learn from  God in the wilderness for three years because he had spent his life resisting what Jesus was trying to do for him, and realized he needed corrective training.

Jesus is the only one I recall who was specifically led by the Spirit of God to GO into the wilderness….but the purpose was to be tempted by Satan, to do battle with the great adversary of God.  

That is what later monks sought to do who went out into the desert, to do battle with Satan through prayer and intercession.  In fact, the image of the wilderness in the Bible tends to be a God forsaken place, where evil spirits dwell and into which the scape goat is driven carrying the sins of Israel.  

But I am not noticing scriptures where God tells people they have to go into the wilderness IN ORDER TO learn lessons from God.  No doubt they did learn, but it seems very often those people in the wilderness learning lessons were having to learn them there because they were not listening or obedient WHERE THEY WERE.  

It is certainly true that the distractions of this world can make it difficult to hear God, and in the desert places those distractions are removed, giving one clarity to hear God.  

Or maybe it is more like learning lessons the easy way or the hard way.  We can take the word of the carpenter who tells us that if we hold the hammer and nail a certain way we will hit our thumbs, or we can choose to do it our way and let our aching thumbs teach us.  

The point is, are you learning the lessons of life God would want to teach you, or has your ear grown deaf and your heart hard so that the only way you will hear is if you are FORCED to do so?

Some people in the wilderness after divorce learn that things were better than they realized and they have made a great mistake.  

Some of those people are able to return and restore their marriage, but not all.  

Some learn that they should have paid attention years before in their marriage, worked harder at changing themselves and less hard at changing their spouses.  

Some, to be sure, are like King David, forced out into a wilderness not of their own choosing, having to learn hard lessons as they wander far from home.  

And just like Jesus, any recently divorced person knows that temptations abound in a time of desolation, temptations that will sorely test your commitment and faith.

Whether in a wilderness state of life or not, I want to invite you to consider the lessons God might be seeking to teach you, and the response you are giving.  

If you are in a good state, stay malleable so that God can shape you where you are.  

If you are in a time of desolation, ignore the screaming heat of the sun beating down and instead turn your attention to the voice and Word of God, so that you won’t have to spend 40 years out there as that rebellious generation of Israelites did so long ago.  

God has a Promised Land for each of us.  Ultimately, it is the heaven to which we are invited if we accept his offer of forgiveness.  But even on earth, there is a future hope that God has for your life, something he desires to shape into your being and into your experience.  And one way or another, he will make sure you have the opportunities to learn what it is.  

Personally, I prefer trying to learn it before I end up in the wilderness places!

Inside Out

CORE MEMORIES

My wife really likes going to the movies, and I enjoy it, too, so that is often where we go when we get an evening out.  She usually selects, because I am very forgetful when it comes to movies, and have been known to unknowingly purchase tickets or rent DVD’s of movies I have already seen at least once or twice.  It just works best if she makes the choice.

We recently went to see that animation movie that is out called, “Inside Out.”  I had heard ahead of time that it was considered a pretty good movie, and that women especially like it.  It’s all about feelings.  Which is probably why it is from the perspective of a young girl.  Personally, I kind of related to one scene in particular where the dad is suddenly aware that his wife is talking to him and all of his feeling characters are totally oblivious…until he realizes he has to come up with something to say.  After all, he’s a guy, I’m a guy, and at least I spell feelings right!

Watching the movie (and hopefully without giving away too much if you haven’t seen it yet), the story is about the internal workings of emotions and memories, and their impact on personality formation.  Fortunately, it is presented in a much more interesting way than that last sentence would imply!

In the twists and turns of the girl’s life, as she faces dramatic changes, some of what are called her “core memories”..those especially formative and impactful experiences in life…get shifted with a stirring of emotion.  As a result, some that were once joyful memories get overlaid with a coating of sadness that transforms them.  At the same time, new memories get formed that vie for the position of a core memory in her life, some of which are not so happy.  The shift is apparent in the personality and relationships of the young girl.

Guess what?  As I watched it, it made me think very much about divorce.  So many memories that an individual has gets overcoated through divorce.  Memories that once were full of joy get shifted to bittersweet or even sorrowful memories.  The core essence of the values and experiences that have shaped your life are challenged, shaken and sometimes exchanged into something new, and that can be a very painful process.  

