Followup---
Opportunities
as By-Products
So wanted to
followup on the whole concept of the opportunities after a divorce. There could be differing interpretations of
what that might mean, though I think the last blog was pretty clear on what my intention was. But many pursue divorce believing in another
perspective of the opportunities, and I want to address that other point of
view today. That point of view basically
is this: “I will get a divorce SO THAT I
have other opportunities to be everything I could be, because my marriage is
holding me back.”
I will say
outright that I believe that kind of thinking is flawed, if not even a
myth. Yes, a divorce will remove you
from a bad marriage. But often a bad
marriage ends up in a bad divorce…instead of being married to the person, you
are divorced to them…entanglements don’t disappear, they instead become more
complicated, and less about common goals.
Instead of spending all that time, money and energy on divorce and the
aftermath, surely the best first option would be to spend the same kind of
time, money and energy in the possibility of making a bad marriage better.
“But what if
my marriage is holding me back, suppressing my personality?” Perhaps that is what truly is occurring. But could it not also be that the close
relationship of a marriage is challenging your personality, confronting you
with areas of your character in which you need to grow, develop and see beyond
yourself? Certainly one of God’s purposes
in marriage is to create a safe and loving environment in which we face the
hard areas of ourselves that we might become something more than we are alone.
In my
observation, many people who leave a marriage to pursue opportunities that they
believe await them if they can only get away from their spouse, actually end up
seriously disappointed and disillusioned.
Kind of like the old saying about those who believe that “the grass is
greener on the other side of the fence.”
It seems to me this faulty thinking is part of what sets up the statistic
that second marriages suffer a significantly higher divorce rate than first
marriages, and third marriages even higher.
Because wherever we go, we take ourselves with us. And if we have not been willing to face our
issues when first confronted with them, we carry those same issues into the
next relationship. Running away from
problems rarely settles any of our problems.
But I do
believe that, if a marriage has come to the point that divorce is the end
result, then the new situation of life is the material God has to work with in
our lives. That is simply the by-product
of being divorced. I think this is true
especially for a partner who has been abandoned by another. I don’t think God’s desire is to set up a
divorce for the purpose of creating opportunities in life. I think his desire is for marriage until
death to be the ideal pursued for which we put forth our effort. But, just as God was able to take the cross
of Christ and do something wonderful through it, or the sufferings of Paul and
turn them into lessons he shared with us in scripture, so he can take the
tragedy of broken marriages and create opportunities for something new.
But those opportunities must be approached
with sensitivity to God’s leading, if we are going to receive the blessings he
seeks to create.
There are
many times in scripture where we find God taking the brokenness of individual
lives and accomplishing something unexpectedly wonderful through them. Perhaps the early bumblings of Moses is one
of the greatest examples. Or you may
prefer the descent into the pit experienced by Joseph. In both cases, someone who suffered severe
reversals in life ended up being used by God for mighty deeds. So while I would never suggest someone pursue
divorce as an escape route to make opportunities for themselves, I would
acknowledge that even divorce can end up being something out of which God can
do something good and meaningful. It is
the story of my own life, and my prayer is, that it will be the story of yours
if you have been the victim of divorce as well.
Seek God’s guidance in obedience, and he will get you there. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. Or even next year. But over time you will discover God’s hand
upon you, helping you through to the higher plane he desires in your life.
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