It is amazing how many internal things are affected by divorce.  Some people who were once bubbly and happy become melancholy and timid.  Some who were the most trusting and caring individuals develop a protective coating that keeps them from getting too close to anyone again.  In the movie, the parents share memories of the first days with their infant.  As a divorced person, I realize those memories are no longer shared with my spouse, and the person who did share them with me is no longer part of my life and memories around her are not the joyful things they once were.  If I am not able to remember those special moments myself, then they are gone from me, unless triggered by something unexpected.  

People are often aware of the external impacts of divorce:  moves to a different home, financial stresses, often strong hostility and family life that is fractured.  But the more subtle inner shifts are sometimes the most difficult to deal with, because they can be much harder to identify.  Nevertheless, even the most painful of experiences can be used by God to shape you for the next chapter of life’s journey.  Sometimes, it just takes a little patience to get there.  

Happy Birthday, America

NEVER FORGETTING

I saw an article on the internet the other day about a book that has recently been published.  It is called, The Girl With Seven Names, by Hyeonseo Lee.  The article recounted some of the stories in the book, which is about her escape as a refugee from North Korea, and the subsequent rescue of her family.  I am looking forward to reading it.  The various blurbs about the book I have seen mention such things as the possibility of being arrested if you didn’t have a picture of the nation’s leader on your wall, and even if you did, it had to be “properly” cared for.  She apparently tells about the fear under which she lived, in a country where everyone is afraid and cannot trust others because many become informers out of fear.  She also talks about the controlled information she was given growing up about her country and the world, and the fact that she had no access to accurate information about how the rest of the world really lives.  

I have heard about people working with young African boys who have grown up in a war torn world, whose experience is that soldiers come and force them into the military.  Their first task of service, to harden them and make them learn to obey, was to shoot their own parents, then they were hauled off to battle.  Once the army tires of them, they are discarded like trash and left as orphans wherever they happen to be.  I have read about repressive nations living under Sharia and near Sharia law, in which a single hair showing outside a woman’s covered head is a crime subject to beating or other such punishments, and a starving person caught stealing food will have his hand instantly chopped off, while bystanders are forced to gather around to watch.

I’m guessing today is just another day for many people in the world.   But when I know of things like that going on in the world, I realize how blessed I am to have been born in the country that celebrates today as its birthday.  Now don’t get me wrong, I am the first to admit the U.S.A. isn’t perfect and has made our share of mistakes.  And let me tell you, there are some presidents we have had whose pictures I have NO interest in hanging on my wall.  But I do believe ours is a country that strives to value individual lives, and believes that individuals should be permitted control over much of their own lives through the exercise of freedom, and our nation desires that not only for ourselves, but for other nations in the world.

I had a friend from Swaziland, Africa some years ago.  He told me that he had very fond affection for the United States.  He stated that it had not been that many years since they had gained their freedom from colonialism, and were seeking to establish their own free nation.  He went on to say that, although there were other countries with historical ties who should have helped them with aid and support as they began, those countries did not do so.  However, he went on, the United States did, even though there was no obligation or expectation for them to do so.  He went on to state that the United States provided that aid without any strings attached that required any kind of subservience or conditions.  After years of hearing people bash the U.S. for its international behaviors, some of which have definitely been very misguided, as my friend shared the story of Swaziland, I felt a great deal of pride, knowing we had also done some things right when others had not. 

We will see fireworks tonight, and have picnics today, but there won’t be tanks rolling in our streets to make sure we remember who is boss, or to see if the President’s picture is on the wall properly.  Near as I can tell, more people are trying to escape from places like North Korea INTO the United States, than are trying to escape from the United States into places like that.

I was honored to receive an invitation to the Change of Command ceremony for a Colonel friend of mine down at Fort Hood next week.  I am sorry I won’t be able to attend, but I appreciate what he and his fellow soldiers do to help keep or spread freedom in our world.  My father served in World War II, my brother served in Desert Shield and my father-in-law was career military, and I appreciate what they have done so that I was not forced to shoot my parents or to watch someone’s hands being chopped off by thug policemen.  The U.S.A. may not be perfect, but it is a lot closer to it than many nations in our world.  Ask Hyeonseo Lee, if you don’t believe me.   HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMERICA!

Thank you!

WHAT IS THE GOAL?

I was at a meeting with a few hundred folks last weekend, where I met a friend of my wife’s from a distant state.  I don’t know if she knew I was going to be there, or if she just happened to see me across the room.  She came up to me, introduced herself and told me that she didn’t want to visit long, but that she wanted to tell me how much Finding God in the Seasons of Divorce had been helping her deal with a tough divorce.  I was humbled and touched by the fact that a person I didn’t even know made a point to find me to tell me thanks for writing something that made a difference in her life.

A friend of mine gave the books to her friend, who thought, “Great, another book to read…ugh!”  But when she saw that my friend had me personalize them to her, she figured she had to at least look at them.  Later she called my friend and told her the story, then said that she had been drawn in and was reading them and that “This guy knows exactly what I’m thinking,” then thanked my friend for caring enough to provide her the book which had been such a help.

A lady whom I do not know posted a note that the book was helping her keep her focus on God during a tremendously difficult time of life, and recommended them to anybody going through a divorce. 

A man I know got the first book and finished it in a month.  When I pointed out it was supposed to be daily readings for six months, he simply replied, “It’s hard to put it down.”

I have individuals I have never met with whom I have offered email support as they struggle their way through their divorce.  I have read reviews posted in a variety of places by people who have been touched and encouraged by what they have read in the books.  

I have had others who have expressed to me their appreciation at having something they could offer a divorcing friend when they did not even know what to say.  I met a lady in tears once, who did not have the funds to buy the book, and we were able to help her get one.  I have had individuals who purchased books to give away because they said, “we believe in your ministry.”

After I met that woman the other day, my heart was so touched I decided I had to just say thanks to those of you who have read and benefited by what you have read, then taken the time to let me or others know that it had made a difference.  I had wanted to offer people something that I didn’t have when I was going through my divorce, but sure would have liked to have had, and it is encouraging to hear these books do just that.  I don’t want to just to say thanks, but thanks because you are part of my dream.  Let me tell you why.

After a number of years of writing, reflecting, rewriting (not to mention my own personal healing) and doing all the tedious preparation required to get my devotional books for divorcing folks ready to go, it was finally at the publishers in the final steps before press.   A woman at the publisher’s asked me some simple questions:  “What is your goal for this book?  Is it for a few friends?  Is it for a wider audience out there?”  After some reflection, I responded that while it would be great to sell lots of books and make some money out of all the hard work, ultimately the goal was that one day I would have a stack of emails or letters of individuals thanking me because the book had helped them get through their divorce.  

The first time I heard from somebody that it had helped them, and especially the first time I heard it from somebody I never met, I realized that something I believed had come to pass.  I believed that if it made a difference in one person’s life, then it was worth everything it took to get them out there.   Better than that, I have started to grow the stack of emails, notes and quotes that remind me of what it is all about.  Not that they are perfect, but I am thrilled to know they have become a tool God is using in the lives of my friends and friends I have yet to meet, like the lady I saw last weekend.  God bless you all, dear readers.

The Secret About Marriage, Divorce and Christianity

THE DIRTY LITTLE SECRET

 Churches all around the world of a variety of sorts have made clear in their teaching that marriage is for life, as the vows say “till death do you part,” and often end marriage services with the old phrase, “what God has joined together, let not man put asunder.”

Jesus words about marriage from Matthew 19 are some of the most loved about marriage, as Jesus responds to a question from the Pharisees about divorce:  "from the beginning it was not so, the two become one flesh.”   When they question him further about why Moses allowed divorce, Jesus responded that it is because of their hardness of heart.  

Correction, OUR hardness of heart.

What is the secret?  The secret is that, even though Christians teach and stand for the sanctity of marriage for life, as we should, and even though we believe that a marriage with a spiritual connection in God makes for a stronger marriage, even among the best of Christians there are times divorce comes into our lives.  

The “dirty” part of the secret is that from the time of Moses forward, God in his wisdom, recognizing the fallen state of man, made provision in the scripture for the possibility of divorce.  We may not like that it is there, or think it speaks of failure and falls short of the ideal, the provision is still there.  

In other words, though we hold a wonderful ideal and seek to maintain the highest standard for marriage, divorce still occurs because hardness of heart still exists in our world.  Even the best of us, with the best effort, fall far short of God’s perfection.  

While I would never advocate divorce as a quick solution or the first choice for marital tensions, neither would I pretend like there is no need for it in our world.  God can accomplish great things, but my observation has been that often marriages can come to a point in which one partner is willing to submit to God while another has grown tired of trying and is ready to quit.  When one partner or the other reaches that point of no return, until or unless they soften their heart, divorce continues to be the end result.  

In His wisdom, God knew the realities of our lives here on earth,  and he made provision for our weaknesses for the sake of those whose hearts have been broken by one -   whose heart has grown hard.

One of the wisest statements I ever heard came from the mouth of a pastor’s wife I met only once or twice in my life.  I was present as she was visiting with a mutual friend, and she shared the heartbreaking story of the chairman of the deacons in the church her husband served.  She indicated that after 25 years of marriage,tha chairman was facing divorce.  The wise statement that she uttered came after she described her sorrow over that divorce, and then said, “But for the grace of God, there go I”.  Instead of judging those she knew who were divorced, or quoting scriptures to suggest they were wrong to pursue that course, she recognized the fallenness of our world and that it is only through God’s help that her marriage vows had been preserved.  

Now that God has granted me a second chance, I pray that the same God will provide the same help and grace for my wife and I as we seek to live out our wedding vows for the rest of our lives. For those readers who are married, I pray that God will enable you to do the same. 

Your Faith and Your Children

CHRISTIAN HERITAGE

The other day a friend and I were having a conversation over a donut, talking a lot about this and that and even more about nothing.  But in the middle of the conversation, he made  a comment that I told him was a really important statement.  I told him I thought I might even use it for a blog topic, and his response was, “feel free.”  So, without embarrassing him about it and leaving him nameless instead, here are the thoughts he ignited as we conversed.

My friend’s comment was a simple one, and we were talking about how much of our lives have been the result of things we did not choose, such as what country we were born in.  Reflecting on that, he added the comment, “You know, if there were nothing else to be thankful to them for, I at least should be appreciative of the fact that my parents raised me in such a way that they taught me the basic principles of being a Christian.”  I agreed, and began turning the topic over in my mind.

Many of us attempt to do that very thing.  Sometimes it works out great, and the children follow in our footsteps and become quality Christian leaders as adults.  Our children can also be challenges to our faith, helping us see ways we still need to grow in our obedience to Christ.  In some cases, the children abandon the principles they were taught as they grow up, wandering in “the far country” like the prodigal son, during which time we have to remain faithful, trusting God and praying for his hand upon our children.  How our children respond to the Christian faith as they grow up is not something we parents get to choose; what we get to choose are the examples and opportunities we provide.  Our children have to make their own decisions for or against Christ, just as we have ourselves.

This can get complicated by other things as well, such as church drama, youth ministers that impact our children for better or worse, parents whose faith experiences and commitments are radically different, and, of course, by divorce.

Divorce can cause children to struggle in their faith, questioning a God who did not keep their family together.  Beyond that, however, is what happens after a divorce.  Many times I have observed one or both parents abandon their church and even abandoning a Christian lifestyle after they get divorced.  Some individuals never darken the door of the church again, leaving their children to question the sincerity and validity of what they have been taught over the years.  Others who were once apparently devout in their faith, suddenly shift and live in ways clearly contrary to the faith.  

All too often the children are faced with a set of divorced parents, one of whom continues in faith and church, while the other rejects and maybe even ridicules that very faith.  This can all be very unsettling for the children.  In those cases, it always makes me think of the times Jesus warned us not to put stumbling blocks in the way of children, that it would be better to be drowned in the sea than to ever do that.  

However, once again, the only thing we can control is our own example and commitment.  Much as you may want your partner (or your ex) to be more committed to Christ, or to be more obedient to the teaching of scripture, you only have the ability to work on your own growth.  We have to pray and trust God to work on those in our lives we love.

The good news is, though, that we CAN work on the heritage we are leaving behind.  We can each choose to do our best to be faithful.  We can leave an example by how our Bibles are open and our attendance at Bible Study and Worship is regular.  We can demonstrate by our lives that we believe the teachings of scripture are not mere information to be absorbed, but principles to be applied and lived in our daily lives.  We can become “the sermon” our children see every day they are around us, and in so doing, do our part in giving our children the greatest gift any parent can ever give:  knowledge of the salvation made available for us in Christ.  

Let me add one final thought.  Many of us, especially those divorced, struggle with whether we have provided an inadequate example and have failed in passing on the faith properly.  The truth is, divorced or not, NONE of us live the faith perfectly.  Always remember, we also set an example by how we handle our failures.  When we accept responsibility for them, honestly confess them to God and appropriately to others, and seek to continue to grow we are providing an important example they need  

I invite you to consider what the heritage is that YOU are offering to YOUR children.